DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

"Recently H has started posting very posed/coy photos of his wife on this social media. Just to say it's a hobby specific social media and the only people active on it are H and DP - wife is not even on it!! So why the hell is she posing for photos, and H posting them where only my DP will see...It is actually a bit scary to go to all this effort!"

I'll be blunt - H is sexually interested in your DP.

It’s a like a different world that mumsnet reveals to me.

one I thought once really existed on Eastenders

It sounds as though this couple are angling for a threesome. Husband clearly knows his wife is attracted at best, obsessed at worse with your DP.

There is no way to resolve this, your DP has to go NC and leave the Facebook group and block them from all social media.

Also let all your friends know your DP is being stalked.

I would be careful to not react to her behaviour at all - let her carry on. Don’t acknowledge them, don’t force a confrontation, nothing. I suspect a relationship between your partner and her, which was ended when you came on the scene - she has confided in her husband who has chosen to stay with her. They may have told your partner to come clean to you that it’s not just her with a crush, hence the turning up to your neck of the woods.

Your partner has omitted some crucial bits (and deleted messages) from his story, I suspect…

What a silly idea. Are you fifteen?

Definitely seems there is a sexual element to this, even from the OH as well. Regardless of what happened with or feelings from the her, the pic thing the OH is doing is just strange. I wonder if enjoyed thinking your DP fancied his wife and when it seems now otherwise is increasing his efforts to lure him back and to keep the status quo. I can’t think of any normal man in a happy relationship that would encourage his wife spending so much time and effort with a man she had a crush on, assuming he is aware. If he doesn’t know her feelings, he may think(or it’s been told by her) that it’s the other way round and is almost flaunting it to your DH. But I still fail to see how he would be so onboard with it unless he gets some satisfaction from the situation as well. Which is a bit disturbing. Is there any possible way your DP was a third person in their marriage with them both on board/involved?

OH = other husband in my prev post, not other half. Sorry

I would take it a step further and come off all social media, as no doubt they are watching everything you do together, that is perhaps how they know the pubs you are most likely to visit etc. They are travelling two hours a few times a week to try and bump into you/him?! That is crazy stalker behaviour.
The facebook photos are just really weird.

Has it made you question who your dp actually is with weirdos like this for friends??

Why is any of this okay with him, wet lettuce or not, he has allowed another person to treat you so disrespectfully for TWO YEARS!! Anyone else would have called jealous wife out the first time she was rude, the second time would be the last time. There is far more to this story op. Much more he isn't telling you. How has she got such a hold on everyone for so long?

Have you asked dp about it? Have they had a sexual relationship in the past?

I would be giving him an ultimatum, he either gets rid entirely of the two crazies and cuts contact completely or the relationship is over. It is too uncomfortable to leave things as they are and too scary.

Why is any of this okay with him, wet lettuce or not, he has allowed another person to treat you so disrespectfully for TWO YEARS!! Anyone else would have called jealous wife out the first time she was rude, the second time would be the last time.

Have to agree with this, OP. Your DP doesn't have your back, he doesn't stand up for you. The fact that he has let this woman disrespect you so much for years is pretty embarrassing for you, surely? I would be very, very hurt that my partner couldn't be bothered to stand up for me. My partner would have called her out for her rudeness by the second time she did it, AND addressed it with his friend.

Your DP doesn't seem to give a shit about your feelings or love you enough to stand up for you. I would be so very hurt and furious with him. Forget the fact that she likes him, forget about an affair, forget about all of it. Just the fact he has never ONCE called her out and defended your honour publicly in front of them would be more than enough for me to question my relationship. It's like that song, When a man loves a woman:

And turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

He won't even turn his back on that woman or call her out, let alone call his friend out for allowing his wife to act that way. Your DP should have put the woman in her place, publicly, in front of his friend. After all, if you can't be open and honest with your own friend, when his wife is blatantly rude and disrespectful.....

The husband and wife are weird nutjobs, but - sorry but your DP is no prize. I'd be telling him to find his fucking balls and DEFEND MY HONOUR and tear strips off her, in front of her husband, or I'm gone. You've got a double whammy. A rude obsessed woman after your partner disrespecting you, and your own partner disrespecting you by allowing her behaviour to go uncommented. You really have no one in your corner. If your partner can't find his balls, man up and be a real man and defend you, I'd leave the weirdo 3 freaks to themselves and walk.

Then again, I would never have stayed for years and put up with the disrespect to me by my own partner for not standing up after the second time, let alone the third, let alone for 2 years.

Oh and 'wet lettuce' and 'doesn't like confrontation (who does????)' is just code for lazy and an excuse. If a man loves a woman he will defend her honour. If he loved you, he would do it, and proudly and forcefully so. It's all just an excuse for a ball-less, spineless deadbeat who refuses to stand by his woman.

I also suspect that the couple are both after your DH and I am wondering if there is either sexual element in that they would like a threesome, or the H can't have children and they are hoping your DP might impregnate her if they can reel him in. I know that sounds mad but people do strange things.

I have been on MN for donkeys, but never have I had such a screaming siren running through my head as I do when I read your posts. We obviously all read all sorts. Yours has a sinister under tone to it, that feels very off to me. Something is seriously seriously amiss, and before you take this relationship any further at all, you need to find out who your dp is, what the connection is with the other two and decide if you can live with it.

None of us know them or what is going on, but your lovely place of peace and tranquility feels threatened to me. Something is very wrong with your set up. Dp has moved in with you, but they have almost moved in as well, he has allowed them to treat you so badly for years and now to stalk and intimidate you an hour's drive from where they live?? What do they have on dp exactly for this to even happen?

