"you need more going on"

[Tashtale]

I'm mid twenties, a sahm (not be choice but we can't afford childcare) with my first dc. Dc is nearing 1 and a half. I had Dc in my early twenties. At first I found the sacrifices and compromises hard to get over although I accepted them. By this I mean seeing all my friends live their youth to the fullest whilst I become committed and settled. However now I feel like I'm at a point of letting it get me down I've embraced that this is my life, I look to the positives of it and I wouldn't change it for anything despite the things it lacks.

My issue is that MIL keeps insisting I need more going on. She keeps preaching about baby groups or doing something else with my time. Truth is I have no time on my hands to spare and when I do I just want to sit down and have me time. Im starting to resent the fact that I feel like I need to justify why I'm doing/not doing things. Dc isn't even 16 months yet! Is it so bad that I'm fully submerged into this lifestyle. Me and dp know it's not forever and I will get a job when Dc gets free childcare. At the moment I feel like these are the cards I've been dealt and I'm just getting on with things.

There is always that part of me in the back of my mind that thinks I'm too young to be this complacent in life and I should be off travelling the world or partying or something more productive with my time. Mils comments don't help this and when I meet up with friends and hear about their active lives this doesn't help too. But I'm happy being a mum and I'm happy to have adapted. My world may be small, Dc and dp and my family but I like it that way. I go out nearly every day to parks or out with family. Its not like my child is nearing 10 and I'm doing nothing with myself still. I feel like this level of pressure isn't called for whilst Dc is so young. Is it really so bad?

Is mil bu or am I?

“You have one child. You hardly see your friends. You seem to have no outside interests. And yet you don't have time to do anything else, and have no interest in chatting to other mums. You are completely dependant on your partner. I can see why she's worried to be honest”

this hits the nail on the head I think!

op arrange to go out with your pals! Have an afternoon on a Saturday where you meet up for a catch up over cocktails! Let your partner or your mil look after the baby.

get to a baby/toddler group for your sake and your child’s. What on earth can you be doing that makes you too busy to go?

I don’t think OP sounds isolated as she is seeing her family on a daily basis, having trips out with them and to the park etc. That is not really the same as someone who is sitting in their house daily and not going out anywhere.

I think she’s worried that your entire life is just being a mum, obviously your child is always going to be the main focus, that’s normal, but you have no hobbies, no career, limited friends, no mum friends at all. I can see why she’s concerned. I don’t think it’s good to make your entire purpose in life raising children. It’s good to have your own identity and things you enjoy separate from being a mum. If you don’t want to be away from your child then making mum friends so you can socialise with them and your child has other kids to interact with is a great idea.

I agree - she doesn't sound happy on this thread and if that's the impression she is giving her MIL every week then it's understandable why the MIL is trying to help with her 'more going on' advice.

But only the OP really knows the source of her unhappiness - whether that's her life itself, or pressure of comparisons, money worries, or something else under the surface which she doesn't want to talk about on here. But it could just be that she's fed up with people telling her that her life is boring and 'not enough'.

Whatever it is it's not as simple as 'get yourself to more baby groups' which lots of PPs are pushing like the MIL.

Adding the pressure of not measuring up to other people's expectations and comparing yourself to other people including perhaps the other Mums at a playgroup might make everything worse.

Maybe it's the way I worded things but I am not miserable nor unhappy. Yes when I see my friends it makes me realise the life I gave up but I'm content with that now! In fact Im impressed at myself and how well I have adjusted into my lifestyle. Some people would find it agonising being young and being limited but I don't.

As I stressed before I am NOT a big friend person. This is not personal to me having a child. I don't feel the need to have those type of relationships be so prominent in my life. I have a couple of good friends I chime in with here and there but for the most part my friends have all moved on and live in different places now and although it was sad that is part of growing up! Pre child I was neve one to go out or have a big group of friends. I did all that in my late teens and got over it all quite quickly when I realise it just wasnt me. What I don't get is if someone is happy not having friends why they are instantly isolated or made to feel weird about it from other people. I am fine! My "unhappiness" that is coming across is from people making me feel like I shouldn't be fine with this. But my question is why can't I be?!

Also I posted this to discuss mil opinion on my life but this is NOT AN OPEN INVITATION TO DICTATE MY PARENTING. That is completely inappropriate. My child is not anti social! I have about 20 cousins believe it or not so my dc sees many children from a variety of age. My dc also meets children in soft play and the park. I speak to the mums there but I have absolutely not interest in having permanent relations with them. Besides that my dc is abit too young for toddlers. Dc can't really engage with them properly yet and only has a very limited vocabulary.

