"you need more going on"

[Tashtale]

I'm mid twenties, a sahm (not be choice but we can't afford childcare) with my first dc. Dc is nearing 1 and a half. I had Dc in my early twenties. At first I found the sacrifices and compromises hard to get over although I accepted them. By this I mean seeing all my friends live their youth to the fullest whilst I become committed and settled. However now I feel like I'm at a point of letting it get me down I've embraced that this is my life, I look to the positives of it and I wouldn't change it for anything despite the things it lacks.

My issue is that MIL keeps insisting I need more going on. She keeps preaching about baby groups or doing something else with my time. Truth is I have no time on my hands to spare and when I do I just want to sit down and have me time. Im starting to resent the fact that I feel like I need to justify why I'm doing/not doing things. Dc isn't even 16 months yet! Is it so bad that I'm fully submerged into this lifestyle. Me and dp know it's not forever and I will get a job when Dc gets free childcare. At the moment I feel like these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm just getting on with things.

There is always that part of me in the back of my mind that thinks I'm too young to be this complacent in life and I should be off travelling the world or partying or something more productive with my time. Mils comments don't help this and when I meet up with friends and hear about their active lives this doesn't help too. But I'm happy being a mum and I'm happy to have adapted. My world may be small, Dc and dp and my family but I like it that way. I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family. Its not like my child is nearing 10 and I'm doing nothing with myself still. I feel like this level of pressure isn't called for whilst Dc is so young. Is it really so bad?

Is mil bu or am I?

It all sounds perfectly fine and lovely to me.
Many people will envy you for not striving to work and having to leave your baby. That's what I did and with hindsight I wish I had just taken a few years out when DC were babies.
At 18 months you are more than enough for her. I don't believe it's necessary for babies to do a huge round of activities. If you want to meet other mums that's a good way to do it but don't feel pushed into it for at least another year.

I'm in a very normal Midlands town, neither particularly impoverished or affluent, and it's £50 for a 10 hour day here.

Yes, at 2, but the baby isn't two yet. At 2-3 they will do parallel play and 3 onwards will actually start to play together. Something to think about for in a few months time, but again, it doesn't have to be an actual baby group. She might tear around with other toddlers at the park or at soft play, or start going to pre-school for a few hours.

You have one child. You hardly see your friends. You seem to have no outside interests. And yet you don't have time to do anything else, and have no interest in chatting to other mums. You are completely dependant on your partner. I can see why she's worried to be honest, your world is very small and it worries me that you like it that way.
All that stuff about how you used to be frustrated but now you have embraced your life as it is. Worrying. Sorry.

Maybe she thinks you are a bit unhappy and is encouraging you to join groups to meet friends in a similar situation.

If you are happy, that's a huge plus. Many SAHM aren't.

But for your toddler's sake, I'd want to expose him to his peers, to learn to share toys, handle boisterous children, take his turn etc. Doesn't have to cost much or anything. Going to a church or village hall playgroup a couple of times a week would work.

As long as you get out and about and chat to him so you are increasing hi vocabulary and understanding of the world (riding on buses and trains, feeding ducks, choosing veg in the supermarket, going for the occasional swim or to library storytime/singalong) then it's fine.

As you say, once he's older, you can get a job, study and go on holidays away from home,

OP also says I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family I think this is fine. That's what my mum did with me, we spent time with family and went on little outings, as long as you are interacting with the baby that's all they want at that age.

YUABU It will do your daughter good to mix with other children. It will also do you good to meet other mum's. Especially as most your friends don't have children. You can sit down while she plays without having to tidy up after her. Ask her to go with you if you don't want to go alone. They can be a bit clicky with other mum's already knowing each other. Some also run trips out.

Maybe she's worried about you? Are you managing to fill your day? I can understand with a newborn being consumed with the baby but are you not a bit bored? I mean this in the kindest way.

I was a SAHM as well and getting out to classes and baby groups was a lifesaver

Yes, pre-school is a very good idea. It’s just that op doesn’t really sound happy. She is young and don’t seem to have any ambitions with her life. They obviously don’t have to be high, but just some.. Children grow up quickly, and that might be what mil is picking up on. Not that it’s up to her how op should live her life. Society is also desperate for people to contribute, by working..

