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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding dropout

172 replies

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 17:53

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 18:39

have brought gifts for my nephew why?! Is this a thing now?

Confusion101 · 14/05/2022 18:42

Is it reasonable to be upset your nephew is choosing not to attend: absolutely

Is it reasonable to be a little miffed that you might have to rearrange a few things (e.g. Table plan even though I think you are being dramatic there): yes it absolutely is

Is it reasonable to throw a complete tantrum and fall out with your brother to the point he will no longer attend the wedding because of this.... Absolutely not! Your day will come and go, you will realise how ridiculous you have been and you will extremely regret it if you don't sort things out with him

GrandSlamFinale · 14/05/2022 18:43

You've overreacted, massively. Yes, it's a shame he won't come, but not worth the falling out, is it? At 15 my parents would've made me go, but others families don't, and both attitudes are valid.

Why would you reprint the seating plan? Who cares if his name is there and the boy himself isn't? Do you think wedding guests can be bothered have the time and mental energy to carefully read your seating plan and look around the room, checking for missing teenagers?

It's your wedding day - important to you, but nobody else, in the grand scheme of things. Apologise to your brother - send a text saying you're tired and anxious and overreacted and that you're sorry and would love to have him there on the day. Then dial off the drama. It's very off-putting.

KosherDill · 14/05/2022 18:50

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 14/05/2022 17:55

Yes I think you are blowing it out of proportion.

A 15 yr old has been offered a holiday by his mum who unless there's a good reason probably shouldn't have booked a holiday knowing he had prior commitments.

A 15 yr old is obviously going to choose a holiday over what to him would probably be a pretty boring event and your brother is stuck in the middle.

Agree.

Holiday with his mother is more important.

Just invite someone to fill in. Not worth all the drama.

Original poster

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 18:51

To answer questions, I have brought him 'usher' presents because he was supposed to be our usher. As.i have previously said, I am gutted he will not be there, so Im not sure why someone commented to say it sounds like I don't care? He is not just a 15 year old random kid to me I am very close with him. I understand that he has had a better offer but he and my brother made a commitment to be at my wedding. The seating plan is not a paper one is it a printed out display one and the tables will need to be moved around as there already wasn't many people on their table, we will have to get rid of it because it will make no sense at all, it's not as simple as crossing his name off. I'm not particularly bothered about the money I just think that it is thoughtless.

OP posts:

BattenburgDonkey · 14/05/2022 18:53

It is thoughtless but is it really worth permanently damaging your relationship with him and your brother over? Can’t imagine allowing my brother to miss my wedding because of a seating plan, just apologise for being so horrible to your brother and try and move on.

Kite22 · 14/05/2022 18:54

JulyDreams · 14/05/2022 18:30

Agreed I would not be happy. It's rude and you've spent money. Especially if they have said he's coming previously? The people who don't understand clearly haven't organised a wedding or understand the concept of money.

Yes, of course. Hardly anyone on MN has ever been married, or closely involved in planning someone else's wedding.

None of us have ever had to budget for anything or understand the concept of money either.

^ Sarcasm ..... for the hard of understanding

Cakecakecheese · 14/05/2022 18:55

You're not unreasonable to be upset that your nephew isn't coming. You are unreasonable for taking it out on your brother. If he tries to insist on your nephew attending your wedding then imagine what he'll get from his ex not to mention his son clearly wants to go on this holiday.

Schoolchoicesucks · 14/05/2022 18:55

Sorry OP, I get that it is disappointing that your nephew won't be there. If it had been your brother who had booked the holiday, you would be totally justified in being cross. But I don't expect he gets much input into when his ex goes away.

Would you really rather your nephew came to the wedding under coercion, missing out on a holiday with his mum? Or that the people who are there want to be there to celebrate with you?

If he was 25 and did this, yes I'd be annoyed as you don't back out on plans for a better offer. But at 15 that's tough.

If you want to repair the relationship with your brother, call him back and apologise for blowing this all up. Wedding planning is stressful. Your brother didn't cause this issue. You may be able to change numbers with the caterer - it is not costing you any more so your brother does not need to pay you anything. Don't sweat the small stuff (table plans are miniscule!)

GrandSlamFinale · 14/05/2022 18:56

It's definitely thoughtless, but not worth cutting out a whole side of your family because of it. That's my opinion, anyway.

Your brother is right in that he can't physically drag him to the wedding now, can he? He's old enough to understand what this change of plans entails for you, and why a previous commitment should be respected to, unless there is an emergency. Has your bother done a decent job explaining all this to him - now that's another story...

But I wouldn't get so angry at both of them so as to stop speaking to them. Say you're disappointed, explain that it's thoughtless etc, but the fall out is overdramatic, for no good reason if you think twice about it.

