To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

Can you not be career minded and want children?

I wouldn't.

My friend did what you are describing, they ummed and ahhed a lot but in the end they 'went for broke' so to speak and got two embryos transferred.

Both took but she had a terrible terrible pregnancy. The twins struggled and so did her body and they were born by emergency C-section at 27 weeks. I should stress that they are absolutely ok now (age 5), but they spent over 6 months in NICU and it was very much touch and go for a long time. One of them has had to have multiple surgeries for various things which are entirely to do with his prematurity. It wasn't my friends first pregnancy either so this all came as a shock.

It's just not a risk I would voluntarily take. At your age you can try again for another baby down the line.

As someone who's been through 6 rounds of IVF to get our now 3-year-old DD, I'd say stick to one.

If you were having IVF because of issues with your reproductive health (eg hormonal / womb lining issues, endometriosis or poor egg quality) or male factor infertility (sperm fragmentation etc) I'd say go for it and transfer multiples.

However, seeing as your reason for IVF is purely mechanical - ie getting all the right bits in the the right place - I'd say you have an unusually high chance off success in which case I'd stick at one.

If you succeed first time you'll have more blastocycts in the freezer for a future round for no.2, and if it doesn't succeed then you've not wasted any.

Just a note of caution; just because they tell you the embryos look top grade perfect, doesn't mean they are. I had 4 embryo transfers with what were apparently top-grade 5-day blastocysts over the course of a year; 2 failed implantations and 2 chemical pregnancies. They couldn't figure out why they weren't implanting and I had all sorts of tests for immune issues. We did PGS genetic testing with our penultimate cycle which revealed that all 4 blastocyts we got from that round (which looked perfect under the microscope) were genetically abnormal and 'incompatible with a healthy pregnancy'. So it was perfectly possible that all those other embryos we transferred never stood a chance.

I'm sure this won't be an issue with you as you don't have any underlying health issues (I have severe endometriosis) but in your case I'd still go for one. Good luck!

Well we would move

we know at some point we will need to upsize anyway, but with twins we (most likely wrongly) thought we’d be able to hold out a little longer.

If you were able to become pregnant naturally, which I appreciate is not possible, and twins were conceived then it is all down to fate. The health of the pregnancy, the number of weeks you can carry them etc. If anything dreadful happened you would have to live with the consequences but they would never have been self inflicted consequences ( other than deciding to TTC.) It really would be fate. If you are advised to have one embryo implanted, but go for two and anything happens to your babies you will have to live with so many dreadful thoughts. If you miscarry both , if one or both are damaged by the pregnancy or by a higher risk birth you will always , always wonder whether you could have just had one perfect child.When you are waiting to see one consultant after another you will always know that you didn't have to be doing this. You could be in the park with your one and done.

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern

I'm confused how twins is the solution to this? First of all, the twins will grow up and potentially need their own rooms. As PP said they might not get on, or the potential of them waking each other during the night if both in the same room. 2 kids is still 2 kids, regardless of whether they are the same age or if there is a year or 2 between them?

Secondly, you have heard from numerous PP about how difficult raising twins is, which might mean you need to take extended leave as it could be extremely difficult to raise them and work full time. The chances of them being born premature are higher than single pregnancy, which means you may want to take extended leave as they could still be so small when you would be expected to go back to work. So not really sure how this one is irradiated either? 🤔

@IKnewPrufrockBeforeHeGotFamous devious now? 🙄

also he has clearly stated he doesn’t want twins, if you read my post he isn’t 100% against it at all, and definitely is more welcoming of the idea of twins vs having two separately

Oh I don’t doubt it, as I said, coming at this from a 100% batshit angle, the comments of reason are really helping me pull out of this brain fog of sorts

Also to add I had a super stressful pregnancy, lots of bleeding throughout; DD was born premature and breech at 34+4 weeks, and spent a week in Scbu. She also had some other health issues which are now resolved, but I still carry trauma from her birth and early months. If I had an opportunity to be pregnant again I would do everything I could to reduce the chance of that happening.

Before i had twins, the thought of twins was appealing but now I have a child l am hugely grateful I don't

Have one implanted: hope it works. Then try again in a few years if you want another

he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact

No one should have, or be pressured to have, children that they don't actively want. Your dh doesn't want more than one child, so surely there is no decision to be made?

I'm also going through IVF and have met someone on the infertility boards who put two back and got three, so do bear in mind ivf embryos are more likely to split, even one has more chance of becoming two. I've also heard of various people losing one of the two, and at your age it's a higher chance of multiples as far as I know. I think that's why the NHS would be more lenient of someone my age (38) putting back two than someone your age who will have a better chance of viable embryos.