Hi OP,

I had my first when I was 21, all my “friends” (I didn’t really have any) were single and dropped me pretty quick.

I didn’t have family or friends to help support me so I attended baby groups but hated them, I found it so hard to socialise (I have autism) and all the other mums were much older than me and my DD was extremely attached to me, I encouraged her to play with others but I’d always end up sat by myself playing with her or reading to her so in the end I stopped going.

We had the same issue with childcare as you, all our money goes into one pot and I wouldn’t have earned enough to cover the childcare so we’d actually be losing money every month instead, I then fell pregnant with my second unexpectedly before my DD was even 1 so that delayed everything even more.

It was very isolating for me, I struggled doing everything on my own and felt sad that my children lacked a social circle no matter how hard I tried to create one.
If you have support available to you and options to branch out and make new friends then I’d certainly try, it didn’t work for me but again I had ASD so it wasn’t easy for me, you might find a lovely group of people and your little one could make some very good friends, it’s brilliant that you have family to socialise with as well, but there are positives to play groups, especially if you are considering nursery in the future, it gets them used to interacting with others in unfamiliar settings etc.

I don’t think your MIL is being unreasonable as such, it’s clearly coming from a place of concern for you and she may just be worried about you becoming isolated, it’s happens so easily to mums!

Either way you need to do whatever you feel is best for you and your baby but it might be worth looking into what activities/groups are local to you just in case you ever feel like venturing to one.

It sounds like you and MIL had a somewhat strained relationship before this comment, it's easy to project our feelings onto something that someone may have said based on how we already feel about them.

Honestly like other posters I sort of agree. I was happy with my little world too at first, but when I became a single parent when my daughter was around the age of your child I realised how tiny it was. I had no support. Going to baby groups helped both of us and honestly it was great to have a biscuit and a chat and not have to clean up millions of toys on my own after.

Try and take her out of the equation and consider that yes you may be happy, but could this little change make you happier? I struggle with change at first, but that was one I'm glad I made.
There's no harm in trying and then after a few deciding if it's for you or not. But if you don't try, you'll never know. And when you rock up to school or nursery you'll find kids and parents already know each other because they've been attending groups or the kids have older siblings etc. Ultimately it's probably something that's beneficial to you both in the long run.

My mistake was making my little family my whole world, when my daughter's dad was neglectful and abusive and I had to leave the relationship it was hard to adjust. I'm not saying you will have the same relationship issues, but seven years down the line I wish I'd done it differently at that point and not been so reliant on him or immediate family for socialising. I would have benefit from a mum friendship group independent of my relationship. It's really important that you have that for yourself just to stay sane with some like minded individuals. As much as you and he love each other he has no idea the toll it takes on you staying home with a baby all day.

@ChilledScandi

But OP has said she is returning to work once she gets free childcare? So I’m not entirely sure how that translates to a lack of ambition.

If she’s offering help
like child care maybe she’s trying to help

if she’s just telling yoj what you should do she’s being a nosy interfering cow

I’d worry if about your finances eg does he or you moan about lack of money, are you expecting them to pay for wedding. Id worry about him shouldering all financial responsibilities. I’d wonder how you would manage if bf left you.
It’s unusual not to work or study with that age child. I don’t buy the can’t afford childcare. You’ve only got one. A cm would be cheaper that what you earn on minimum wage or do what lots do and work around him so barmaid, weekend care work etc. if you’ve not got qualifications it would be great time to do them.
The vague I’ll work when they are older. How? What would you put on cv or interview - people not working usually study or volunteer.
What’s your plan. If you have another baby you might be not working 6 or 7 years. Then really struggling to get a job plus childcare isn’t free - wrap around and holiday childcare.
I’d also think it’s odd not to take him to toddler groups.
If you were coming over as happy I doubt she’d say things.
Is bf perhaps saying things to his mum about how he’s not happy.

Ok sorry, I actually missed that.

