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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding dropout

172 replies

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 17:53

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:

Iamnotokifyouarenotok · 14/05/2022 18:22

Definitely not worth getting upset about it !! 15 is probably one of the hardest ages to negotiate with! Apologise to your brother and enjoy your day .

Kite22 · 14/05/2022 18:23

YABVU, and completely ridiculous to fall out with your brother over this

I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it.

That is so funny.

I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding

Well how ridiculous are you?
Quite apart from the fact it isn't actually your brother's decision nor his fault, even if there were someway he could force him to come and sit sulky faced at missing his holiday, would you really want that?
This is your brother.

Who you have now stopped from coming.
Apart from the hurt that will cause for years to come, on a practical level, you now also have 2 people not coming rather than one.

He has not apologised for my nephew not coming
I'm pretty sure somewhere in that chat he said "Sorry, sis, but ex has booked a holiday and ds is going with her so won't be able to come to your wedding"

or offered to help pay for him not being there
Eh ? It isn't costing you more because he isn't there.
Quite aside from most caterers will let you firm numbers up to about 10 days before, and the fact you could ask someone else along, even if the seat is empty, you'd budgeted for him anyway, so it is a shame if it is wasted, but it isn't really costing you.

I am really disappointed with my nephew
He's 15. No 15 yr old is going to turn down a holiday to spend a day at a wedding. Be reasonable. This wedding is big for you, obviously, but not for other folk.

but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it?
No, it is up to the 15 yr old. Shame the ex didn't take it into account and book the holiday a different time, but you can't blame your brother for that.

Am I blowing things out of proportion?
Yup. Completely.

IrisVersicolor · 14/05/2022 18:24

It super annoying but not worth falling out with your brother over.

underneaththeash · 14/05/2022 18:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You don't turn down any invitation you've accepted if you get a better offer, especially not a wedding someone has paid a lot of money for.

Hockeyboysmum · 14/05/2022 18:25

Yabu. No one else bar you and groom really give a shit about your wedding. Especially not a 15 year old

Jeschara · 14/05/2022 18:26

As others posted, you are being very unreasonable.

alionthatneedscourage · 14/05/2022 18:26

I can see it from two angles. The SiL knew there was a family wedding this tear but went ahead and booked a holiday anyway. Whether this was intentional or there was a breakdown in communication we don't know.

But I have a 15 year old girl and we went to a wedding in January and she found it very boring. I think most 15 year olds would. Holiday with mum or auntie's wedding? Of course she'd pick the holiday!

I suspect there is also a lot more going on behind the scenes here.

Cavagirl · 14/05/2022 18:26

I don't really get people saying "he's 15 of course he doesn't want to go to a wedding".

The invitation was accepted. And it's a late drop out.

If OP was upset that DN didn't want to accept the invitation in the first place, I'd totally agree with "YABU he's 15 of course weddings are dull".

If he didn't turn up on the morning of the wedding because he'd rather play xbox, would you all be saying it's fine, because he's 15 so obviously xbox is more fun than a wedding?

It's about a commitment being made and then last minute dropout, and for that on principle I don't think OP is being unreasonable. Letting it escalate where she's now got a massive family fallout 2 weeks before the wedding probably is unreasonable.

mcmooberry · 14/05/2022 18:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. Family weddings are important whether he realises it now or not. His mother shouldn't have booked a holiday to clash with his aunt's wedding, I would be hugely pissed off too. Has she possibly done it deliberately?

Aprilx · 14/05/2022 18:28

I would be disappointed to be told that my nephew was not attending my wedding. My sister had an important family member not at her wedding and the photos are a reminder of this. But your brother is right, of course he cannot force a 15 year to a wedding he doesn’t want to go to! You are being unbelievably unreasonable and frankly ridiculous to be making such a fuss over a printed seat map, print another one or leave it as it is. And you have even alienated your brother so he is not coming either? You need to apologise to him and ask if he would reconsider.

viques · 14/05/2022 18:28

Believe me , no one is going to be checking over the seating plan and ticking off who isn’t there. Just ask the venue to take a setting off table x and they will deal with it. I don’t know why you have brought him presents, maybe you could give them to him at Christmas, or if they are wedding related ( because every 15 year old likes wedding related gifts! ) then bin them or charity shop them.

