DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

This is so weird. Does her husband know he’s being dragged around so she can bump into a man she has a crush on? Or worse, the wife of the man she has a crush on, purposely, to make it awkward. 😣

@wallsareclosingin why don't you arrange an evening with them, give it an hour and then call the wife out and ask what the issue is? lance the boil, as it were... It would very difficult for her to sit there and ignore your direct question and might put her off hanging out so locally to you.

Have you just taken your husbands word that she fancies him because it also sounds like it could be that he is loving the attention and has bad mouthed/lied about you to her resulting in her disdain when you meet?

I had an ex do something similar where at the time when he was with me he portrayed the wife of a friend as being in love with him so that I would be wary of her and he also told her that I made his life a misery and fabricated lots of lies so that when we met in social occasions there would be a frostiness and he was loving it in secret.

Tbh, I think this is possibly the best option! Blow the whole thing wide open, show her that you are laughing at her, and don’t give a fuck!

I reckon that would be the last time you ever saw them

what have you got to lose?

Her husband doesn't know she fancies his friend, and she was quite willing to leave her husband for your dp, that's why she told him. He rejected her though, so she's stuck with his friend instead, and you got who she wanted.

Going to be very awkward to tell her husband now though. Your dp should have told him when he found out. Your dp is going to lose a friend out of this very likely, but hopefully by telling him, you both should finally have the stalker gone and you'll be happier going to the pub again. I doubt the husband will want to travel an hour each time to let his wife drool over another man.

I think wife is blaming you 100% for her access to to your DP being restricted.

Kick her in the shin.

Okay, don’t actually do that.

It’s all very odd.

I’d ask them very loudly why they are coming all this way for evening out.

How very weird. Could they have moved nearer to you without you knowing?

Two years is more than enough OP. If this was a few weeks worth then I could maybe think she's heavy with limerence but this is nuts. Time to take the bull by the horns. DP speaks to her DH and tells him the full story about the fall out. Including the fact that it makes you BOTH uncomfortable (not just you, him as well - united front required) because a) he doesn't have any romantic feelings for her and is embarrassed by her following him and b) he's embarrassed that she is dragging her DH around town after another man. Yes it'll probably kick off but frankly the time for being nice is done. How close together are the two pubs? Can you swap your nights around - they've obviously twigged which nights you usually go, reverse them, be spontaneous! If you do end up in the same pub if you're there first you stick firm. DP does nothing more than a swift hello to his friend (if they are still friends at that point!) then returns to you. Position yourself in such a way that they're not in your line of sight - out of sight, out of mind. Carry on with your evening with subtle PDAs (a hand on the knee, a touch on the shoulder - anything too extreme she will realise you're playing it up!). If they're already in when you arrive, one swift drink then move to the other local. It'll be soooo obvious if they do follow you, and if they do revert back to we were here first territory.

When it all blew up and she admitted feelings, it was all over text so I saw the messages. He also showed me all their other messages. I didn't read them all - just the ones when we first started dating, when she'd get pissed off if he was spending an evening with me, and made really catty comments knowing nothing about me. Also read the last few before it blew up where she was coming up with ridiculous reasons she needed to see him, alone, but he made excuses why he couldn't.

He is certainly at fault for not dealing with it more authoritatively. Tbh he thought giving her space would let her get over it and focus on her marriage, and in time we'd all be able to hang out again. So the fact she's actively seeking him out has thrown us both.

I do sometimes wonder if H knows and just doesn't care - she used to flirt with my DP in front of me and H and he was unbothered. DP also told me that early days he was conscious of not spending too much time with the wife in case H felt uncomfortable. But H kept inviting him around and almost encouraging them to get closer.... Their friends all noticed it and one of them gave the couple a T-shirt with DP's face on it that they BOTH proudly wore it and posted on FB. I saw the post when DP and I first started going out and used to joke they were a throuple. At least he admits even he found it weird at the time.

There's a pub event this evening and I've just noticed she follows the pub on social media. That's how they know about all the events. Expect them to be here - DP is working so I'm tempted to go down and have a 'chat'.

I thought this initially but DP asked H recently and he said they aren't planning on moving for a few years.

