Wedding dropout

[Poppymonty3]

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

I don't think this is worth the big fuss and fall out. Perhaps the stress of the whole thing is eating to your reaction but get over it and repair your relationship with your brother.

Your wedding is a big deal to you but face it, to others it is not. Yes, it’s rude but get over it so you don’t come across as a Bridezilla.

I think you should apologize to your brother and say please come to the wedding. It is his ex wife who has on purpose presumably, 2 weeks before the wedding (according to you), booked a holiday the same exact week of your wedding and taking her son so that he can’t attend. She probably picked somewhere enticing to her son too.

That is not your nephew’s fault nor your brother’s fault. Try to remember that your nephew is not your son. He is your sil’s and your brother’s son. Not yours. Yes, he was supposed to attend your wedding. But you are not his mother, and you don’t get to tell his parents that he must attend your wedding. You say you have a very close relationship with your nephew. Maybe his mother feels you have overstepped and not respected her, thus this pull out 2 weeks before. So you didn’t invite his mother? You didn’t want to. Well, she can say she doesn’t want her son going to your wedding. You’re not the boss.

The way you are carrying on, it may be for the best that your brother and his son and ex get a break from you and your 3 year wedding plans.

How often do you see your nephew ?

I think it’s rude of your nephew to pull out and ask his dad to tell you. He’s clearly accepted the invite and the role of usher at some stage, so at the very least he could do with knowing that this has caused some hurt and annoyance. Life lessons and all that. However you have plenty of stuff to think about so try not to let it preoccupy you or ruin the day. I hope you can smooth things over with your brother.

YABU - he's 15, his Mum has booked a holiday, you're going to have to suck it up

Don't get things reprinted, just leave it now

And FGS ring your brother and apologise for overreacting

It is the ex sil who booked the holiday for her son as she obviously didn't want him going to your wedding and in fairness maybe your brother needs to keep the peace with her as they have a child together .Have you a good or bad relationship with your ex sil?

@PurassicJark or the holiday was booked last minute, just like a lot of holidays are, so the brother couldn't have told the OP any earlier.

I think you over-reacted.
I think you should apologise to you brother, in all honesty (unless there's some deeper back story and this is just the icing on the cake) but I don't think your nephew is particularly in the wrong here.
Your brother should have told his ex when the wedding was, and that your nephew was to be an usher, and she should have NOT booked the holiday for the same time - but it's done and the bigger fuss you make about it now, the more likely to drive your nephew away you are.

Have you spoken to him directly? 15yos are hard to move when they've made decisions, especially when strong emotions are involved.

I'm surprised so many people think it's ok for nephew to (1) prioritise a regular holiday over a family wedding (2) make that decision at short notice. I would be very hurt indeed

Nephew's mum was wrong to offer the holiday. She should have respected prior commitment

Pity to fall out with your brother over it. Perhaps difficult position for him

YABU. You need to apologise to your brother.

If you want to direct your annoyance anywhere it should be at EX-SIL.

You haven't told us any context about their relationship breakdown - was it recent? Are they still trying to sort out practicalities? Was it a long time ago? Does EX-SIL usually do all the organising? Did you tell her about the wedding? Can you talk to her about your situation?

I think putting this all on your brother is immature. Yes it's bloody annoying, but depending on the circumstances, sounds completely out of his control

Most 15 year old boys do not care about weddings - you must know this

YANBU for being annoyed, weddings are expensive and to drop out that close is really unfair. But a 15 year old won’t realise this, I didn’t even realise how expensive they were until I planned my own. Also it’s not your brothers fault it’s your nephews mums fault, she shouldn’t of booked the holiday. Your brother can’t then stop him from going as I’m sure this would cause a falling out between your brother and nephew.

I do agree he should of offered to cover some of the cost. We had 2 guests drop out about a week before which was really annoying. Their gift to us did cover most of the cost, obviously we would of rather had them there but at least this was something. I didn’t re do the seating plan as it had all been printed at this point I just told the venue to put less chairs out so there weren’t extra chairs.

YABU for falling out with your brother over this and now he isn’t attending either which is surely even worse. It’s not worth falling out over.

Just seen the holiday is in the UK. How far away will they be travelling? Could he still go on holiday and come to the wedding for the day?

