To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

We had 2 embryos replaced each cycle back in the day when that was routine. The cycle we conceived actually was a twin pregnancy initially but one miscarried very early- 'vanishing twin' - it's actually quite common. I was actually relieved in a way, as I knew the risks of twin pregnancy and the much higher chanced of complications / preterm birth. As it was, it was a fairly complicated pregnancy culminating in an earlyish birth of a very small baby, so I hate to think what the outcome of a twin pregnancy would have been in my case. (child is mid teens and absolutely fine now!)

he’d rather not have twins

You just admitted this is not something your DH wants so that should really be your answer?

You don’t comprehend the difference between ‘rather not’ and ‘doesn’t want’?

Thankfully this point is now moot as he has had a good think on it today and we discussed after tea, he isn’t against the idea after having time to think and has said he will support whatever choice I feel comfortable with, doesn’t like the risks but my body my choice and he will go with whatever I’m comfortable putting myself through. He has done some more research into our options to extend too so that has made him more comfortable with it and realised we wouldn’t suddenly run out of space. He has only asked for me to take one of our counselling sessions to discuss this on my own, before deciding one way or another which I agreed to and will be having tomorrow 😊

Oof, this is really tricky.

I've conceived three sets of twins with no fertility treatment.

Sadly we lost the first set of twins, a boy and girl, at 19 weeks gestation due to placental abruption.

When we decided to try again, I was beyond terrified it may be twins a second time. It was, another boy and girl. I went into spontaneous labour at 22+4. Our daughter was born first, the following day, and her brother arrived three days later. During that three days, I developed sepsis and so did our (yet) unborn son. Both babies were resuscitated and taken straight to NICU. Devastatingly, our little boy passed away at four days old after suffering immeasurably. I won't go into details. Our daughter survived and is now two years old, but she was very, very ill and we nearly lost her several times. She spent the first 8 MONTHS of her life in hospital - five in NICU and three on a children's ward. She was discharged home eventually on 24/7 oxygen and fed by NG tube. She was on a lot of medication too and all this was through lockdowns. It was hell. She came off all the meds over time and no longer needs the oxygen or tube feeds. She's remarkably healthy considering, however nobody knows what the future holds for 22 weekers surviving in this day and age.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant. This was also a twin pregnancy but the smaller twin's heart stopped around 8 weeks gestation.

That said, one of my closest friends has twins. They are nearly three. They were born a bit prematurely (34 weeks or so) and spent a very short time in NICU. They are happy and healthy. My friend had a very difficult pregnancy with them and an extremely traumatic delivery.

Many twins are born healthy and close to term. Not everyone's experience is harrowing. But twin and multiple pregnancies come with huge risk to mum and babies. You need to consider this very, very carefully. In your position, even if we had not been through any of this, I wouldn't even consider trying for twins. Definitely one now and one at a later date. Babies are hard work. Toddlers moreso. You're in your 20s so you have lots of time on your side.

Your partner's feelings are just as valid as yours. What if you had twins and he was unable to cope? Could you raise them alone?

Really think about this but I wish you well on your journey to parenthood.

You don’t comprehend the difference between ‘rather not’ and ‘doesn’t want’?

😂😂😂😂😂😂 What do you think it means if someone says they'd rather not do something? If on any thread on here a woman wrote "I'd rather not do something but my DH really wants it to happen" you can imagine the responses!

I have twins via ivf and a husband who only wanted one child.

We had ivf after ectopic/tube loss. So not dissimilar to you in that the raw goods were good but we needed help in getting them together. I was a bit older than you but not hugely - early 30s.

For my first 2 goes at ivf we put a single embryo back and they failed. We had agreed our third try would be our last. We had 3 good but not great embryos and dh gave me the choice of what to do and basically on a whim I said put 2 back.

My pregnancy was fine. Yes I was sick and I got big but even at the end which was 39 weeks for me, I wasn't too uncomfortable (I am short - I was practically a ball). I had an elective section as child one was breech but it was calm and lovely. I had easy babies, easy toddlers, a husband who got over the 2 babies pretty quickly and is a very hands in dad.

I still would think twice about putting 2 back. I didn't appreciate the risks and I took a huge gamble. The impact on the babies, me, my dh. Our health, wellbeing etc. I was so lucky with it all. I know a lot of other twin parents and horribly smug as it sounds, my experience is not the norm. Most have had major concerns re health or sleep or behaviour.

Go for one at a time and maybe look to freeze embryos so if dh decided he's up to try again you have the option?

To be fair OP, it looks like you have made your decision.

Maybe put as much effort into reading properly as you do into perfecting snarky comments.

Honestly, no perfecting of snarky comments here, just saying what I see from your posts. You’re free to disregard my opinion, no worries. My reading comprehension is fine though, thanks.

My experience is almost identical to this.

I had to do IVF to have my baby boy (born last year and is 1 year now). We have 7 embryos in the freezer and we do want a very large family.

