DD being bullied by a riding instructor at horse therapy

[howler21]

I honestly can’t believe this is happening and that an adult is behaving in this way, especially with vulnerable adolescents.

DD13 has depression, undiagnosed ASD (she’s due to be assessed) and severe anxiety. I had to pull her out of school in January and home-educate her. She was being severely bullied and was at the point of being suicidal.

I work very part time (I’m a lunchtime assistant at a primary school, Monday-Friday) and DD gets left for a couple of hours a day. Now she’s out of school she’s no longer self-harming or suicidal and she gets on with her school work fine during this time.

My local authority home education team recommended me some resources and activities to enrich her life and give her something to do, with a view towards confidence building. One of these things is an all day activity Tuesdays and Thursdays at a stables. It was described as ‘horse therapy’ and being great for mental health. DD loves animals so I thought it sounded brilliant and it fit around my work hours. They do riding lessons, horse care, and some study work towards some kind of horse care qualification, and friendship building is encouraged. It really did sound perfect for DD and she actually really wanted to go. There’s about 15 kids in the current cohort, a few are like DD (out of school due to mental health/bullying), some are in care, some have experienced recent bereavement. All are very vulnerable. None of the kids have behavioural issues, I know because I asked (some of the other home-ed activities she’s tried she was with kids who’d been excluded and they caused trouble which made DD anxious). They said they won’t have kids with behavioural issues anyway because it’s a safeguarding issue for them and the horses, it’s only for kids with trauma/confidence issues. I bring this up because it shows that there’s no need for the kids to be shouted at.

DD loved it for the first few sessions but today had a panic attack and refused to go. She revealed that the instructor who does the Thursday sessions (apparently the Tuesday one is lovely) has been picking on her. DD’s ASD make her very matter of fact and she doesn’t lie, she just doesn’t. She was also visibly distressed. Incidents include:

1. They were taught how to take a bridle off the horses and put them away. DD got hers confused and the bridle got all tangled up on the shelf. Instructor yelled “What the hell are you doing to that bridle?????”. Later on DD overhead her talking to another member of staff saying “I don’t know what the fuck x did to this bridle.”

1. They were bringing some ponies in from grazing field into the stables. Instructor told DD to open the gate to let the other kids lead the ponies out. DD struggled to get the gate mechanism open to open (she struggles with fiddly hand things, but can get there with patience). Instructor rolled her eyes and said “fucking hell” under her breath, didn’t help, just stared and watched. DD then panicked and managed to get the gate open but then it swung fully open and the instructor said “Oh nice one yeah, just let all of the horses go free onto the road! Well done!” sarcastically.

1. I was 45 minutes late picking her up one day. It was a complete one off, car trouble and I’d phoned the stables to let them know. There’s a reception to sit in with seating and vending machines, so I assumed DD would just be kept there. Instructor taunted DD repeatedly saying “Well your mum best get here soon because I’m off at 4 and I have to lock the reception so you can’t stay in here.”. This caused DD’s anxiety to skyrocket.

1. Somebody from the family who owns the stables came into the reception when the kids and instructors were there with their baby. Instructor proceed to go over to make a fuss of the baby and some of the girls did too. Baby’s mum was apparently fine with this and was passing baby around to some of the kids and generally encouraging them to pass the baby around themselves. Another girl was about to pass baby to DD and instructor then said “No, you’ve got to give her back!”. I explained to DD that it can be stressful for babies to be passed around like that and maybe it wasn’t personal but DD says the other girls were being encouraged and it was only when she went to have her ‘turn’ with the baby that the instructor went funny. Baby’s mum didn’t appear to have an issue apparently. I’m not sure about this one and whether it really counts as targeted incident but based on the other incidents, I’m suspicious.

1. Yelling at DD during riding lessons and making her do things she doesn’t want to do. DD didn’t want to do a jump and instructor shouted “Oh just get on with it!!!!”. DD ended up having a panic attack on the horse and the instructor did nothing. DD had to get off the horse herself with the instructor yelling at her. Instructor was fuming and told her to go to reception and wait for the others to finish. The woman at reception saw DD come in crying asked what had happened. She was apparently horrified that DD had been made to walk across the premises to reception alone as kids on the programme are meant to be supervised at all times (due to being vulnerable, MAJOR safeguarding issue to have them wandering around alone).

1. One day when I was ill DD’s stepdad took her in his work van. Instructor said to DD “Your stepdad’s work van is an absolute state! Jesus Christ!” and was laughing about it. DD found it weird, and I do too. Completely unnecessary.

I don’t know what to do or who to complain to but I believe DD, she doesn’t lie. Maybe she’s been oversensitive about the baby thing and I’m willing to overlook that but the other incidents I think are just awful
The instructor knows of DD’s diagnosed anxiety and self-esteem issues. I can’t believe an adult is bullying her like this. I’ve met this instructor myself a couple of times and she is in general a very brash, loud personality and tbh hard as nails. I tried not to judge a book by its cover but these incidents have shown she’s not a very nice person. I struggle to believe that she can be in any way qualified for this job. Some of these kids have been through very recent bereavement. I can understand that sometimes when horses are involved an instructor will need to shout to stop a child about to get into a dangerous situation but I don’t feel this applies here.

Ok but to be fair, unless the Tues instructor is also the programme lead/ yard owner then she isn't really the one to complain to here as she wouldn't really be able to do anything. Did you also complain to the LA? M

I know this has been hard for you. However, you say you haven't got the energy to fight this but unless you have contacted the LA or yard owner (I suggest the LA first) and drawn a blank too, then with kindness, you haven't really taken any action. Yes the Tues instructor is better with the kids but this could just be down to her nature, she might not actually be any better trained or have any higher authority than Caitlyn.

