To comment on a child’s size

[Psa4today]

To ask you honestly if you’d comment on a child’s size, and to ask you to stop

PSA for today.

If you see a child/ toddler or baby you deem to be small, please keep your mouth closed about it. Stop saying to parents ‘oh he or she is tiny’ ‘don’t they eat’ ‘ they’re diddy/ a dot or whatever synonym for small enters your mind. Just don’t do it.

also if you see a child you deem to be too big, don’t comment.

you have NO idea how much your words are hurting parents. You have NO idea why that child so that size and what obstacles they are facing. There are a millions reasons from prematurity, growth restriction, heart conditions, Dwarfism, genetic condition, growth hormone deficiency, rss and severe allergies that make children small and a million more that make them big from thyroid issues to PWS. Every day is a fight for these parents. Don’t make it worse with the need to comment. If you must say something, say ‘they’re lovely’.

i see daily the pain these comments inflict on parents and the children who hear them. if this is you, No excuses, don’t hide behind good intentions. Just stop . All you’re doing in pointing out how different that child looks. Please if this is you, stop

psa over

I agree, my youngest was huge and in particular had a huge head. It was lovely when people commented on his size as a positive.

this post is just a little reminder that for some ‘oh god they’re so small/ huge’ isn’t as innocuous as you might think.

Thing is, there’s always going to be people who do comment no matter what you say - although you obviously have some odd saviour complex and can’t help yourself. Given that, no matter what you say, people will always come across this it’s really better they have the skills to deal with it without melting into some puddle. Maybe try and concentrate your efforts on signposting those who need it to help and knock off the saviour stuff.

MN is full of rants and hills to die on. This is mine.
That is a primary focus, counselling, especially for parents of children who have life altering genetic conditions. However that doesn’t also mean that words don’t matter, about 50% of posters can relate in someway, so whether you like it or not these sort of comments DO affect people, you may not be one of them but many are . Unfortunately intentions don’t really matter in terms of the effect, most comments are just something to say but it does impact people, children especially. It really is comparable to the ‘when are you having children question’ that so many MNers agree is intrusive.

Unless you never speak to or look at anyone you don’t know the full life story of you never know when you may unintentionally cause upset.

that isn’t a realistic way for anyone to live which is why context and intention is so important. Sometimes we need to look at realise that no harm was intended, I have ptsd caused by DS illnesses, believe me I know the trouble it can cause but being offended by people who have no idea of any of the situation doesn’t do anyone any good.

Exactly you need to change who your hanging around if people are commenting negatively about you or your child on a daily basis really?

It’s hard. Like you, it hadn’t bothered me, but my daughter also keeps talking about how big and strong she is. She also said to me the other day that maybe they won’t want her to be a helper at preschool as she’s little and maybe they only want big people. It’s difficult to know what to say to a three year old but I did remind her that she loves ballet and most ballerinas are small which sounds so trivial but made her happy.

I'm guilty of this. I've never really been around babies so when a friend has handed me their newborn I've made a comment "omg, he's so tiny" in a baby/playful voice. I actually have no idea if they are smaller or bigger than average but I've just never seen a baby that young and they are damn tiny little creatures with tiny little toes. I'll try not to comment on size, dotn want to cause offence.

I know 2 people whose babies had serious failure to thrive and the parents were borderline negligent/in denial about it. One of the mothers, when her child was 3 and still under the 3% said she was relieved to see her daughter hadn’t jumped up %. Yeh I did make comments because I do know the ins and outs of the situation and they haven’t bothered seeing a paedatrician or anything else (I can’t speak to her anymore as her parenting is just so upsetting to witness). Funnily enough the other one’s (related to me) baby is now massively overweight since stopping breastfeeding as clearly it wasn’t working and her baby was skeletal until started solid food. I tried many, many times to help by explaining you’re not supposed to BF every 4 hours it’s on demand and they misunderstood what the hospital was saying, whilst watching them trying to comfort a screaming newborn in other ways before feeding them (baby born at 7lbs dropped off the scale they didn’t see a HV once).

it isn’t always appropriate to say nothing. Some parents are just irresponsible.

If her baby is overweight that is a massive issue too.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas

yes, the baby is related to me and it’s an extremely upsetting situation. He is very behind developmentally and they take 0 action and it’s very hard not to say anything because it doesn’t seem like the parents care/notice.

Oh dear. I'm pretty sure I've said something like, "oh bless, he's so weeny!" about every single newborn I've ever held. Not because the baby was small because babies are small. I don't have kids so they all looks small to me!

