"you need more going on"

[Tashtale]

I'm mid twenties, a sahm (not be choice but we can't afford childcare) with my first dc. Dc is nearing 1 and a half. I had Dc in my early twenties. At first I found the sacrifices and compromises hard to get over although I accepted them. By this I mean seeing all my friends live their youth to the fullest whilst I become committed and settled. However now I feel like I'm at a point of letting it get me down I've embraced that this is my life, I look to the positives of it and I wouldn't change it for anything despite the things it lacks.

My issue is that MIL keeps insisting I need more going on. She keeps preaching about baby groups or doing something else with my time. Truth is I have no time on my hands to spare and when I do I just want to sit down and have me time. Im starting to resent the fact that I feel like I need to justify why I'm doing/not doing things. Dc isn't even 16 months yet! Is it so bad that I'm fully submerged into this lifestyle. Me and dp know it's not forever and I will get a job when Dc gets free childcare. At the moment I feel like these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm just getting on with things.

There is always that part of me in the back of my mind that thinks I'm too young to be this complacent in life and I should be off travelling the world or partying or something more productive with my time. Mils comments don't help this and when I meet up with friends and hear about their active lives this doesn't help too. But I'm happy being a mum and I'm happy to have adapted. My world may be small, Dc and dp and my family but I like it that way. I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family. Its not like my child is nearing 10 and I'm doing nothing with myself still. I feel like this level of pressure isn't called for whilst Dc is so young. Is it really so bad?

Is mil bu or am I?

Agree.

I think she is worried about you. Baby groups can be sociable for parents too. Not always easy to find the right one but I think her comment is probably from a good place

But if you treat income as family money, and the childcare is going to cost more than one person earns, then that leads to a net loss in available household income.
I agree on the future earnings/pension etc, but for some that initial ‘cost’ can be difficult to absorb.

OP Obviously we don't know you and don't know your Mi, but you don't sound very happy in your opening post, and maybe your MiL is trying to help you ?

Suggesting that your world is very small, rather than your little one.
Don't you ever go out with friends?
Do anything that is just for you ?
Be that thinking about the future and perhaps studying or gaining some skills, or be that for your own social life or your own health and fitness or just all round wellbeing ?

Being at home with a little one and not having a 'community' around you other than relatives can be quite isolating.

I was in a very similar situation op. I used the time to study as well, and when we could afford childcare went back to work more equipped. Now 20 years on I earn very well and my children are independent at the same time many of my peers have smaller children to run after. I’m asking about qualifications because an eye to the future is a great thing to have.

In all honesty OP, I think there will come a time when you may yearn for broader horizons. But by then your life will look different and it may be easier for you to have a bigger world; when you can go back to work, or when DC are grown and you're still youngish (I'm 52, DD now 30 we go out, travel and have a great 'big' life as friends together!) If you're happy that's all that matters. And baby groups are hardly living the high life, so don't know why your MiL thinks they'll change things for you. Though I agree DC might benefit.

I think because she herself went to many toddler groups and she felt like this greatly benefited her that it will do the same for me. I think what doesn't sit right with me is it comes from a "poor you" approach. Like my life is lesser. The irony is that mil had kid after kid and never worked a day in her life! As I said I would understand her reasoning if I was 30 and had nothing going on for myself but I'm not. Neither me or dc are hard done by. I love investing myself into taking dc out and having fun with them. I love playing with dc and dc is by no means sheltered.

I think mil also wants me to relive her experiences as she made lots of mummy friends. I'm just not interested. I have my child and I love my child but I don't like other children and I have no interest in conversing and making my whole life around children. I have siblings who have dc and that is enough for me. She also makes it out like I have no friends. Prior to dc I had very few friends but the ones I do have I'm very close to. On multiple occasions I've explained to her I prefer things this way. I have friends I just don't see them that much. It's been that way before my pregnancy and that isn't going to change. My and my friends have that understanding between us and it works. I just don't need to be seen as a pity party.

Another aspect of her comment that makes me feel bad is whenever me and dp have arguments she always brings it back to "this is why you need more going on" or "see this is why I told you to join a club." me having a life outside of my small world won't stop dp being an arse sometimes ( I mean this lightly) . She just preaches it like it is the solution to all of my life problems and whenever an issue occurs it is rubbed in my face.

Lately me and dp announced we are going to be married next month and she said congratulations but our relationship would be nearing perfect if only I had more going on for me! Maybe I'm missing something here but I just really don't see the harm in the way I'm living and I don't get why it's anyones business.

I don't think it comes from a place of concern she can be quite a busy body and opinionated in how everyone she knows lives their life's.

The average day nursery fees yearly are 14k per annum for an under 2.

You may be able to get a CM for 5 pound an hour, not sure. Irrelevant if you’re earning NMW as with the added cost of fuel you’ll be left with hardly anything after, and certainly not enough to justify leaving your baby at home for all those hours, if you prefer to be a SAHM.

it is worth it of course if you have a career and you want to stay in work however if you’re on NMW and you are essentially just in a job it can make little financial sense.

