To actively try for twins?

[TerryJ94]

Posting for traffic, new user so apologies if things aren’t formatted properly or I use the codes wrongly!!

DH and I are a few days away from our embryo transfer in our first round of IVF. We found out today that since we are paying privately we are not bound by the NHS ‘Rules’ around only implanting one embryo for our first attempt based on age (I am 28, and the NHS guide that for a first try anyone under 40 doesn’t have more than one transferred)

this has thrown us as we had always assumed based on what we read that since it’s likely we would have one clear ‘winning’ embryo we wouldn’t get much of a choice in the matter, but now we have a choice to make and I’m looking for advice or guidance or something.

We know there are risks for multiple pregnancies, but would we be unreasonable for actively trying to get a multiple when we have the chance to?

To avoid a drip feed -

DH has always only wanted one child, but has said this was mainly due to practical reasons around house size, we are both career focused so multiple leaves etc. was also a concern (we are splitting our leave as we fully believe it’s as much his job as mine to take time out to raise our child(ren) in those first 12 months) however with twins that does eradicate pretty much half of his reservations with having more than one child.

I am much more keen on the idea than he is, but he isn’t 100% against it, if he was dead set against the idea it wouldn’t even be a consideration.

We both earn well and I have 6 months fully paid mat leave through work, he has 3 months full pay for his paternity leave which he can take any time in the first 12 months, financially we can afford 2 children easily. If for whatever reason we split I could more than cover our mortgage, nursery fees etc. for both children myself so there is no financial concerns for the future at this stage anyway.

I have a supportive family and my mum has already agreed to take 2 months off next year to move in and support with the baby, my younger brother is also very supportive and would come to help if need be too after this 2 month period ends.

my only concerns are am I being ridiculous thinking this is a good idea, will I look back at myself and laugh at how great twin life would be.

It is of course not 100% certain we will get twins but our clinic has advised based on how well our embryos are developing (17 out of 19 fertilised and 10 are ‘top quality’ based on the clinics grading system) we’d have a 65-75% chance of both sticking if two were transferred.

I personally see this as my only guaranteed way to at least try to have 2 children, DH could be worked on but there is no guarantee he would be up for another round in a few years time, especially if life changes and it makes sense to stick to one.

DH is more practical on the matter and has said he isn’t saying no, but he definitely would prefer just one embryo to be transferred, greatly prefer it in fact, and that the risks associated with a multiple pregnancy worry him, I lost a close female relative during child birth a few years ago and this has really scarred him, Frankly it took a lot to get him used to the idea of trying in general as he convinced himself I would die.

So twin mums please tell me if this is crazy, anyone else also chip in as I am genuinely so confused and desperate for unbiased views (as my family are definitely in the more the merrier camp!)

I'm surprised your clinic will do this although I guess lots do. I was 39 with 5 failed transfers before my (private) clinic started suggesting doing a double. I'm now pregnant with twins of course after first double transfer, lol.

I'm sure you would cope fine with twins. Sounds as though you have family help and money which would both be very useful. We have some family help and money and I'm definitely less daunted as a result.

I would say though that personally I'm glad that I had one baby on its own first. It was a really special time, bonding one on one and not being horrendously stressed. It's still special having that time with a toddler having not done any of it before. You may well have embryos left over and if so to do another fet in a few years is nowhere near such an undertaking as doing a whole round of ivf.

Pregnancy is unpredictable, I personally find it a breeze but lots of other seemingly healthy people don't. I'm 29 weeks now and still managing fine but you hear of twin mums being in hospital on bed rest from about 18 weeks onwards. Which would eat into your only one mat leave argument in quite a big way! Likely you'd be fine but you can't plan these things.

Also, you don't have to take a year off each time. I didn't and I'm not planning to this time. 6 months per mat leave is plenty in my view and will have very limited impact on your career so long as you have a supportive partner when you go back. 2 short mat leaves won't ruin your career, or his.

So I'm leaning towards no although I'm v pleased myself to be having a bonus child because I really wanted 3! And we wouldn't have gone through more ivf for a third. Which is your likely situation but for 2.

