To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

I'd you're doing it partly to minimise the impact on your careers of two Vs one lots of maternal/parental leave, I'd think again. Twin pregnancy will result in more midwife checks, going on mat leave earlier, more prolonged sleep deprivation so you're a zombie for longer, two babies who can be ill at last minute so you take time off, etc etc.

The plan to split responsibility 50:50 doesn't always survive contact with reality. Your priorities change or your partner isn't as reliable as promised or your career tanks and his progresses.

I'd go for one and have a second if you want one in a few years' time.

I had ivf twins and they are wonderful! The first 6 months is a blur but not really harder than one baby (I’ve also had a single baby) they are the very best of friends and as they were always on the same schedule (naps, good etc) it was great! Good luck!

You don’t know what kind of parents you will be really until you have an actual baby. Go for one, you may find it’s all you actually want.

On a tangent - what is this fabulous job you do where you can work from home and potentially afford and mortgage and childcare on your income alone??

I actually can’t believe the negativity on this thread! My twin pregnancy was straightforward and mine never spent any time in NICU. I realise that this is not always the case (as in many single pregnancies) and that we were very lucky.. I hope the OP gets a balanced view of this and doesn’t focus too much on the horror stories of twins hating each other etc!

I wouldn't because I knew quite a few parents of twins. It can be brutal, and not only from the physical demands/ logistical issues. I had never considered the emotional side of having to chose for example between two crying or ill babies - which one do you comfort first if you are on your own?

Not to mention things like swimming lessons if there is only one person available to take twins in the pool. And costs - you need two of everything at the same time

I really, really, really would read up about the risks of multiple pregnancies.

My first pregnancy was twins (not IVF) and I was a very healthy person, in my 20s, pregnant with DCDA twins (the lower risk type).

They arrived very prematurely, one of the babies died in the NICU, her sister spent four months in hospital and has learning disabilities as a result of her early birth and these have changed the course of her entire life. She will probably always live with us I should imagine.

I have gone on to have two single babies at term, no complications. It breaks my heart to see them overtake their big sister developmentally.

If I had 'chosen' to have twins, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. The neonatologist did say it was down to complications from a twin pregnancy, which cost one of my daughters her life, my other daughter her health and some of her abilities, nearly cost me my marriage and it has taken me years to come to terms with what happened. It felt as though someone had just blown up my entire life.

I know I was unlucky but someone is always on the shitty end of the statistics. Please don't go ahead without carefully considering the risks to your health and to the health of your children, some of which could be life altering. This is true of any pregnancy of course but there is an extra element with multiples.

Yeah I think you're the exception tbh. I had a singleton , and then twins , and the twins were approximately a billion times harder. My experience couldn't have been more different to yours!

I am going through IVF nhs and even with health issues I would probably go for twins. A close relative had twins and one died during birth which is extremely worrying. However, I know and teach lots of twins and I think having a double blessing is amazing. Going through IVF again is such hard work emotionally and physically as well that to have a chance at a complete family from one round would be a dream. My only concern for you is that you may not want to leave them after 6 months and return back to work.

I would transfer one and freeze the rest for later date.

I'd rather have twins, get all of it out of the way in one shot. lol

Definitely agree you can’t have it all but some can benefit from great careers and earning well whilst also having a family and enjoying time together.

just today I spent 2-3 hours enjoying the sun as my work is flexible, still take home £80k, and am on track for a promotion next year (my workplace regularly promote on maternity leave too, so the ivf wouldn’t be a barrier to that either)

1 is not easy. At all. And honestly the moment you hit childcare age, they're ill all. The. Time. I consider DS age 3 to be healthy but we have already had 2 ambulances to hospital for viral wheeze, 2 episodes of mysterious hives, chicken pox, 3 vomiting bugs, conjunctivitis and hand foot and mouth. Some of these necessitating a week off childcare. If you have twins and both work it does add up to a lot of time off.

What are you talking about? I wasn’t crass and didn’t imply age was having IVF for fun.

I was asking to ascertain whether she might conceive naturally in the future as three of my close friends have.

They had unexplained infertility and after a successful IVF pregnancy fell pregnant naturally for subsequent children.

If that has been the case my answer would’ve been different.

Your poor comprehension skills aren’t my problem.

Haven't read all the replies but as someone who has had 7 embryo transfers (IVF needed for reasons similar to yours) heres my opinion:
My 1st round was NHS funded so was only allowed one embryo transferred.
If I'd had the choice I'd have transferred 2 at that time.