Babies/young toddlers having to interact socially with a large group of babies/young toddlers at a very young age is largely a moden construct, with the advent of the day nursery. DM stayed at home with me until I was just going into junior school and I went to the school nursery when I was 3, mornings only. We didn't go to play groups but we went to the park, went to the supermarket, went to feed the ducks, went to see family- quite a small world as the OP describes. They don't have to be doing baby yoga and mandarin and have other toddlers hit them over the head with toy bricks to become normally socialised. I don't think Generation X are known for their lack of social skills.

So your DC was born in the height of lockdown? All baby groups /activities were shut?

It sounds like because these activities were not an option to you at the start, you may have closed them off as options now.

Honestly, I loved the baby groups I went to (you try a few out, stick with the ones that you and the baby enjoy - but TBH, babies like most stuff).

The baby groups were as much for me as DC. Talking to adults; discussing things that might not be going so well and having 3 or 4 different suggestion to try; having a social life, making new friends who were at the same lifestage as you so just 'got it'

The babies learn to socialise and be with other people which will help when they do go to nursery.

In the nicest possible way, she cares.
If your world revolves around baby then when is your self care time?
Your toddler gets to be exposed to new scenarios (there are always new activities at play groups) and you get a sit down for 5.
She may even off to babysit if you go out with a friend for an afternoon- just a chance to be you.
It's not about meeting other mom's it's just a change from the same things in and out

OP if you are truly happy with your life the way it is just ignore what your MIL has to say, or better still tell her to butt out. I actually think it’s quite rude of her to try to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you just because you are content with your life how it is, and despite what most people are saying on here your dc will not be missing out by not being taken to mother and baby groups. At 15 months she doesn’t need other children to play with. Being out and about with you will help her development just as much or probably more than being surrounded by a load of noisy babies.

Baby and toddler groups are mostly for the parents. Children that age need lots of interactions, experience, and conversation. That doesn’t actually need to come from a variety of people and places. An experience for a toddler can be something as simple as a trip to the post office or ‘helping’ you make dinner. The key is to talk to them and engage them in the process.

I would be more concerned with your lack of earning power. It does put you and your child in a vulnerable position. If there is any way you could use this time to study or train to try to improve your prospects that is where I would focus your efforts.

How does she know you argue with bf? Is it unstable eg you argue, him going home to mum and she’s just worried overall.
If you were both coming across as happy then I doubt she’d say anything.

Good for you for being able to adapt as well as enjoy what you're doing! A lot of people struggle with that transition, especially if it happens when they're young like you. The next time your MIL makes a comment like that, tell her clearly that you are happy with what you're doing now and that you intend to work when you're able to get free childcare, and there is nothing wrong with that so she should please keep her judgement to herself

@Dixiechickonhols

Not necessarily. It could be because she’s annoyed her son is the earner and sees her daughter in law at home not earning. We can’t just assume this mother in law has OPs best interests at heart. OP is in contact with her own mother regularly and she doesn’t seem to have any concerns?

OP you’ve transitioned well and some people struggle with that. Particularly because you’re young. You clearly stated in your OP you will work once your child is eligible for the free hours.

You need to learn however moving forward your MILs opinions are just that. Opinions which hold no weight.

As you can see by the thread there are some people who really need the interaction of lots of other people around and lots of activities otherwise they feel isolated, bored and going crazy. I think your MIL is probably one of those.

Then there are others who enjoy their own company or occasional interactions with a small group of close friends and family, but don't even need that all the time.

And of course it's a scale - lots of people fall somewhere between the two.

It was quite clear during the pandemic lockdowns which people fell into which camp.

The only thing I would suggest is that if you are happy with your life as it is, and DP is happy with your life together you don't have to make any changes to suit anyone. But is your MIL getting the impression from you or DP that you are not happy?

People usually offer advice like she is doing to help - when she sees you are you happy and chatty etc? If she says something like "what did you do this week?" and you say "nothing really, went to the park a couple of times" then she probably imagines herself doing that and being bored, lonely and unhappy.

If you describe and talk about your life to her in more positive, glowing terms - "Had a wonderful week MIL - spend loads of time with my siblings and their children, read a fantastic book on xxxx, and I'm thinking about redecorating the spare room, what do you think about this colour?"