DD being bullied by a riding instructor at horse therapy

[howler21]

I honestly can’t believe this is happening and that an adult is behaving in this way, especially with vulnerable adolescents.

DD13 has depression, undiagnosed ASD (she’s due to be assessed) and severe anxiety. I had to pull her out of school in January and home-educate her. She was being severely bullied and was at the point of being suicidal.

I work very part time (I’m a lunchtime assistant at a primary school, Monday-Friday) and DD gets left for a couple of hours a day. Now she’s out of school she’s no longer self-harming or suicidal and she gets on with her school work fine during this time.

My local authority home education team recommended me some resources and activities to enrich her life and give her something to do, with a view towards confidence building. One of these things is an all day activity Tuesdays and Thursdays at a stables. It was described as ‘horse therapy’ and being great for mental health. DD loves animals so I thought it sounded brilliant and it fit around my work hours. They do riding lessons, horse care, and some study work towards some kind of horse care qualification, and friendship building is encouraged. It really did sound perfect for DD and she actually really wanted to go. There’s about 15 kids in the current cohort, a few are like DD (out of school due to mental health/bullying), some are in care, some have experienced recent bereavement. All are very vulnerable. None of the kids have behavioural issues, I know because I asked (some of the other home-ed activities she’s tried she was with kids who’d been excluded and they caused trouble which made DD anxious). They said they won’t have kids with behavioural issues anyway because it’s a safeguarding issue for them and the horses, it’s only for kids with trauma/confidence issues. I bring this up because it shows that there’s no need for the kids to be shouted at.

DD loved it for the first few sessions but today had a panic attack and refused to go. She revealed that the instructor who does the Thursday sessions (apparently the Tuesday one is lovely) has been picking on her. DD’s ASD make her very matter of fact and she doesn’t lie, she just doesn’t. She was also visibly distressed. Incidents include:

1. They were taught how to take a bridle off the horses and put them away. DD got hers confused and the bridle got all tangled up on the shelf. Instructor yelled “What the hell are you doing to that bridle?????”. Later on DD overhead her talking to another member of staff saying “I don’t know what the fuck x did to this bridle.”

1. They were bringing some ponies in from grazing field into the stables. Instructor told DD to open the gate to let the other kids lead the ponies out. DD struggled to get the gate mechanism open to open (she struggles with fiddly hand things, but can get there with patience). Instructor rolled her eyes and said “fucking hell” under her breath, didn’t help, just stared and watched. DD then panicked and managed to get the gate open but then it swung fully open and the instructor said “Oh nice one yeah, just let all of the horses go free onto the road! Well done!” sarcastically.

1. I was 45 minutes late picking her up one day. It was a complete one off, car trouble and I’d phoned the stables to let them know. There’s a reception to sit in with seating and vending machines, so I assumed DD would just be kept there. Instructor taunted DD repeatedly saying “Well your mum best get here soon because I’m off at 4 and I have to lock the reception so you can’t stay in here.”. This caused DD’s anxiety to skyrocket.

1. Somebody from the family who owns the stables came into the reception when the kids and instructors were there with their baby. Instructor proceed to go over to make a fuss of the baby and some of the girls did too. Baby’s mum was apparently fine with this and was passing baby around to some of the kids and generally encouraging them to pass the baby around themselves. Another girl was about to pass baby to DD and instructor then said “No, you’ve got to give her back!”. I explained to DD that it can be stressful for babies to be passed around like that and maybe it wasn’t personal but DD says the other girls were being encouraged and it was only when she went to have her ‘turn’ with the baby that the instructor went funny. Baby’s mum didn’t appear to have an issue apparently. I’m not sure about this one and whether it really counts as targeted incident but based on the other incidents, I’m suspicious.

1. Yelling at DD during riding lessons and making her do things she doesn’t want to do. DD didn’t want to do a jump and instructor shouted “Oh just get on with it!!!!”. DD ended up having a panic attack on the horse and the instructor did nothing. DD had to get off the horse herself with the instructor yelling at her. Instructor was fuming and told her to go to reception and wait for the others to finish. The woman at reception saw DD come in crying asked what had happened. She was apparently horrified that DD had been made to walk across the premises to reception alone as kids on the programme are meant to be supervised at all times (due to being vulnerable, MAJOR safeguarding issue to have them wandering around alone).

1. One day when I was ill DD’s stepdad took her in his work van. Instructor said to DD “Your stepdad’s work van is an absolute state! Jesus Christ!” and was laughing about it. DD found it weird, and I do too. Completely unnecessary.

