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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dropout

172 replies

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 17:53

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:
pansexualanteater · 14/05/2022 19:11

I'm getting married next month. I understand it's very stressful.

But directing your anger at your brother is completely unreasonable. 15 isn't a child that can be forced to be there.

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 19:13

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 18:51

To answer questions, I have brought him 'usher' presents because he was supposed to be our usher. As.i have previously said, I am gutted he will not be there, so Im not sure why someone commented to say it sounds like I don't care? He is not just a 15 year old random kid to me I am very close with him. I understand that he has had a better offer but he and my brother made a commitment to be at my wedding. The seating plan is not a paper one is it a printed out display one and the tables will need to be moved around as there already wasn't many people on their table, we will have to get rid of it because it will make no sense at all, it's not as simple as crossing his name off. I'm not particularly bothered about the money I just think that it is thoughtless.

His mum is more important to him than you. Simple as.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 19:19

underneaththeash · 14/05/2022 18:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You don't turn down any invitation you've accepted if you get a better offer, especially not a wedding someone has paid a lot of money for.

You can if your mother decides for you

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 19:21

Wrong thread sorry! It jumped around a bit.

Octopup · 14/05/2022 19:22

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

eh?! 😆

GrandSlamFinale · 14/05/2022 19:23

If the wedding is in the UK, why hasn't he been offered the option to take the train the next day / come back a day early, whichever weekend is the wedding one? He's 15 - unless there are additional needs, he should be capable of doing a train journey on his own. Or has his dad offered to drive him there and back as a compromise?

It just feels like they have taken the 'easy way out' for which you should be understandably annoyed OP. But I also feel that everyone is reacting emotionally instead of sitting down and talking about this calmly like the adults you all are, including the boy (almost).

ChuckMater · 14/05/2022 19:29

Your poor brother. You're being a bridezilla. You don't need to reprint the table plan. Just leave his name on there isn't doesn't matter. If you're filling his space just tell them to sit where his name was.

Why have you bought presents for your nephew for your wedding?

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 19:29

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 19:10

I'm really not THAT bothered about the seating plan, it's just an extra thing to redo close to the wedding. I have explained all the things I am upset about in my post I'm not sure why people keep posting as if the only thing I'm bothered about is the seating plan. The point I'm trying to make is that all the final arrangements have now been made.

Also, the holiday is not abroad it is within the UK and it is somewhere they go every year, it is not something they have missed out on over the last two years because they went last year

But it's not your brother's fault. It's down to his Ex

Heathyou · 14/05/2022 19:30

It's gutting, I would be gutted if my niece wasn't at my wedding. However YABU overall as this isn't your brother's fault. And I think you need to start by apologising to him. The seating plan is by the by really. Someone could be ill on the day and you wouldn't have time to rejiggle it then would you? But you have some notice now.

catandcoffee · 14/05/2022 19:37

OP i assume you don't have teenagers ,as any teenager is going to choose a holiday over a (to him boring wedding) . Why would you need to change the seating plan ?

apologise to your brother and have a lovely wedding day.

deflatedbirthday · 14/05/2022 19:38

In the nicest way possible OP, YABU. What will you do if people drop out on the day because of illness for example? Or they simply don't turn up. Their names will still be on the seating plan which, kindly, non of your guests will bat an eyelid at let alone scrutinise to see who is there and who didn't come. They'll look for their own names to see where they are sitting and that will be that.

If you believe a 15 year old should hold to a commitment made then maybe it's them that you need to speak to about your disappointment. It sounds like you shot the messenger on this occasion. Make up with your brother and enjoy your day. Life is too short.

ExMachinaDeus · 14/05/2022 19:42

Expecting a 15 year old boy to be as committed to your wedding as you are? No way. So YABU a bit.

OTOH, it is not a great bit of parenting by your brother - he should have been sterner with his son. It's family, after all.

Is there someone whom you'd like to have been able to invite, but couldn't because pf numbers/costs? Now's the chance to have them there for you.

Paq · 14/05/2022 19:47

It's "bought".

