DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

You say they're creatures of habit - can you try going to pub A when you know they'll be doing their hobby at pub B and vice versa to try to avoid them as much as possible?

Otherwise if/when you see them I would just tone the interaction right down to the bare minimum. The woman doesn't like you, the husband and your DP are no longer close - what's the point in forcing an awkward conversation every time you see them. Just wave/nod briefly and then ignore them. If they come over you can be polite but brief. They've started the rudeness so don't feel you have to be overly polite and friendly to them. Hopefully they will get the point and even if they're in your area you won't have to interact with them much in future.

What thread are you reading? It's clearly not the same as everyone else is. It's not 'the local' to this couple. They are going out of their way to travel an hour there and back multiple times a week to a place they have no connection to other than the OP and her partner, who they also aren't that friendly with anymore.

I’d bloody laugh loudly in her face and kiss your DP every time I saw them, but i’m petty like that.

Honestly it sounds like she wants to create tension and drama because she’s been rejected and is jealous of you. Id ignore then entirely, so what if she shoots you evils? Just ignore or do my idea of laughing at her

God ok i should have wrote “his local“ the point remains what an odd response.

Dp needs to talk/message the H
'Hi we've managed to bump into you both in our local pubs x times recently. I'm very confused as to why our local pubs have suddenly become your favourites especially when your wife can't be civil to OP. We won't be changing our habits but you'll understand why we won't be coming over to say hi'

Go everywhere you want to, tell your mates how weird it is, and be super happy when they're there. (And get a ring doorbell..(

And what do you mean not friendly with anyone, she clearly states her boyfriend is friendly with them when he sees them and act like it’s all good

do you mean not friendly with anyone other than her boyfriend?

in a polite voice - in front of her husband - ask her. “You seem to have a problem with me Weird Wife and struggle to be civil to me and I’m not sure why as other than dating DP I haven’t done anything to offend you?”. If she bullshits ask her straight up if it’s because she still has a thing for DP and he rebuffed her as surely it can’t be that as that would be petty behaviour…

if they can’t both be civil to you then DP has to make a decision. He confronts the issue with team both together - or you both just treat them like they are strangers in your local.

stop letting the situation go on with the wife. DP needs to have a word with his mate and ask him what the issue is as it’s fucking weird. What are you betting that it’s the weird wife’s idea to all of a sudden hang out in your local pubs so she can still see your DP…

I actually think you should speak to them in the pub. Choose a moment when they are both together and you have dp with you. Go over (with dp) with big smile on your face and say something like "hello [odd woman and odd man], I keep seeing you in here and [pub B], have you moved from [their area] to here? I cant work out why you keep coming over here to drink when you've got so many nice places walking distance from your house, suddenly realised you must have moved here! Where have you moved to?"

It is very hard to ignore you if you directly speak to you (she might, would he not answer?). If they haven't moved, you can follow up with "well why are you coming all this way for a drink? It seems a bit crazy! You can see why we were wondering. Why are you coming all this way?"

Time to cut contact with both of them.

I hardly think it is comfortable with everyone knowing but the husband, my instincts are that your dp and her continued their affair well into her marriage and he has stopped seeing her when things became serious with you. Now she is dreaming up ways to see your dp by turning up at the pubs closest to you. She is two steps away from being a bunny boiler.

She is livid dp has found a life with you. I would not have these people in my life from now on. Tell dh it is too awkward and see other friends.

I get her motive but what a sap her DP enabling it!

Very Weird.

Have name changed mid thread OP?

Name change fail! - reposting for anyone who checks for only OP comments

Thank you for all the comments. My gut feel has been that she just wants to bump into him/be around him and for me to feel so awkward that I stay home and leave them all to hang out. Which is kinda working as I'm very non confrontational and hate unpleasant situations like this. I just retreat. But DP is definitely on my side so her tactic is not working...

