"you need more going on"

[Tashtale]

I'm mid twenties, a sahm (not be choice but we can't afford childcare) with my first dc. Dc is nearing 1 and a half. I had Dc in my early twenties. At first I found the sacrifices and compromises hard to get over although I accepted them. By this I mean seeing all my friends live their youth to the fullest whilst I become committed and settled. However now I feel like I'm at a point of letting it get me down I've embraced that this is my life, I look to the positives of it and I wouldn't change it for anything despite the things it lacks.

My issue is that MIL keeps insisting I need more going on. She keeps preaching about baby groups or doing something else with my time. Truth is I have no time on my hands to spare and when I do I just want to sit down and have me time. Im starting to resent the fact that I feel like I need to justify why I'm doing/not doing things. Dc isn't even 16 months yet! Is it so bad that I'm fully submerged into this lifestyle. Me and dp know it's not forever and I will get a job when Dc gets free childcare. At the moment I feel like these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm just getting on with things.

There is always that part of me in the back of my mind that thinks I'm too young to be this complacent in life and I should be off travelling the world or partying or something more productive with my time. Mils comments don't help this and when I meet up with friends and hear about their active lives this doesn't help too. But I'm happy being a mum and I'm happy to have adapted. My world may be small, Dc and dp and my family but I like it that way. I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family. Its not like my child is nearing 10 and I'm doing nothing with myself still. I feel like this level of pressure isn't called for whilst Dc is so young. Is it really so bad?

Is mil bu or am I?

I don’t think op sounds happy as such…more resigned

My MIL loves her ‘groups’ I’m sure it’s because outside of organised activities no one would actually choose to spend any time with her.

it’s your life, you do what you enjoy. If you think you’d enjoy doing more then give it a go. But do it for you, and tell her to butt out.

Babies needing to develop social skills is BS. I was a SAHM and we were at home for 3.5 years we went to minimal baby clubs. She's a normal almost 9 year old with lots of friends, in fact there's always kids knocking on our door because they want to play with her. Your child will be fine OP you go to baby clubs to socialise with other adults nothing to with babies socialising.

@LuckySantangelo35

I disagree. Rather than fall into a long standing postnatal depression and do nothing other than make unhelpful comparisons with other young ladies, I think the OP has accepted she is a young mum so has decided to embrace it. I think this shows a level of maturity and resilience rather than a resignation.

The baby group thing is forced upon all new mums. I did it with my first because my friend was going. I didn't personally make any friendships and I could have taken it or left it. My second I never bothered. I was busy enough.i preferred taking them for walks or to the park to be honest.

Life is a funny thing that keeps changing. When I had my first child 7 years ago I was lost in that pregnancy/baby bubble for the next few years. It's only really been this last year I've thought about me again. I was obsessed if I am honest. I loved it. I loved the excitement of scans and baby shopping. I loved watching one born every minute with a packet of biscuits lol. What you need to do is do things YOUR way. That's what's best for you. We don't all want baby groups and stuff. Just ignore her. Every mum has had another opinionated mother on her case. Ut intentions cones from a place of care or concern.

You'll get some independence back and you will have plenty of time to live. The grass is always greener.

@Strawberrydelight55

I do think the baby groups can be forced. I went everyday as part of my babies routine and I knew it was good for their development.

I wasn’t there to make friends though with other women or build a support network. For starters in my area many of the mothers were in their late 30s/early 40s so miles apart from my then 20 year old self.

Of course I exchanged pleasantries but I wasn’t interested in being friends with women who were essentially my own mothers age. They often just presumed I was a child minder 😂.

Also I did the one born every minute with biscuits 😂 but I just loved that stage of my life. Seems like a different life now with work/teen/tweens, so I am glad I did just embrace it

You are being productive raising and nurturing a child. There is nothing productive about partying or travelling the world. Nothing wrong with either but they are purely for personal enjoyment and no one but you will ever care or enjoy the fact you have done those things nor will you receive any advantage from having done them.

There is too much pressure on Mums these days to do other things. It’s fine just mumming, rather than keeping endlessly busy for the sake of it or acting like you love your crappy monotonous job and are not only a mum but a career woman too.

Fuck all that noise, you’ve got it right, be satisfied with what you have if it’s good.👍
Complacency makes the world go round, kids grow up happy and is the stuff of life, it’s a shame it’s a dirty word in the modern world.

There might not be anything productive about partying or travelling the world, but why do mums always have to do things that are productive? Why not things that are just for enjoyment? The enjoyment is the advantage for having done them. It’s good for people to do things just because they enjoy them, and not for any tangible benefit. Men seem to manage hobbies/socialising without any pressure for these things to be ‘productive’.

