To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

Check out Tamba's website for stories of twin parenthood. It's very informative and eye-opening as to the amount of work involved.

My advice would be assess how strong and committed you are as a couple. Promises to be 50-50 fall by the wayside once the reality of not sleeping for weeks hits. Nearly a third of relationships end up in divorce in the first two years.
mensdivorce.com/twins-divorce/

If you can get past that and are prepared to work harder than you ever thought possible, go for it. Twins are amazing and not all end up in NICU. We made it to 37 weeks (which is now the NICE guidelines) and they were fine.

One more thing: you will not be able to WFH around babies or toddlers. They will know you are around and will not want nannies. It's very very difficult to make it work and not feel destroyed emotionally.

But plenty of people manage. If you both love the idea, you can make it work.

I’m head of technical automation marketing for a large company (in the FTSE10) I cover the EMEA region and soon will take over the US which will be a promotion of sorts (larger market)

as long as my work is done no one cares when I’m online, what I do and when I do it, it’s a niche area at the moment so definitely progression opportunities and get approached for jobs regularly so no worries if I were to lose this role for whatever reason.

DH earns a chunk more than me but in a much more stressful role so definitely glad for my job tbh

Hi OP.

I can't speak on the twin thing specifically but my DD was born 32/40 and had a NICU stay of almost 5 weeks.

During that time we saw 3 sets of twins come in, all varying degrees of ill. I know you say you are aware the risks with multiples are higher but I'm not sure you quite understand how challenging a premature baby or a NICU stay can be? It massively increases the chances of long term issues, developmental delays, issues with sight and hearing and cardiac problems to start.

But also from a parents perspective there is nothing more heartbreaking than not holding your baby for days after birth, watching them being resuscitated or canulated when they are barely the size of your hand. I'm not trying to ve morbid and for most the stats for leaving the nicu with a healthy baby are good but they aren't a guarantee.

I totally understand the head vs heart and logistical side of what you are thinking, I guess I'm just saying don't dismiss the risks as they are very real.

Wishing you all the best and hope for a successful transfer for you!

I had twins naturally and disnt really find it to be very hard. No harder than the surprise wee sister that came later.

And I was an ancient mother , so you would think that I would have struggled but it was fine. You get into the way of it and just get on with it.

Twin pregnancies are higher risk as you know, have you thought about how you would cope practically with a disabled child, access and equipment and the knowledge that this was a deliberate choice. The specialness of having twins is very tempting but over the years I have seen the hard practicality of them and my long term longing for them has changed to a realists view of how hard it is. I would go with 1 if I was you tbh.

Which is a definite concern!

You're incredibly lucky then. I gave birth at the same time as 7 NCT friends and they have all had the same issues. One ended up giving up work.

I had twin cousins who were born prematurely and both died.

Currently pregnant with an IVF baby and can’t imagine why you would want the increased risk of multiples, especially if your fertility is so great.

There’s a lady on the infertility board who had two transferred, one split so she was carrying triplets. Only one is healthy and I believe she’s lost the other two. IVF is stressful, I can’t imagine the extra turmoil of losing babies too.

Does anyone fully understand how challenging something so awful would be until they are going through it?

I am sure I am coming at this from a silly angle, crazy in fact, but it’s hard when you have 0 real world experience to base your views on, which is why your comment and others like it are so valuable as it helps ground everything.

Twins have a 50% chance of being pre term (pre 37 weeks). Go and visit your local SCBU if you can. That might help you decide whether the risk is 'worth it'

I'm pregnant through IVF. I personally think its irresponsible to put back more than 1 embryo at a time - a multiple pregnancy puts you and the fetuses at increased risk. Putting back 2 embryos could lead to a lot more than twins. I can't see impatience to get pregnant (which I completely understand) as a good justification.

Please don’t randomly show up at SCBU because you are thinking of TTC twins 😐that’s bonkers. I’m sure you can imagine what very poorly babies look like, no parent wants you glaring at theirs! I totally agree so the the posters point other than that though.

As per my username I have two sets of twins DCDA naturally conceived. My mum also helps out and they are now 3 years old and 8 months old respectively. I also have singletons and both DH and I work. It is challenging but we make it work. Both pregnancies were stressful and I went off on maternity at 35 weeks delivered at 37+1. Twins are hard work but it can be done. Only you and your DH can decide what works for you. I wish you success and happiness whatever you decide.

I think you are the exception to the rule.
I wish you luck and hope you get it all and benefit from all you have and may have in the future with happy well balanced children/child.

