To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

Also depends how much things like baby groups and classes are important to you. Think of the logistics of taking two babies. Baby massage? Who is going to do the second baby? Baby swimming? Not unless someone else is going with you. Baby groups are all set up for parent plus one baby. You can end up incredibly isolated.

Thank you for this, definitely trying to think of the balanced views, this is definitely a head vs heart thing for me, I know I am most likely being unreasonable and to some degree crazy for thinking this would be great, but my heart is just so set on it.

DH is on the other path, very led by his head but does agree at a base level this would be the closest thing to a compromise on my view of 2 children and his desire for 1. He has highlighted this would make things difficult regarding schooling options (we want to privately educate) as we would be able to afford sending 2 but it would be a lot tighter than one of course, which is a big thing for me so definitely wanting to view this rationally, it’s just the time crunch that’s throwing us, we don’t have weeks or months to make this decision 😩

As someone who has done IVF in the past I honestly wouldn't recommend this. It's not even so much the having two babies that could be stressful etc, its the risky pregnancy.

My IVF ended in miscarriage and I ended up having a natural pregnancy. It was so nerve wracking the whole way through as I was always worried about something going wrong. In the early days of my pregnancy I hoped it might be twins (even though I knew it would be higher risk) as I was showing quite early but as I got past the 12 week mark I was so grateful it wasn't.

Pregnancy can be stressful, especially pregnancy after infertility. The risks with twins are high, usually they are born early (even if its only a few weeks) and much higher risk of development problems. The risks of pre eclampsia are much higher, and gestional diabetes. There's a reason why clinics try to avoid multiple pregnancies. You'd be mad to take these risks in my opinion. It might seen like a good idea now but when you're carrying two precious babies that come with high risks you might regret that decision.

At the age of 28 with male factor sub fertility single embryo transfer is best - there’s still a risk of twins with a single embryo transfer and putting two back doesn’t materially increase your chance of pregnancy compared to a single embryo transfer - ask the clinic again on the proposed day of transfer what their advice would be ( as they then have the knowledge of how many eggs you produced / were collected , % fertilised and embryo grading - good luck

I say go for it. The first few months are exhausting with twins but you will have some good solid help, and after that it can be a bonus having two the same age.

Actually that's untrue that frozen embryos have less chance. There is a lot of research that shows frozen embryos have a slightly better chance.

'Many fertility specialists and treatment providers indicate that frozen embryo transfers provide a higher pregnancy success rate than using fresh embryos during assisted reproductive technology'

You should have a look at the absolute risks of things like preterm birth with twins vs a singleton time help you decide.

My daughter was born at 32/40 and luckily she is okay but that's not a given- preterm birth can lead to life long complications. Additionally, the month in the SCBU wasn't a walk in the park for any of us. There are very good reasons to avoid having a multiple pregnancy.

The reasons not to are numerous.

Firstly, the reason why the NHS stopped transferring first 3 and then 2 embreo’s was because o the risk of premature birth and associated difficulties, time in NICU, serious life-limiting disability for any of the babies, early miscarriage if one of the babies is lost then the other is put at severe risk as well.

Secondly, if you implant two and neither of them takes then that’s one less to freeze for future attempts. IVF has a low success rate, around 35%, so you have far more of a chance of not getting pregnant than you do of getting pregnant. You don’t want to reduce those odds even further by putting two embryos back and potentially losing them both.

Your clinic’s stats are dubious to say the least. The figures for IVF are around 35/40% nowhere near 70%, and especially not for a multiple. But they stand to gain if you end up with a successful twin pregnancy and you then put the word out to others who might want to send some money their way.

And then there’s the practicalities of having twins. Having to deal with two babies rather than one and all the issues that brings.

When I was pregnant my MW said she wouldn’t wish twins on her worst enemy.

See the sling thing, didn’t even thing about it. Now you’ve said it, of course how the heck does that work can’t put one on the back and the other on the front!

thank you for this realistic view on the challenges twins might present, we only know one person who has had twins herself and she was militant with their schedule (to the point of concern at times) so haven’t had much exposure to the real world realities of twin parenting. Thank you!!

I have IVF twins. I also have an older child (also IVF).

Back when we were having fertility treatment (early-mid 2000s) putting two embryos back was standard practice, and we did so with both pregnancies (though only one stuck first time). The clinic were much more bullish about the second lot of embryos, which resulted in the twins.

Twin pregnancy was hard - I felt tired, sick etc from much earlier into it than I did with my first child. And I ended up on bed rest for the last few months of the pregnancy because my 20week scan picked up cervical shortening which worsened dramatically until I had a cerclage at 22 weeks. (I don't think bed rest would be advised now, but it was then.) As I'd carried one child to term previously, consultant thought it was the pressure of a twin pregnancy. We thought we would lose them at that stage, and he was clear that if we did, he'd recommend single transfer in future.

That said, they were born at full term and, of course, it feels very worth it to me. Having baby twins is hard, but having single babies can be very hard too, and if you're going to have two children, there are definitely practical and emotional benefits to them being twins.

I don't know what to say, really. You seem well informed about the risks and rewards, I guess keep talking to your husband and work out what you can both live with. Good luck with whatever you do.

I would love to have twin toddlers, but twin babies inside me I’d be very worried about. Go look at the size of a newborn baby and then picture TWO of them inside you. Stretching your skin, pressing on your blood vessels etc. And then after birth, both needing milk at same time, both needing nappies at same time etc etc. Waking each other up through the night. My friend who has twins said that no matter how hard she tries, it seems like one of them is always screaming while she sorts out the other one.

