To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

Of course its whether she's stupid, there was plenty of evidence, she didn;t have to take OPS word for it.

Shes a fucking idiot.

You have told her so she has the information to do what she wants with.

yes she is an idiot . I’m assuming she has full mental capacity etc ?
if she has children I would be more worried about informing SS . She clearly has no common sense

And she’s decided not to listen, the op does seem overly invested in her friends exes relationship. You can warn people and they can choose not to listen. Violent men will find new relationships no one can stop that.

I agree with this. OP need to just move on. It really is none of her business what someone chooses to do with that information.

Yes she is stupid, as an adult if she is so easily manipulated then obviously shes now going to be a future victim. Only hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant by him

Wow. You think only stupid people are manipulated by abusers?

Definitely not harsh. Someone goes to the trouble to inform you about a deeply abusive man, and you decide you can simply ignore it. That's the very definition of stupid.

She’s obviously in the loved up phase and has yet to discover the real him. You’ve done your best and now it’s her turn to make a decision. You can do no more.

You've warned her, now leave her to it. I was once that woman. I didn't listen and learned the hard way.

Ironically, it was after pics of a weekend away went online (he posted them) that I was messaged a warning.

It's their honeymoon period and he's on his best behaviour so she's probably thinking 'Oh, he's being different with me.'

I think it’s because she’s coming across as smug and judgmental and a bit of a stalker - and that is taking away from her excellent warning to the stupid woman

Yanbu. She is stupid. It isn’t victim blaming to say so and to feel frustrated that she is ignoring your warning.

How can she continue to fancy a man who’s hit a baby? 🤢

YANBU @Wellyboots12 But the start of a relationship is when abusive men do all their lovebombing to reel the woman in.

Hopefully as soon as he does anything slightly abusive she'll be reminded of the info you gave and bin him.

Either way, you know you've done all you could. xx

I suppose you could contact SS if she has children, as her children are in danger.

There’s another thread somewhere where everyone is calling the man stupid (he is) but no one’s going ‘aw that’s so mean don’t call him stupid’ so people should stop infantilising this grown woman excusing her reckless behaviour for someone she’s dated for two weeks. Stupid is as stupid does.

I don’t know about stupid. It’s completely incomprehensible to me. But as others have said, abusive men can be incredibly manipulative. And they’re often very good at selecting victims who’ll fall for their manipulation.

But you were 110% right to tell her. I am baffled by some of the posts on here. Two women a week are killed by current or former partners? It’s not a ‘mind your own business’ situation. Women DIE because of this kind of man.

You’ve done the right thing in telling her, but unfortunately the woman is an idiot.

You say you are not friends anymore with his ex. I think it's time to stop engaging with anyone in his circle too. Your friend has, you need to do the same.

He sounds awful and a complete narcissist, but unfortunately they can easily turn on the charm and love bomb a potential "supply" until the honeymoon period is over. Then she will start to see cracks in the mask...but by then she will be in too deep and it will be a lot harder to leave. I will say I'm surprised she chose to go ahead with the information you gave her but he must have convinced her he has changed! The smartest people can be fooled when they're all loved up.

You did absolutely the right thing, but it's the old ... You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink addage. You've told her, she thinks she knows best, so you have to move on. Who knows. He may have found redemption & be a changed man. Unlikely. But he may have. This new woman may be just what he needs to be a decent human. Unlikely as well. If she ends up getting abused it was her choice, you gave her the toolkit she needed to make her choice. I worry that she will tell him & he will make you a visit, so look after yourself.

I was going to post about horses and water, but I can see that advice above. You know some people are rescuer types who think they can change people. She will learn and you can do no more. However, if there are children or any vulnerable adults in the household, do report to social services.

The word stalker, by definition, is a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.

Who am I harassing or persecuting with unwanted attention?

I'm convinced some of you have lost the plot, genuinely. I have never met anybody IRL like some of the people on this thread. Absolutely barking mad.

You dared to criticise a woman. Only men can be stupid or wrong on mumsnet (though of course other women who actually POST on mumsnet can be attacked with impunity - the MN 'rules' are somewhat confusing and illogical)

You have hit the nail on the head there.

You've done all you can. She thinks she wouldn't stand for that, meaning she thinks the other women did and so it was their fault because they weren't 'i won't stand for that' like her. Sadly a common way of thinking.

She may be the first woman he's ever been with who he won't go on to beat but I wouldn't bet on it. It's very sad.

Yes, the woman is stupid. If you have fair warning, including irrefutable evidence, early in a relationship, and you still choose to ignore it, you are stupid. This doesn’t mean she won’t deserve help and sympathy when she is abused, but her stupidity in this matter appears to be without question.

This entire thread is how I imagine an episode of Jeremy Kyle to be.

I am very glad I don't live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone.

OP, you obviously had a horrendous time and you did well to extract yourself. But it seems as if you are conflating your experience and the potential experience of someone else who is not actually your concern.

I am also baffled by the idea that there is a universe in which people celebrate "two weeks with this one" on social media. I genuinely can't get my mind round that. It's two weeks since I last went to Waitrose. This fact is not worthy of a Facebook post.

You said upthread that you wish someone had warned you about your abusive ex. If they had done, would you have listened? Or would you have been more grateful if people had quietly been ready to help you when it came to it?

Yes she is stupid. I can’t go along with all these ‘victim blaming’ posts- after two weeks she barely knows him and has been given proof he’s abusive so certainly isn’t a victim to me if she’s choosing to ignore such huge and proven criminal red flags and continue putting herself at huge risk. But you have warned her and done your best so leave it alone now. I just hope to god she doesn’t have kids- if she does I think you need to contact social services.

It is very foolish to ignore the warning signs. I think a lot of the time people think that it won't happen to them, and that they will be the one to rehabilitate and change a person with a long history of questionable behaviour. The sad reality is that eventually he'll probably revert to previous form.