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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding dropout

172 replies

Poppymonty3 · 14/05/2022 17:53

I have been planning my wedding for 3 years and it is now two weeks away. My older brother rang me today to say my 15 year old nephew won't be coming because he has decided to go on holiday with his mum (brother and nephews mum are seperated) I have given my brother a hard time because I can't believe he is telling me this two weeks before my wedding. I have spent a lot of money per guest and have brought gifts for my nephew. I love my nephew to bits and have a lot to do with him, so I am gutted he won't be there. My brother has said he can't "tell him what to do" because he is 15 years old. I disagree massively, he is a child and he shouldn't be choosing to drop out a couple of weeks before? If I had known this months ago it would have been much better. My brother doesn't see my point of view. I will have to change my seating plan which has been printed as his name is on it. I have fallen out with my brother now tk the point where he is also now not coming to my wedding. He has not apologised for my nephew not coming or offered to help pay for him not being there. I am really disappointed with my nephew but I feel his Dad should put his foot down about it? Am I blowing things out of proportion?

OP posts:

Wife2b · 15/05/2022 07:59

I think your frustration is justified OP, it’s really frustrating when people drop out after committing. I got married last year and had I had 4 no shows, the catering was per head at £70 so £240 for nothing. If they couldn’t commit they should have said they were not coming several weeks prior. It’s shitty behaviour, people get a lot of stick for weddings and getting upset but the reality is that when money is wasted needlessly it is bloody annoying.

Crucible · 15/05/2022 08:00

Sorry about this OP, I think your Nephew and his mum are behaving terribly. To drop out when you're an usher at a close Aunt's wedding is lousy rude behaviour. Clearly your brother should be more embarrassed than he is; good luck on the day. You'll get drop outs, don't stress any more about it. X

Tulipomania · 15/05/2022 08:05

Completely understand the frustration as he is your usher.

However, you can choose how to respond to it - you don't need to dwell on it or be angry. Adjust the plans you need to, and move on so you can look forward to the big day.

And be prepared for others to drop out too. It happens. One person dropped out the morning of my wedding.

grapewines · 15/05/2022 08:13

Did you apologise to your brother yet?

garlictwist · 15/05/2022 08:15

I am debating booking a holiday later this summer on a date where I already have a wedding. It's the only realistic time I can take a week off work. And I would rather go on holiday than to a wedding. I haven't rsvp'd yet though but I don't think other people's weddings are always a priority.

CallMeNutribullet · 15/05/2022 08:17

You're being a bridezilla. Of course it's disappointing your nephew won't be there but your brother can't "put his foot down" over a holiday your ex sil has booked and that your 15 year old nephew wants to go to.

As a pp has stated I also wouldn't be arrange my life around an ex's sister's wedding and your nephew's mum is more important to him than his aunt.

Suck it up, don't fall out with your brother because his almost adult son has made a decision you don't like. Remember your wedding isn't going to be as important to everyone else as to you.

Baconking · 15/05/2022 08:30

MichelleScarn · 14/05/2022 18:59

His mother shouldn't have booked a holiday to clash with his aunt's wedding, I would be hugely pissed off too. Has she possibly done it deliberately?
So if that's the only week off she could get from work, no family holiday then?

In 2 weeks time is also half term from school so OP is lucky more haven't dropped out in favour of a week in the sun using the extra bank hoildays

coffeewithmilk · 15/05/2022 08:34

Well the morning of my wedding 2 of my family members were unwell and couldn't attend.
You need to have room for some sort of change of plans in the day. What if half your guests woke up with sore throats and positive antigens the morning of your wedding? What would you do then.
It's a wedding, I understand it's the most important day of your life, but it's not the most important day to others.
Get over it, don't sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the lead up to it. You'll look back on this in a few years and regret not being more relaxed

Grapewrath · 15/05/2022 08:36

Free holiday vs wedding for a 15 year old is a no brainer. I’m surprised anyone would try and make him feel bad for not taking the opportunity tbh

BanjoVio · 15/05/2022 08:47

Ok OP, real talk now. I get it. Lots of venues (including mine) need you to pay for the number of people you're having six weeks in advance, so it was unreasonable that you weren't told sooner. Worst case scenario, this money is a write-off but you'll get over it.
Things you can pro-actively do now:

Decide whether or not to invite someone in DN's place. Can you promote an evening guest and just tell them what name to look for on the seating plan? Can DB invite a +1 now?
Decide to let it go with the seating plan and ask the venue not to set that place. Honestly, I wouldn't stress. No one is going to notice if there's one smaller table. And if they do, so what?
Ring your brother and say, "Look, I know I got really emotional about it and I'm sorry. I've decided to do X and realise it's not the massive deal it seemed at first" and make up.
Save the presents for Christmas/birthday.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2022 08:48

Your brother cannot control what his ex does. I was also wondering if she’s been deliberately obstructive by booking this to clash with your wedding. However, perhaps this is the only time she was allowed off from work or she simply forgot and won’t / can’t change the dates.

