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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL didn't accept Mother's Day gift

258 replies

Gina97 · 09/05/2022 21:02

So I got my MIL a $25 Starbucks gift card for Mother's Day. We have a newborn so I wanted to get her something easy. She came by yesterday and when I went to give her the gift she told me and my husband that she didn't like Starbucks and didn't take the gift. I didn't make a big deal of it but am I right in thinking that this is insanely rude?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gina97 · 09/05/2022 22:28

ShandaLear · 09/05/2022 22:19

It’s rude, but that’s an insanely shit gift. I’d have been deeply hurt to have received that. It’s just as easy to send a bouquet, a plant, or a box of chocolates, or some perfume she likes, (and all these things can be ordered from Amazon so no big effort) than something that screams, ‘I can’t be arsed about you’.

I guess I'm one of those people who really enjoys a Starbucks probably because it's one of the only coffee shops nearby so I didn't think it was really that bad of a gift. I'm also the kind of person who would accept a shit gift for the sake of being appreciative. But honestly my husband and I did not expect the gift to offend her in any way.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 09/05/2022 22:28

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 22:08

What is this massive big deal about being the one who physically buys a gift for a mother in law? Gift vouchers are often a good gift for both my mum and my mother in law (easy to post). Often my husband is the one who physically gets the gift card (on his way home from work), I'm the one who often buys cards (as in birthday cards) because I am more likely to be going near Card Factory than he is. He usually is the one who actually puts them in the post box because there is one next to the railway station he commutes from.
It would be a right pain in the bum if we did the gift buying separately. I would have to make a specific trip to a shop that he passes every day. Why would I do that? I would have to make a specific walk to a post box that he walks past every day.
We are married. We sort gift buying out together. Sometimes I will go to a shop to get something specific for my mother in law, sometimes my husband does it for my mum (or sister). Depends what we are buying and which one of us is more likely to go to specific shops.
The OP said she bought the vouchers for her mum and mother in law at the same time (husband agreeing that they thought his mum would like it). Should the OP only bought the one? She was there...in Starbucks. Should she have gone home and said "I only got my mum's one, you will have to make a journey to a cafe I was literally just in because I can't possibly get 2 at the same time?"

It isn't simply the fact OP physically got the card.

If OP had said - DH wanted to get MiL a Starbucks card for Mother's Day because he thought she'd like it and we needed something easy as we have a new baby. I picked one up when I got my DM the same. But when DH gave it to MiL she said she doesn't like Starbucks (DH knows she goes in there all the time) and refused to take it. He didn't make a scene but I think he's upset. AIBU to think MiL was insanely rude? - I don't think there would have been any of the "Why are you buying your MiL a Mother's Day present.

The way OP wrote about it it sounded like a gift from her, she thought of the idea, got the card, reacted to the refusal and posted about it as though it were personal between her and MiL, not DH and MiL. She didn't mention her DH's reaction at all.

The whole thing sits very firmly in that wifework rut that so many women on here hate being subjected to - both as the (non) receiver of effort from their male loved ones and as the wives that fill the gaps. And I imagine a lot of women would be disappointed to think their son's couldn't be arsed to think of them even for Mother's day and instead left it up to their wife who had just given birth herself to do it all.

ResidentHortensia · 09/05/2022 22:28

ShandaLear · 09/05/2022 22:19

It’s rude, but that’s an insanely shit gift. I’d have been deeply hurt to have received that. It’s just as easy to send a bouquet, a plant, or a box of chocolates, or some perfume she likes, (and all these things can be ordered from Amazon so no big effort) than something that screams, ‘I can’t be arsed about you’.

I'd much rather have the gift card than flowers or chocolates tbh.

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 22:32

@ShandaLear if it had been me and my husband the conversation might have been along the lines of...
Me (one phone) : "I'm in Starbucks and was gonna get a voucher for my mum for mothers day, shall I get one for your mum too?"
Husband : "Oh yes that would be a good idea. Thanks"
Honestly people make such a song and dance about gift giving.

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 22:35

@NumberTheory but how would the Mother in law know that the OP was the one who physically bought the gift card? How would she know that it wasn't her son who picked it up?

FabFitFifties · 09/05/2022 22:36

As you have admitted MIL is usually appreciative of presents, including home baked goodies, I think YABU to make a big deal out of this. Unless she threw it back at you and said how dare you insult me, you poor excuse for a DIL? You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Marvellousmadness · 09/05/2022 22:37

She sounds. Like a.....

Marvellousmadness · 09/05/2022 22:38

I think fab fit 50s might be your MIL 🤣

your mil is disrespectful and rude. I wouldnt get her anything next year and let your dh handle it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2022 22:43

She's your DH's mother, not yours. Why are you buying the gift?

And if she didn't like it then use it yourself. But $25 on coffee? Blimey.

Threeboysandadog · 09/05/2022 22:46

I’m probably about the same age as the MIL and I love being given a gift card. All our spare money goes on stuff for our teenager, which I don’t grudge, but it’s so nice to be able to choose something or go for a coffee, something just for me. I think it’s a lovely gift and I’m sorry she didn’t appreciate it. Enjoy your coffee and your newborn.