You can be both but, as the famous quote goes, " you can have it all, but not all at the same time". Something has to give. There are constant threads on here about women juggling life and work. It's very, very hard.

With twins it makes a nanny more viable for child care so wouldn’t see the issue regarding work and extended leave, but again totally wanting input on how likely that would be and again if I am in cloud cuckoo land!!

we also assume (again could be totally wrong) with twins we could hold off moving for at least a few years, especially if they were the same sex. We ideally don’t want to move in the next 5-10 years, but if we need to we will.

Thankfully not everyone approaches every decision with such black and white thinking.

If he was 100% against the idea it would be a straight up no, but as he is not it’s become a point of discussion instead of it not even being addressed or considered.

I also had private IVF (we went to a clinic in Greece - cheaper!), and had 2 implanted, and 2 stuck. :) I was 32 and my husband was 33. Yes, the first year or so was just a manic whirlwind, but now we're the proud parents of 5 year olds!

My pregnancy was pretty horrible, so I'm glad I don't have to repeat it!

How can you possibly comment without knowing the OP’s relationship with her mother - this isn’t the issue here! What a weird comment

that would surely be the case for deciding to have any children, do you ask any woman who wants children who isn’t going to give up their careers why that choice was made?

very dated thinking, thankfully both mine and DHs workplaces are family friendly, and flexible so would most likely be in better positions to those who have inflexible workplace arrangements.

I voted YABU, but I do understand where you're coming from.

I'm 36 and currently 29w pregnant with IVF boy/girl twins. I had fully intended to have a single embryo transfer but went for a DET because I got 7 eggs, 5 fertilised, and by day 5, only two quite dodgy-looking early blasts remained, neither of which were going to be good enough to freeze. I transferred both in the hope at least one would take (and even then I got the sense that the clinic weren't exactly happy transferring two, but because the prognosis didn't look great anyway, it was pretty much a case of putting all my eggs in one basket 😕) Obviously I'm delighted that they both took as it was the last-chance saloon for me! But I think in your case, when you're so much younger and have so many top-quality embryos, you'd be far better off going for one and seeing how you feel about a FET later on. Best of luck to you!

@Snoopsnoggysnog my thoughts exactly, lord knows how that poster would handle the fact I FaceTimed my mum from between my legs as I had no idea where to put my pessaries! 🙀Never used a tampon so had no idea what to do with the damn thing and convinced it would go in the wrong hole (again the hormones are making me a bit crazy)

We were considering Cyprus initially as we’re keen on the sex selection but got a bit scared about the level of care abroad, how did you find the process being away from home so to speak?

definitely worried the pregnancy will be tough and then I’ll regret not getting both done at the same time (even if logically that makes the chances of a crappy time more likely!)

I had ivf wand we had two embryos transferred, I wasn't aware it was usually only one in the circs you described. I was 35 at the time. Both embryos were top grade so we had a very similar discussion, with the added complication of already having one child. We decided in for a penny, in for a pound... Not least because we would have rather risked twins, than no baby. We didn't think we could face or pay for another round, so we went for it.

In the end only one embryo stuck. She is now 5. Then I accidentally fell pregnant with a third anyway, assuming I was infertile (as told by doctors). She is now 3.

A tough decision. Yes, a twin pregnancy is higher risk but if you are young and otherwise healthy then this isn't a disproportionate risk.

I also romanticise the idea of twins but all the twin mothers I know looked like this during their maternity leave: 😱 Although they didn’t have the same level of help you have: mother on tap for two months is the dream! Plus shared leave.

However they all also stress the positives that they’re two and through with only one pregnancy, one birth, and one leave to deal with: I’m pregnant with my second, horrendously ill, but still have to parent my first. And then go back to the nappy and sleepless stage all over again.

If you did go for it, would you consider having your leave concurrently? It would mean putting kids in childcare earlier, but the most zen mum I know did six months concurrently with her husband so split 50/50 from the start. It would make the “newborn twins who don’t sleep” phase much easier.

In your position I’d honestly flip a coin. Heads, implant two. Tails, one. Let fate (and a 50p) decide.

I have twins by chance too I agree with all of this

A twin pregnancy can be very hard on the body and I must admit I really didn't enjoy being pregnant, spending most of my time sleeping and ending up on bed rest in hospital with induced delivery at 34/5 week because of pre- eclampsia. However, that was me and you might be fine, although most of the twin pregnancies I know of all had some hiccups on the way.