You should contact your brother. You owe him an apology for chewing his head off for something he has little control over.

Your dn had a better offer and has decided to go, or maybe his mother is authoritarian and has pressured him into agreeing. Yes, his dad can talk to him about how rude this is. But ultimately the decision is made and the only way to get him to stay for your wedding is by force or threats of serious consequences. By this age, any parent, who wants to have a good relationship with their child is parenting largely by consent and mutual respect.

If you want your brother to be there, it really is for you to apologise for blaming him for circumstances beyond his control.

mrsjg · 15/05/2022 08:49

Stamp your feet and insist your nephew attends. I'm looking forward to your next thread 🍿

"My 15 year old nephew had a face like a smacked arse and spoilt my wedding day"

Katela18 · 15/05/2022 08:54

I'm not really sure why you need to have the seating plan reprinted just because he's no longer coming?

Guests only look for their own name on the plan, so noone is going to notice. I had people drop out at the last minute just left it as it was, there was no issue

sunshinealwayscomesback · 15/05/2022 10:33

Almost everyone has pointed out you are being unreasonable but you are not in any way questioning your viewpoint so why ask. Anyone would feel a bit disappointed yes, but to fall out with your brother is completely unreasonable. You need to make up with him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2022 12:18

Re. the seating plan - I get that it's annoying but does it have to be?
My "seating plan" was a bit less formal - I had people assigned to each table but they could sit where they chose at those tables. Unless you're down to maybe 2 or 3 people on that one table, I'd not fret - maybe bung a couple of other people onto it, give them all a bit more space?

Anyway - in an ideal world, your nephew should have kept his commitment to your wedding - but he's 15, his mum has created the situation (knowingly or otherwise) and he's stuck - for all you know, she might have been emotionally blackmailing him into going on the holiday! Equally he might just prefer the idea of a holiday and she's letting him get away with it, cos it suits her better.
Your brother maybe could have been stronger about it - but again you haven't said what the relationship between him and his ex is like - he may not have had a choice.

Like I said before, you should make it up with your brother and stop blaming him for something that is likely beyond his control.

Pugdogmom · 15/05/2022 12:41

Yes it's annoying and I understand you are upset, but you are going come OTT over this. Your wedding is a big deal to you, but not a 15 year old.

Apologise to your brother, or this is going to grow more arms and legs than it needs to be.

ArtVandalay · 15/05/2022 12:49

I get that it’s disappointing but I also think you’re blowing it out of proportion. Your wedding is clearly a huge deal if you’ve been planning it for so very long, but it isn’t to most people.

I’d imagine a 15 yr old would much rather be on holiday than at a boring wedding!

Enjoy your day and don’t focus on a small irritation.

Kite22 · 15/05/2022 16:52

So OP , have you taken any of this on board yet?
Phoned your brother and apologised profusely and asked him to please come?

zingally · 15/05/2022 17:18

Of course a 15 year old is going to chose a holiday over a wedding! Everyone (even you OP), knows other peoples weddings are boring AF.

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2022 11:57

@Poppymonty3 Hoping you are OK and have made up with your brother?

Don't sweat the small stuff. Your wedding will be lovely.

AnAfternoonWalk · 16/05/2022 21:37

Let go of your obsession over the seating plan. Enjoy your day instead of fixating on the seating plan and controlling every single person you think should care as much about your wedding as you.

If you were as close to your nephew as you claim, he would have wanted to come to your wedding. You’re trying to force him to come by putting pressure on your brother and meddling in nephew’s holiday with his own mother. You don’t get to tell them what to do. He’s not your son. Now you’ve made enemies of your family. Bridezilla.

TalkingCat · 24/05/2022 07:28

How did it go OP. Are you speaking to your brother and nephew again?

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