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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL didn't accept Mother's Day gift

258 replies

Gina97 · 09/05/2022 21:02

So I got my MIL a $25 Starbucks gift card for Mother's Day. We have a newborn so I wanted to get her something easy. She came by yesterday and when I went to give her the gift she told me and my husband that she didn't like Starbucks and didn't take the gift. I didn't make a big deal of it but am I right in thinking that this is insanely rude?

OP posts:
AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 01:05

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 23:32

Self-centered? For not wanting people to waste their money? Because that's what an unwanted gift is

I've told people to please not get me anything when u genuinely don't want anything.
It's laughable how honesty makes some people horrified.
Imagine being so fragile

Show quote history

No, it's not "just being honest", it's being very rude.

A lot of people confuse honesty with blurting out whatever is on your mind but that is just poor emotional intelligence, nothing to be proud of. It is very possible to be honest and polite.

I don't go to Starbucks either but I would say and it would be genuine, Thank you so much, that was very kind and I appreciate you thinking of me. Then I would either go to Starbucks with a friend and enjoy it for what it was, or quietly pass the gift card to someone who loves Starbucks. See, I haven't been dishonest or rude.

Ottersmith · 10/05/2022 01:40

It's probably because you aren't her daughter. Her some should have given her a gift. Is it the 50s?

alltheteeshirts · 10/05/2022 01:42

Gina97 · 10/05/2022 01:04

I think that she could've been more tactful in how she approached it. Instead of essentially saying this is a "shit gift" as it has been so fondly referred in the thread, she could've explained her refusal. I still stand by a gift is a gift. I have given many incredibly thoughtful gifts and plenty less personal gifts but I've never had someone refuse to take one.

Show quote history

It's not a random gift. She's a woman over a certain age and this for a special occasion.

If she'd accepted the easy gift card this time, admit it, you'd have bought her a Starbucks gift card next year, wouldn't you? 'That was easier to sort last year than flowers and she seemed to like it. I'll just pick up another gift card next time I'm out.'

If she doesn't like Starbucks, saying no now is heading off you spending money on something she doesn't want on an annual basis. It is a bit curious though that you say she's been seen in there - is it out of her way? Does she go with a group of friends who like Starbucks and she loses the group veto?

sashh · 10/05/2022 01:53

Pocahontas9000 · 09/05/2022 21:42

I think coffee shop giftcards are a great gift, and everyone I've ever given them to has been delighted. You're basically giving someone the gift of an afternoon with a friend or loved one over a lovely piece of cake and a hot drink. What's not to love?

The coffee.

Starbucks coffee is terrible, and I don't want to eat cake without coffee.

I was given a voucher, I gave it away to someone who does like their coffee.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2022 02:03

I wonder if its part jealousy because she is not the only mother in the family now, you are one too and your husband should (and I hope, did) get you a gift etc. She may well hate the fact that she now has to share "her" special day with you.

Then couple that with the fact that she likes time and effort spent on her (in the form of home made gifts) and it not happening because of the fact that you are now a mother yourself.....she may have a baggy arse about it all and spat her dummy.

Very childish either way, and not at all understanding of your current circumstances but ime people like that only care about their own struggles, and want to come first regardless of what is going on in other peoples lives.

Rosehugger · 10/05/2022 02:29

^I can't believe the insults being thrown at MIL. She was given something she didn't want and politely handed it back.

Isn't that what DILs are constantly told to do here when handed unwanted gifts?^

No.

You don't hand gifts back, if unwanted you thank the person graciously and pass them on to someone else. It wasn't a great gift but it was hardly a slightly out of date packet of biscuits from the back of the cupboard.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2022 03:14

No DIL’s are not told to politely accept gifts. They’re told constantly they’re lucky to get gifts at all and it’s grabby to expect or want gifts.

sounds like MIL was in a pissy mood and took it out on you.

there’s manners in accepting a gift graciously, even if you don’t like it. She could have told her son later she doesn’t want gift cards at a later date. But it’s incredibly rude and hurtful to refuse to accept a gift.

I’d not bother with getting her gifts in future. Certainly wouldn’t bother with going to the trouble of making anything for her in future. You’ve just had a baby, presumably both you and your husband are plenty busy with your new baby and this was an easy gift for new parents to give.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2022 03:35

So I got my MIL a $25 Starbucks gift card for Mother's Day. We have a newborn so I wanted to get her something easy. She came by yesterday and when I went to give her the gift she told me and my husband that she didn't like Starbucks and didn't take the gift. I didn't make a big deal of it but am I right in thinking that this is insanely rude?

What's wrong with this picture?

Answer below...

JustSoStory · 10/05/2022 03:38

Lots of people don't like the coffee and disagree with Starbucks generally. I wouldn't use the card so wouldn't accept it either.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2022 03:39

Answer:

MIL isn't your mother, @Gina97 .

Your DH should have got your MIL something for Mothers' Day.

Next year you can get your own mother a gift (if she's still with you, apologies if not) and your H can find something acceptable for his mother.

DO NOT get sucked into being your H's PA.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2022 03:42

Typically I will bake her cookies for birthdays and whatnot and she typically appreciates that...

