To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

We know someone who had 2 embryos implanted and ended up with triplets!

This is the biggest line on our con list!!

the fear, and also the pain as I know quite often in such instances one or more babies might not make it to term, and then all the shit that could happen if all three did make it to term regarding early delivery and complications etc.

I had horrendous hyperemesis with both my pregnancies. The sickness was so bad that both times they expected to find twins when they did the first scan. I only had one baby each time. To be that sick and growing 2 babies at once would have probably killed me. I weighed 5 stone at 6 months pregnant and spent lots of time hooked up to drips in hospital. Extreme sickness is much more common with twins. Don't underestimate how debilitating it is. I had a cesarean with my first ( breech and stuck ) and my bladder has never been right since. He is 30 this year. There is 17 months between my 2. It destroyed my marriage. I was sick both times, had surgery with the first and a difficult vaginal birth with the second. I had pnd. It wasn't the lovely, romantic ,bonding and special time I expected. It was awful. I ended up as a single parent by the time they were 3 and 2. My husband liked the idea of children but the reality was very different. He simply couldn't cope and he couldn't cope with me not coping. It was an absolute shit storm of misery. If your husband has any doubts whatsoever please listen to him. If the clinic are giving you factual information regarding risk please, please listen to them. If you go for twins and one or both is born with problems you will be up a creek without a paddle. Being a single parent is incredibly hard and incredibly lonely and my 2 are entirely NT. Parenting a child/ children with problems is a billion times harder.

I wouldn’t OP, on many levels.

There is of course the health risk, but you know that. There is also the risk of multiple multiples (happened to a friend of mine with IVF and she had to abort two of four). Despite what others say, the success rate for frozen and fresh is very similar (and in some cases better for frozen) if your clinic is decent, and so you will have another good chance in due course. You are young and have plenty of time. Having one baby is exhausting, I can’t imagine how people cope with two! And some studies suggest that multiple transfers can actually decrease the probability of success as one miscarriage can cause a secondary miscarriage (I have reason to believe this happened to me the one time I did a double transfer).

Your opening post suggests the main reason you want to do it is because you think you may get your DH to agree now, but not in a couple of years time. That is not a reason to do it. It’s probably a reason not to. You don’t want to be trying to cope at 3am with two screaming babies and a husband who only ever wanted one child.

I really wouldn’t for all the reasons above. But many things about having a family are illogical and if we only ever followed logic many of us would have very different families (on the face of it many people would have told me to give up before we got to 70k spent on IVF, but then we wouldn’t have our amazing DD). So in the end you will be guided by your heart, just make sure your heart is fully informed.

Ok, so I've had IVF and have had two embryos put back every time. The reason being: the first round they were not good quality (didn't work), the second because the first hadn't worked so they wanted to give us the best chance, and the third because it was a frozen round at an early stage (three days in, can't remember the terminology now!).

I have two children, one from each of the successful rounds. I'm glad I put two back each time as otherwise I might have none. But at the same, contradictory, time, I'm glad I didn't have twins. I was exhausted with one at a time! And people on the fertility boards I was on did have losses with multiple pregnancies. Plus prem babies and high risk pregnancies.

Given your age and reason for treatment (ie not for unexplained fertility or age-related), you have a high chance of success. I'd recommend doing one, even though I did two and am therefore a hypocrite... It's no one's decision but yours and DH.

Definitely spot on with my reasoning behind wanting this so badly, as stupid as it sounds in my head it’s so much easier to get DH to agree to two at once as he has no idea what lies in store, if we had one and they were an absolute terror I think DH would be down the clinic flushing the remaining embryos (he wouldn’t but you get the point)

I somehow can’t quite get my heart to acknowledge that yes, but when you’re sat there potentially dealing with 2 terrors you’ll be kicking yourself.

this is coming from a purely not reasonable place in me, so thank you for your comment, making a rational choice is necessary which isn’t easy when your brain is all over the place!

I had blastocysts, and I was strongly advised to have a single embryo transfer. The embryologist told me that a double embryo transfer wouldn’t increase my chances of pregnancy much, but would greatly increase the chance of twins.

I’m not sure why this is, but from memory, I think that the uterus often rejects abnormal embryos. If a normal embryo has also been transferred at the same time, then it might be prevented from implanting.

A high grade embryo has a better chance of being chromosomally normal than a low grade embryo, but this is just an indication.

From reading your posts, I would be more worried about being a lone parent with twins............. Your DH sounds overly happy with his MIL taking over the reins so that he gets an easy time. He doesnt want 2 children and yet you are pushing for it. Do you reallywant to risk your marriage?

your reasoning for wanting twins the first time around is devious and extremely unfair to your husband. He’s already made it clear he doesn’t want to try for twins

What would you do about them having separate rooms and the added expense of two children? I know a couple of sets of twins who actively despise each other and hate being a twin. A third set love it and are very close, but to the point where it does seem like they consider themselves one entity.

People often assume twins are besties but often they can have real issues with each other. Parenting them can require real delicacy to ensure they don’t become crazy competitive nightmares and constantly bickering. Have you considered those sorts of challenges in parenting twins? It’s not just the early years, it can be a massive challenge to ensure both grow up with a healthy relationship with each other.

I’d hate to have twins myself, knowing how demanding a newborn is, can’t imagine splitting my time and energy between two of them!! I also think it’s a bit unfair to leave out these discussions with your husband if you know he has no clue what will hit him with two at once. He’s becoming a parent too and so should be aware of what this could potentially involve.

Definitely spot on with my reasoning behind wanting this so badly, as stupid as it sounds in my head it’s so much easier to get DH to agree to two at once as he has no idea what lies in store, if we had one and they were an absolute terror I think DH would be down the clinic flushing the remaining embryos (he wouldn’t but you get the point

But you don't know yet how you'll feel about motherhood once you're in the thick of it. You might be the one going down the clinic to pull the flush!

