Page 12 | To think this woman is stupid

Wellyboots12 · 2022-05-13T09:36:35+00:00

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother. That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding ^her^ child. He served time in prison. I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there. She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life. Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks. AIBU to think she's stupid? I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

jaffacakesareepic · 13/05/2022 17:26

PumpkinsandKittens · 13/05/2022 17:21

So do you now continue to check his SM and warn others he is dating in the same way?

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A. Thats not what the op did, stop twisting facts

B. I did actually warn his next girlfriend yes.

The last I heard hes back living with his mum and is single, but its a large village and several of the women have come across his behaviour so im quite sure if one of them came a ross him in a pub on a date the moment he went to the toilet they would have a quiet word with the woman to warn her.

DogsAndGin · 13/05/2022 17:33

Oh no! I accidentally clicked the wrong one! YANBU. She is playing with fire

Onwards22 · 13/05/2022 17:35

I do acknowledge that stupid was a harsh word to use and perhaps it's not fair to call somebody stupid.

I think stupid is a nice word for her.

If you jumped out of a plane and someone told you the parachute you were wearing doesn’t work you’d be stupid to keep it.
The same goes here.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2022 17:44

Well I wouldn't use the word stupid, but If I had to swear under Oath I'd have to say I agree with you. If he's treated the mother of his children in such a barbaric twisted way making her lose her children it'll only be a matter or time before he turns on her.

LowlandLucky · 13/05/2022 18:03

Yes she is being stupid, she has the facts and is choosing to ignore them. She has been with him 2 weeks so he has no hold over her, she can walk away but she chooses not to. Not victim blaming, just stone cold fact.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 13/05/2022 18:15

You did the right thing op it’s up to her if she chooses to listen . I’d want to know if someone had a history like this but you can’t help some people. It’s a shame but you done what you can and carry on please .

noborisno · 13/05/2022 19:36

AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2022 16:30

@Wellyboots12

What is wrong with some people? Over and over on threads we see people posting "You MUST tell them" about abuse, infidelity, criminal convictions, etc etc. But when someone actually DOES it, they get blasted!

Of course you were right to tell her AND to provide proof. And I think I also probably would have thought "Are you stupid or what?" if I saw later posts of them all loved up. But I think 'stupid' isn't really what someone means in this situation, they mean 'willfully blind'. This woman may be a theoretical physicist or a member of Mensa, but she can still be just as blind as the next person when it comes to emotional needs vs what is 'good'.

You've done all you can do. Now the best (and healthiest) thing you can do is block her and him from your SM.

@noborisno

The 'answer' is two-fold.

Those of you with daughters must raise them to be fearless, confident, and independent. They need to be taught that being alone is better than to be wishing they were. That having no man is better than having a bad one. That they can walk away at any time and be received back with "I believe you" and the full support of the family. Too many times a woman's own family will say "for the sake of the children" or "What did you do? He is always so nice to us". My own mother was scandalized at the thought of one of her children being divorced. Thank God for my father and his wisdom. He just said "Tell me what you want me to do".

And those of us with sons need to raise them to respect ALL people, that violence is NEVER the answer, and that their testosterone-excuse-making bullshit will not be tolerated. Not by their mothers, not by their sisters, not by their daughters, not by anyone within their sphere. We need to back our son's wives and girlfriends to the hilt in cases of domestic abuse, not fall back on "He's my son" or "blood is thicker than water". I am lucky in that my two adult sons are good men and I have confidence in their respect for women and their belief in non-violence in any conflict. But if my DiL should come to me, you damn bet I'd listen to her with an open heart AND an open mind.

This is going to be the work of generations. It's changed since I was a young woman in the 70s when there was no such thing as rape within a marriage and most domestic violence was considered the woman's fault and her shame for 'antagonizing' since, you know, 'the menz have tempers'. We're now, what, almost 2 generations from then? We've made progress but we're fighting an uphill battle. And battles are won step by step.

Yes! I was with someone who was absolutely worthless and I look back now and just wonder why I thought I wasn't worth more. It was for years as well.

I think as parents we should prioritise talking to our children about relationships. After all, we all end up in them and in families, well most of us, so it's something we all desire and all gravitate to naturally it seems.

But we don't teach about it like we do English and Maths? And it's arguably more important.

I love what you said, I have a daughter, and I will be doing this.

TunaSalad · 14/05/2022 11:47

Wow this place is like the twilight zone sometimes.

You absolutely did the right thing OP and I can fully understand why you are frustrated that she has taken no notice. I would feel exactly the same.

justfiveminutes · 14/05/2022 13:29

Some of the replies you've had are crazy, op. Of course you did the right thing by telling her. You're not a bitter ex telling her all of his petty, minor faults. You are an unbiased observer directing her to investigate information that is publicly available. To have convictions, he must have been responsible for some serious stuff.

But you don't have to go far on mn to find women who chose to live with, marry or have children with pretty awful men. Sometimes they changed over the course of the relationship, but sometimes they were showing their true colours from the start and the women choose to ignore it.

I know you've had a kicking for the word stupid but she really is. To be ignoring such a vast amount of concerning information, history and behaviour after just two weeks, is stupidity. No matter what lies he's telling her about being a changed man, she's stupid.

But maybe your warning will be in her head now, and she's be alert to any unacceptable behaviour, telling herself she'll leave the second she sees it.

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:34

No she doesn’t

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No she doesn’t

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:37

LetHimHaveIt · 13/05/2022 10:48

Agree. Hardy victim-blaming; she's not yet a victim of anything, it would seem. She's deliberately elected to ignore completing evidence. If she got kids, she's demonstrating she can't put them
first. Stupid.

