DP's friends are being odd

[wallsareclosingin]

Trying to understand what is going on here if anything.

DP is friends with a couple for over a decade - started off being friends with H and then got close to the wife as well. However, it transpired that the wife had always had romantic feelings for my DP and it all came to the fore once he and I started going out. I don't think her H knows, but he may well do, either way they still seem happy together. She however, has refused to talk to me, and ignores me or turns away when she sees me at all gatherings. It got awkward to the point my DP tried to speak to her, but she then clumsily admitted feelings and they cut contact. H and DP still hang out though, they've just never talked about the reason for the fall out with the wife - this happened 9 months ago.

DP recently moved in with me (he used to live next to them), and I don't live particularly close to the couple. It's an hour long bus ride!

Their area is buzzy and closer to the city centre, mine is quiet and residential. This is relevant. The couple are creatures of habit, and have spent the last 10 years always visiting the same few places in their neighbourhood - used to be with DP until he met me. However, for the last few months (since DP moved in) they are in my local pub (which is a few mins walk from me) every week! They have also now started participating in a hobby group in my pub, it's a hobby that is also done at pubs close to them. They've also now started frequenting my other local pub, which is also just a few mins away from me. So they are within 100m of my home 2-3 times a week. They've always known how much time I spend at these pubs with my friends, so of course they're going to bump into us.

None of this would be an issue if things were cordial, except that the wife still hates me and ignores DP. We have bumped into them a few times and she snubs me visibly. H is always friendly but acts like there's no problem even though the tension is so obvious. But it is so awkward and unpleasant and it's making me dread ever going to my local pubs or even just being out and about because THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE! I feel suffocated by their presence and frustrated as I can't do anything. My DP is equally irritated as he cannot think of any reason they've chosen this - they didn't know anyone else here, and he doesn't even meet them when they're over because it's awkward.

It makes no sense - I understand they can go anywhere they want but why hang out in the backyard of the woman you hate when there's a million and one other places to be at in the city! AIBU in thinking this isn't just a coincidence???

Also- why has her husband not noticed how rudely she treats you? If my H was deliberately ignoring someone so obviously in public, I'd be asking him why. I find this incredible that he simply hasnt noticed her weird behaviour!

Did you go to the pub last night OP? She sounds awful. Don’t let her get to you.

How are you managing not to laugh in their faces and ask what on earth they're doing in your local again?

After 2 years of her nonsense I would be having a conversation with her and her husband - with your DP present!

Get this nonsense out in the open and finished. No more pussy footing around her and her snubbing you and the husband being an ostrich.

Enough!

Or frankly 'oh look DP, it's our stalkers again!'

Don’t have kids with your DP until he finds a backbone and tells this pair to stop stalking you and to tell both of them that he doesn’t return wife’s feelings.

You’ll end up stuck at home doing childcare, while the weird throuple are having fun and games at your local.

Yes it might end his friendship with H, but H and his wife are behaving terribly towards you. If your DP had said something right from the start it maybe could have been salvaged. By letting it go on for 2 years there’s no way it can. You can’t ever now go for a drink as a 4 all buddy like.

Indeed. I was going to say 'so get on and have a baby, if you're planning to, and move on to the next phase of your lives'. But the image that instantly came to mind was you at home with the baby, your DP in the pub with this pair.

Your husbands response is flaky. He’s just trying to keep you sweet so you don’t mention it again. This has been going on for too long. They need to be called out. I don’t think saying hi and ignoring them will resolve a thing.

Ask them?

gish you’re here again, why are you traveling so far to visit my local?

seems strange when you can barely speak to me

I think they had a three way thing going. Her dh is a cuck.
Tell your dh to be honest with you

Exactly what I was going to suggest! Rise above it. She'll look like a complete bitch to everyone present. It worked for me when someone in my social group fancied me and his GF tried to freeze me out. People started to ask why she was being so awful. She eventually had to at least play nice, regardless of how she felt.

And you will look like the better person, while the wife will look like a complete bitch.

I'd love to know what her husband thinks of her behaviour. Surely he noticed she was blanking you?

All of this.

I would be getting the Ick for your partner who has allowed this to continue.

I think he is a wimp and is allowing his friend and his wife harrass you.

I would not be one to say friend or me, but I would be in this case.

Stop being understanding.
Tell him this is deal breaker stuff.
Maybe you will need to get rid of your partner to get rid of them.

Yes I agree too actually. I think you’ve been more than patient. It’s looking like stalking and your DP is doing nothing about it.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but I would put money on your DP having had a romantic or sexual entanglement with this woman at some point: probably prior to your having met him. My gut tells me he hasn't been totally honest with you.

She clearly believes that she and he are meant to be together and for whatever reason he hasn't done enough to disabuse her of the idea. There's no other explanation for this behaviour, which most people would find excruciating. I simply can't believe that its a coincidence and I also don't think they would have carried on doing this 2-3 times a week just to make a point.

What her H makes of it I can only guess at and my assumption would be that he knows, either officially or just deep down feels it, but is in love with her and doesn't want to rock the boat.

Your DP needs to confront this with them, either individually or together and if he won't do it you need to ask yourself why he's not. I know some men shy away from this sort of confrontation but he is enabling this and if he isn't tackling it I suspect he's enjoying it at some level.