Before I had my first DC I actively hoped for twins, now I look back and realise how naive I was! One newborn at a time is fine for me.

That said, I always knew I wanted two a d if IVF was my best shot at conceiving I think I'd be very tempted to go for twins in your situation, even knowing what I know now. It would prevent having to pay for a second go at IVF!

BUT, it sounds like your husband isn't keen. That's enough to write it off imo. It isn't enough that he's just "not 100% against it" isn't enough imo, he needs to be committed and want twins as much as you do.

Twin pregnancies are also more risky, with a higher chance of prematurity, higher chance of stillbirth and a higher chance of negative maternal outcomes. Overall it leads to a much more medical pregnancy.

Finances are definitely not tight so thankfully the nursery fee issue isn’t a concern. But definitely am concerned about how tough it would be and how much it’s something I have to decide on with little notice, I get having a child in general most never are able to prepare for fully beforehand but it’s scary as I can think it might be a good idea, but reality is most likely going to be different

Definitely fucked if they both split!!

A little outing but only to those who actually know me…

My sister and I had IVF at a very similar time.
Me: I’ll take two please, I want to maximise my chances (one stuck)
Her: I’m an NICU nurse, I’ll just have one thank you (also stuck)

It’s such an individual decision. (mine were low quality and numbers dropping significantly day by day)

I wasn’t worried about the cost and practicality of twins, or family size. Just about increased risks of prematurity. At the end of the day, I over ruled those fears but my sister who saw the impact daily, did not.

For my personal experience, I wouldn't.
There are so many complications you can incur with twins (I had one still born and one who was born two months earlier, severely underweight and had a very difficult start in life).

Apologies, I meant he could be worked on in future for additional children, but it’s not a guarantee. Most of his concerns around 2 children are eliminated by having twins, it does introduce new concerns but his pro con list looks different when it’s twins vs two children a few years apart

I had IVF for my DC and part of me wants to tell you to go for it, but other part says no.
My IVF pregnancy wasn't enjoyable sadly, the worry and anxiety was horrendous and I wasn't happy until he was born.
I can't imagine having that worry for two, along with the risks that two come with.

I'm really surprised your clinic would do this, given your stats make it pretty likely both will continue to develop. I thought that in the UK fertility clinics were legally required to minimise multiple pregnancies due to all the risks involved. Unless you'd had a history of embryos not implanting, I would say this therefore goes against that legal requirement?

Op if finances aren't tight why is house size a factor in your dhs wish to have one child? Would you be equipped to give each child their own room as they grow up, esp if you have G/B twins. Your dhs opinion is also v important, must be a joint decision. Twins would be tough for both of you, bearable if it's something you both want, unbearable if not.

I'm also doing it privately and have been offered the chance to implant two but have declined. My first baby came at 31+6 and while he's healthy the risk is higher with twins and I wouldn't want to risk it.

I have twins naturally, pregnancy was absolutely fine medically wise but exhausting. My twins are wonderful but if I could change one thing about them if would be that they had been born separately to allow them more individual attention. Medically ours have been fine but that’s not always the case given the increased risk of premature birth (ours weren’t premature thankfully), you say you don’t want to take too much time off work which I completely understand but if one or both of your twins has ongoing medical issues there may be a lot of appointments to deal with which will eat into both of your working hours. Given your young age I’d personally go for one egg the first try but good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry for the loss of one of your babies 💐Your experience and others on this thread are really helping my head to push down my heart on this so I really appreciate it.

I'm a twin mum, boy/ girl. I'm not sure about the risks if you implant 2 separate embryos. I think the risks are much, much higher with identical twins. 2 placentas are generally ok (but I don't know stats).

Pros of twins:

• they have someone to play with of same age and a friend for life (so far with mine anyway, they're 13!).
• all the hardest stuff, newborn nights, potty training, GCSEs etc is done in one go
• if they need to be in childcare for long hours they will have each other, which will be lovely

Cons:

• it's really, REALLY hard and I always say I couldn't have done it if they'd been my first (I already had one child so kind of knew what I was doing).
• you sound very career focused and 2 children is always going to be double the mental and emotional load, so not sure it will work well for you and dh.
• if dh isn't really keen on twins now, the physical load of the first few years could break your relationship. He might blame you etc. Is your marriage in a really strong place?