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I agree @LetHimHaveIt

Dragonfly97 · 14/05/2022 18:44

Well done Op for stepping up; years ago I found myself in an abusive relationship, I was lucky and got out of it; a close friend (who I trusted!) then told me she'd known all along that he was abusive- I was speechless, eventually I asked why she didn't tell me; she said "Oh, you wouldn't have listened!" I WOULD have!!! I was really angry. We're not friends anymore.

Bunchymcbunchface · 14/05/2022 18:46

Yup she’s stupid.

IvyM · 14/05/2022 18:49

Yes, she’s stupid. No, it’s not victim blaming as she’s not a victim yet. She knows he’s an abusive sociopath and not a normal
man and yet she’s chosen to continue the relationship.
It’s like being told you’re about to jump off a cliff and choosing to ignore it. People who deliberately jump off a cliff expecting they’ll be the first ones in the cliff’s history to sprout wings and fly are not exactly smart.

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:53

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 13/05/2022 11:20

i agree Op, she is stupid, but unfortunately there is no vaccine for stupid, as proved by some of the comments on this thread.

😂👏🏼

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:57

AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2022 16:30

@Wellyboots12

What is wrong with some people? Over and over on threads we see people posting "You MUST tell them" about abuse, infidelity, criminal convictions, etc etc. But when someone actually DOES it, they get blasted!

Of course you were right to tell her AND to provide proof. And I think I also probably would have thought "Are you stupid or what?" if I saw later posts of them all loved up. But I think 'stupid' isn't really what someone means in this situation, they mean 'willfully blind'. This woman may be a theoretical physicist or a member of Mensa, but she can still be just as blind as the next person when it comes to emotional needs vs what is 'good'.

You've done all you can do. Now the best (and healthiest) thing you can do is block her and him from your SM.

@noborisno

The 'answer' is two-fold.

Those of you with daughters must raise them to be fearless, confident, and independent. They need to be taught that being alone is better than to be wishing they were. That having no man is better than having a bad one. That they can walk away at any time and be received back with "I believe you" and the full support of the family. Too many times a woman's own family will say "for the sake of the children" or "What did you do? He is always so nice to us". My own mother was scandalized at the thought of one of her children being divorced. Thank God for my father and his wisdom. He just said "Tell me what you want me to do".

And those of us with sons need to raise them to respect ALL people, that violence is NEVER the answer, and that their testosterone-excuse-making bullshit will not be tolerated. Not by their mothers, not by their sisters, not by their daughters, not by anyone within their sphere. We need to back our son's wives and girlfriends to the hilt in cases of domestic abuse, not fall back on "He's my son" or "blood is thicker than water". I am lucky in that my two adult sons are good men and I have confidence in their respect for women and their belief in non-violence in any conflict. But if my DiL should come to me, you damn bet I'd listen to her with an open heart AND an open mind.

This is going to be the work of generations. It's changed since I was a young woman in the 70s when there was no such thing as rape within a marriage and most domestic violence was considered the woman's fault and her shame for 'antagonizing' since, you know, 'the menz have tempers'. We're now, what, almost 2 generations from then? We've made progress but we're fighting an uphill battle. And battles are won step by step.

@AcrossthePond55
thats so wise and beautiful

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/05/2022 18:59

NippyWoowoo · 13/05/2022 10:39

Do you think people will tell you YABU?

Well, 21% have 🤷‍♀️

Woolybear · 14/05/2022 18:59

Well done OP for trying to inform this person

Sazzasez · 14/05/2022 19:02

The fact she may not believe you has not much to do with whether or not she’s stupid.

Can you, possibly, think how it might have struck her? You’re starry eyed with a new love, it’s all going well, and suddenly up pops a woman who is a total stranger to you, but a friend of his ex, telling you how terrible he is.

What would YOU think?

I’m sorry: it’s tough to be disbelieved.

But really... why would she take your word for it?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 14/05/2022 19:03

Yes she is stupid, as an adult if she is so easily manipulated then obviously shes now going to be a future victim. Only hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant by him

MolliciousIntent · 14/05/2022 19:13

Sazzasez · 14/05/2022 19:02

The fact she may not believe you has not much to do with whether or not she’s stupid.

Can you, possibly, think how it might have struck her? You’re starry eyed with a new love, it’s all going well, and suddenly up pops a woman who is a total stranger to you, but a friend of his ex, telling you how terrible he is.

What would YOU think?

I’m sorry: it’s tough to be disbelieved.

But really... why would she take your word for it?

She doesn't have to take OPs word for it, she's been shown the media coverage.

LicoricePizza · 14/05/2022 19:15

I get that you’d think some dodgy Ex trying to split them up. But he’s got convictions for DV which the OP sent the woman newspaper articles on & proof that if she looked into them they would stack up. The woman also works on DV so it’s feels doubly worse that she is choosing to ignore these flags. Even if they have come through some random stranger.

Pearshaped20 · 14/05/2022 19:15

Unfortunately she is an adult, professional or not, and is able to make her own decisions. Different story if she was a vulnerable adult or particularly if she has children. Then a call to Social services might be in order as he may have restrictions relating to the welfare of children

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 14/05/2022 19:16

I think OP is angry and frustrated that so many people wouldn't have intervened. Being an abused woman herself, this must be horribly alarming and also was the reality of her situation as no one did intervene when it was OP going through this. So I totally get why OP feels as strongly as she does.

OP if it had been me, I would have done exactly as you did and felt just as gobsmacked that someone would still choose to pursue a relationship with this man.

I do think you've done all you can, and you should block her now so that you're not tempted to keep revisiting. I realise this must be like your own personal hell.