I don’t know what to do or who to complain to but I believe DD, she doesn’t lie. Maybe she’s been oversensitive about the baby thing and I’m willing to overlook that but the other incidents I think are just awful
The instructor knows of DD’s diagnosed anxiety and self-esteem issues. I can’t believe an adult is bullying her like this. I’ve met this instructor myself a couple of times and she is in general a very brash, loud personality and tbh hard as nails. I tried not to judge a book by its cover but these incidents have shown she’s not a very nice person. I struggle to believe that she can be in any way qualified for this job. Some of these kids have been through very recent bereavement. I can understand that sometimes when horses are involved an instructor will need to shout to stop a child about to get into a dangerous situation but I don’t feel this applies here.

I am a horsey person. One of the reasons many horsey people are horsey people is because they are not people people, and I think this may be the instance here.

It sounds as though the yard / council have kind of stuck this thing together without delivering the requisite training to those responsible for managing it.

I will be completely honest and say I would have got quite angry about the gate incident, too, but that's why I don't work with vulnerable teenagers - I don't have the temperament for it. This yard manager / instructor may well have been thrown into it by her employers.

Do you have a branch of Riding for the Disabled (RDA) nearby? That may be a more suitable environment for your daughter to volunteer / assist at, as the FT staff will be more likely to have experience of mental health issues and many volunteers may themselves be in a similar position.

She sounds like an absolute bitch and not only would I pull DD out, I wouldn't have any qualms about telling them exactly why I was doing it. I have horses and have had my share of scary instructors over the years, but none were nasty even with the shouting -it was always constructive or safety related.
I'd be interested to know how long she has been riding as they are jumping already? From your post I assumed she was a fairly new rider.

@AngelinaFangelina.

it’s not proper jumps just a kind of slight raised pole on the floor I believe but

It could have been a good opportunity but unfortunately the way this instructor is means it's doing much more harm than good. Don't send her back.

I don’t know what to do or who to complain to

OK - first things first - you pull DD out of the Thursday club immediately.
It's really unfair, but she will still have Tuesdays, & with good management will be able to pick the Thursdays back up later.

You then find out who the owner of the riding stables is, & contact them.
Before you launch in with the facts, open the call by telling them it is "a courtesy call, to give you the heads up about one of your staff, before I take it up with the local authority." Keep it calm, keep it light, eg use words like "unfortunate" & "in need of some customer training" instead of "horrible" or "bullying bitch" - I think you get the gist?
But end the call saying the number of occasions you have documented add up to a nasty case of bullying & you want to work with the owner to resolve it, & preserve her business's good reputation.

Next, a call to the LA to find out who is best placed to handle your concerns & deal with your complaint. Follow up with an email detailing the points you made above. Keep it factual & unemotional - you don't want this dismissed as an over-protective mum being irrational.
cc: the riding stables owner on the email - referencing that you had already spoken to them as a matter of courtesy & are now keeping them informed.

The Thursday instructor is an out & out bully. But tread carefully with the stables owner when you speak with them in the first instance - you don't know what the relationship is between Bully & the owner, so be careful of raising any potentially defensive hackles.
The good news is that yard owners are generally over-subscribed with keen horsey teens & young adults who want to work there. So the best outcome for you could happen - she is dismissed.
If not - & you must be prepared for this, as anything you say can be viewed as 'hearsay' ie third party knowledge only, & that from a child - the least you can expect is that Bully will be reprimanded & told to behave with more civility.
Of course there is a risk that this could backfire & she will just find more subtle ways to bully DD - but nothing ventured, nothing gained, & I admire you for wanting to deal with it directly.
It would be great if DD can continue being able to attend both days each week, & desperately unfair for her to lose half her days of a confidence boosting & character building activity because of one spiteful & immature adult.

Good luck OP - I was a yard girl as a kid - bullies are everywhere of course, but there is are Certain Types in the horsey world ... keep us posted!

So only a short time? She shouldn't be being pushed into doing things she isn't ready for. It's dangerous. I don't teach jumping until I have a confident flatwork rider who has control and can ride competently and happily in three paces. It's not a race.
I'd pull her out and find another yard if she is interested in carrying on.

You can't swear at teenagers, I'd find out who was the manager or boss of this organisation and put a complaint in. Are you paying for this?

I'd put the points as described, and request a meeting with the owner to look at options and to find out what next steps are. You can't keep sending her there on Thursdays.

I will be completely honest and say I would have got quite angry about the gate incident, too, but that's why I don't work with vulnerable teenagers -

I will be completely honest & say only a fool would instruct a 13 year old - esp. a vulnerable one - to work a gate that opens directly onto a road without previous instruction, including close supervision of their understanding of how the latch works, what a big gate feels like in action, & how to safely open & close around horses/livestock on either side of the gate.

The instructor set DD up to fail here.
And we all know how very much harder even a simple task can feel, when we are being observed by someone who has made their dislike of us plain.