Every first pregnancy scan I have had, once heartbeat is there and it’s confirmed the baby is healthy, I ask to confirm it’s not twins. It looks like an absolute fucking nightmare and I don’t know how parents of twins do it

I could have written this… and then I had twins.

I will always be grateful for my mother and then my MIL moving with us for 3 months in total when ours were born.
Usually, we really don’t like having visitors, even family … but for one time in my life, honestly, it wasn’t even bothering me that they were there, no time to think about anything else than keeping two newborns alive. It sounds so cheesy but I’ll always be grateful for what they did for us.

Sorry, that was long. OP, having twins is amazing, but the first year is brutal. Your couple needs to be super strong. I'm so glad I have twins, but
I have regretted on a number of occasions implanting 2 embryos.

I have twins conceived naturally, I love it but it does certainly have its challenges and those challenges are definitely not to be underestimated. My twins are my 4th & 5th children and I think that is a large part of why I don’t struggle as much as I might otherwise, I’m relaxed know what to expect BUT I still I think OMG having 2 at once is just not even in the same realm of having a singleton, it’s hard! I genuinely think I may have crumbled into a heap had they been my first babies.

Twin pregnancy is also hard, I had a few bleeds, and a particularly alarming big one where I was sure I had lost them. I didn’t relax the whole pregnancy and didn’t buy a single baby item until after 30 weeks, the big stuff I didn’t buy until after they were born. I breezed through my singleton pregnancies, but my twin pregnancy exhausted me right from the very start, I was anaemic throughout and the last few weeks I could have cried every day with how uncomfortable and painful it was. I literally counted down the days/hours/minutes until my C-Section, and that’s another thing to consider…..a natural birth is not out of the question but a section is much more likely for a whole host of reasons.

Relationship wise it’s hard too, so it’s really really important to be on the same page with things and to support each other because that support is essential.

Another twin mom to toddlers. My babies came 36 weeks as planned, perfectly healthy. No risks in pregnancy except high blood pressure from about 35 weeks but as it was manageable I went to planned date.
My older singleton was a nightmare poorly baby in hospital for months.
Much less traumatised by my twins!!

But.

I know we were lucky. We have identical boys just under 7lb each who were healthy. I'm not sure if I could take that chance intentionally iyswim.

Re bedrooms, if you don't have enough space for two children, how will twins work?

One baby is hard work. Two at the same time must be mind-alteringly stressful and exhausting. After having my first one I realised that if I ever found out I was pregnant with twins I would become seriously depressed. 20 years later I have 3 children, the youngest of whom is just 3 now. She was born through IVF and they also asked if I wanted 2 put back. All the money in the world couldn't have induced me to say yes and after going through the baby phase again I'm very glad I didn't.

Twin mum here. Go for it, you are young and twins are the best.!

Thankfully my mum regularly has my step sisters brood to stay regularly (they come Friday to Sunday every other week, she is a single mum to 4 so relies on the break!) and is definitely in the team twin corner, so would be unfair to back track on childcare afterwards 😅

I added it because it’s my honest opinion on your situation.

You are in a very financially privileged position. Your husband’s reasons are based around financially not wanting 2 children born at different times because it’s not financially efficient, or something. It’s not because you can’t afford 2 children full stop because you’re contemplating twins.

And that’s a really odd approach to a major life decision that puts your wife’s health, and the health of your as yet unborn babies, at an increased risk. Just to save some money.

When did I state his reasons were based on it not being financially efficient? I have seen people struggling with comprehension on this site before but this is something else.

did you miss the part where he wasn’t keen on twins, so hardly putting my life at risk, he’d rather not have twins - hence this entire post 🙄

When did I state his reasons were based on it not being financially efficient? I have seen people struggling with comprehension on this site before but this is something else.

It’s all in your OP and subsequent posts - when to time house move, when to have/not have multiple parental leave periods, whether having a nanny is more financially tolerable if you have twins.

I’m saying all those reasons aren’t the point.

did you miss the part where he wasn’t keen on twins, so hardly putting my life at risk, he’d rather not have twins - hence this entire post
Then that is your answer. Do not deliberately conceive twins.
.

What on earth are you on about

I said it would be better financially with 2 to have a nanny, not tolerable - that’s a basic fact - not sure why this is an issue.

We have paid parental leave, it’s not a financial decision, more a career progression decision. As stated pretty clearly. For myself and him, we are aware at some point my career might have to take the spotlight so that part is more for me than him tbh.

Christ you’re hard work. Maybe put as much effort into reading properly as you do into perfecting snarky comments.