Luckily our first NHS transfer was a success and we have an amazing DC.

(We always wanted 2 children but 3 would have pushed us too far financially and mentally)

I've had 6 subsequent transfers trying for a 2nd but have only had failed transfers or miscarriages, and have spent our life savings on it.
If I was in your situation financially and know I could afford 2 babies at the same time I would 100% go for 2 transferred. Good luck!

I had one baby. Then my second pregnancy was twins so had experience of both.
Twins are an amazing experience but bloody hard work. It’s just not as enjoyable as having a singleton.
This is due to several things:
When they are babies (and for years after to a degree) you need 2 people a lot of the time. With one child one parent at least gets a break and you can share. With twins it takes a LOT more work from both parents. They nearly broke me at various points because there was constant crying for months from one or other of the babies and I couldn’t see to both at the same time.
If bf its double. All through the night. Waking for one baby every hour is hellish enough but 2 is just beyond because it’s all down to you. Tandem bf in bed is extremely difficult when you are exhausted.
if bottle feeding, both of you have to get up for every feed. Even when your DH has gone back to work, he will need to be up all through the night with you, feeding one of them.
When they are toddlers you need someone with you to help really. Otherwise you just end up staying in or going to very local small places because it’s just to hard to keep them safe in other peoples homes / the park / pretty much anywhere that isn’t totally toddler proofed.
Forget swimming lessons or baby massage, baby sing and sign, baby singing etc that all the other mums do, you won’t be able to go unless you have someone to go in with you every week.
When they grow older the fighting and bickering is just insane if they are similar / same sex. Far more than say siblings of slightly different ages.
mine are 9 now and let me tell you, the fighting squabbling is off the charts.
Every club, school trip and activity they do is double at the same time. Not a problem though if are comfortable money wise.
The biggest fear though for me would be the increased risk in pregnancy.
On the plus side, it’s a completely amazing experience and they have a friend for life and someone to play with/ do days out with. It’s amazing watching the relationship develop as it’s quite unique.
Ive loved it and found it hard too.
Would I choose it again? No. In fact I wanted more kids but the thought of having another set of twins totally put me off.
would I choose it if having IVF and no other kids? Yes actually on balance I might well do. It wouldn’t be off the table. If it was the choice between twins and only having 1 child it would be twins every time.

Well I certainly don’t think they’re devious, it’s easier to say yes to two children when you don’t know how hard it is than when you do. Same applies for me!

I don’t appreciate how hard it is and am down for two, if I had one now I most likely might also not be up for a second either.

amd yes, when I’m not accustomed to inserting stuff into yourself I was a bit worried I had gone the wrong way, especially as I was a day post egg collection and everything was swolen and difficult to see from my angle!

I don't mean to be negative but we used 9 embryos in total to get 2 children, including 3 double transfers, every time clinic had said I had those kinds of odds you've been given as all looked good and embryos good quality. I wouldn't get too hung up on the twins thing but consider transferring 2 if like us you can't do too many cycles (money, emotional wellbeing), want to give yourself the best chance of success and can accept the risks.

I put in my post we were financially secure, so not sure why you felt the need to add that tbh

Counterpoint for balance: DD is 3 and has had one vomiting bug, one mysterious temperature and… that’s it. Barely any time off childcare at all.

He definitely has worries already, it took ages to get round to him being not only ok with trying but actively excited so it’s a bigger step for him to be ok from one to two at once.

we never thought we’d get this chance to choose so it’s throwing both of us a bit, with him surprised at himself of being not 100% against it. So it’s not just me who has been changed a bit by being presented with this option

I also want to see this, especially with the flexi hours for lunchtime in the sun and the £80k salary!

It will be incredibly difficult and your DH will (righfully) resent you. Don't do it.

I get your point about how you don’t know how hard it will be either but you are going to discuss the potential for how tough it could be with him before making a final decision, right? He’s already on the fence so you don’t want any resentment if you do go ahead and you end up with twins.

Sounds to me like you’re pretty firmly going to follow your heart here and if that’s your choice then go for it. But my tuppence worth is it would be unwise to downplay any risks or potential issues to your husband.

I know that - but in some cases there is a possibility of natural conception afterwards - sometimes there isn’t. That’s why I asked. I wasn’t suggesting it was IVF for fun 🙄

You could end up with four though OP 🙄