It almost sounds like they want to do some sort of wife swapping!

i think I’d definitely have to have it out with them without DP there. It’s weird

Isn’t this stalking?!
I suggest you stop going to the pub for a month and see if this dampens the enthusiasm.
The DH is a bit of a pushover..

Agree with this poster.

I mean your DP and you are kinda being stalked by this weird couple. I think DP should have a row with the H and really clear the air: “look - your wife came onto me, is nasty to my girlfriend, and now you’re hanging out at my local pub which is an hour away from you and where you know I often go with my partner. We consider this stalking and harassment. Please stop it or we’ll have to file a complaint with the police.

I actually think your DP has behaved very badly continuing to be friends with the H despite the wife’s behaviour to you.

They've been having threesomes, and you've spoiled their fun.

Surely her husband needs to be shown the texts now. Why are you and your partner colluding against the husband knowing the truth?

"I do sometimes wonder if H knows and just doesn't care - she used to flirt with my DP in front of me and H and he was unbothered. DP also told me that early days he was conscious of not spending too much time with the wife in case H felt uncomfortable. But H kept inviting him around and almost encouraging them to get closer.... Their friends all noticed it and one of them gave the couple a T-shirt with DP's face on it that they BOTH proudly wore it and posted on FB. I saw the post when DP and I first started going out and used to joke they were a throuple. At least he admits even he found it weird at the time."
A t-shirt? Fuck me we are well into the world of weird here! In normalworld the couple would have felt deeply embarrassed. Maybe worn it once to defuse the 'joke' and then subtly back away from this throupledom. The person who got the t-shirts made - that's also a weird and passive-aggressive behaviour. Are the whole bunch of friends weird?

"The reason we can't just ignore them is because H and DP are still friends, and do occasionally hang out (alone) and also share a larger social network."
And yet, he appears never to have raised with his friend H the question of just what the fuck he and his wife are doing, stalking him and his girlfriend to his new stomping ground, nor has he raised the suggestion that H asks his wife to stop being so fucking rude to you?

I'm starting to wonder if it's H who's after your DP and his wife was acting as his proxy! The who situation is THAT weird!

who situation = whole situation

I’d give them a great big beaming smile and wave hello from across the pub, every single time, then just crack on and have a lovely time doing whatever I was doing.

Surely the H can see what’s going on? I wonder if the wife demands they go there as she wants to bump into you and your boyfriend? It’s weird AF so I’d act entirely unbothered.

It’s like that stalker episode from Alan Patridge! T- shirts with your DH’s face in it wtf??! There’s probably a shrine to him in their house..

This would seriously freak me out. This isn’t a harmless crush she sounds utterly crazy and the husband must know and is either ignoring or for some reason encouraging.

Do not let them drive you out of your locals. This is what she wants!! Why would you give her the satisfaction?

Your DH needs to pull them up on this. Ask them
why they are there all the time. Why is the wife so rude to you. It’s crazy that he is just acting like this is all normal behaviour.

I would also say something but appreciate I’m a gobby cow. The first time they appeared I would have asked them what brings them over here. Then every time they turned up I would ask them. Call them out on it. I’d ask her why she blanks me. I would also make jokes about her being a crazy stalker but that’s just me. You need to do SOMETHING though!!

Haha me too, I could cringe thinking about it especially as today it would be seen as stalking 😳
It’s not nice for the OP to have this woman hanging around and I don’t really have any good suggestions other than maybe laying low from the pubs (and her) for a couple of weeks and see how that goes, although you shouldn’t have to. 🤷‍♀️

Well that's creepy;sounds as though their obsessed with your DP.

I'd catch her in the pub loo and give her the gypsy's warning personally.

I'd stop going to these pubs for a while and leave them be.
They sound a bit nutty to me and there's clearly an agenda going on that neither you nor your partner are privy to.

Are you certain your DP has never slept with her and his friend? I also wonder if your DP is in fact, loving the attention / drama? Its like you've stumbled into some really weird dynamic with your DP and his friends and I'd guess that you do not know half the story. It's like a cruel mind game is being played on you. Put a stop to it for your own sake.