To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

In all honesty I wouldn’t transfer two to actively try for twins.
I just wanted to say that I would urge some caution with these odds you’ve been given of success. My husband has very healthy sperm and I seemed all okay reproductively speaking. We went through IVF simply because we weren’t able to conceive naturally due to his cancer medication. We anticipated quick success but had 5 unsuccessful rounds. The disappointment was so painful every time. On paper everything looked good - but that doesn’t always follow. I have since conceived naturally on the first attempt. There’s no exact science in my experience. Good luck to you both, and I really hope it works for you first time xx

If you had boy/girl twins there is no way you would get away with letting them share for 10 years. You'd be doing well getting them to share for 5 years! Also an influencer I follow has twin girls who used to share until she realised they were staying up well past their bedtime chatting and messing so had to move them to their own rooms around the age of 5 / 6. So not even guaranteed with same sex twins.

A friend of mine transferred two, one of the embryos split and that triplet sadly died recently. They were all born early with severe complicationsl. I think its ultimately your decision and I would never judge but it's considerably risky in ivf and multiples. I would transfer one embryo. Best of luck and please update if you get good news :-)

You might live pregnancy and the baby days. I did. I did it three times and the idea of having twins and missing out one lot of maternity leave seems a shame.

That should say love, not live pregnancy.

We’d definitely consider concurrent leave, or at least overlap. So me and mum for 2 months (minus the 2 weeks DH takes at the start), me and DH for 4 months then him on his own for a couple of month's if we needed to.

as we both WFH there is also options to have a nanny start earlier and still spend time with the child/ren during the day but not being actively needed if we did run concurrently so we can return to work on schedule but not miss out too much on that period of time. Work is flexible for both of us, I regularly take an hour or two to enjoy the sun mid day as it is, so won’t have an issue spending time with them if they’re in the house during the day.

If you both have family friendly workplaces then that is a definite advantage. You cannot know how you will cope until your baby/ babies arrive. Nobody does. The reason I say you can't have it all is because I am on the ' done it ' side. I was a teacher. I found my job exhausting and I found being a parent exhausting. I had to return to fulltime work after my husband left. I felt I was a weaker teacher and a poorer parent because everyone wanted a piece of me 24 hours a day. Even if you employ a nanny it will not be plain sailing. If your children spend more time with her than with you it will hurt when they go to / cry for her and not you . It's not old fashioned or outdated to think you can't have it all, it's realistic.

Definitely not guaranteed, but thought less certain than having two at different ages therefore different needs in terms of furniture, room uses etc.

worst case we would move, but we thought out of the two options twins or two a few years apart, twins would have a higher possibility of us staying in the house for a bit longer

Taking aside your husbands concerns...

You should decide if you can live with one with DH or if you will always want 2 now. Before any embryo transfers. If 2 is a deal breaker for you then you need to resolve it before you and your husband AND a child have a bigger problem.

Having 2 at once has no benefits. Aside from practical. Which you are using as leverage to persuade your husband. 2 at once does not benefit you child/ren and you need to put your child first now, before they are conceived.

Having 2 at once means you are less likely to go to full term and the risks with that.

Choosing 2 at once is choosing to put greater risks on the children. Because you want 2 and your husband doesnt. Your children are not a means to an end (you getting your family of 4 over his wish to be a family of 3)

Some times if you cant decide on the best option, try thinking of it as choosing the least bad option

Are the risks to you and stress of twins less bad than only having one child?

Most of his concerns around 2 children are eliminated by having twins, it does introduce new concerns but his pro con list looks different when it’s twins vs two children a few years apart

I think your husband is putting money before health issues. It’s as if he’s forcing you into making this pregnancy a twin pregnancy because he doesn’t like the financial implications of two periods of leave. Despite saying he’s aware of the health risks to you of a twin pregnancy and being afraid of you dying in childbirth.

I think he needs to take this ‘one and definitely done’ thing off the table, allow you to go ahead with a single transfer and be more open-minded to the idea of another child in future.

@AngelinaFibres definitely appreciate your view and experience, thankfully both our workplaces are family friendly, with leave policies to boot so hoping that goes in the pro column at least. Thankfully we have both reached levels where our work is managing others doing the day to day, so definitely get a lot of ‘free’ time during the work day, as our values are strategic over tactical, again hopefully that will help things too!

That sounds like a nice dynamic.

I don’t know enough about assisted pregnancies but I do see why you’ve considered it. Especially as you would like two children and your H is quite vocal about only wanting one.

I guess I left my post open to the usual Mumsnet comments about it being outdated thinking to wanting a child when both future parents are career minded.
I have read a lot of threads on here when Mum (often a single parent when Dad has left) regrets her choice to deciding to have a child.
I don't particularly consider myself old or having outdated thinking.
I admire people who choose not to have children as they wish to progress in full time careers /promotions/highly paid salaries. I also become concerned when I hear of poor standards of care in nurseries/childcare. Not to mention the amount of children who attend breakfast clubs and after school care who claim they would prefer to be at home.
If that makes me old fashioned I make no apologies.