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 22:47

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy you can get more than coffee in Starbucks !!
So if husband had been the one who was actually in Starbucks and bought the 2 vouchers would you be asking him "why are you getting your MIL a mother's day gift...not your mum... it's your wife's mum...blah blah blah"

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 09/05/2022 22:52

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 09/05/2022 21:29

I don't understand why people are saying you can't buy the mother in law the gift? I buy for both grans. Husband family is my family and goes the other way too once married

This! It's drives me mad on MN when people say things like this

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2022 22:53

@Needmorelego Oh please stop being so patronising. Blah blah blah...

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 23:00

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy well you were a bit patronising first by repeating something that people were saying 4 pages ago.
And the whole "$25 on coffee". Surely everyone knows you can buy plenty of other things than coffee from Starbucks.
You just made yourself sound silly.
Sorry...but you did.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2022 23:07

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2022 22:43

She's your DH's mother, not yours. Why are you buying the gift?

And if she didn't like it then use it yourself. But $25 on coffee? Blimey.

Oh do at least read ops posts if you cba to read anything else

Sswhinesthebest · 09/05/2022 23:11

If she really didn’t like Starbucks then I don’t think there is anything wrong with her not accepting it so that you guys could get some use of it. We’d do that in our family and no one would take offence. We’d appreciate the thought.

But

If she does like Starbucks but it’s because she just thinks it’s a shit gift, well, that’s just shit! And unappreciative.

Needmorelego · 09/05/2022 23:16

@Gina97 I think next weekend you and your husband should take the baby to Starbucks and use the voucher to buy the nicest cake they have and your favourite drink and the next time you see mil say sweetly "oh we had the most delicious cake using that voucher you didn't want. Shame you didn't want it...the cake was fantastic"
(Or as this is Mumsnet - get your husband to say it...😂)

Wintersgirl · 09/05/2022 23:16

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 21:33

I can't believe the insults being thrown at MIL. She was given something she didn't want and politely handed it back.

Isn't that what DILs are constantly told to do here when handed unwanted gifts?

I am always upfront about things I don't want. I 1. Don't want the clutter, 2. Don't want the person to waste their money and 3. Don't want them to repeatedly get it and them again waste even more money.

You've now got a Starbucks voucher. Enjoy it. You said she was appreciative for of your previous gifts so she isn't some horrible woman who's impossible to please. This just wasn't for her.

What an odd thought that you can't openly communicate with your nearest family.

It's not polite to give back a gift though is it? Even if you don't like it, it just makes the person who gave the gift feel like crap, it's a shitty thing to do imo. For Christ's sake it's coffee and cake, not a night out with a male escort...

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/05/2022 23:17

Love the outraged post ‘$25 to spend on coffee’ !!! Sounds like a co worker of mine. It screams ‘in my day we paid 20p for a Nescafé instant in th’ local greasy spoon once every three years when we had our tri-annual social outing to a muddy field and were grateful! And buying cake! I can make nicer cake for 4p a slice! This is why millenials can’t afford houses!’ And the person always makes shit cake 😩😬

you know you can use a Starbucks card over multiple visits. So 5 x $5 coffee/tea/cake purchases over a year or so. Hardly the spend of the century.

*misses point of thread

Herejustforthisone · 09/05/2022 23:19

The relentless condescending derailers on these threads are so tedious.

The OP probably bought the gift because in real life, sometimes that happens. Fuck sake.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/05/2022 23:19

@AskingforaBaskin what an odd thought that you’d refuse to accept a gift a family member has thoughtfully chosen because you think it would be ‘clutter’ or YOU think they’re wasting THEIR OWN money. None of your business what they spend their money on! How big headed can you be.

Marcipex · 09/05/2022 23:21

Yes she is rude.
I wouldn’t appreciate a Starbucks voucher because it would be an enormous hike to reach a Starbucks. I’m assuming that isn’t the case for her .

Cactuslove · 09/05/2022 23:22

Give the gift card to your sister. Next time she sees your MIL in Starbucks she can say 'oh don't worry about paying I have your gift card here from Gina97 for mothers day' 🤣

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/05/2022 23:23

@Herejustforthisone I know I don’t know how people on here function in relationships in real life. I actually think people who say this stuff about DH’s being the only ones who can purchase MIL’s gifts etc are actually single or don’t have in laws or whatever because in what universe is it weird to say, be in a supermarket in front of the Mother’s Day cards and chocs, ring your DH and say ‘I’m in Asda, shall I grab a card and Lindors for your mum as well as mine?’. That’s sensible and efficient, time and fuel wise! Imagine your DH says ‘no I want to choose the card and gift carefully myself, this is MY MUM, not yours, you horrible woman!’ It would just never happen 🤣🤣

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 23:23

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/05/2022 23:19

@AskingforaBaskin what an odd thought that you’d refuse to accept a gift a family member has thoughtfully chosen because you think it would be ‘clutter’ or YOU think they’re wasting THEIR OWN money. None of your business what they spend their money on! How big headed can you be.

It is none of my business. But it is my business if I have to accept it.

It's not rude to say Thank you for the thought but I won't have any use for this maybe you could enjoy it or register it where it will be better suited.

This has worked wonders for me because now I don't have a bunch of stuff I don't want and I actually enjoy receiving gifts.

Because gift giving is supposed to be about the person getting the gift. Whole point of the thing.