DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

Not going to the pubs will only work if the DH doesn’t either and actively avoids the husband as he keeps inviting the nutty wife out. Currently their plan is working. OP is hiding away at home, unable to go to her own locals and her DH is still socialising with them. So nutbags strategy has worked. I would not be having that!

You are being intimidated. Your dp knows more than he is letting on. This isn't an innocent coincidence but a strategy. I am sorry op but I would be avoiding the pubs and going out with other people. Cut them out of your life, something is definitely not right I would bet good money on recent history between them...

@wallsareclosingin
So this couple are travelling an hour out of their way to visit your local pub that they never visited before since your Dp moved in with you and then ignoring you?
Because that seems weird. Has your Dp got concerns about this?

What sort of age group are we talking here? Her behaviour is madness.

Maybe the husband has a thing for you. So when the wife suggests going to the pub he thinks great, blind to the reason she wants to go.
Or into your DP.

We are all mid 30s... So yes, far too old for this drama.

I've spoken to DP and explained how anxiety inducing this is, and he has agreed that it's not a coincidence, likely planned by her, and I shouldn't be the one feeling uncomfortable. Wasn't sure what H is thinking but it's likely he is aware of wife's feelings - for whatever reason, is ignoring it. One reason could be that wife wants children, H is not at all ready (they've been together 12 ys) and DP doesn't think he ever will be - as H really struggles with change and disruption to routine. DP is very good with children, and wants them, so i suspect that too could be the reason wife is so fixated on him.

He accepted that he should have said something ages ago instead of burying his head in the sand, hoping it would magically go away. Said he will speak to H about it and if they still insist on coming here, we will just say a brief hello but not make further conversation and sit separately.

Hopefully once she realises we are just ignoring them, she'll be forced to move on. But I've been thinking that for 2 years now so who knows!

The way these messages are being cut off is driving me crazy!

Are you certain that your DP & this woman have had no other history together?

Has he had any other partners prior to you & if so how did this woman react to them?
Did she accept them or equally try to intimidate them into keeping off what she sees as her territory (ie. your DP).

I don’t think she’s going to just drop it. You’ve taken something away from her & she is not letting it go.

She sees that she might not be able to get your DP back so she is trying to damage or spoil you relationship in some way.

She wants you to clear off & it to go back to how it was before you came along. And she’s kind of working because you do feel like retreating.

She’s jealous & sounds like can manipulate her H. She won’t behave in a reasonable manner because she’s already acting incredibly inappropriately & this is being rewarded by her H playing along.

I think your DP needs to cut them off I’m afraid. Her H won’t be able to stand up to her. Or it may stop for a time but will force her just to find other devious ways to get to you/sabotage yr relship.

What a totally bizarre situation. She is married to your DPs friend FFS but thinks she can stake some kind of claim on your DP. Was she really planning on leaving her DH for your DP even though her feelings aren’t reciprocated? 😆

I’m wondering if she’s the controlling/abusive type? I once knew a couple like this, the man is an absolute doormat and his partner thinks she can pass judgement on everyone else’s relationships, as if she’s trying to take charge of everyone around her - a bit of a bully tbh.

Why on Earth is he still with her when she’s behaving like that? I’m not surprised he doesn’t want children with her yet, very sensible decision considering she’s openly harbouring fantasies of running off with your DP!

I think you both need to distance yourselves from this strange couple, difficult when they keep popping up on your doorstep. Her H is never going to stand up to her. I’m surprised he didn’t leave her when she first sent declared her feelings for your DP….are you sure her DH actually knows? Maybe it’s him wanting to go there and her feeling really flippin awkward 🤔

How bizarre! That is just abnormal behaviour. To travel an hour on a bus to drink at your local 🧐

Go down to the pub and have that chat OP!

Oh god, I’d have to talk to them!
yuk!

..if someone was being rude to my DP in this way and making them uncomfortable in their own neighbourhood I would definitely call them out on it! In fact I would probably be willing to lose the friendship of them both over it.

Have a chat with your DP about the possibility of confronting them together and calling out her rude behaviour. I think he’s being too passive, they are being weird and rude, he needs to be much clearer in his loyalty and needs to fight your corner. He needs to let them know that her behaviour towards you, his DP is not at all acceptable.

Hopefully your dp will talk to the H and that will be an end to it. If it isn’t, you are going to have to cut contact. Have you bought your house? I’d be tempted to move and not tell them where I’d gone if renting.

You need to give as good as you get. Go to your pubs as you would have done before and then blank them. If he approaches you you can explain (loudly if you want) that you are annoyed with his wife’s behaviour and are embarrassed for him and say you think it’s best if they stayed away? DP should back you on this? If he seriously wants to continue the friendship it has to be with the H alone for all concerned?
frankly she is obsessed and sounds like a stalker

Speak to her tell her to back off or you'll be telling her husband about all the texts you have read.

Do this ^

There is a factor here that isn't out in the open.

Most likely your DP and her had a session once or a few times.

There is definitely something that you don't know about so can't take into consideration but your DP sounds wet as hell to be honest.

I think I'd say something like I find it weird you told my DP you had feelings for him and now you're showing up everywhere we're going. Point out they live an hour away, and you're a 5 min walk.

Just say all their crazy shit out loud so they can hear it (and maybe others too).

id do this as well , i couldnt be bothered to keep putting up with it with it either , if it leads to a bit of a tiff who cares at this point , theres nothing to lose , friendship is gone now anyway

The simplest explanation is that they are there because that’s where your DP told them you’d be. Otherwise why would they bother on the off chance you were there?

This is all sounds like playground nonsense

She's clearly stalking you and her hapless boyfriend cant even see whats going on under his nose.

You have two choices here: Avoid the pubs like the plague until she gets bored
OR go wherever the hell you want an drape yourself all over him just to piss her off. I'd probably chose the second but I'm petty like that 😄

It is so weird. Your DP absolutely needs to make it clear to both h and stalker wife that this is odd and unacceptable behaviour. He should not have let you have to deal with this.

They live an hour away? Why on earth is her dh tolerating her shit and aiding and abetting her? Really weird. Your dp needs to give him a reality check.