DD being bullied by a riding instructor at horse therapy

[howler21]

I honestly can’t believe this is happening and that an adult is behaving in this way, especially with vulnerable adolescents.

DD13 has depression, undiagnosed ASD (she’s due to be assessed) and severe anxiety. I had to pull her out of school in January and home-educate her. She was being severely bullied and was at the point of being suicidal.

I work very part time (I’m a lunchtime assistant at a primary school, Monday-Friday) and DD gets left for a couple of hours a day. Now she’s out of school she’s no longer self-harming or suicidal and she gets on with her school work fine during this time.

My local authority home education team recommended me some resources and activities to enrich her life and give her something to do, with a view towards confidence building. One of these things is an all day activity Tuesdays and Thursdays at a stables. It was described as ‘horse therapy’ and being great for mental health. DD loves animals so I thought it sounded brilliant and it fit around my work hours. They do riding lessons, horse care, and some study work towards some kind of horse care qualification, and friendship building is encouraged. It really did sound perfect for DD and she actually really wanted to go. There’s about 15 kids in the current cohort, a few are like DD (out of school due to mental health/bullying), some are in care, some have experienced recent bereavement. All are very vulnerable. None of the kids have behavioural issues, I know because I asked (some of the other home-ed activities she’s tried she was with kids who’d been excluded and they caused trouble which made DD anxious). They said they won’t have kids with behavioural issues anyway because it’s a safeguarding issue for them and the horses, it’s only for kids with trauma/confidence issues. I bring this up because it shows that there’s no need for the kids to be shouted at.

DD loved it for the first few sessions but today had a panic attack and refused to go. She revealed that the instructor who does the Thursday sessions (apparently the Tuesday one is lovely) has been picking on her. DD’s ASD make her very matter of fact and she doesn’t lie, she just doesn’t. She was also visibly distressed. Incidents include:

1. They were taught how to take a bridle off the horses and put them away. DD got hers confused and the bridle got all tangled up on the shelf. Instructor yelled “What the hell are you doing to that bridle?????”. Later on DD overhead her talking to another member of staff saying “I don’t know what the fuck x did to this bridle.”

1. They were bringing some ponies in from grazing field into the stables. Instructor told DD to open the gate to let the other kids lead the ponies out. DD struggled to get the gate mechanism open to open (she struggles with fiddly hand things, but can get there with patience). Instructor rolled her eyes and said “fucking hell” under her breath, didn’t help, just stared and watched. DD then panicked and managed to get the gate open but then it swung fully open and the instructor said “Oh nice one yeah, just let all of the horses go free onto the road! Well done!” sarcastically.

1. I was 45 minutes late picking her up one day. It was a complete one off, car trouble and I’d phoned the stables to let them know. There’s a reception to sit in with seating and vending machines, so I assumed DD would just be kept there. Instructor taunted DD repeatedly saying “Well your mum best get here soon because I’m off at 4 and I have to lock the reception so you can’t stay in here.”. This caused DD’s anxiety to skyrocket.

1. Somebody from the family who owns the stables came into the reception when the kids and instructors were there with their baby. Instructor proceed to go over to make a fuss of the baby and some of the girls did too. Baby’s mum was apparently fine with this and was passing baby around to some of the kids and generally encouraging them to pass the baby around themselves. Another girl was about to pass baby to DD and instructor then said “No, you’ve got to give her back!”. I explained to DD that it can be stressful for babies to be passed around like that and maybe it wasn’t personal but DD says the other girls were being encouraged and it was only when she went to have her ‘turn’ with the baby that the instructor went funny. Baby’s mum didn’t appear to have an issue apparently. I’m not sure about this one and whether it really counts as targeted incident but based on the other incidents, I’m suspicious.

1. Yelling at DD during riding lessons and making her do things she doesn’t want to do. DD didn’t want to do a jump and instructor shouted “Oh just get on with it!!!!”. DD ended up having a panic attack on the horse and the instructor did nothing. DD had to get off the horse herself with the instructor yelling at her. Instructor was fuming and told her to go to reception and wait for the others to finish. The woman at reception saw DD come in crying asked what had happened. She was apparently horrified that DD had been made to walk across the premises to reception alone as kids on the programme are meant to be supervised at all times (due to being vulnerable, MAJOR safeguarding issue to have them wandering around alone).

1. One day when I was ill DD’s stepdad took her in his work van. Instructor said to DD “Your stepdad’s work van is an absolute state! Jesus Christ!” and was laughing about it. DD found it weird, and I do too. Completely unnecessary.

