To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

OP you did the right thing.

The woman you contacted has been very silly and the responses on here are shocking and bizarre.

Aren't they just.

Only on mumsnet would somebody be called unhinged, jealous, a stalker and overly invested for trying to prevent somebody being hurt or god forbid killed - then expressing frustration that the person has completely disregarded that warning.

The man hit an actual baby ffs.

YANBU. This woman is being stupid. Being given solid evidence that a man has been convicted of abusing other women and children when your only two weeks into a relationship and staying with him is a very stupid thing to do. One day she will realise this herself. And as for the people saying things Maybe it’s you that’s his ex? Or questioning why your able to see his SM. It’s comments like this that makes people turn the other way instead of warning others what an abusive person is actually like, incase others turn it on you which is exactly what people on here have done. It amazes me that on a site specifically aimed at woman, that anyone would question the motives of OP for trying to warn another woman against a convicted abuser

Goodness no, @Wellyboots12 Not remotely suggesting that the women were "the promiscuous ones". I was reading from your OP that it must be a pretty close knit community for anyone to know who anyone else is sleeping with, never mind knowing anything much about their pasts, and it sounded a bit as if everyone had slept with everyone (though that's hyperbole, obviously). I certainly didn't mean to cast aspersions at the women any more than at the men, though. That kind of everyone-knowing-everyone-else's-business-along-with-the-contents-of-their-underwar community just wouldn't be for me. It also sounded as if you were enjoying the gossip element of it, alongside wanting to warn the man's new girlfriend.

On another note, I am genuinely astounded that there are real live people who put pictures of themselves on social media at all, never mind with a boyfriend of two weeks. I don't have a single friend or family member who puts recognisable things on the internet.

I think reading that posters posts she believes only women in cities deserve looking our for. Not those pesky women in villages and small towns who might dare to know each other

Her views are wierdly narrow minded (parochial in fact)

Thanks for clarifying.

It's a small town with not much going on and I haven't lived there for almost 6 years now, but yes that's what it's like. Most people of a similar age know each other, or have friends in common, so word travels fast.

The reason I, and his ex who I was friends with, knew so much about the other women is because they contacted her when his conviction was put in the local telegraph. We were fairly close at the time so naturally I got to hear alot of what she was being told.

Also yes there are a sizable number of people who do put their business on social media, I'm not one of them but know a few who do.

What did I say that gave you the impression I was enjoying gossiping? I haven't spoken to anybody IRL about any of this.

OP I believe you did the right thing. I can feel your frustration but you can't save everybody, but your conscience is clear now. You have provided her with information which will help her in the future. Some abusive men are just really good at charming women. I also believe no woman can leave until she has reached her enough is enough.
I too was in an abusive relationship and looking back there were red flags which I dismissed or ignored, I just didn't have the confidence to split up, basically I didn't trust my instincts.

My sister passed on Claire's Law on a piece of paper to one of his new girlfriends. I really hope it helped her. To be honest if anyone needs to use Clair's Law I would say trust your instincts. I felt a lot of responsibility to the other women and it made me feel guilty. It also made me rage that one of the reasons I left was so my young children would not grow up seeing domestic violence yet they still did with his new girlfriends.

I totally get you coming on here for a bit of a rant. Perhaps you could ask Mumsnet to edit the title to something else like feel helpless for this woman.

Why are you stalking them on social media? It's non of your business that she decided to stay with him and to call her stupid makes you a bit of a dick also

Bla bla bla we've done this one to the death. Next 👋

Please don't feel guilty, you didn't have a responsibility to anybody but yourself. Yes it's good if somebody can be warned but it's not an obligation and most importantly isn't always safe.

I'm a few hundred miles away from where that bloke lives, he doesn't pose any threat to me.

Well done for getting out when you did, that's a brilliant example you've set for your DC.

Seriously? Did you check your morals at the door or something? Man gets arrested for sex offences goes from single parent to single parent always picks someone with a child would you accept that she has the right to be warned or no? Don't think for one minute the police or social services will do it because they don't as a rule especially if they are no longer on the register or the rape case failed and was not taken further

@LadyHooHa

That, however, would be a bit different from the scenario in the OP, where everyone seems to know everyone else and to have slept with them all*
It's the parochial nature of it all that jars with me.*

Oh how terribly vulgar it is - I mean nobody from the echelons of society like you & yours have ever slept with people, had relationships or have ever been victims of domestic violence have they? And if they are it’s all handled very discreetly with decorum at all times. Nobody would ever gossip about it at bridge & even though everyone knows at the golf club, we’d never make it obvious. God forbid.

I could be wrong
but I doubt it
you sound somewhat unhinged OP

She doesn't remotely unhinged.

What's your agenda?

There was a thread the other day about people marrying serial killers in prison

Some people are just bloody stupid

I think you did the right thing telling her

If he has a history like that, you should tell children social care about their relationship.

if he’s been arrested for these things they can consider a Claire’s law disclosure

From what I could tell from her profie her children are grown up so social services wouldn't be able to do anything.

So she didn't respond in the way you expected, and you're verbally abusing her ? 🙄

OP, as someone who's had loved ones in these terrible and abusive situations - thank you for trying. I understand your frustration because I've felt it too.

Wow, some very strange POVs here. Why is it not reasonable for OP to warn this woman of the great danger she is in? Ignoring her plight would be reprehensible because the behaviour you walk past is the behaviour you accept.

OP isn't verbally abusing her. She's expressing her frustration anonymously, on an anonymous forum, not standing in front of her and calling her an idiot to her face..

Lot of apologists and enablers for DA on this thread which is quite depressing.

Yes she is stupid. Bit different if they had been together a while and she was loved up, but with all the evidence in front of her at an early stage she's ridiculous to carry on with the relationship. I worked with a woman who's daughter was put in hospital by her boyfriend. When they split up he started a relationship with another woman. My work colleague and her daughter went to her and told her everything, begged her to walk away from this man.. she didn't. They ended up getting married then when she did eventually leave him he murdered her and her friend. I know what it's like to be love bombed I've been there, but to have all the proof in front of me it would then be foolish to carry on.

I can understand why the OP felt she had to intervene, having been a victim of abuse herself. However, I don’t understand how calling her stupid on this platform is helpful, beyond the OP venting her frustration. That said, I don’t agree that it’s victim blaming either. If the relationship was only a couple of weeks old when the OP let this woman know about his history, alarm bells should have prompted her to do her own research. To just go blithely on with the relationship after receiving incontrovertible proof he’s an abuser is irresponsible - especially if she has children as she’s putting her own needs before their safety. She may not be a victim now, but it’s only a matter of time.

A year down the line when he has turned her life upside down she sure as hell will feel stupid! Your evidence isnt chitter chatter its fact and all backed up, what a shame she is clearly in with both feet.

There will be another way. Most areas have a commissioned DV service. The police also have the PVP unit.

if they are concerned (and they possibly have information that none else does) they can consider a referral to MARAC.
At MARAC the outcome may be to do a Claire’s law disclosure