@lameasahorse

A SAHM can do plenty just for herself - going out getting shitfaced at clubs night after night or travelling the world aren’t the only things people can do for themselves. A hobby, friends, heck even binge watching TV or tasting food you like. I find those things more enjoyable than endless travel or partying, a lot of people do but for whatever reason everyone (especially women) are meant to go through this stage of doing “big trips” and partying for a decade before becoming Mums or having a family. Whatever.

Travel is fine, I f the accomodation is good and it’s short term, but I can’t be arsed organising some world tour on a shoestring and keeping to a schedule just so I feel like I’ve crammed in enough travel, I get sick of that quick. I don’t think I’m alone in that even if that isn’t the hip thing.

Why the fuck do women have to be productive?

It’s like saying being just a woman isn’t enough, you’re not of any worth unless you’re child rearing.

partying and travelling the word is great fun. Why does it need to be productive to be any more worth while doing?!

also when you say partying and travelling doesn’t benefit anyone else…:well neither does have a kid! You could even say it’s detrimental to others as planet is so overcrowded!

so much patriarchy and internalised misogyny in your thread

100%. You’ve said what I was trying to say more succinctly!

It doesn't sound small at all, it sounds lovely! Only 16 months and always with a loving mum, trips to the park and other stuff daily. It's great. Don't worry OP it's all good and MiL needs to keep her sticky beak out.

Maybe your mil is a bit worried that you are isolating yourself? The world is very small when you are at home with little one. Maybe she means well and wants you to go out, meet other mums etc, esp if your friendship groups are all still going out, not settled. It may make you feel better to meet new mums in the same stage as you? I remember feeling really lonely on mat leave. I didnt do loads but I went to baby massage singing etc just for adult conversation in the day x

Childcare around here costs nearly £70 per day. Factor in payment on national insurance and the time spent commuting when not earning it is very feasible for it to be unaffordable. You are very out of touch...

@LuckySantangelo35

Christ almighty, the OP was saying she felt like she should be more productive and talked about not partying or travelling the world - I was just trying to make her feel better by saying that raising a child had as much worth as either of those things because she was questioning herself. I wasn’t going on some travellers thread and talking about how they need to have kids.

Way to read into everything for your “cause”.

I have two young children/ babies in my twenties also we go to a group every day it's so good for them and me I've met some great mum friends. Do you fancy trying a local playgroup? X

I don’t think those toddler groups are necessary unless you want to go, I worked as a nanny for a few years and went with the babies back then that I minded. Didn’t bother with my own, covid had them closed anyway but now they are open again I haven’t an interest myself. I think with a 16 month old it won’t make a big difference. The likes of learning to share ect doesn’t come into play developmentally till they are 3-4 from what I remember and further more, it sounds like she gets plenty of social interaction. I know my little girl wants to befriend everyone she meets on the road so it certainly hasn’t impacted her social skills and she was born at the start of the pandemic. Really for the most part, those groups are for the adults benefit in case people are isolated or lonely, which it doesn't sound like you are.

@Tamzo85

to quote you

“You are being productive raising and nurturing a child. There is nothing productive about partying or travelling the world. Nothing wrong with either but they are purely for personal enjoyment and no one but you will ever care or enjoy the fact you have done those things nor will you receive any advantage from having done them.”

but In reality having a child v partying and travelling…
having a child is purely for personal pleasure and no one and only op will care about either of the two.

Baby groups are shit. Babies don't care, and they're for parents who want to talk to other parents. Talking to other parents is ear-bleedingly boring. They will actually describe nappy contents to you (When this happened to me I responded with "oh god, why would you tell me that, I thought that was a stereotype") or just bang on about babies.

Do your own thing. Work can come later. Ignore MIL, she'll probably complain no matter what you do anyway.

Tamzo's been on a right Handmaideny posting spree this morning. It's like the 1850s opened an account.

Yeah. I think she's expressing concern.

@LuckySantangelo35

I would think her child will actually care about it quite a bit, as hopefully will her husband and hopefully others as well.

Talk about making something out of nothing. I was only trying to say there’s nothing wrong with having a child earlier and not travelling or partying thru your 20’s - so if your happy don’t feel guilty.

I was trying to reassure her that feeling happy with her life was fine. Is that really so bad ffs?

Op how your first post came off , very different to
Your update , hence the post you got
Settled for , accepting etc aren't positive phrased