"you need more going on"

[Tashtale]

I'm mid twenties, a sahm (not be choice but we can't afford childcare) with my first dc. Dc is nearing 1 and a half. I had Dc in my early twenties. At first I found the sacrifices and compromises hard to get over although I accepted them. By this I mean seeing all my friends live their youth to the fullest whilst I become committed and settled. However now I feel like I'm at a point of letting it get me down I've embraced that this is my life, I look to the positives of it and I wouldn't change it for anything despite the things it lacks.

My issue is that MIL keeps insisting I need more going on. She keeps preaching about baby groups or doing something else with my time. Truth is I have no time on my hands to spare and when I do I just want to sit down and have me time. Im starting to resent the fact that I feel like I need to justify why I'm doing/not doing things. Dc isn't even 16 months yet! Is it so bad that I'm fully submerged into this lifestyle. Me and dp know it's not forever and I will get a job when Dc gets free childcare. At the moment I feel like these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm just getting on with things.

There is always that part of me in the back of my mind that thinks I'm too young to be this complacent in life and I should be off travelling the world or partying or something more productive with my time. Mils comments don't help this and when I meet up with friends and hear about their active lives this doesn't help too. But I'm happy being a mum and I'm happy to have adapted. My world may be small, Dc and dp and my family but I like it that way. I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family. Its not like my child is nearing 10 and I'm doing nothing with myself still. I feel like this level of pressure isn't called for whilst Dc is so young. Is it really so bad?

Is mil bu or am I?

Mil is BU and it's none of her business. She's lived her life and raised her children the way she wanted to. This is your life and your baby, do exactly what you want and when, it's not up to mil.

It sounds like the world is very small for your toddler. I would be concerned about their lack of exposure to peers and different types of activities.

Live your life the way you want and just keep repeating that to your MIL. She could be interfering or she could see that perhaps you aren’t as happy with your life as you’d like to be, and making connections with others who are at a similar life stage as you could provide vital support and help you feel happier and more content.

Yes , I think so too.

Sounds completely normal OP. I had my first child when I was 25 and there are alot of benefits. Ive since had 2 more giving me a larger family which I wanted. Im now 35 and have friends who are struggling to conceive. My kids are getting older now and my 45 I'll have a lot of freedom back. Its a short time while the kids are young which you'll never get back so its better to embrace these years with your kids spending alot of time with them. Under 2s need so much attention it's completely normal to be tired when you do get free time and just want to relax or take care of the house/whatever. Your Mil doesn't sound very supportive so be careful she doesnt spoil this precious time for you and your child. You are doing so much already being a good mum to your dc you dont need to do more unless you want to. And even then you'd need child care so would she help !?

If you're happy, then crack on.

Do you think she means more things for you (like going out with friends) or more things with the baby like swimming, baby groups etc?

This could be a tactful way of her trying to say that she thinks you're a bit down. Or that she thinks the baby should be out more.

You say she mentions baby groups… do you take your child to any? They’re not compulsory of course but your child is the age where she will likely enjoy them.
Otherwise, if you’re happy then crack on! You may find however that in a few years, when you’re ready to get back out there (so to speak), that your social circle has reduced.

Is she maybe thinking you could also do with the mixing to maybe make more friends in same circumstances
One if my best friends is who I met at baby group and our kids are now 18 and we have been able to share a lot together and now spend time just us doing more grown up things , which we also did when kids were small just less off

I found the baby years very hard and isolating. I think if my DIL (I don't have one!) were at home with a toddler for financial reasons and wasn't getting out to groups or meeting friends I would worry about her. Because I would have really struggled with that.

If you're happy, that's great. But I suspect your MIL may just be worried about you and the sacrifices you've made. Unless there is a bigger picture, take it in a good way and reassure her you're happy.

As a slight aside, I don't really understand the 'can't afford childcare' bit for one child, unless I'm completely out of touch with current childcare costs. I thought NMW was about £9ph and childcare about £5ph. Is that not the case any more?

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas I don't really feel Dc is missing out. Dc is going out

She sounds like a twat. Why some MILs think it’s acceptable to tell their daughter in laws how they should be living is beyond me. They’ve had their prime for goodness sake.

I had 3 by the time I was 26 and stayed at home for 8 years. Loved it. I’m 33 now with a completed OU degree and working in a respectable career with the added bonus of my kids all being fairly grown up.

That doesn’t mean I expect any future DIL of mine to follow the same path. She probably thinks you’re at home living the life of Riley not working whilst her little boy goes out to work.

I don't know why all of my message didn't send but dc see's all grandparents every week, cousins goes to soft play and goes to parks. At the age dc is I don't know what else they need

@arethereanyleftatall

5 pound an hour? LOL.

Your life, your choice, tell your mil that as often as is necessary

What qualifications and future earning potential do you have?

Why don't you ask her why she thinks that? Then you might be able to get to the bottom of whether she has a valid concern, or put her mind at rest.

To be honest Op you don't seem that happy in much of your opening post. Maybe MIL is picking up on that?

What do you do all day that means you have no time for a baby group? Your child sees family etc but seeing some other children would help with their development.

Crikey. Really? How much is it now?

Do you not want to work? There is a lot more to life than kids I think, and lots of other things that could fulfil you.

And that aside, putting all your eggs in you OH's basket, is so risky. Just look at all the threads here where women are stuck in awful relationships, or are left with no options if the relationship breaks down.

5 pound an hour? LOL.

You can get childcare at excellent CMers for that

Nurseries in my area are £60 a day. There is one childminder who is full.

I also don't understand the can't afford the childcare bit - it's a joint cost that comes out of joint income, not just your income. And you have to build into that the other advantages that earning brings - pension contributions, a career path etc etc.