I am not "dependant" on my dp for everything. Yes financially we share an income but that is for reasons I do not need to explain. Its just how it worked out. But I'm very close with my siblings and see/talk to them all the time. I go out with dp and do things without him. He isn't my only source of adult in my life.

I just like it the way things are. I know that my time for work will come and then I will be working full time and life will be completely different. I'm just embracing how it is now

@Tashtale There you go then OP - what you are dealing with then is simply a difference of personality type with you and your MIL. She's clearly an extrovert who needs lots of company and outside interaction - which is great if that works for her.

She's internalizing your life/conversations about your life and imagining how stressful and lonely she would find it. Doesn't sound like she will ever get it from your perspective , so in your shoes I would do one of the following:

Ignore/grey rock the comments - let them wash over you

or

Be so overwhelmingly postive about your life in her company, tell her about all the stuff you are doing, all the wonderful things you do with your cousins, books you are reading, online training course etc, all the lovely play activities DS is getting that she can hardly get a word in edgewise - a few months of that and I bet you'll hear less 'you need more in your life' stuff.

@Tashtale

I was very similar to you. Had a big family support network. Mother, sister, multiple female cousins. You’ll be alright - it’s just people who are projecting their own unhappiness on what they perceive to be an unhappy situation. I don’t think you sound unhappy I think you sound content and resilient. You’re not there as a young mum weeping in the corner you’re living your life how you see fit but you’re getting a bit sick of other peoples judgements, notably your mother in laws.

There are many advantages to having children in your 20s and you sound like the type who will embrace that when you hit your 30s and beyond.

This ^
noone needs people in their life just for the sake of it
OP has siblings and friends she just doesnt want to be around them all the time.

For goodness sake doing things just because thats what society says is the norm is unhealthy and this is when people feel like imposters in their own life !!

Do what makes you and your family unit happy

“If you describe and talk about your life to her in more positive, glowing terms - "Had a wonderful week MIL - spend loads of time with my siblings and their children, read a fantastic book on xxxx, and I'm thinking about redecorating the spare room, what do you think about this colour?"”

don’t say this.

It will make you look weird.

That doesn’t constitute a wonderful week in anyone’s book

Really? If it's makes you happy it sounds wonderful to me!

I had an amazing week last week with working part-time (from home) creating a vegetable garden, watching my DD in a school event, reading two novels, did an online training course for fun (learning Arabic for no reason than because it looks interesting) I didn't see or interact with anyone else outside my DH or DD in person. If my MIL asked how my week went I could talk happily about any of it and she would be in no doubt that I'd had a full and productive week which I found engaging and fulfilling.

The OP is finding her choices fulfilling and what she wants right now - the challenge is finding a way to convince her MIL that she doesn't need or want 'more going on'.

Out of interest @LuckySantangelo35 what's a wonderful week to you?

She's repeatedly said she does have a close group of small friends - who at the present time do not live close by. She also goes out regularly with her siblings and cousins - presumably because she likes spending time with them.

My grandma's best friend was one of her younger sisters. Her next closest friend was one of her older sisters. They spend decades as each other's closest friends - friends can be blood relations too.

My best friends are all 3000 miles away so at the moment we have mostly an online/phone relationship - it works for us.

LOL - guess I'm easily pleased!

The point I was trying to make was that if anyone asked me how my week was they would be in no doubt that I was busy and happy.

The OP's issue is that her MIL doesn't think she's busy and happy.

If as the OP has now confirmed she is busy and happy with her life - her issue is finding a way to communicate this to the MIL so that the nagging (which is making her unhappy) stops.

Just from the way you've worded things here it seems like her suggesting you join some groups to meet people is making you feel bad about not having a job? It may be that she's just encouraging you to get out more for the mental health benefits? When you're not working and missing out on daily interaction with other people then life can start to feel a bit monotonous. I'm 8 months in to my maternity leave and I definitely find this!

Baby groups are brilliant for meeting others in a similar stage of life and building up a support system! I'm in a really great group where I've made the best friends.

@wordler

I’d need to speak to more than two people

I agree with you - re communication.

Also agree with you that busy isn't required for happiness and contentment but I suspect it's a thing for the OP's MIL. Especially comments when told the OP is planning a wedding her first comment is 'your life would be perfect now if only you had more going on'

Going out more for “mental health benefits” only really works if you’re feeling isolated to begin with and the OP isn’t.

Like I said OP the only thing you really need to change about your life is the weight you give to other peoples opinions.

You sound fine, your baby sounds fine, your life sounds fine.

I wouldn't think about this any more op.

You're happy and sound contented and so does your little one.

Take no more notice. It will all be ok.