Trouble is they seem to be increasing time here, not getting bored like I thought they would. They first came here 5 months ago, and invited us. I thought maybe they were trying to make peace. No. She didn't say a word the whole evening, face like thunder and didn't even say goodbye when we left. I thought that would be it - surely NO ONE would want a repeat of that. No. They started coming every week, inviting us but we stopped going. They then made some friends in the pub (the H is v extroverted) and increased it to twice a week. Then started going to the second pub on weekends. Even celebrated their birthday here! I bumped into them one afternoon going for a run and it's made me so cross now as I resent this constant hostility in my life.

I understand why she would want to do it, she did have feelings after all. I can't fathom why her H agrees to it. He's still in touch with DP and tries to organise things (all in my area) and can't seem to fathom why it's awkward! I can't stress how plain these pubs are - honestly, outside of the locals no one would even know of. I can't fathom what he thinks her rationale is!

I think DP is going to have to talk to H but obv that's a weird convo. How do you tell someone, "your wife is in love with me. Please stop pretending like everything is normal and we're all best friends and you suddenly love this area you hadn't even heard of till recently"

I understand why she would want to do it, she did have feelings after all

You need to call time on this. She is going to pursue him and try and get rid of you. Maybe her dh knows, most likely he doesn't. Either way she wants to see the back of you, and it sounds like she is winning if you are retreating.

Dp needs to fade them both out, this will be a show of strength in your relationship, or they could restart where they left off in time - and certainly will if she has anything to do with it. Go elsewhere for evenings out, stop seeing them and dp should cut them off. It is messed up anyway, and I am not sure why you would want this in your life.

Dp doesnt need to say anything, just fade them out slowly but firmly. Stop replying to texts and say you are too busy with x,y and z to meet up.

If dp is adamant about staying in touch that is when you need to worry. Doesn't sound like he is bothered.

This or a variation of this. Sorry I also dont think, like another pp above, that your DP is as squeaky clean as you do!

"But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything."
That's not an accident, it's their - or at least, her - intention to upset you.

"My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward."
Yes he can think of a reason (to make you uncomfortable), he just doesn't want to admit to himself that that's their reason because then he'd have to face up to doing something about it (like asking them why the fuck they've travelled to your village) and he really doesn't want to face that.

"H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious."
I'm wondering if he's a very good actor or a very good poker player. I am wondering just what his wife has told him. There's two possibilities in my opinion -

• It wasn't that she fancied your DP. Maybe she's made up some guff about worrying about him so far from his old life and has somehow persuaded her husband that they come and check he's OK.


• it was that she fancied your DP. And Her H is 'punishing' her whilst keeping his poker face on to you and DP.

"None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly."
Now that looks very much like an 'in' to me. A place to start, next time you bump into them. Say hello to her to ensure that she snubs you visibly. Turn to her "always friendly" husband and ask him straight -

'Why do you both travel so far out of your way to come here when your wife clearly doesn't want to talk to me? Does she dislike me so much that she gets pleasure from being openly rude to me? Or is it you who wants to come here, to rub her face in the fact that <DP's name> has a girlfriend and isn't interested in her?'

This is a statement GUARANTEED to set the cat amongst the pigeons. The fallout will be nuclear. But sometimes, nuclear is called for.

A less nuclear option would be, when you enter a pub and see them, to announce very loudly -
"Oh look darling, your STALKERS are here! Shall we go over and get her rudeness to me over and done with, and then enjoy the rest of the evening?"

I might start with the 'stalkers' comment and possibly proceed to the 'why are you here' depending on their reaction to the first.

Because frankly, they're not going to change their behaviour (invading your home turf) until you change your (meekly accepting their behaviour).

My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this

Surely it’s so they can see your DP.

It sounds like the 3 of them were pretty inseparable, lived next to each other and did everything together so the H is trying to make and effort by doing things where DP lives now.

I don’t think there’s anything malicious in it. He’s just not very good at it.

Be friendly and polite but if the gf is being rude then obviously don’t speak to her.

I feel sorry for your DP and H in this and it sounds like they need to spend some time alone together without their partners.