Do not marry this man, use double contraception and work out slowly what you have got yourself involved in before you move any further forward, or it might be too late. No one, unless they are unhinged follows another couple around like they are, no one is THAT rude to someone' face for years on end without a very good reason.

Get to the bottom of this before deciding if you have a future with this strange man and his stalker friends. Is your dp paying his way? Is he on to a good thing financially meeting you? Are you equal in all things? What does he actually want?

I am not sure you know the full story or anything approaching and before you make a life with someone you do need to know exactly who they are.

Completely agree - be very careful- there is definitely much more to this.

I cannot for the life of me think why you have both continued to try and meet socially with these people.

"Why is any of this okay with him, wet lettuce or not, he has allowed another person to treat you so disrespectfully for TWO YEARS!! Anyone else would have called jealous wife out the first time she was rude, the second time would be the last time" I agree with all of this.

He doesn't even need to tell his friend about his wife's feelings for him. He could simply say, mate, your wife treats the person I love abysmally and I'm not spending time with you ever again while you think that behaviour is acceptable.

Are you going on holiday any time soon? As much as you don't want to not go out, I'd be going cold turkey for a month or so, never showing my face, in fact, get a rumour spread you are moving, and hope the pair of them bugger off back to their own area.

And consider why both of you have put up with her treatment towards you for so long

This just gets weirder.

OP,

Your boundaries are very poor that you have tolerated this and allowed your wimpy boyfriend to move in an bring this drama to your door.

I think it is unbelievably weird and god knows what the truth is.

Whatever it is, you are being made an awful fool of on your door step.

I think many women would have cut this wimp and his teenage drama loose.

Someone so wimpy is never going to make a good partner, particularly as you have such poor boundaries.

He has allowed his friends to behave badly towards you and intrude in your life several times a week.

Really unbelievable.

There's been some tough things to read here but I needed to read them. So thank you for the honest opinions.

You are all right about my boundaries. Everything people have thought, I've thought as well. And i normally have strong boundaries, I left my marriage when it got bad - but lockdowns and being isolated from regular life made me minimise this situation. And he saw it as so normal, it made me question myself. Deep down I've always thought there's more here than meets the eye but have no way of knowing the whole truth. As it all happened before me. He's always denied it and I wouldn't be able to access messages/emails etc - not sure id want to as if it gets bad enough to warrant it, then I'd need to split anyway.

I thought when he cut contact with her all those months ago - everything would be ok. And for a short period it was - they just didn't feature in our lives, so blissful. But they then started showing up here, and it feels much more intimidating than before. Like there's a game being played and everyone knows the rules but me. DP definitely doesn't like them being here, I trust that, but he doesn't fully accept they're weirdos. Always has a reason for WHY they've done the mad thing. After 3 years you'd think he'd stop being in denial.

It's only now I've realised it's actually a scary situation. Because she's just not getting over it, think she genuinely believes they're soulmates and I'm the blocker, and that sort of intense feeling never ends well. Also it just makes me miserable because I can see the real impact of DP not having a backbone. A poster said I have no one in my corner, and that's how I feel. And in a relationship I shouldn't feel like that, we are supposed to be a team. So I guess the real reason this situation upsets me is because DP still considers them friends. He just cut contact with her but obv she comes as a package with her H who is still in our lives.

I don't think I'd mind them being here as much if I was confident DP would tell them off or ignore them. He says he will now but I have doubts. It's affecting our relationship because I just resent him for bringing this crap into my life and not sorting it out. Lots to think about.

2 years, not 3

I think now you've spoken to him properly you need to give DP a chance that he will fix this.

This is mental.

Actually fruit loopiery. This weird couple are essentially stalking you in your home town. Weirdly the wife's husband is enabling this, I don't suppose they ever had a 3 way... I know you think it's all the wife but you mentioned photos on social media by H and frankly the sounds like something cooked up together.

Do you have any friends in common that knew the couple and your DP before you came on the scene ?

This is actually really scary tbh. I would listen to your instinct of danger.

Whether he agrees with me or not I know with complete certainty my DH has my back, we work as a team, always have done.

In your position, the most stark and hurtful realisation is that your DP doesn't have yours. He's knowingly and willingly, despite you spelling it out to him, ignored your feelings and impact on your life. He's responsible for all that you feel regarding this situation as he's allowed it to happen.
For that alone, having no support from him until you forced his hand, would be the immediate deal breaker.
You are spot on with your observation that's is a game the three of them play, to which you have no idea of the rules.

On reflection I agree with other posters.There is something deeply unsettling about the situation. If it were me I would want DP’s assurance that once again, they will no longer be featuring in your lives, and their absence will be permanent. But you’ve got to do what you need to do to feel comfortable.

This is so similar to a situation I had that I’m wondering if your DP is my ex. The couple were like this. And it turned out that my ex had not only had an affair with the woman, he’d that threesomes with the bloke there too.

that was five years ago and I’ve not had a relationship since. They were all so dysfunctional and gross.

It sounds plausible that is the back story @ashitghost Poor you having to put up with that.

Basically this weird couple liked their previous arrangement with the OP’s partner before he (inconveniently for them) started dating the OP. They want things to go back to how they were.

I might consider telling the pub managers what is happening.

I also think your guy needs to tell his “friend” that there presence so close to your home is weird and unwelcome.

Sorry you are going through this. It really sounds awful.