I don’t know what to do or who to complain to but I believe DD, she doesn’t lie. Maybe she’s been oversensitive about the baby thing and I’m willing to overlook that but the other incidents I think are just awful
The instructor knows of DD’s diagnosed anxiety and self-esteem issues. I can’t believe an adult is bullying her like this. I’ve met this instructor myself a couple of times and she is in general a very brash, loud personality and tbh hard as nails. I tried not to judge a book by its cover but these incidents have shown she’s not a very nice person. I struggle to believe that she can be in any way qualified for this job. Some of these kids have been through very recent bereavement. I can understand that sometimes when horses are involved an instructor will need to shout to stop a child about to get into a dangerous situation but I don’t feel this applies here.

*I am a horsey person. One of the reasons many horsey people are horsey people is because they are not people people, and I think this may be the instance here

no excuse for bullying. Ever.

if she really can’t be around people without bullying, belittling and being downright nasty she should find a job where she can crack on with taking care of the animals without any human interaction.

oh and I am a horsey person. I find those that are shitty to people are often shitty to the horses too. The kind of person that thinks force, fear and “showing who’s boss” is the way to go.

i am “not good with people” but I can still be nice, show how they should put a bridle together without swearing or making a child feel
like shit, understand that people need to learn, and that scaring people won’t help them learn.

it’s not that they’re not a people
person. It’s they’re a shit human being. Stop excusing.

i’d complain o/p. This person shouldn’t be around children.

I would second the idea of looking for a Riding for the Disabled group. I have volunteered at a group for nearly 20 years and the only time I have heard a raised voice was when a child escaped their carer's grasp and nearly ran into a pony's hind legs.

We take physically and mentally disadvantaged, including autism, and have had many somewhat challenging children over the years and I have never seen anyone treated with anything but kindness. I ride at the same stables and we have had a few of the more able children transfer to the mainstream school once they have gained some confidence and a rudimentary knowledge of what they are supposed to be doing.

I would second the idea of looking for a Riding for the Disabled group. I have volunteered at a group for nearly 20 years and the only time I have heard a raised voice was when a child escaped their carer's grasp and nearly ran into a pony's hind legs.

We take physically and mentally disadvantaged, including autism, and have had many somewhat challenging children over the years and I have never seen anyone treated with anything but kindness. I ride at the same stables and we have had a few of the more able children transfer to the mainstream school once they have gained some confidence and a rudimentary knowledge of what they are supposed to be doing.

I don't know what kind of "horsey" people some of the posters above hang around with, but thank fuck I've never met any of those types in the horse world. Being "horsey" is not excuse to be a twat. None of the issues sound safety related - they sound like this women is a nasty piece of work. I'm so sorry your DD is being subjected to this

I don't think they should be instructing any children. What a nasty bully. I used to have lessons when I first got a pony, the instructor used to keep me on a lunge and consistently shout at me. I nearly gave up. The first lesson I had with a lovely instructor I progressed massively. I hope you get this sorted.

Being a horsey person doesn’t make you be rude about family members cars, or any of the other rude and unpleasant behaviours. It honestly doesn’t matter what the issues are though, Dd has had two panic attacks as a result of going and that’s not going to help her regain her equilibrium. I’d keep Tuesdays and stop Thursdays and explain that she finds Thursdays really challenging. One of the things that helps an anxious child is feeling heard and supported. Be her champion and find her happy life.

I realise this is not your AIBU, and there is absolutely no doubt that this is the wrong riding school for your DD, but have you considered somewhere with alpacas for your DD to spend time with? If there are any in your area of course.

I feel like horses are always the go to for animal based therapy, but alpacas are so calm to be around (though obviously they can’t be ridden!)

I hope you find a nicer place for your DD.

bear in mind that if you complain about the thursday person, the yard may decide not to have your daughter on tuesday either.
can you find somewhere/thing else ?

If they do, that is further grounds for complaint to the local authority, with whom the yard has contracted to provide a competently staffed service.

One of my family members is disabled and has been involved with similar disabled riding charities for nearly 20 years. There is definitely a "type" of horse instructor/stable yard manager that crops up again and again and sounds just like this. loud, rude, angry(!). often called Jackie (no offence to any Jackies). They think they're being "forthright" and often because of the inherent danger of horses I think they believe they have to be like this to keep control of the situation. one at the moment gets all the disabled adults together for a "meeting" once a week just to shout at them about all the stuff they're doing wrong. Disabled vulnerable adults! It's nuts.