I will give you my perspective but I just want to urge that this is based on my views and beliefs and from what you are saying you and your partner might be more worried than I would be.

At the time of transfer (NHS) we wanted 2 embryos but they wouldn’t give that and said it was because of covid (the pandemic had just hit). I was really upset as I want five children but don’t want five pregnancies.

I had a good chat with the doctor who said that twin pregnancy almost guarantees a c section and that every time I have one it impacts my uterus (I think) and that for me who wants a large family, one baby for the first pregnancy was a better fit.

So we went with one embryo and have seven left over. We also see those embryos as our children already as they are part of us and came from us so we don’t want to leave them unused. I know right children is a lot and I don’t think we would use them all but I would like to think we tried.

For our next cycle (next year) we are going ti transfer 2 as we will be private also. I hear everyone on the risks but I believe that everything will be fine and I don’t live my life based on fear but hope. That’s me. Also twins are around and born all the time so the risks cannot be extremely bad or we wouldn’t have any in the world.

I do think from what you said about your partners worries that you should maybe talk t him more before making a decision. I would personally opt for 2 but that is me. Also new horns are hard work and it is challenging but you will get through it and I don’t think once two beautiful babies are here that you will ever regret having one of them! I like to reflect the things I didn’t do in life not the things I did.

I hope you are happy and content with whatever decision you both make. Congestion’s either way this is a big milestone for you and I hope it is a success.

Just be carefull, because of my age and with it being on the NHS I only had one egg put back in, them boom! It decided to split any way and I got twins!! If you put two in you may end up with four! ☺️ Good luck with whatever you and your partner decided and do whats best for you! 😊

@Squiff70 I'm so sorry to read about your babies you lost. I wish your DD, your DP and you all the best wishes with your pregnancy 💖

Hi, I have twins through IVF. They are now 15 so it was pre any NICE guidelines. I then went on to have another singleton via IVF about 5 years later.
Pregnancy and birth were all fine although harder on the body than my single pregnancy (had very bad anaemia, carpal tunnel and swollen ankles none of which I had in second pregnancy). They are amazing but it is very hard work in the early stages much, much harder than my singleton was (even though I had 2 4 year olds at that time and even though it is my later one that has special needs rather than my twins). I bonded easier with my 3rd than my first two. There are no beautiful long lazy days of feeding and staring into your newborn's eyes with twins (I appreciate that this is not the case for all singletons either but it was for my 3rd). I always felt guilty as well - that they were getting less than their singleton friends.
All of that said, I love being a twin mum to teenagers. So much fun, so many different points of view, so much going on. From about the age of 5 it's easier than having two singletons. They do the same or similar activities for a while, same school plays, music concerts, fairs etc. Then as teens again you are back to double the work getting everyone where they want to be (although this is less wracked with guilt). Money is also an issue with twins, it's also more expensive than two singletons (you need two separate cots, car seats etc). Two lots of trip fees for school at the same time. Soon for me two going to uni at the same time (although I will be bursting with pride if they both make it).
Overall I love it but it worked well for us. We stayed healthy, we had a lot of help (although I would second not having people live with you if you can avoid it). I wouldn't change anything. That said when they asked me if I wanted to have two transferred the second time it was an unequivocal no! I couldn't have done twins again. Good luck with whatever you decide. Also try not to be as set in your thinking as you currently are. There is no reason at your age why you cannot have another one later (no need for dh to have parental leave if he can't).

I have twins, now teenagers. I wouldn't recommend anyone do it deliberately.

Our bodies aren't designed for it and that shows in the stats for twin birth outcomes and maternal mortality. Our society isn't designed for it and that shows in the stats for divorce rates for twin parents and educational outcomes for twins.

The first year is brutal, as others have mentioned. I found, in some ways it gets easier as they get older because they talk to each other and play together and generally are at the same developmental stage. But those advantages that make it easier for you as parents are things that are actually detrimental to them as kids needing individual attention. They don't get your individual attention as much and they don't get the mentor/mentee relationship that siblings of different ages can develop, which seems to be beneficial and improves outcomes for most two child families compared to single child families. But they can still develop sibling rivalries and, being in the same school year, it can be very hard on them to deal with. Not to mention having people constantly treat them as a package deal.

When they were small I often had people stop me on the street to tell me they had twins and it got better (and I really needed that in the first few months!) but also to tell me they were a twin, about half of those that said they were a twin said it was awful, they didn't like their twin/don't speak to them/hated them. I found this a bit shocking really - almost no one stops a mother of small children to tell them how awful things will be. But I have quite a few twin mum friends from when we all had babies together. They're all heading into the teenage years now, and that 50% not getting on seems pretty fair. Pressures on twins are significant, especially in school, I think.