In your circumstances, I’d say GO FOR IT!

We live in an expensive area, money isn’t tight but its also not £1.5 million to get an extra bedroom good iyswim

And with one room becoming a permanent home office (DH permenant works from home, I WFH 4 days a week) it leaves one left for children to occupy, it’s a good size but not splittable in terms of a stud wall or something.

Yes OP. I would go for twins if I had the chance!

I can’t comment on the IVF piece as I luckily managed to conceive all mine naturally, however as a FTM of a singleton baby, and then twins second time around, I would choose not to risk having twins if I was going through IVF. I love my twins and wouldn’t change them for the world, but bloody hell it’s tough and we knew what we were doing second time round! With my singleton first (granted this was a year before covid) I managed to easily make baby groups, go for coffee and cake etc. Whilst it was difficult from the perspective we were new parents and had to learn on the go, overall it was a good social experience. With the twins however I’m outnumbered especially when our toddler isn’t at nursery and my DH is at work. I’ve barely been to any baby groups as it’s a logistical nightmare and the risk of both kicking off or having a poonami at once, and I’m only just starting to feel confident (even as a second time parent!) at 9 months old to take them out more by myself. Putting aside my love for all my children, I would’ve definitely picked a singleton first and second time around if I could! The early days are about survival and I think we only coped with the twins as we knew what we were doing with feeding, winding, routine etc. Don’t want to be all negative about it, but had I got twins as a FTM I think I would’ve really struggled mentally.

I'd just add that if you're implanting two embryos then they would be fraternal twins, most likely to DCDA, and they are the least risky type in terms of their health and development - no risk of TTTS, for instance. The strain on your body carrying twins is high, and I did end up with pre-eclampsia. I would have loved to have another pair of hands around when my twins were tiny (and indeed did have a lot of support, still do), and you know your family best, so I would go ahead but make sure you're all on the same page with ground rules for baby care. Twins aren't easy but as they get older they have a lovely bond and there are lots of benefits too.

The clinic have really hammered home the risks, for some reason my rational brain is not working and my heart is taking over on this so I’m very thankful for posters such as yourself for the reality talk!!

No twins here but DD2 has severe disabilities from a catastrophic birth injury and it has been HARD.

I love her to bits but I don’t think that until I had her, I realised the full spectrum that lies between healthy baby and stillbirth/ neonatal death. In our time on NICU, SCBU, PICU, children’s wards and her special school, I have greater awareness and I would not actively incur any additional risks of prematurity or pregnancy or neonatal complications.

Of course I know lots of healthy twins but there is a significantly higher risk of premature labour and other problems.

Forgot to add that the twin pregnancy was so much harder physically (although my body had already been stretched from my eldest) that I felt I was going to break by the time I got to 30+ weeks whereas I was physically fine all the way up to 40 weeks with my eldest!

Honestly it’s negativity I need!

I’ve lost all sense of reason (I’m blaming the hormones!) and need to hear the good the bad and the ugly realities of having multiples, our only experience with twins are limited and mostly positive, but we don’t live with them so have 0 idea if it’s shit behind closed doors.

If I could guarantee DH would be 100% up for another round a few years down the line for a second child this wouldn’t even be a consideration (well it might be - see all sense of reason gone!) but he has been very open with his views on this and that although it’s not a definite no, he would be tough to convince for a second pregnancy down the line.

Your husband wasn't chronically sleep deprived and stressed after you had surgery. Tempers fray very quickly when you are exhausted. Having people around to help is brilliant but space and peace and privacy are crucial in a marriage. Two months with someone else in your house will get very tiresome

My husband and I only transferred one embryo because of the fear of having twins. If Im correct (and I stand to be corrected) you cannot refreeze the remaining embryos from the same straw so they effectively get discarded.

Had a blighted ovum and have not been able to retrieve more eggs. I wonder everyday if we had transferred two whether the other would have been our miracle.