I wouldn't for the simple reason your DH quite clearly doesnt want to.

I don’t understand your quandary then? If you want a child why would you deliberately do something that is more high risk for both you and the pregnancy? I’d put health above all else in this scenario

I’m wondering if this thread is genuine now. Denial of the fact that your reasons for twins are devious despite saying you want them so your husband can’t change his mind about a second baby because he ‘has no idea what’s coming’, claiming you worried you’d put the pessary in the wrong hole, Cyprus for sex selection 🙄

I'd focus on getting one healthy baby through pregnancy and birth. Twins are high risk.

I had 2 embryos transferred last month. I thought I would be fine with twins but at the first scan when they said there was 1 baby I was very relieved. Pregnancy and birth is risky there is no point risking preterm birth, increased miscarriage risk, etc etc if you don't have too.

I mean, to be brutally honest, it sounds like you’re in a relatively privileged or at least secure financial position - if you can afford the idea of twins and a nanny, you can afford a singleton and a nanny, then another baby in a year or so.

All your reasons that revolve around money and housing aren’t ‘can’t afford’ they’re ‘maximise value’ - and I think putting your health at risk and increasing stress on everyone just to save some money when you’ve got alternative options is an odd way to approach family planning.

I can understand where you're coming from in your thinking. I think it's really hard to have the potential for choice in this, when it's not something we usually have a choice about.

However, I feel the bottom line is that you would be putting yourself and your babies at higher risk of complications. Twin pregnancies and births are more risky, for mothers and babies. The babies are more likely to be premature and to have health issues. I know that you know this already. But I think there is a tendency to slightly gloss over the reality of the risks when feeling caught up in something emotionally charged and exciting.

The reality is, even if born safely, twins - and babies born prematurely - often have long term health issues because of it. I'm trying to run through all the twins and children who were premature that I know of and I think almost all of them have a medical issue that still affects them in some way. To varying degrees of severity, from relatively minor to life-altering.

I'm uncomfortable with the ethics of knowing all of this and still choosing this route. It's knowingly putting a baby under greater risk.

My second reservation would be on the - relatively reluctant - consent of your DH to doing this and even to the very idea of having two children. Who knows how your DH might feel in future about the prospect of a second child - maybe one child will give him the desire for another, maybe not. But opting for two while it's an option now, when he's not very enthusiastic about the idea of two at all, seems like a recipe for disaster. It will be hard. He needs to be enthusiastic, or at least quietly positive about the prospect of two, and not just persuadable and capable of quietening his doubts and true feelings.

You seem like someone who is very organised and wants to make plans. Which is great in many ways, but starting families is so much more chaotic, chance-based and ever-evolving than that.

Honestly, you are very young still. You have plenty of time in parenting terms. I know that having one now and another later will affect various things on a practical level (maternity leave etc), as you've mentioned; but it does sound as though time and money are on your side in those regards.

Obviously no one can tell you what to do. But I think if it was me, I'd give one embryo the very best chance of a safe and healthy arrival in the world.

I would stick with one. I had my first round of IVF on the NHS, only had 2 good embryos so they transferred both.

Both took, I then went into labour at 20 weeks and lost my babies. It adds an enormous risk to the pregnancy.

I think the main reason not to (apart from all the facts that have been presented to you in this thread) is that your H isn't on board. Even if you "persuade" him, he's still not on board. And that's setting you up for problems later on.

You shouldn't have twins to get around his objection that he only wants one child. That's a separate issue.

Look up Tor Cook on Instagram - it's Frankie Bridge's sister. She had IVF (suffered multiple miscarriages due to natural killer cells) and had two embryos implanted, I believe she went with Harley Street. Both were successful and she had twin boys. I'm pretty sure she needed to have them at 34 weeks and had an elcs. There are of course risks involved but there are also people who have positive outcomes. Only you can decide if that's right for you but in your position, I probably would have.

My daughter was born a couple of weeks before her sons, so I enjoyed following her journey.

You sound like you do have a good head on you op.and your really greatly and generously taking on all views tossed yoyr way on here! You both sound great parents to be.
I'd keep talking.of your do.he sounds like even before the twin thing he's got some fears and triggers related to all this.so make sure he's allowing himself to be open with all his irrational and rational oh my gods thinking.
Being your 1st.being if my gut telling me go with what they no and then if 2 comes so be it.your already going a different route why push the machinics further so to speak? But this has to come from you both.talj to him about the possibility of another in future.
I'm also very happy for your relationship with your mum.good on and for sticking up for it.heaven forbid someone on mumsnet loves and gets on with mum and mum in law.
I'd just be over the moon to be allowed one.thats my personal view but also in my circumstances that would be a miracle.so only you no what you can realisticly go for.to me though just to get the one I think is blessing enough to try for.anythingvelse a bonus.