To comment on a child’s size

[Psa4today]

To ask you honestly if you’d comment on a child’s size, and to ask you to stop

PSA for today.

If you see a child/ toddler or baby you deem to be small, please keep your mouth closed about it. Stop saying to parents ‘oh he or she is tiny’ ‘don’t they eat’ ‘ they’re diddy/ a dot or whatever synonym for small enters your mind. Just don’t do it.

also if you see a child you deem to be too big, don’t comment.

you have NO idea how much your words are hurting parents. You have NO idea why that child so that size and what obstacles they are facing. There are a millions reasons from prematurity, growth restriction, heart conditions, Dwarfism, genetic condition, growth hormone deficiency, rss and severe allergies that make children small and a million more that make them big from thyroid issues to PWS. Every day is a fight for these parents. Don’t make it worse with the need to comment. If you must say something, say ‘they’re lovely’.

i see daily the pain these comments inflict on parents and the children who hear them. if this is you, No excuses, don’t hide behind good intentions. Just stop . All you’re doing in pointing out how different that child looks. Please if this is you, stop

psa over

All three of mine were small. 2nd centile/8th centile/15th centile .
I am also small.
I had all these comments for all three and didn't mind at all. YABU.

I can see that people have different views, but I have a rule for myself, which is to never comment on a child's body shape, ever, period. Tall, small, thin, bigger, whatever. I have zero idea what that child might listen to, find negative, or store up for the future.

My neighbour's daughter is unusually tall and very slim, and she's sick to death of people mentioning it, but you'd never know it, as she's a quiet kid who doesn't speak up much.

Likewise, I wouldn't volunteer anything about their child's appearance to a parent, unless they sought it out. I'm not saying it's wrong, per se; it's just that it's hardly going to be news to them! Thinking about it, none of my friends do either.

My DD was 4lb 11oz 0.4th centile at birth, since 2 weeks she has consistently tracked just below the 9th centile for weight, length and head circumference.

I had her tongue tie cut at 4 weeks, the nurse who came into help asked how many days she was, thinking she was really new.

She is tiny, she will probably always be tiny, but I'm 5' and DP claims he is 5' 9'', (I'm fairly sure he is exaggerating by at least an inch!) so she was never going to be a giant.

It's not upsetting it's just a fact.

It doesn’t bother me but today my 3 year old came to me sad that she’s ‘little’. She is small for her age and that’s fine but at age 3 all you want is to be a big girl and having someone call you little is upsetting, especially when you can see that you are smaller than others. I realise now she made a comment the other day linking to this as well so it’s playing on her mind.

I suspect most people really don't give a hoot, often it's something to make light conversation about. Maybe enlighten them about birth size, genetics etc and make an intelligent conversation out if it if you've the information, if they're not interested hopefully they won't ask
Again 🤐😁

Meh, Dd is very slim - age 14 and 5’4” with 26” bra band but that doesn’t exist so adapt 28”. She gets comments now and I did as she grew up. Yabu to expect people not to comment. I’ve educated Dd about genes and pointed out while she’s technically underweight re bmi, bmi is based on averages and she’s got my dad’s side body shape.

people will bleat on about not judging others but the reality is we judge each other on so many levels and some people are bad at being diplomatic. Your mn post won’t change that.

It doesn’t bother me, I’m not impacted by this my children are very ‘average’ however in my day to day I encounter many parents who are deeply hurt by these sort of comments, so whilst it’s fantastic that PPs are very matter of fact and not phased in the slightest by comments, it doesn’t mean that all people feel the same way. I’d liken it to the ‘when are you having kids question’ some people, like me, aren’t phased, don’t care if they are asked inevitably it’s asked to a person who’s struggling and it hurts like hell. So it’s best not to ask or pass comment. There are a million and one neutral small talk passing comments you can say, personally I wouldn’t want to chance inflicting hurt, that’s why I don’t ask ‘why don’t you have kids or when are you having kids’ and likewise, I’d never pass comment on a child’s size.

if you are one of those people that do, maybe 9/10 parents are like the PPs who aren’t fussed but one day you’ll encounter that 1:10 and you will say it to the wrong person and you will cause some real hurt. Please reconsider your small talk.

Those comments will never leave that woman.
I speak as someone who has always looked different, always stood out and had comments about how I look.
That woman needs to learn to deal with the comments. She is not doing herself or her child any favours by getting so upset by what are probably mostly, well-meaning, if insensitive comments. I also know only too well, how rude some people can be.
I am glad my mum wasn't so fragile. She modelled to me how to deal with the comments.

That’s my point, most don’t but some do.

it’s not the job of parents of children who have complex health issues to educate bystanders on a regular basis, can you imagine how exhausting that would be.

i think PPs who think it’s acceptable even when posters have said, yes this hurts me, need to reflect on WHY they need to comment. It’s not acceptable to comment on an adults body, why are we so comfortable commenting on a child’s.

