DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

Who knows
either way your option is to stop going to that pub or just ride it out

Well you can't stop them. Can I politely suggest you all spend less time in pubs?! Or go to different pubs?

Why is your DP not sticking up for you if her behaviour towards you is so obviously bad?

Seems like she wants you to feel awkward

Don't give her the satisfaction, keep going to the places you would usually frequent. Make sure you say a fond hello every time to her husband.

He has tried to talk to her, that failed and so he cut all contact with her. Now barely sees his friend either as friend doesn't seem interested in resolving anything. Not a lot else he can do.

Where I live pubs are the meeting points for a lot of other groups - think things like book clubs, knitting clubs, running clubs, quizzes, board game nights, darts etc. Giving up the pubs would also mean giving up my social life. There's only 2 in my area and I would need public transport to go anywhere else, I don't drive.

This then. ^

I’d carry on as you are and ignore them save the odd hi if they’re right in front of your face. I know the pub hosts social stuff but surely you don’t chat with every single person in there every single time. If they live miles away and don’t actually like knitting then they’ll soon get bored when she realises it’s not getting a reaction.

I would be super nice and friendly, bright and breezy, to her at all times. 1. shows you aren't bothered 2. will annoy her like mad. 3. You can't be accused of doing anything wrong and it'll be clear where the animosity is coming from.

I'd laugh every time I saw her. If the situation offered it you could also say Oh dear, have you still got tye hots for him

In this situation I think your partner needs to tell his friend what went on and tell him it's making your partner uncomfortable. At this stage there is nothing to lose and I think it would be preferable that they fall out and stop coming to your area

Well she's a cow isn't she?

Of course it's deliberate. Don't give her the satisfaction. Kill her with kindness- will probably really wind her up.

She’s stalking your DP in plain sight, I would be wary of her as she sounds unhinged. Is there anyway you and DP could speak to her DH and lay all your cards on the table. She may have spun him a completely different story as to why she now wants to do a two hour round trip to go for an evening drink. If he knew she was carrying a torch for his friend I cannot believe he would enable this weird behaviour.

I would also make sure all your friends are aware of this situation, which will hopefully make them less welcoming to her.

I'd find this quite intimidating actually so you have my full sympathy. I know it's easier for everyone here to say 'carry on as normal' 'kill her with kindness' but it's harder to actually do in real life. I would probably end up retreating back home in your position though I know that's not good MN 'advice'. Your partner really needs to step up here and say something to this friend. They are being very weird.

Every time she snobs you I would be direct "x why are you snubbing me and why are you suddenly in my 2 local pubs?"

Your silence is what is letting carry on.

Be brave and gently/kindly call her out on their behaviour.

I’d be telling all my mates about them, so they can support you if anything happens. Also just ignore them. Or tell the husband how strange it is…

How very weird

As an alternative, you and DP could go full on with the PDAs when they're there, hugs, touching, arms round each other and kissing (though maybe not the tongue down the throat kind in a busy pub!). Heads close together and frequently laughing, very occasionally looking over at them as you do so.

Should put them off, and if it doesn't at least you'll have fun.

Is she choosing their nights out in the hope of seeing your DP? Her feelings won't have disappeared yet. As they're all not seeing each other anymore she could be telling her dh that she loves your pubs and wants to go there in the hope she gets to see him.

I remember trawling pubs and clubs in the hope of seeing the guys I fancied, granted I was single and no social media at the time, just knew where they drank and turned up with all my mates telling them that these pubs were brilliant.

They are your DP’s friends, he needs to step up and deal with it. They are acting beyond weirdly - she is hostile towards you, they’re going out of their way to be constantly present in places they know you frequent, and they’re making you (and surely him too?!) feel uncomfortable.

This can’t be a friendship he’s interested in maintaining? Even if the bloke’s nice enough, she’s clearly batshit and her behaviour is stalkerish, so why wouldn’t he just address it? “Always nice to see you, mate, but ever since [Batshit Stalker] told me she’d got a crush on me things have been quite awkward between us, so it just feels a bit weird you two keep rocking up at our locals when Walls and I are trying to have a night out. Especially as [Batshit Stalker] obviously hates Walls and goes out of her way to be unpleasant to her. It’s making us feel uncomfortable. What's going on?”

Then leave it to her DH to sort out, as it seems unlikely he’ll continue to enable this shit if he’s knows what’s really driving it.

What?!? That is beyond weird....

She must be the one driving it - why does her DH think they're making all this extra effort??

Life is too short for this sort of shit. I would politely but firmly tell her that it's very clear she has a problem with you and, that being so, why is she suddenly frequenting your local haunts when she knows she will bump into you? Be really assertive and call her out on her rudeness. No need to be putting up with bollocks like that from anyone, it's not the school playground. Don't be a pushover.

They both sound like utter weirdos tbh the only way to tackle it is to power through feeling awkward in your own local area and carry on like they don't exist. they'll probably give up if they think they're not effecting you

Her, i get.

But him?

So basically you hate each other and your bloke told you the issue was she fancied him? And when he sees them in the local he acts all friendly like there is no problem and that he’s happy they are there? But tells you secretly he’s irritated and they have no idea he is?

can you see the common denominator there as to the problem? It’s your partner.

How will that work when her bloke is acting like there is no issue and he’s happy they are there?

op you sure he’s not inviting them?

This is utterly batshit from all sides.

She’s a weirdo. Her DH is a weirdo for being in your local for no reason all the time. Your DP is a weirdo for just pretending everything is fine instead of talking to his friend about the visibly awkward situation you’re all aware of.

And you’re a weirdo for never saying: “why are you blanking me for no reason?” - how have you never said that? Why are you letting her get away with being such a knob?

None of this mental stuff would ever happen if people weren’t obsessed with avoiding “conflict” for no reason.

Tell them they’re being weird!

What’s the worst that can happen?