I think you are having a touch of bridezilla panic, count to ten , and breathe.

crosstalk · 14/05/2022 18:29

Hmm. Unfortunate but as PP have said no 15 year old is going to pass up a holiday for a wedding, however much he likes the bride. And your brother can't physically force him to be there. Shame about the cost of his supper but if you alienate your brother more then there will be two spaces spare. My DS married last year and lost 6 people who tested positive for Covid on the morning.

Ponderingwindow · 14/05/2022 18:29

You can be mad at your nephew and your ex-sil, but being mad at your brother is not fair. He doesn’t have any power in this situation. He can’t exactly punish his child because the other parent booked a holiday and the child didn’t refuse.

call your brother and apologize. He is stuck in an awful situation. His own son won’t be attending a significant family event. People will probably be asking him about it all day.

JulyDreams · 14/05/2022 18:30

Agreed I would not be happy. It's rude and you've spent money. Especially if they have said he's coming previously? The people who don't understand clearly haven't organised a wedding or understand the concept of money.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 14/05/2022 18:30

Bloody hell. I couldn't have cared less about this in the same position. What 15YO boy wouldn't prefer a holiday?

And you've actually fallen out with your brother over this?

lunar1 · 14/05/2022 18:31

Is this really the thing you want to throw away your relationship with your brother and family over?

viques · 14/05/2022 18:31

And ps, phone your brother, apologise and ask him to come to the wedding because you love him and want him there.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 14/05/2022 18:31

Yes sorry you are blowing it out of proportion.

We had a covid affected wedding so worked on similar timescales and It's natural when you have been planning this event for years for things like this to seem huge, but realistically you will probably have drop outs on the day (illness etc) and no-one will notice that he's on the table plan but not there, you just need to move the seats on that table around a bit.

Losing the money sucks though (we basically paid out £600 on food and drink for people that weren't there on the day due to late notice drop outs) and I'm sorry he won't be there but a wedding is really boring for a 15 year old boy

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 14/05/2022 18:32

JulyDreams · 14/05/2022 18:30

Really? You think no one here is married, nor has ever earned/saved/spent or otherwise had to consider money or affordability?

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 18:32

mcmooberry · 14/05/2022 18:28

Maybe she simply forgot?

The date of an ex sister-in-law's wedding isn't likely to stick in most people's mind, especially if that date was set 3 years ago.

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 18:33

have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it you really don't.

You don't seem to actually care that he won't be there.

It's not your brother's fault. Would you rather he said no and forced him to go to your wedding and then you had a 15 year old sulky teen on your hands.

And instead you've fallen out with your brother over it and ruined your own wedding frankly.

BadLad · 14/05/2022 18:33

Confusion101 · 14/05/2022 18:10

YABU!!!!!

You haven't mentioned that you are upset he can't attend, but instead are upset because you have to redo a table plan (which sounds v dramatic for one person) and pay for him (which your brother offered to do). So now because of your selfish, narrow-sighted vision, neither your nephew nor your brother will be there. Is that really what you want?

If you are having a large wedding the chances of one or two more having to drop out the week of the wedding are high, due to illness or family emergencies so hope you are prepared for that to happen. So so annoying but is it worth falling out with those people over??

You have completely lost sight of the point of a wedding! Sorry to say it but you sound like a bridezilla.

Not that I disagree with you, but the brother hasn't offered to pay for the nephew.

He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there.

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 18:34

JulyDreams · 14/05/2022 18:30

Yeah you got me there 🙄🙄

It's not like I haven't been married twice and what is this money thing you speak of?

Vsirbdo · 14/05/2022 18:35

It’s frustrating but I think you’re letting the wedding stress take over. He’d also need his sons mum to back him up if he insisted and I suspect if she’s not saying he should come rather than go on holiday then it wouldn’t happen

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 18:38

And this is a holiday with his mum we're talking about of course that will be a priority for the 15 year old over some extended family members wedding.

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