I've had IVF 5 times, and always chose to have two implanted.
First IVF - miscarried
Second and third - negative
Fourth - miscarried
Fifth - twins!!

At the 5th transfer, the embryologist said she was convinced I'd get pregnant, since they were both hatching.

I had a completely uneventful pregnancy and had a peaceful planned c-section at 38 weeks.

Yes, twins are very tough at the start, but it sounds like you can buy in help. I highly recommend a night-nanny a few times a week.

For twin pregnancy being riskier, that's more when they share a sac/placenta. Two fraternal twins from two embryos are less risky. I was slightly worried about one splitting, to have triplets, but luckily it didn't happen.

I'm delighted to have my family complete with one maternity leave.

I was in my late 30s but had two 'textbook' embryos transferred on my first cycle, everyone in the clinic said the risk of twins was very high and I had to sign a form saying I understood the risks. Neither implanted. This was secondary infertility, unexplained (other than age factors). I had had a child naturally 2 years before.

I went on to have five further cycles over a two year period, some fresh some frozen, and had no pregnancies from those either.

If I were you I'd have one transferred as your age and fertility give you a good chance of success. Your husband's concerns about career impact seem strange to me. With twins you would likely need more time off in one go.

I have two kids (second one was a miracle after we gave up ivf having been given a 5% chance of conceiving any which way) and I had 6 months off with each and have a very successful career.

Sorry, the paragraph formatting was lost.

I can’t speak to the IVF side of things but I had twins after a singleton. The pregnancy was grade-A awful; I don’t think there was a complication I didn’t get, plus side effects of medication etc. And you’re much less likely to have a “whale song and yoga” type birth, if that was ever on the cards. But I genuinely don’t find my two 2x as difficult as my older one. We go out, we do groups… I refuse to sit at home and we have a blast. Seeing their relationship develop is also a real privilege. The whole “you’ll never leave the house or sleep or eat or rah rah” thing hasn’t been my experience.

You do sound a little dismissive of the risks, I think you should focus on these a little more in your decision making rather than worrying about school fees etc (although obviously it all comes into the decision). You have great eggs but you don’t no yet that your body will cope amazingly with pregnancy yet. By going for twins (when your DH doesn’t even want to) you run a higher risk of ending up with no baby at all. I don’t no the struggle of going through IVF, but it must be very difficult yearning for a baby that way, so why put it at risk? And what if the twins are early and one or both of your perfectly healthy babies ends up with a permanent disability or worse because their higher risk twin pregnancy caused them to be premature? There are so many cons before you even get to the difficulty of raising them.

I totally get the draw of having twins and not having to worry if your DH will agree to this in the future, but I don’t think it’s the best decision. I’m sure you will have a successful IVF journey as it sounds like everything is in your favour but I wouldn’t be cocky about it and risk it all based on what the heart wants, head needs a bigger say here!

I tried ivf twice and it didn’t work for me. I was too unwell from the process and decided not to continue. But as to your question I would absolutely try for twins. You sound like a very happy and well supported family. It’s a personal thing though. I’d have tried for triplets if I could have. (Yes I know riskier etc. I would personally have tried).

Hardly overly happy about her taking the reins, more appreciative of spending time with someone he loves deeply. He never had a proper mum so mine has been such a source of support for him, he calls her mum, they spend time just the two of them etc.

we are having her with us regardless of twins or a single baby, because she wants to, and we are definitely ok with it. Would love to have her for longer as we (shock) love having her around, not just for the food either 😅

also love how it’s a concern for him to be so happy about it, but I’m ok to be enjoying her ‘taking the reins’ smh

The Royal College of obstretrics and gynaecology website has some useful info on multiple pregnancies if you havent already read this.

Lots of additional risks with multiple pregnancies for Mums and babies. As someone who has worked with hundreds of extremely preterm babies on neonatal intensive care including many twins and triplets, the statistic that sticks out most for me is 60% chance of preterm birth for twins compared to 8% for a single pregnancy. Prematurity, especially extreme prematurity comes with a huge number of potential complications for babies.

www.rcog.org.uk/for-the-public/browse-all-patient-information-leaflets/multiple-pregnancy-having-more-than-one-baby/

In your 1st post you said you are both career minded.
Why do you want children?

I think after all you’ve been through with ivf, you may want to reduce the risks for you and baby/ies and go for just one.

I have twins. It’s about a million times harder than just one (I have 2 other singleton children too). It takes away a lot of the joy when they are babies.

Definitely not actively dismissing the risks, more my brain somehow doesn’t want to take them in.

I can’t explain it, but I’m a very logical person most of the time (have to be for work too) but in this instance it’s just gone out the window. You could honestly tell me I’d have a 90% chance of growing an extra leg if I went through with a twin pregnancy and I’d still be considering it. Going from assuming it’s not a possibility to being told we have a choice, but it needs to made within the next 2 days has thrown me tbh

I'd go for 2 and keep fingers crossed 🤞

I had my 2nd DC when the first was 20 months old - it was VERY hard work as the time schedules were so different, there was no break at all.

Move on to when 2nd DC was just 3, I then had twins (definitely not planned)!

I was really well throughout the pregnancy, I had extra scans but that is all.

I went to 40 weeks (had to be induced), had a vaginal birth - all well. It was so much easier with twins they fed and slept on the same time schedule.

So given the choice I would say twins are easier than toddler and newborn.

it really isn’t all doom and gloom if you have twins.

Now is when you start being the best other you can, and that means choosing what’s best for your future child not what’s best for you. Twin pregnancies are far more dangerous for all concerned. Why would you choose that for someone you loved?