I’m sure she will in time, but she’s on a journey, the beginning of her journey and receipt of a diagnosis. Understandably all she wants/wanted was her child to fit in. She’ll get there. It’s that poem Holland to a T, if you’ve ever read it. It takes time.

I think quite often people are just trying to make conversation- all be it sometimes in a clumsy way. I do try to avoid things that might offend others but it can sometimes be hard to know what others might be sensitive about. If they don’t think of small or big as bad things they might not realise it could be taken as an insult.

I this is more of your own personal issue and your over projecting onto others. In life you have to have a thicker skin sometimes. You can't take every little comment to heart its someone's intention unless a person is being malicious of course that's a different matter.

except it’s not. Would you say the same about the ‘when are you having children’ question? That’s always viewed as MN no no… honestly this is no different.

I think I have a general view that I don't want strangers commenting about my height/build/whatever, so unless prodded for a viewpoint, I don't comment about a child's appearance either. Other than 'cool tee shirt' or something naff and cheesy like that

100% the vast majority don’t have spiteful intentions but sometimes innocent words hurt.

if anyone is in doubt, please have a look on growth restriction forums and you’ll see countless comments of innocent comments inflicting hurt.

To be Frank. People have asked me and they do still whilst I can see your view point it's not 3rd world problems. You are projecting and if your taking it as far as someones comment will affect you for the rest of your life... you need to toughen up because parenthood is tough and you will recieve a lot of feedback from people it's life. I wouldn't take it to heart unless I thought someone was deliberately being mean. I think you have failed to miss this side of your own argument.

100% the vast majority don’t have spiteful intentions but sometimes innocent words hurt

That's kind of my view too. I remember as a kid being told 'she has such big strong muscles' and 'look at that huge smile/all those lovely teeth' - both complimentary, apparently, but I wore long sleeves and tried to close my mouth when I smiled for years.

It wasn't a biggie in the great scheme, but I'm mindful more about the child's perception of a comment, than the parent, to be honest.

My oldest was on 99.8 centile for length, she dropped when height was measured at 2 (apparently quite common). It’s never been an issue for me or for her. She is tall and perfectly healthy. A comment doesn’t bother us. I would rather people knew than people having unreasonable expectations of her behaviour and ability based on her height rather than age.

Please read my posts, this doesn’t affect me. My kids are very ‘average’ size wise, no comments either way really so I don’t need to ‘toughen up’ thanks.

that’s great that you wouldn’t but don’t judge others until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, there are a lot of parents who’ve kids have complex medical conditions like RSS that it does impact, it impacts the kids too. No one wants to be made to feel like they done fit in.

words matter we should all chose them wisely. If you wish to continue saying ‘oh they’re so small’ when you know it could (not will) hurt someone then ok.., personally I wouldn’t.

yeah you’re right, kids take on so much. it just seems the way that the comments seem to be directed at the parents when the child is there. Bizarre.

parents too for babies and toddlers I’d say. Worked with one lady who’s child had CDL and someone said to her oh they’re tiny what’s wrong with them… baby was a few months, diagnosis came at birth and it was one of the first outings post NICU. Mum cried and didn’t leave the house for weeks. I’m sure that person didn’t mean harm, but hurt was caused.

Absolutely bothers me. My child will have a lifetime of comments about their appearance, why start so young. And why the constant obsession with their eating habits!

I wouldn’t dream of commenting on the height or size of a child. My sister once commented on a teenager’s thinness to their mother (in a ‘jokey’ way) and I was so bloody annoyed but she’s not a mother and has a tendency to not think before opening her mouth.

just say something neutral, like ‘he or she is beautiful’ ‘lovely hair’ ‘beautiful eyes’ ‘

Except MNers are strongly saying elsewhere in this same thread how RUDE it is to comment about someone's appearance. So it seems that 'beautiful hair' etc. is quite insulting after all.

she wants/wanted was her child to fit in.

That's another myth. Many people don't want their kids to fit in, instead they want their kids to be outstanding, exceptional, competitive, tremendous, etc. Ordinary is not desirable, after all.

ps: nothing was inflicted on me when anyone commented that DC were titchy. It was just opinion, chat.

Well then just say ‘they’re lovely’ keep it neutral.

respectfully you can’t tell me what a woman, you’ve never met has said about her child. It is not a myth it is what she expressed. Also that’s a straw man, you are saying parents want their children to be exceptionally talented but this specific example was about a woman who’s child had a significant genetic condition. So it’s apples and oranges.

it’s wonderful you’ve never been impacted by comments but there are others who have. It really is that simple.

@Psa4today I think it's you that needs to re read your own posts back. I never told you that I approached anybody child however you are being very dramatic here. I did not tell you I go around commenting on other people's child you have spun your own dramatic narrative WTH. I stated you need to toughen up if a single comment is affecting you for the rest of your life.

Other people are entitled to think differently to yourself OP.