Stop that dead in its tracks. Your H can choose an appropriate gift and send it 'Love from OP and DH, xoxo'. She's his mother, not yours.

cushioncovers · 10/05/2022 03:45

What did your Dh say when your Mil refused the gift op?

It was rude of her to refuse the gift.

Original poster
Gina97 · 10/05/2022 03:59

cushioncovers · 10/05/2022 03:45

What did your Dh say when your Mil refused the gift op?

It was rude of her to refuse the gift.

He sort of brushed it off like it was no big deal. I think he is pretty accustomed to her rude behavior. This certainly isn't the first time that she has done things that I considered rude or hurtful and he does typically brush it off. For that reason I felt the need to start the thread because maybe I am overly sensitive.

OP posts:
SpiritRidingFree · 10/05/2022 04:00

The OP has said that MIL has been seen in Starbucks. And she was getting a card for her own mum so why not get MIL while she’s there. My husband and I do things like this for each other all the time, because we’re all family.

Giving the card back was rude. No two ways about it. There are a million things you can get from Starbucks, types of tea and coffee galore, hot choc, fruity drinks, icees, lunch stuff, cakes and pastries. Or even re-gift the card (although MIL has been seen in Starbucks so she must like something there). A simple “thank you” to her son and daughter in law who have a newborn wouldn’t have hurt.

MIL has a chip on her shoulder about something, but that’s not on OP at all. How a harmless Starbucks card could cause a problem is beyond me. OP has a newborn, and still made an effort, and she sounds like a nice person. I don’t get all the hate about a gift card.

UnsuitableHat · 10/05/2022 04:10

Yeah I think this is rude. I can understand tactfully saying later (eg to DH) that you didn’t want something so that the giver doesn’t waste their money again. But not returning it at the time. Guess the lesson is to ask her what she wants in future or just not get anything at all.

Original poster
Gina97 · 10/05/2022 04:14

UnsuitableHat · 10/05/2022 04:10

Yeah I think this is rude. I can understand tactfully saying later (eg to DH) that you didn’t want something so that the giver doesn’t waste their money again. But not returning it at the time. Guess the lesson is to ask her what she wants in future or just not get anything at all.

The lack of taste in how she did it is what makes me think that she was being more intentionally hurtful not that she had a legitimate problem with the gift

OP posts:
Vikinga · 10/05/2022 05:38

If she goes to Starbucks then her reaction was really rude!

If my children got me that voucher I would be really grateful but I would tell them to keep it as I don't go to Starbucks but they do, so it would be a waste.

stuntbubbles · 10/05/2022 06:41

Gina97 · 10/05/2022 03:59

He sort of brushed it off like it was no big deal. I think he is pretty accustomed to her rude behavior. This certainly isn't the first time that she has done things that I considered rude or hurtful and he does typically brush it off. For that reason I felt the need to start the thread because maybe I am overly sensitive.

Show quote history

Ah, if she’s normally rude, why worry about yet another rude occasion? Rude is who she is. Let your DH deal with her gifts and rudeness. In the grand scheme; it’s a gift card: it didn’t cost you much in time, energy or money, so why sweat it?

Choufleurfromage · 10/05/2022 06:45

Gina97 · 09/05/2022 21:02

So I got my MIL a $25 Starbucks gift card for Mother's Day. We have a newborn so I wanted to get her something easy. She came by yesterday and when I went to give her the gift she told me and my husband that she didn't like Starbucks and didn't take the gift. I didn't make a big deal of it but am I right in thinking that this is insanely rude?

Is thisxa typically American thing? I love coffee, but Starbucks coffee is crap, and a gift voucher from a cheap ( as in tacky, not cheap money wise) would be poitless.
However, she should have been outwardly grateful - it was a gift and should be accepted with grace and thanks

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 10/05/2022 06:49

So we have accepted that because you were in town you physically bought the gift but why did you actually hand the gift over? Maybe that was what irked her? Her own son standing there letting his wife hand over the mother's day present? If my son-in-law handed me my mother's day gift instead of my dd I don't know what I'd think.

DeskInUse · 10/05/2022 07:20

If my dil gave me anything for Mother's Day, after having a baby I'd be thrilled.

Your mil was rude!

SleeplessInEngland · 10/05/2022 07:31

It was a crap gift but she still should have accepted it graciously.

starfishmummy · 10/05/2022 07:37

They do sell other drinks you know.

dworky · 10/05/2022 07:54

TheThreeHeadedBeast · 09/05/2022 21:05

Rude, but could you have got anything more thoughtless...
Something that could only be used in one shop and no choice at all

Or her son could have.

Needmorelego · 10/05/2022 08:28

@dworky the husband thought the Starbucks card was a good gift too so what would it have mattered if he was the one in Starbucks and said "can I have a $25 gift card please" rather than the OP?
This thread is getting ridiculous.
Instead of buying a gift card and they had invited her home for coffee and cake would the OP not had been allowed to physically make the coffee because the mil is not her mum? Would her and her husband have to take turns at the kettle?