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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dropout

172 replies

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 17:53

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 14/05/2022 17:55

Yes I think you are blowing it out of proportion.

A 15 yr old has been offered a holiday by his mum who unless there's a good reason probably shouldn't have booked a holiday knowing he had prior commitments.

A 15 yr old is obviously going to choose a holiday over what to him would probably be a pretty boring event and your brother is stuck in the middle.

Hunderland · 14/05/2022 17:57

At 15 there is absolutely no way I'd have gone to a wedding over a holiday.

You're angry with the wrong people. It's not his, or your brother's fault, that this was offered to him.

SwedishEdith · 14/05/2022 17:58

Is this real? This is why people blowing so much money of weddings is so stupid.

BattenburgDonkey · 14/05/2022 17:58

You are, it’s rude of him and annoying, but yeah falling out with people over it is daft. It’s your wedding, not your nephews, he’s 15 so of course he doesn’t want to miss out on a holiday for a wedding.

CornishGem1975 · 14/05/2022 17:58

It's really fucking annoying when people drop out so close. I had loads of dropouts in the week before my wedding and even on the day, 3 people didn't show. It was stressful to start but then I just chilled and thought fuck it, I'll have a nice time anyhow.

Your wedding is not going to be important to a 15 year old where a holiday is a lot more exciting. I know my own teens would have picked a holiday over my wedding!

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 18:00

Surely the one in the wrong is your Ex SiL?

Your brother couldn't exactly tell her to cancel, could he?

Womencanlift · 14/05/2022 18:02

Of course YABU. A 15 year old boy will not be interested in a wedding as much as you want him to be. His dad knows this.

If you cared for him as much as you say then surely you would want him to have a good time and if that’s on holiday rather than sitting in a suit talking to relatives all day then so be it.

I don’t think YABU on the costs you have now incurred last minute and your brother should have offered to contribute as a way to soften the blow

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 14/05/2022 18:02

I think your brother deserves an apology from you. It isn't his fault and he can't tell his son not to holiday with his mum. I get its sad for you, but what 15 year old is going to want to attend a wedding at the best of times, let alone when a holiday is on offer.

Bunce1 · 14/05/2022 18:02

Your poor brother. He’s properly piggy in the middle.

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 18:05

Why would he offer to 'help to pay for him not being there'? You're no more out of pocket than if he attended. Also, you don't need to change the seating plan just because someone's not coming.

You need to chill out otherwise you'll be apoplectic if you get a couple of no-shows on the day.

Cakecakecheese · 14/05/2022 18:06

You should apologise to your brother. I get it's frustrating but there was no need to be so rude to him. The nephew's mother is the one who planned the holiday and in what universe is a 15 year old going to turn that down to go to a wedding? Gently, while your day is the most important day ever to you and your husband to be, it's not to anyone else. With the amount of no shows on the day that can happen at least you've had some notice.

Merryoldgoat · 14/05/2022 18:08

I will never understand people (usually) women who turn into nutcases over their weddings.

How on earth does it impact you really if he’s not there? Why would you want someone there who doesn’t want to be?

Call your brother, apologise, say you overreacted because you were upset but it’s fine and hope he still comes.

grapewines · 14/05/2022 18:08

Nephew is 15. Of course, he'll choose the holiday. Your overreaction now means your brother won't be there either. That one is on you.

DDivaStar · 14/05/2022 18:09

I doubt your brother has any say in it, ex sil shouldn't be making plans when your nephew has important plans.

Realistically a wedding has little interest for a 15 year old of course he'd prefer a holiday. Would you really want a sulky 15 Yr old being forced to attend !

As for the cost its a shame if the venue won't adjust the billl but its money you were expecting to spend.

Please call your brother and make amends its really not his fault and not worth falling out over a table plan......

SpeedofaSloth · 14/05/2022 18:10

Um, YABU I'm afraid.

Confusion101 · 14/05/2022 18:10

YABU!!!!!

You haven't mentioned that you are upset he can't attend, but instead are upset because you have to redo a table plan (which sounds v dramatic for one person) and pay for him (which your brother offered to do). So now because of your selfish, narrow-sighted vision, neither your nephew nor your brother will be there. Is that really what you want?

If you are having a large wedding the chances of one or two more having to drop out the week of the wedding are high, due to illness or family emergencies so hope you are prepared for that to happen. So so annoying but is it worth falling out with those people over??

You have completely lost sight of the point of a wedding! Sorry to say it but you sound like a bridezilla.

butternutbiscuits · 14/05/2022 18:12

You don’t need to change the seating plan card no one will count how many are at a table just don’t lay a place
you owe your brother an apology it’s not his fault is it

HSKAT · 14/05/2022 18:12

Yeah sorry YABU

RealBecca · 14/05/2022 18:13

You've spent the money whether hes there or not.

Yes its rude to drop out for a better offer but hes 15 FFS and not really a big part of the day. Your wedding is more important to you than him by a mile.

Return the nephew gifts if you want to recover some costs 🤷‍♀️

babyjellyfish · 14/05/2022 18:14

I can understand why you are upset but I do think you're blowing things out of proportion.

Please don't fall out with your brother over this. Not having him attend your wedding because of a fall out is a much bigger deal than not having your nephew attend because he's on holiday.

Weddings are pretty boring for 15 year olds anyway.

Cavagirl · 14/05/2022 18:16

YANBU although I'm not sure it's worth the stress of a major family row 2 weeks before your wedding.

At 15 years old his attendance at family events is managed by his parents.

So your brother is responsible for the acceptance of the invitation to your wedding and making sure he comes. Admittedly if his relationship with his ex is poor and she dangles a holiday to nephew it might be tricky - but he could at least explain that to you and apologise.

Just shrugging his shoulders and saying "well he's 15 he'd rather go on holiday" isn't really good enough when commitments have been made to others, and it's not great parenting to just allow his son to drop out of things he's committed to imo.

But I'd let slide because you probably have enough on your plate!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/05/2022 18:17

Your brother is unreasonable for letting you know so late.

you are unreasonable for reacting in such a ridiculous way. Theres no need to change the seating plan. Just let the venue know one less setting at that table. Apologise to your brother.

TuxedoJunction · 14/05/2022 18:18

Can I ask what gifts you’ve bought for your nephew @Poppymonty3? Was he supposed to be an usher or something?

im guessing you’ve not had to pay for his food, as catering numbers tend to be confirmed a week before the wedding…..as opposed to two weeks.

MarvelMrs · 14/05/2022 18:20

Obviously your wedding is massively exciting and important to you but think it through. Your nephew is 15. Why would he be keen to come to a wedding anyway but then to have a holiday offer instead….
You just need to think about being 15 again and how your wedding is only exciting to you. And maybe a handful of your guests. Brutal, yes. True, also yes.

user75 · 14/05/2022 18:21

FFS he is 15, he literally doesn't give a shit about your wedding. Get a grip and stop being so ridiculous. You chose to have an expensive wedding with a high price per head, you chose to buy the gifts, do you really expect a child to chose your "special day" over a holiday?