Ivf patient here with one baby boy. Knowing what I know now about pregnancy and risks…things that you wouldn’t even think about or know until you’re actually pregnant, like having a short cervix which would be put under even more immense pressure with twins, I’d only ever have one transferred. I’m surprised there isn’t more education at clinics about these things tbh. Plus my clinic said that statistically, two or more transfers at the same time, doesn’t actually increase the odds of it working.

I know several people who have had twins as a result of IVF, all in their mid-late 30s mind you. From what friends have said the first few years are crazy but then it becomes a lot easier as they are at the same age and stage etc. We had both our DC through IVF, both come from the same 'batch' but are 3.5 years apart. We chose to have one embryo at a time transferred. There was a lot of heartache getting pregnant the second time, it took ages and I suffered a miscarriage between failed rounds. It was exhausting going through this with a toddler, and relentless looking after a newborn when my eldest wanted to be out and doing stuff all the time. Now they are at very different stages and my OH and myself split ourselves in half at the weekend facilitating their different activities and parties. There's no easier or harder way to have 2 children, it's just hard at different stages I think.

Definitely read up on the risks though, one friend spent 3 months in NICU with her very premature babies and one of them almost didn't make it.

Far too risky. Obviously if you have healthy twins then excellent and I’m sure it’ll be hard bringing them up but it would be fine. But I know one girl who lost both twins prematurely after an embryo split and it took her 5 years and loads of ivf to get pregnant again. Another girl who transferred two embryos which split into 3 and she lost two of the babies half way through the pregnancy. Incredibly traumatic. Plus you have no idea of how your body will be in pregnancy. A friend was perfectly healthy, no issues, 28 getting pregnant naturally and ended up losing her baby at 25 weeks due to severe unusual pre eclampsia. Totally random in her case. So you could be adding a twin pregnancy to other risks. Eyes on the prize - a healthy baby. Just transfer one @TerryJ94

Thank god I didn't read this thread before having two embryos put back in!

I'm a sole mum in a senior, stressful role. I had an uneventful twin-pregnancy (no sickness etc) and worked till 36 weeks and gave birth at 38 weeks. I didn't even tell work I was pregnant till 25 weeks.

Yes the first 6 months are very hard. Since I've no partner, I got a night-nanny a few times a week. But I was alone with them all day. This was in 2020, when Covid restrictions were very high, so my family couldn't really help. But I feel I really built a strong bond with them, since we were a bubble of 3.

Now I'm back in work, and work from home. The toddlers understand I go upstairs to work. They love their nanny, but never go to her over me.
I batchcook in the evenings/weekends and give them lunch every day (while nanny has a break).
I put them to bed every night, and then have more meetings with the US once they're asleep.
It's very busy and no time for "me", but totally doable.

Someone mentioned you can't go to soft play etc with twins! Of course we do! Every Sat we go. Also, since I'm senior in work, I can be more flexible, so take them to another playgroup on Tues mornings. I've just booked them in for swimming, and they're babysitter will come as the other adult.

If I had read this thread, I'd have thought the above was impossible.

(However, I accept the higher risk in pregnancy with twins. I know I was lucky to have had a very easy pregnancy.)

*their babysitter. Autocorrect

After having 5 private ivf and 8 embryos implanted but only one sticking - our miracle baby who is now 5

tho I was older then you late 30’sand early 40’s by the time it finally worked

and I had good eggs fir my age

say you have one implanted and doesn’t take you will be gutted, two implanted, most likely one will will implant , 2 implanted and both so have twins

obv no guarantee with ivf

so you could say failure v twins

how would you both feel

fwiw our 2nd we had 3 implanted as was told wouldn’t make freezing and defrosting

and he said no baby or possible 3

and both dh and I looked at each other and said 3

on the positive you are young

And fwiw frozen embryos exp with technology that wasn’t about 5/10yrs ago stand a better chance then fresh now days

gives body a chance to heal and recover with a fet

You two sound like a great team op.and great parents to be.its lovely to see,especially on here!
I would do as uve both discussed but please keep coming back to each other.sharing,talking,supporting and being open.ivf is tough.the mental load is alot.
A question.you say putting more in is for twins,could it not mean more twins but putting more in simply increases even the chance of a successful 1?sorry not up on this stuff?

@TerryJ94 What did you end up doing? Are you pregnant with twins? Would love to hear your experience and hope you got the outcome you wanted

We were in a very similar situation to you - surgical sperm retrieval, husband pretty against two embryos and me much more open to it.
Ours weren’t as good as yours - and were not high enough quality to freeze. They put two in, both stuck, and it’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done.
Year 1 was tough, but since then it’s got more and more easy. They have a built in best mate and in comparison I almost feel sorry for my eldest who was a singleton. Twins are easier than a single imo after age two or three. My little girls are 8 and are currently testing each other on their spellings!

I had twins by chance and it's been hard work but I wouldn't change a thing. The early days are relentless and the first yr was a blur. I would say you both need to be 100% otherwise resentment might creep in when you're thrust into endless sleepless nights and the practicalities of raising multiples. Good luck with
whatever you decide