MichelleScarn · 14/05/2022 18:59

His mother shouldn't have booked a holiday to clash with his aunt's wedding, I would be hugely pissed off too. Has she possibly done it deliberately?
So if that's the only week off she could get from work, no family holiday then?

WeCouldBeSpearows · 14/05/2022 19:00

I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it?

What do you think should happen if your ex-sil also puts her foot down about the holiday?

Which parent's foot gets priority? Or do you then allow the young man to make his own decision?

GrandSlamFinale · 14/05/2022 19:01

MichelleScarn · 14/05/2022 18:59

I've personally had to give up personal time in the past because of other commitments I already had. Also, a wedding doesn't last a week. It's perfectly doable to go on holiday for a number of days that's not 7 or 14, despite what MN has to say on that topic...

BetsyBigNose · 14/05/2022 19:04

YANBU imho. Incidentally, my DBro is also getting married 2 weeks today and both my own 15 and 13 year old DDs will be there. My DB's wedding has also been 3 years in the making (due to you-know-what), and there is no way on God's green Earth that either of my DDs will be missing this incredibly important and special day - no matter what "better offer" they may believe has presented itself to them! I agree that your DB should have put his foot down, your DN had made a commitment to attend your wedding and I completely understand your disappointment that he now won't be there to share it with you. I hope you have a fabulous day, nonetheless - don't let this take the shine off it for you.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 14/05/2022 19:04

You’ve had to change your seating plan!! Heavens, you have my full sympathy, what a rotten thing to do…

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 19:04

You're still massively over reacting OP. The seating plan doesn't matter, I mean how will you cope with a couple of no-shows on the day through illness or something?

Also, being without and usher will make no difference at all either.

If you're as close as you say to your nephew, I'm surprised he didn't message you himself and left it to his dad, unless he knew you'd over react maybe?

Holidays have been a bugger to plan and execute, what with Covid etc. Just let him go without guilt and tell him to enjoy yourself, before apologising to your brother.

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 19:05

*Enjoy himself

Synchrony · 14/05/2022 19:06

I would be upset if my nephew dropped out.

I wouldn't blame my brother. I don't think he can force a 15 year old to go and I think you should apologise to him and say that you really want him at your wedding.

I would blame ex-SIL. I would take an extremely dim view of her booking a holiday to clash with her son's prior commitment. Your nephew may not be aware of how expensive and time consuming planning a wedding can be, but doubtless she is.

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/05/2022 19:08

You are being incredibly unfair to to your brother and unrealistic about the choices and preferences of teenage boys.

The person in the wrong is ex SIL of you want someone to blame.

But you are being an arse.

worraliberty · 14/05/2022 19:08

BetsyBigNose · 14/05/2022 19:04

I agree that your DB should have put his foot down, your DN had made a commitment to attend your wedding and I completely understand your disappointment that he now won't be there to share it with you.

Can you explain how he should 'put his foot down'?

Steal his passport?

Threaten his ex?

Lock his son in a cupboard?

It's utter nonsense to think the man would be in a position to put a stop to the holiday.

Octopup · 14/05/2022 19:10

sorry I think you are being very unreasonable to kick up a fuss to the point of falling out over this. Do you really want your nephew there, feeling miserable and resentful and wishing he was on holiday?! You can’t expect people to arrange their lives completely around your wedding, especially a 15 year old.

The seating plan doesn’t matter, leave it as it is, there will be an empty place - doesn't matter! Or invite somebody else in your nephew’s place, pick somebody who is easy to get on with and just explain to them why they are on a table with your family. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.

No reason to make a drama out of this.

Original poster

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 19:10

I'm really not THAT bothered about the seating plan, it's just an extra thing to redo close to the wedding. I have explained all the things I am upset about in my post I'm not sure why people keep posting as if the only thing I'm bothered about is the seating plan. The point I'm trying to make is that all the final arrangements have now been made.

Also, the holiday is not abroad it is within the UK and it is somewhere they go every year, it is not something they have missed out on over the last two years because they went last year

OP posts:

smith19784 · 14/05/2022 19:11

I can see why you are upset as like you say, you are close to him and he's meant to be an usher but if I'm honest, I don't think I would fall out with family over this. Deep breath, make the changes. I can imagine that after all the cancellations and rebooking it's been an emotional journey so try to relax a bit between now and the big day or you will be exhausted and won't enjoy it. Oh & make up with your brother. It's really not worth it.

ResisterRex · 14/05/2022 19:11

Things that are rude IRL but apparently not on MN: wearing white to a wedding and dropping out at the last minute! Family dropouts are really bad and he had a role. His mum is BVU.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/05/2022 19:11

One hopes it's a reversey percy.

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