I had 3 by the age of 26 and never worked. Instead I put my time to good use, studied for an OU degree and now I’m 33 and love my job in my field. Glad I didn’t pay out for just a job on reflection or else I wouldn’t have been able to study for a career that is well paid and rewarding.

OP does sound happy with her choices it’s just her MIL who doesn’t.

Certainly its not for your MIL to decide how you want to live your life and its none of her business.

But I have to say it does slightly come across in your post that you are a bit listless and isolated and its possible she's picked up on this? It must be really hard to have had a child this young at a time when most of your friends are going out and exploring the world (I couldn't have done it). You seem very settled in your relationship and committed to your child which is great but possibly a bit bored and left out. It might be better for you to make friends with other women with small children and expand your support network?

But if you want to do it, do it for you not your MIL.

Whilst I understand what you’re saying about pensions etc, I don’t think when people say they can’t afford childcare they always mean them individually.
Lets assume that both salaries go into the same pot of joint money, and it’s that pot the childcare bill is paid from. If the cost of childcare is greater than one persons wage, it really doesn’t matter if the bill is shared, there’s still less money in the family pot than if someone is a sahp. For many families, they don’t have the financial wriggle room to afford that hit.

I’ve also picked up on the fact you sound quite unhappy and it I think would definitely benefit your child to mix with others of a similar age if you don’t have a big social circle.
im sure she means well, it just may be that you’re taking it to heart as deep down you know she is right.

Toddler groups are great particularly in your area as your child will likely meet children they will go to nursery/school with.

@Tashtale - I wouldn't normally stick my nose in on how other people raise their children- but you've asked for opinions so this is mine for what it's worth. To me it is not about you and your friendships, or your MiLs opinions- but what does matter is your child having a chunk of time with children their own age and realising they are not always the most important or centre of everything. It concerns me that without that and some time away from you over the next few years, you will adversely impact DCs ability to make friends their own age and they will suffer separation anxiety when they need to go to school.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and she is certainly unreasonable to nag you, but I've observed that it's often others who notice your life is settling into a new rut before you do. It does creep up on you, whether it's doing less than before or doing more than is sensible or whatever, then you notice suddenly it's been going on for months.

OP I don’t think you sound listless at all, I think it sounds like you know exactly what you want and how to live your life. I didn’t feel the need for lots of “mum friends”. I’m 33 now with a 13 year old, 11 year old and 7 year old. I have a fab husband, a degree and I work in a field that I love. A lot of my peers are having babies now which is great for them but I shudder at the thought. I’m glad I have teens now and not when I’m possibly menopausal. Plus I still have loads of energy to apply myself and work full time.

Ive always just known exactly what I wanted, perhaps your mother in law can pick up on this and she feels a little threatened? Not all young mums stay at home weeping and you sound just fine.

To the poster who mentioned baby groups….. yes I would recommend them.

I went to them daily and they were part of my routine. Whilst not wanting to make friends (as I already had my own friends) it was nice to exchange pleasantries with other women, and it definitely is good for babies routines and overall development.

Well written.

This reminds me of my niece and SIL. She would take the baby to the park, occasional play with cousins, swimming every so often.

Niece is now 4 and has had to be picked up from preschool several times because she simply doesn't have the social skills to make friends. Doesn't know how to interact with anyone other than the 2 cousins she knows. Cries being away from the mother for so long. Doesn't know how to share etc.

The baby groups aren't for you OP, it's for the baby to learn and develop social skills. Especially if, as you say above, you have no interest in making mum friends.

How does your 'MIL' know when you and you partner argue? Are you living with her?

You are forgetting that she would need time to get to and from work, which is time she would not be earning but the CM would be charging for. Plus transport cost, plus unpaid leave for child sickness (again the CM charges you, but you are not earning). I'm a great believer in going back to work asap but financially it's an investment in the future. For a few years most of us simply worked to cover the cost of childcare

You don't have to go to baby groups and most children won't benefit from it much until they are older than 16 months. It's more socialising for the parents, but not everyone likes that scenario and it's not obligatory.

A child’s brain will develop more synapses than probably ever again when they are around 2. It is vital that they learn and develop social and other skills that age. Basically, surround them with as much new things to learn and take in as you can..

OP you asked so here goes!
I had my first child at just about 23 years old, I worked full time (40 hrs pw).
I went out at weekends with friends and still found time to sign the kid's up for extra curricular activities that they still both participate in many years later.
I am going out tomorrow afternoon with Friends and again in the evening with other friends.
Obviously it is entirely up to you how you choose to live your life but I imagine in ten/fifteen years time you will be posting on here asking for advice on how to make friends and get out and about.
Don't make your world tiny now if you can help it.....its much harder later on to 'kick start' a life for yourself than it is to maintain a life whilst child rearing.

Why does she know about your argument with your DP?

Yabu.

She is just looking out for you and probably concerned, your life should be more than this. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, madness lies that way!!

Agreed. It is SO important for their development to be with children their own age. That is one of the impacts that lockdown had on young children and nurseries are seeing huge issues in the children they have coming through now.