One of the reasons many horsey people are horsey people is because they are not people people, and I think this may be the instance here.

When you are teaching vulnerable kids you need to be a people person!

Well that’s just how Caitlyn is. You just get used to her.”

i think the thing that really annoys me is yet again it’s that narrative that we have to put up with being treated badly rather than address the issue.

he’s only mean to you because he likes you.
if people are teasing you for your hair/clothes, change it.
he only hits me because he loves me

we should be addressing the bullies and abusers, not the victims.

I work in a similar programme to this and would face dismissal if I behaved like this. However, I in work at a recognised educational establishment so staff have to complete various courses/training for working with vulnerable students, in addition to DBS check. I would like to think that any establishment providing this sort programme would be subject to the same rules, but this may not be so.

I see that the LA is funding your child, so experience tells me that you are not 'home educating' through choice but rather because your child's MH has led to her becoming, or in danger of becoming, a total school refuser. If this is the case the ultimate aim of the stable programme will be to help her return to some sort mainstream education. These programmes work and are very rewarding to be part of, but they need to be done properly. In formal education working with SEN students is a career choice. I doubt this is the case at the stables. The LA have no involvement in staffing at what is first and foremost a business and will only know of failings if they are told. You need to write/email the safeguarding person at the LA attached to the programme. There should be someone at the stables who liases with the LA and who has overall control of their side of the programme. Contact this person outlining your concerns and let them know that you have raised your concerns with the LA. Write separately: tell the LA all you have stated here, but keep the stable communication more vague, a request to discuss some concerns will suffice. I would write a formal letter (keep copies), not an email, as in my experience, a paper trail will usually generate a better response.

Lastly do you have social worker or someone else assigned to your DD? If so you should speak to them. In the programme I am part of, students' social workers make regular minimum notice/unannounced visits and talk to students alone. I would hope this would apply to a private programme as well.

So update for anybody interested. I ended up speaking to the nice Tuesday instructor who got in touch to ask what was wrong and offered support in getting DD there when I told them DD would no longer be attending the Thursday sessions.
So ... despite your vulnerable child being serially bullied, you did not contact the yard owner, or the LA? Or even address the bully instructor directly?
In fact you didn't contact anyone - just inadvertently punished DD by passive-aggressively removing her from the class she loved - but the nice Tuesday instructor noticed DD's absence, & contacted YOU?

I was very honest and just told her about all of the incdients. Her reaction was exactly what I expected “Well that’s just how Caitlyn is. You just get used to her.” I felt this was completely unacceptable.
If you were expecting this blase reaction, why had you not ensured that nobody would be able to brush you off like this, by having a 'script' & a back-up plan of action cobbled together from pages of PP advice?
Yes - that reaction is totally unacceptable. It miust have been dismaying to hear. But I would have thought it would galvanised you into protective rage mode, & prompted further action to defend & advocate for your DD.

I don’t have the energy to fight it really. DD is just going to continue with the Tuesday sessions.
Wow. So DD is going to miss out on 50% of an activity she loves, & be taught the lesson that when you are bullied, the answer is to run away, & that her mother will allow her to run away, but won't fight her corner?

I hope that update was just your disappointed exhaustion talking, & you are going to take Frami's excellent advice. DD deserves better than this. As PP observed upthread - there is FAR more to learn from these sessions, & this incident, than bridles, gates, & horses.

Apologies for the robust speech OP. But this is kind of a watershed moment for DD, & you as well if you just decide to step up for it.

So true. Caitilyn is not being nice here and they are making excuses for her. The stables need to be more inclusive and compassionate and be very understanding of people's neuro divergence. I had a horrendous experience of a cold bitch tennis teacher at school and it was very unpleasant.

Sounds like a bitchy instructor I knew when I was a kid. Decided she hated me and would constantly berate me. Sad cow couldn't ride well herself, least I was trying to learn, she thought she knew everything already. Probably the same woman and just moved around.

It is bullying. Shouting and swearing at a child is totally unaceptable

You've described your daughter as having been systematically bullied by an instructor, but have decided not to speak to the instructor, yard owner or Local Authority as you don't have the 'fight' in you?
Cool...

ZOMBIE thread...

Some equestrians are disgusting. The horse world is full of them, it can be quite nasty and bitchy. It's never changed since I started riding over 30 years ago.
I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it though. Can you be there when they ride for the lesson and sit watch from the gallery? It could possibly make the instructor realise that you know?
That's if you don't want to make a fuss though. I would definitely make a fuss. The instructor is there to ensure everything runs as smoothly as can be. Obviously horses have their own minds but everything 'peopley', like opening gates etc should be managed by the instructor. She is not only responsible for the horses but clients too, including your daughter.
Is she the instructor or a 'helper'? I remember some of the helpers being absolutely vile when I was at riding schools.
Is there an RDA school near you?

Definitely agree! Find an RDA group and i think you have a very different experience. Horse therapy, supervised volunteering (for participants with additional needs ) and riding will be available. I really hope your daughter gets to enjoy horses with nicer people! Good luck.

Similar experience. New instructor of 6 weeks seems to target 12 year old with asd and anxiety to the point where he got off horse in lessons in tears and walked out along with another student. More to it than just this but Proprietor is saying the instructor wants an apology otherwise they won’t be allowed back. Not a chance. Allegedly the instructor works with neurodivergent young people every day in a school.

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♂️🧟🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

Speak to the council home education team manager.
Also, do you think DD might benefit from a Dyspraxia assessment?