We don’t talk much about the consequences of childbirth for a women’s body, but I only had one in there and I’ll never have full bladder control again, I’d be very scared to put two in there. Plus I kept fainting cos my baby liked to lean on the artery taking blood to my brain - glad there weren’t two of them doing that. You might of course be fine, but problems aren’t something that always happen to other people. You should do one at a time if you can.

Your real problem is that your DH has got it into his head that he only wants one child. That’s selfish of him, to force your child to have no sibling / lead you to consider twins to escape that. Work on DH. In the meantime get the doctors to create lots of embryos and freeze the spares so that DH doesn’t need sperm extraction again if you both decide on a second.

@rainbowandglitter oh yeah she will be moving in regardless of having one or two babies!

Presumably the 65-70% from the clinic is based on how the OPs embryos are developing rather than their initial chances of success? Otherwise it would sound very unrealistic!

I have twins. I won't lie, the newborn and baby stage was tough, but it's overall wonderful. My main reservation would be, you would be paying double nursery fees until they get their free funding at 3 years, which by the way doesn't kick in on their third birthday but the term after they turn 3 for instance my friends late April daughter was considered a summer term baby so her funding kicked in in September! I was lucky my twins were early December so we got the funded places in January. Finances sound tight for you, hope you have considered this.

What if they split, and you get quads, then you're fucked.

What at @Ethelfromnumber73 said. Around 1 in 4 sets if twins end up in NICU.

It's easy to romanticise about twins but, just the pregnancy alone would be enough to give me nightmares.

Jesus that's a bloody good point. Nightmare.

I have 2 year old twins so the early years are very fresh for me.
They are very, very hard work. The pregnancy was brutal (I was enormous). Unless you have frequent help week to week it’s incredibly hard when they’re babies.
As someone else mentioned they’re a huge strain when they’re young too - both parents just have to be totally hands on, there’s no lie in for one while the other entertains baby - there’s two to entertain, you’re both ‘on’ all day (and night!) I absolutely adore my children but have often said if I could have had them one at a time I would have. It just didn’t happen that way!
Also their nursery fees would make your eyes water.
BUT I love them and wouldn’t change them now they’re here of course, but mine happened completely by chance so I didn’t have much choice in the matter. There are pluses, like always having a play pal, only having to be pregnant once, nursery is expensive but again I only have to do it once etc etc.

Also - a friend of my husbands had two embytos implanted during IVF, both split and she had quads. So please do weigh up every eventuality!!!!

Sorry sent too soon, I have spontaneously conceived twins, SIL has IVF twins, its bloody hard work. The risker of higher order would put me off.

Do it. They are only babies and toddlers for a short time. Double buggies are difficult and depending on the DC you need 4 pairs of eyes and hands anyway

Never said the chances of the overall IVF were 70%

if you read again the chances of having a multiple pregnancy with 2 transferred over 1 is at 65-70% for me due to how well they are progressing.

our overall chances of success are also higher than most due to age, good fertility and quality of eggs and sperm. The overall stats on IVF are skewed based on the majority of those requiring it are doing for for a fertility related reason. Our clinic has 46% success rate in 30-35 age group (included in those are many with infertility issues) so based on our specific medial needs have been given higher odds than average.

I think YABU based off:

DH has always only wanted one child

he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact

Having children is a 'two yeses' scenario. And yes, like any form of consent, should be freely and enthusiastically given.

Right now you're talking about him being 'worked on', about him not being entirely against it, etc. That's not enthusiastic.

I have IVF Twins - it was my 2nd round of IVF and to start with I had a really easy & great pregnancy. This was borne out of my mother and sister sailing through pregnancy - do you have the same comparable? BUT, halfway into the pregnancy, they found some abnormalities and it was very stressful, we prepared for the worst and were thankful that the twins only needed a short stay in NICU. With multiple pregnancies that is always a risk.

Parenting twins is HARD - we were lucky that we are were very much aligned on our goals and outlook BUT our twins are very different and it is much harder than parenting siblings that are close in age. There is a constant comparison by everyone including us - even though we try hard not to. Someone described parenting twins as relentless and it really is in the early days - there is no respite.

Our twins are a joy however, and it was the right decision - we always wanted 2 kids relatively close in age - i didn't have any viable embryos to freeze and the thought of doing full IVF again with a toddler in the mix just wasn't an option - not least the financial implications.

My kids are 6 now - it is much easier than it was in the early years but there are still lots of challenges and hurdles but if I had the choice again - I would make the same decision but 2 x full time Nursery fees was eye watering too!

Oh and we were in NICU / SCBU for 65 days

I was in the same position really, we went for having the 2 best eggs transferred but not in an attempt to have twins tbh. We were told our chances of conceiving were so low it was worth putting 2 in as 1 may make it but there was no real chance of them both making it. They both made it and I now have twins. They're great and I wouldn't change it but it was a difficult pregnancy and they came very early. Both had 2 month stays in NICU but have had no longer lasting effects and are now healthy 4 year olds. The first 2/3 years with twins is hard that's all I can say but totally worth it and it gets much much easier once they get to 3 whereas if you have one it gets tougher as they get a bit older as they need more of your attention. Let us know what you decide, good luck xx