I can understand being upset as you said you’re close to your nephew. It’s a shame to fall out with your brother over it. He’s in a difficult situation. He’s right in that he can’t force the boy to come.

You don’t say anything about brother and his ex - perhaps ex was purposefully being mean and booking it at this time or perhaps it was just down to poor communication. Either way there’s not much to do about it now.

I think having such a high stakes day can cause so much stress. There may be other drop outs. Try to not stress and just enjoy the day.

I totally understand your disappointment. It sucks someone you love won’t be there because they’ve chosen to do something else instead. But bear in mind a kid with separated parents might not have that much choice on the matter (either in the original acceptance of the wedding invitation, or the holiday timing.

But you’re being very unreasonable blaming your brother! Give him a call and sincerely apologise for going off the rails. Do you really want to fall out like this? It could also ruin your relationship with your nephew. Make up with him. You can still be disappointed and sad but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

As others have said lower your expectations it's highly likely that others may drop out / turn up late / other things not go according to plan. If you get this upset over things you will likely feel upset your wedding is ruined. Or instead focus on the important positive stuff,like your DH and tgat you are married!

This is definitely not the norm in much of the uk. I have been to many weddings. Only one had no seating plan. It was awful - many friends and family couldn't find a table together.

Op you are right. I wouldnt have been allowed to pull out as a teenager with a role in a wedding. It's plain rude and thoughtless. Apparently on mumsnet you can't have a more expensive wedding with nice things either. This place is rediculous.

Yes you are totally over reacting and hopefully will be able to apologise to your brother, and say it was wedding nerves and he’ll come to your wedding….

15 year old boys aren’t fussed about weddings.

in fact, harsh truth, most people aren’t that fussed about weddings other than your own.

I think your nephew is old enough to understand that you don't just trash previous commitments willy nilly especially if you have a 'part' to play in the event

I also think he's old enough to contact you himself to explain what he intends to do and not dump the job on his dad

I think you are being very very unreasonable to have laid into your brother over this. NONE of this is his fault and he deserves a grovelling apology

At the end of the day you're going to have to suck this up and accept the situation. Don't rely on your nephew again.

But please do apologise to your brother. Poor man.

YABVVU. It is not your brother's fault that his son has changed his mind. How on earth do you expect him to get an unwilling 15 year old to the wedding? Drag him there forcibly? Do you really want the boy there against his will?

You are quite right to say your nephew is being thoughtless. Sadly lots of teenagers are thoughtless a lot of the time. I was and I bet you were. Luckily most of us grow out of it.

In dealing with children, from toddlers to teenagers, parents need to pick their battles. Your brother has very wisely decided not to make this issue a battle with his son. You should make a similar decision and not make this a battle with either your brother or your nephew. Message your nephew in and tell him he will be missed and wish him a happy holiday. Don't jeopardise a good relationship over one selfish and unthinking teenage choice. Just as importantly, apologise fully and sincerely to your brother for being such a bridezilla. Tell him how much you want him at your wedding.

Seriously - in 10 years time what will be more important to you? That you had an accurate and perfect seating plan at your wedding or that you have a loving relationship with your brother and his son?

I think you're being a teeny weenie bit self absorbed about your wedding which is essentially just for you and your future husband when trying to view this through the lens of a 15 year old boy. From their perspective it's probably a long boring day spent with relatives rather than friends or in this case an opportunity of a holiday.

It's not that deep and you're coming across as a bridezilla in the way you've given your brother a hard time over this. You can't force him to come. In the scheme of the whole day you probably won't even notice he isnt there.

Or perhaps ex sil booked due to time off/money constraints or anything else she bloody wanted to book it at that time for.

She your ex sister in law. She doesn’t have to think about your plans.

Your nephew is 15, he could have said “sorry mum, I’ve got a wedding to go to”.

But he’s 15. He’s probably relieved he doesn’t have to sit though a wedding.

People saying the ex Sil is at fault are crazy. I wouldn’t be arranging my life around the plans of my ex’s sister.

Simple fact is, he’s old enough to come to your wedding if he wants to. He would rather go on holiday. How you react to that is up to you, no one else.

I'm 35 and I'd jump at the chance of a holiday rather than go to a wedding.

Even if it was camping!