I understand what you’re saying but more worried about the effect on the children tbh. Hearing multiple times a day how short/tall/thin/fat or whatever they are is setting them up for body issues. They’re absolutely bombarded with it now through society and the internet as it is

Perhaps then you are blessed. Some people do have to care about their children size for a variety of different reasons.

I am blessed in that I adore my DS and all his quirks and I won't go into detail as it's none of,your business. Perhaps you could try to inject some good nature into your demeanour by smiling and ignoring these 'constant remarks' if they indeed are that you're so concerned with. I find it hard to believe personally, I think you're being totally over sensitive and creating a big issue in your mind which doesn't exist or matter.

Either that or adjust your diet.

last time it doesn’t affect me but it does some.

sorry to say but you don’t seem very nice. Posters have said, even if you don’t agree, that they’ve had these comments and it’s negatively impacted them or their child, that in itself should be enough of a reason to reconsider commenting on a child’s size.

From what you’ve said, this does seem like a different situation, teetering into neglect and a safe guarding issue and you were a trusted friend sharing a welfare concern, id say that’s different, akin to if you’d noticed someone’s teen may well be dealing with anorexia so you mention some concerns to the parent- still wouldn’t agree with saying it in front of the teen though.

That is a very difficult situation. I would consider leaving an anonymous message of concern with the HV team.

I’m short & always looked younger than I was as a kid. While it doesn’t bother me now, I hated people commenting on my height back then.

I wanted to answer adult comments like “Aren’t you little?” with responses like “Aren’t you fat?” or “Don’t you have a big nose?” but knew that would get me into shit so had to put up with glaring at them.

YABU because you think you can just tell people what they should do without giving more details about why.
Also it's common courtesy to expand acronyms you are using, because not everyone is familiar with them (CDL? RSS?).

Aged maybe 8 or 9, I went swimming with my then-best friend and her mum. Afterwards, we were in the showers by the pool, just rinsing off, when the mum comes over to me, pats me on the stomach and says, "got a bit of a belly there!"

Who does that to a 9 year old?! I've remembered it for nearly 30 years, and do think that was the start of my self-consciousness over my belly (I have a bit of an over-hang over the top of my belly button, and have since childhood).

What was ironic, her daughter - my friend - was always a large chunk chubbier than I ever was.

Adults can be awful. I suspect she forgot the comment within 5 minutes of making it. But for me it was the start of 30 years of self-consciousness.

russell silver syndrome and Cornelia de Lange syndrome a quick google will tell you why comments on kids with these conditions to name a few would hurt

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas

they don’t even seem to have a HV team, it’s all very concerning. Could try to find out who their gp is but not sure how to do that and I’m convinced the mother had very bad postpartum psychosis and during an episode of rage/refusing to feed the baby/hiding with the baby in a room her husband called the GP to get help. He called back later and the mother said she was fine. End of discussions 0 help given. Tbh was very eye opening about the total lack of support in this area where mothers need mental health support and it can be dangerous for the children but no one is there to assist.

sorry to say but you don’t seem very nice. Posters have said, even if you don’t agree, that they’ve had these comments and it’s negatively impacted them or their child, that in itself should be enough of a reason to reconsider commenting on a child’s size.

Obviously you don't know me and you're wrong.

A good parent protects their children from nasty stuff when they're children, it seems as if you're doing the exact opposite. If you don't like constructive criticism then you're on the wrong forum, it isn't an echo chamber of agreement. You're having issues and some of us are making suggestions on how to stop that. If you don't like it maybe have an inward look at why.

Could you call social services? That might seem like an appropriate next step in this instance, especially as mum seems to be struggling

My kids are all small and I used to get so many comments about it. My youngest two are particularly small. They were both right at the bottom of the percentile charts when they were toddlers. I got lots of comments about both of them but I got more about my ds than my dd, because I think it's more socially acceptable to be a tiny little girl than a tiny little boy.

All my kids started off at a normal size, they were huge big chubby babies, but then at around 6-9 months old their growth slowed right down, and didn't start up properly again until they were around 2. Ds2 was investigated for it and they said it was a constitutional delay.

The comments aren't as common now that they're older. Ds is 11 now and most people know better than to comment on how small he is in front of him.

I did find it quite annoying at the time. I wasn't offended, but hearing it all the time got a bit wearing. I think I would have found it much more difficult if I was also trying to come to terms with a more serious diagnosis than constitutional delay, such as a genetic condition.