It won't be personal to your DD, I think it will be her general manner. But whereas with some this kind of thing Is water off a ducks back, with your DD due to her vulnerabilities probably lacks the resilience to do that? Which in that case I do think you have to complain.

they are treating them like they are the usual horsey 13 year olds and not taking into account any special measures.

There isn’t any excuse to treat ANY thirteen year old this way! Being strict is one thing, this woman is way beyond that, she is a bully.

Horsey people tend to be a bit like that, strange bunch… however this person obviously isn’t suited to the job.
You need to write it all down and speak to whoever organised it. She most definitely shouldn’t be swearing.
I would suggest you remove her on Thursdays until they can arrange another instructor.

If you think horses are at risk of bolting out of a field through an open gate, you risk assess the situation and don't allow a struggling child to handle the gate. Honestly, how stupid can you get?

Riding instructor set this child up to fail and enjoyed righteously bullying her after. He's probably done this before.

OP, the situation is unacceptable, you must take your dd out of sessions with nasty bully person and complain about them.

A pp who says horsey people are not people people, well, any kind of people, should have the common decency not to mock, humiliate and confuse a young child, especially one who has ASD. I am so angry on your behalf @howler21

The thing is though, the instructor should have seen DD struggling with the gate and stepped in and done it for her. She often struggles with gates/keys/buckles that kind of thing, she’s also being assessed for dyspraxia. Riding school weren’t aware of this admittedly but I think after around a minute of seeing a SEN child struggle to open a gate you step in and help. You don’t stand there watching with all of the other kids swearing and making sarcastic comments.

The instructor’s failure to step in then lead to the gate swinging open, DD was in a panic to get the gate open and so didn’t do it safely.

I agree the instructor sound a nasty bully and you've had good advice about next steps. just one thing to add - you say the instructor is aware of your DD needs - are you sure? Not that not knowing excuses bullying behaviour. I've taught adults with special needs and we're were not told their diagnoses, and needs, even the presence of epilepsy.

Totally agree - drop Thursday like a hot potato and tell them why

I've worked at animal santuaries all my life, many had young people including vulnerable children working there. I am definitely prefer to be around animals but never EVER did I shout at any of them or belittle them. She shouldn't be shouting around animals anyway only in an emergency to stop someone or an animal being hurt. I'm familiar with most gate mechanisms but there's a bridleway one near me that I only open by accident, still after five years can't figure out how it effin works.
Having been a nervous shy child myself I really feel for your daughter please take her out of that place and report the sadist bitch.

I feel so sorry for your DD, the instructor sounds utterly horrible. Is it just your daughter that is singled out, or does she act similarly with the others? Is there any chance your DD can continue with the Tuesday session, and skip the Thursday one, or swap it for another day when it's not this instructor doing it?

DD said when she was stood there struggling with the gate and had the instructor and the other kids stood watching her it made her want to die (and she means this literally due to her ASD, not in a flippant “God I wanted to die!” way), especially when the instructor was rolling her eyes and swearing

@Snoken.

According to DD it is just her but that may be the anxiety talking, regardless the instructor is horrible either way (I know you’re not implying otherwise).

It sounds like a stables near me, my friends 13 year old Dd was severely bullied there. Shockingly there must be a few around as it doesn't begin with C.

I don’t know why but some women who work around horses turn into complete bitches . When I was a teenager I wanted to volunteer at stables but the other girls were vile . I had to try a few different places but most were all up themselves just because they owned / worked with horses .

The stables should have a safeguarding person. You need to inform them by email (so there's no ignoring it) as well as the local authority, as they would want to know if they're directing vulnerable children towards being abused.

And she was also particularly upset that every other girl got a cuddle with the baby except her. As I said, I keep explaining to her that it probably wasn’t personal and maybe the baby just wanted to go back to mum but DD insists every other girl who went over (I think only half of the cohort were interested) got a turn and baby wasn’t crying, but instructor (not baby’s mum) stepped in when another girl was about to pass the baby to her.

I can’t think of any reason whatever that DD would be considered to be more unsafe to have the baby than any of the other kids. She’s the most gentle, docile girl. They were supervised by instructor and baby’s mum at all times. So either DD is being oversensitive and it wasn’t personal or the instructor does have an issue with DD in particular and took opportunity to bully DD.

It’s just constant digs to make her feel absolutely terrible about herself.

Not helping her with the gate, waiting for her to fail so she should be sarcastic. Encouraging other girls hold the owners baby but losing her shit when DD was going to. Bitching about how DD put the bridle away without being show how prior. Bitching about the state of her stepdad’s van.

It is so weird.

In the first instance I'd take up with whoever arranged the placement - the home education team?