PLEASE don't stop going out. Then she wins. I'd be absolutely brazen. Gush over them, pay lots of attention to her, ask her loads of questions. Bring over your friends and family to meet them. Get your DP to stay quiet / out of the way except for when he's hugging you or gazing adoringly into your eyes. His only topic of conversation should be how brilliant and amazing you are and how happy he is with you.

Ask lots of faux concerned questions "how are you, you look so tired, are you feeling well?"; "you're here again? You must be desperate for something to do". etc. etc.

I’m sure there hasn’t been, but this would make me wonder if anything more had been going on between your DP & this woman before you got together? Because her reaction is pretty extreme.
Which could be what she wants? Invades your territory, introduces doubt into your mind about your relationship? Either way she’s a weird game player who isn’t taking his rejection of her lying down. I don’t think she’s literally trying to seduce him, more like retaliating in some way to spoil something you have, or take it away from you. She clearly doesn’t like the fact that you’ve come along & taken away from her the 10 years of attention she’s had from your DP, albeit in a purely platonic way. Do you know how she reacted to any of your DP’s previous partners he had before meeting you & did she accept them as his partner? Or has she in her eyes had him all to herself all this time?? People can play all kind of weird territorial games.

I’m with PP’s on this - don’t let her intimidate you into losing any of your enjoyment of what is your local space. This is your territory not hers. Assert your dominance & fill your friends in on her behaviour/backstory. You don’t want her inveigling her way in to your life & social circle & causing damage. She’s playing power/mind games & is not welcome. Your DH may need to go NC with her husband because he seems oblivious to her antics/is enabling them.

Sounds a bit dramatic but that’s my take on it! Good luck

@Fullsomefrenchie by 'not that friendly anymore' (and i said anymore not anyone by the way, if you are going to try to quote me at least use the right word) I mean exactly what I said and what the OP has insinuated - 'barely sees his friend anymore'. They don't go out of their way to hang out with this couple as much as they used to anymore. Your response is the odd one.

I think you've made the same mistake that I initially did. I had to read the OP a couple of times to get the sense of it.

Where it reads "H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious." ? I first read 'H' to be OP's partner - but it's actually the husband of the couple.

There's not much you can do about it, really. I mean, your DP could say to his friend "your wife told me she has feelings for me" and the friend might be upset enough to never come near your DP again. But other than that they're just coming to the pub to do the hobby, not to see you two, so you can't really tell them to stop.

Mmm, it is all so odd and extreme, are you sure your DP and her haven’t had a fling and then he spurned her? That would make the situation more understandable…sorry 🙈

I did consider that maybe they had a fling. Not because I don't trust him but because her reaction has been so extreme. It's been like this for over 2 years, was a lot worse when they were in regular contact actually, but still doesn't seem to be getting better..

I've asked him about it and he's always maintained he only ever liked her as a friend, never felt any attraction. His ex-es and I all have a certain look, and are a certain personality type, and she's the polar opposite of both things. So I can't see him fancying her. Of course I know it's still possible, friendship can grow feelings etc. But I always chose to believe him so don't want to get suspicious yet. Haven't seen any evidence to suggest it.

Whatever the reason, PPs are right - they seem to be getting more involved in the local community and I can't stop it. The reason we can't just ignore them is because H and DP are still friends, and do occasionally hang out (alone) and also share a larger social network. I've spent 2 years smiling and being polite through her snubs, DP then cut contact with her and I thought it was all ok. But now she's here and still snubbing me and I'm so fed up. Also the H can't go anywhere without her, she doesn't have many friends of her own so tags along often. I'm more than happy to let DP and H do their own thing, and even encourage it. But then DP would show up thinking it's just him and H, and she'd be there. Obv then awkward as I wasn't invited. That's why he's stopped seeing H much.

I think I'm going to just ask the H point blank when I see them, why they're here so frequently given his wife still can't be in a room with me. And also that I don't understand her hostility towards me - surely if we're all in the same places we need to sort this. Won't say anything about her convo with DP but I can gauge why H thinks his wife doesn't talk to me.