Come on OP you are a grown woman. Continue going to your favourite pubs. When they are there you say hi, how are you doing, then move on and do whatever you were planning to do. Don't let one crazy woman spoil it for you. So what she is hostile, who cares?

I'm one of those who thinks there must have been something going on previously involving your partner. Maybe he was a 'third' in their relationship at some point, maybe they have an open relationship, maybe they're into cuckolding?? All of those scenarios could explain her catching feelings and also why the husband is apparently unbothered/going along with her pursuing your partner.

Woke up feeling quite cross. Posters are right that this friendship is not at all salvageable. DP is incredibly non confrontational (frustrating on its own) but then so am I, however when it comes to protecting people I love my lioness instinct kicks in. He has been a wet lettuce around this tbh. The reason he hasn't done anything is because he was still under the illusion we will all become friends one day. So I had to break the news to him - after 2 years and all the hostility, no chance.

Told DP that I don't want this couple in my life in any way - not even the H. Because as nice as H is, and as long-standing a friendship it is, he's enabling his wife's obsessive behaviour. And always has tbh. Honestly, I've never seen anyone struggle this hard to hide their feelings/get over someone - DP and I have had more amicable and less awkward interactions with my exH and his new partner!! Also it's too weird that none of them are acknowledging WHY wife and DP don't talk, WHY wife hates me. Her snubs are not subtle - getting up and walking out when I approach, not responding to my greeting, bitchy comments etc. Why on earth would the H think DP and I are still going to hang out with them!! It's madness. Also annoyed at myself I've not said anything before - I'm quite fiery normally but because of H and DP's friendship, I didn't want to wreck it unless absolutely necessary.

Told him I'm not going to be part of this charade that protects wife anymore. And if he drags his feet having a convo with H, the next time they are here I will do it myself. I've lived here for 8 years long before I met DP, first place I ever bought, and it's my sanctuary - if I'd known having DP move in would bring these crazies to my door, I never would have. Incidentally the reason also that DP moved here rather than me to his is because the couple live next to him and I couldn't abide being that close to them.... jokes on me.

DP and H were best friends so I empathise with him, and definitely do not think anything romantic happened with wife. However, he does agree that they became far too emotionally close and even though H encouraged it (so weird!) - it's the reason for her feelings and this mess. She has tried to break up his previous relationships too but because those were likely to end anyway, it just looked like she was being a good friend. Whatever her or H's reasons though, not my problem. They can live their crazy, bizarre marriage drama at home, 1 hour away from me.

DP has agreed to all of it, and said that he finds it too stressful to talk to H now anyway, it's this cloud over them constantly and wife is obv not taking the hint. Trouble is we can't control whether they come here or not but hopefully cutting all contact will kill the incentive. Of course, they could be so petty that they carry on knowing we hate it...

A poster asked how they know where/when we’ll be somewhere. They don’t. They just show up multiple times a week knowing at some point they will see us. Also she follows the pubs social media so knows the events we are likely to go to as well. We know when they’ve been as H posts on social media with location. They never actually tell us themselves - which is the giveaway it’s not a friendly visit.

Recently H has started posting very posed/coy photos of his wife on this social media. Just to say it's a hobby specific social media and the only people active on it are H and DP - wife is not even on it!! So why the hell is she posing for photos, and H posting them where only my DP will see...It is actually a bit scary to go to all this effort!

God it sounds utterly dysfunctional and weird OP.
I'm glad your DP seems to understand that you need to get away from them.
You may need to hold his feet to the fire about following through on this and make clear that if he won't tackle it within a certain timeframe, you will.

I'm sorry but I think your DP has a duty to tell his supposed friend that his wife has been hitting on him. How on earth can he just hang out with this bloke and act as if everything is normal? I would be DISGUSTED if one of my close friend's husband continually came on to me and I'd have to say something to my friend. What they do with that information is up to them but if it were me, I would want to know if my partner was coming on to my friends. This whole scenario is weird as heck and the fact your DP just carries on as normal is even weirder.

Wow good one you OP for getting the fire in your belly to take action over this!!
So she’s actively tried to split previous exes of his up - so her emotional attachment to him has been going on for what 10years?? From her actions she doesn’t sound like she’s going to let go easily. Has your DP promised to show you if she tries to make contact with him directly??

Really plsd your not going to take being disrespected any more by her or your DP or her H for that matter over it. I wld get screenshots of her msgs to your DP declaring her love etc because they cld come in handy for exposing /confronting her H with it. Nasty I know but may be the only way. Good luck!

Well done for putting your foot down, OP. I do hope your DP sticks to this as those two are quite simply weird! It can't feel nice having them intrude on your space like that.

Yikes, this is terrifying. Unless the H has cognitive issues, he can't have not noticed.

Part of me wonders if he thinks a threesome (him, his wife and your DP) will satisfy her urge and she might get over it and stay with him. Maybe that's what they're after and he's wants to keep his marriage so will go along it to please her.

The photo thing 🤢🤮

Euww photo thing just re - read that. Maybe she’s convinced the H sap that you’re no good for DP & they’ve got to get him away from you like the good responsible friends that they are. So are posting weird reminders pics of her letting him know they’re still there for him to escape to & they will rescue him. What’s the H been like towards you in the past?? I wld be wanting to ask his other friends about her thing for him too. Away from your DP.