And honestly, just chill out.

inappropriateraspberry · 14/05/2022 19:53

YABU. Your wedding is only really important to you, your OH and probably your parents. To everyone else it is a nice day out. He's given you 2 weeks notice, it's not the day before. Anyway, these things happen. If someone is suddenly ill or called away, they won't be there.
Leave the seating plan, there will just be a gap at the table. No one will notice or care.

inappropriateraspberry · 14/05/2022 19:54

When it comes to the actual wedding day, you won't even care. You will be too busy enjoying your day together.

GooglyEyeballs · 14/05/2022 19:55

I think it's really rude of your nephew to drop out 2 weeks before the wedding but also there's not much to gain by falling out over it.

Eightiesfan · 14/05/2022 19:57

It’s rude for DB to let you know so close to the wedding, but to your 15 yr old DN there really is no competition. This may be the most important day for you, but to him it will be an incredibly boring way to spend a day. He’s a teenager so if forced to go he would have been annoyed and surly to be forced to attend a wedding when he could be enjoying a holiday. In his place 15 year old me, would have done the same.

Stravaig · 14/05/2022 20:09

It's possible that your ex-SIL is being deliberately obstructive; or she may just be taking a holiday when she can. Your brother sounds a bit wet; but then he has to prioritise a good relationship with his son and his ex. Your nephew is 15 and sounds like the son of his parents, so don't expect so much.

Brutally, OP, no-one is remotely as interested in your wedding day as you. No-one. It's just another day for most people, with lots of standing around forcing small talk with strangers. Seating plans, usher presents, that's all just wedding frippery, completely unimportant in the greater scheme of things.

Put the wedding monster back in its corset! Hope you have a great day 💐

BellePeppa · 14/05/2022 20:10

People saying the 15 year old made a commitment and should honour it over the holiday - maybe his presence was just expected as a family and he didn’t actively say “oh yes I want to go I wouldn’t miss it for the world”. So when he got a better offer he took it.

LoveSpringDaffs · 14/05/2022 20:30

Synchrony · 14/05/2022 19:06

I would be upset if my nephew dropped out.

I wouldn't blame my brother. I don't think he can force a 15 year old to go and I think you should apologise to him and say that you really want him at your wedding.

I would blame ex-SIL. I would take an extremely dim view of her booking a holiday to clash with her son's prior commitment. Your nephew may not be aware of how expensive and time consuming planning a wedding can be, but doubtless she is.

That's a lot to put in her without knowing her situation maybe she's a teacher and can only go in half term. Or for some other reason she can only go at that time, or maybe she has a partner that can only go at that time. not to mention, 3 years in the planning, is a LONG time for things to change in HER life.

...seems unlikely she's stayed friends with the OP, so not her biggest consideration re her holiday plans.

@Poppymonty3 you've behaved badly, IF you care about your brother being there, then you need to ring him up and apologise for being such a bridezilla. His EX is taking his son on holiday, it's hardly his bloody fault.

Darbs76 · 14/05/2022 20:59

Yes you are. The rest of his family are going on holiday and he doesn’t go so he can attend his Aunt’s wedding. Yes it’s important to you but it’s not to him. Your brother cannot force him, you are being a bridezilla and is it worth falling out with family over? Why do you have re-print things? He can still be on the plan surely, it won’t matter at all

ButtockUp · 14/05/2022 21:04

You seem very concerned about seating plans.

You've blown up and alienated your brother.

You've lost out. Own it.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/05/2022 21:05

Ultimately your wedding is the most important day of your life. To your nephew who is 15 years old, it really isn't important or interesting in the slightest. Most weddings are boring for guests. So much hanging around and it's a long day. You can't blame him for choosing a holiday instead with his mum. Your brother should if apologised but ultimately he cannot tell him what to do. If he was told he couldn't go on holiday because of your wedding and he turned up, do you think he would be happy? I appreciate its bloody annoying for you but not the end of the world! Worse things can happen. Chill out!

JacquelineCarlyle · 14/05/2022 21:09

Hunderland · 14/05/2022 17:57

At 15 there is absolutely no way I'd have gone to a wedding over a holiday.

You're angry with the wrong people. It's not his, or your brother's fault, that this was offered to him.

This!