I agree with a lot of horsey people not being people people let alone good with vulnerable people.

one of the reasons ds (also has ASD) stopped riding lessons was because the instructors are quite impatient. Doesn’t sound like this is a well organised set up done specially for therapy to be honest.

I would complain loudly though being sworn and shouted at is not acceptable

Your poor dd. I think you need to tell them she's not coming back and exactly why. Even if they try and justify that a harsh attitude is necessary for health & safety (I've witnessed this at dds lessons) the swearing and personal remarks are totally unacceptable.

It sounds like this person isn't very patient at all and perhaps shouldn't be involved with teaching vulnerable children as they are treating them like they are the usual horsey 13 year olds and not taking into account any special measures.

Unfortunately being around horses is dangerous, and involves handling expensive equipment. It seems like this person (at least in incidents 1 & 2 ) was not cutting any slack - but can't you see that not managing a gate safely is a problem?

Incident #3 - Was it really taunting? Or was it matter of fact frustration that this person who was only likely being paid until 4pm, had other jobs to do on the yard probably and could not leave your child sat in the unlocked reception area was waiting around for you? I mean you yourself say "She was apparently horrified that DD had been made to walk across the premises to reception alone as kids on the programme are meant to be supervised at all times (due to being vulnerable, MAJOR safeguarding)" Either it's ok for them to be left alone.. or not?

All you can do is approach the riding centre and say that her relationship has broken down with the Thursday instructor, but can she continue on a Tuesday.

How to proceed depends on who this woman is. If she’s just a casual hire and had a boss you can complain to, do that. If she’s best buddies with the owners then perhaps all you can do is leave.

Given how hard it can be to find daytime weekday activities for home ed kids, I’d make a fuss before quitting. I’d write to the stables owner cc reception and whoever else you can think of - possibly also local council? - to state what you have said here, plus that your daughter is highly vulnerable with mental health conditions, that to have an adult bullying her and swearing at her and failing to supervise her is completely unacceptable and can you please have details of their safeguarding and complaints policy so you can make a formal complaint.

This sounds suspiciously like the local stables to me. Have a look at google reviews and you might well find some disgruntled customers with similar complaints. My friend’s DD volunteers there and stopped going for a while because she was shouted at. PM me if you like. Meanwhile, pull your DD out of Thursdays, but don’t expect much from management if you complain… if it’s the same place.

I'd address this with the stables, that instructor is bullying your DD and she sounds like she knows it.

You cannot tangle a bridle massively just by hanging it up, and even if it gets tangled, you'd undo max 2 buckles and do them up again, it takes a minute. No need for drama.

If you think horses are at risk of bolting out of a field through an open gate, you risk assess the situation and don't allow a struggling child to handle the gate. Honestly, how stupid can you get? Complete failure by the adult in this situation if any loose horses were jostling to get out of the gate while your child was trying to open it. And if no horses were loose and jostling, no need for snarky comments.

As for the other instances, it sounds like the instructor has taken a dislike to your DD for some reason and is bullying her deliberately. Go have words, stick up for your child and feel good about it.

Just raised poles feels very high when you have to get over them on a horse.
(But even if they didn’t that should be fine for her to not do them.)

It’s obviously not going to help her as it is, so don’t let her have another class with that woman and then consider who to complain to.

THIS.

Some instructors are the encouragement type some command type, wrong instructor, is horse riding really the recreation you daughter should be doing. It’s safety critical and rules have to be followed, something more easy going would be better I would have thought.

Sorry, that message above should have "THIS" underneath it!

"I am a horsey person. One of the reasons many horsey people are horsey people is because they are not people people, and I think this may be the instance here".

Oh, in that case it's fine to pick on children. I'm sure OPs daughter will feel better to know that this horrible bitch is just a horsey person. 🙄

I agree with a lot of horsey people not being people people let alone good with vulnerable people

As much as I hate to generalise, I also agree with this. You need to feed back to the staff who referred you that the instructor is not suited to working with this client group, and should not continue to do so.

@pantjog.

Does it begin with a C

I think you should look into a yard that is working with Riding for the Disabled Association - they are much more likely to have specialist training on how to work with people with vulnerabilities and disabilities.

This yard sounds like they haven't invested in any special training or considered the personalities involved when assigning someone to the Thursday shift.

OP. No. Sounds like there are a few dodgy stables about.

I hate seeing all the people excusing this behaviour, there is a huge difference between being a strict instructor and being a flat out horrible person?? I hope your DD is ok OP, no one should ever be talked to or treated like that, let alone a vulnerable child xxx

As I started reading it I thought “she’s a horsey person”
i think they forget not everyone has been around horses from birth.
she sounds a very bad fit for anxious teens. You can see if there’s a different instructor or see if there’s somewhere else offering similar with animals.