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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 17:34

Even if it was really important to your husband, the father of these DC in question

Not one with the attitude this one has, no.

And this is a really manipulative attitude - it's a big ask. How often is anybody else asked to lose a weekend of their month because it's "really important to their husband" that they do so.

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 17:35

@RitaFaircloughsWig it's not unusual in an area that has a high volume of Muslim and Eastern European residents. Believe me! I also have multiple children, and that's the norm in my family.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:35

It didn’t occur to the OP nor her DH to….

compromise?!

ie
op: love the idea but every 4 weeks a bit frequent for the logistics involved and fact that apart of XY so regularly. How about on every couple of months we spend a quality day just with them?

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 17:36

If they were your biological children you would understand that they need extra attention so they don't feel they have been pushed aside by much younger children who need your time.

And they can have that from their parents. It doesn't automatically follow that they need it from people who aren't their parents.

Bickles · 09/05/2022 17:36

It’s a nice idea, but once a month seems a lot! How often do you have time just the two of you or out with friends?
Maybe do them a birthday treat day each? Seems more manageable and you can do the same for yours when they are older.

FirewomanSam · 09/05/2022 17:37

Agree that once a month would be excessive in practice, if you have to arrange monthly childcare for this as well as for other social activities you need babysitting for.

I think the principle makes sense though, in that it might be nice to occasionally do something age-appropriate with your step kids that doesn’t have to accommodate their toddler siblings. Take them to a theme park or to a 12 rated film, that kind of thing, so they don’t feel like they always have to do stuff that’s suitable for babies.

I had a much younger brother and it was always a special treat when my parents got a babysitter for him and did something with just me, but it definitely wasn’t a regular thing that I needed or expected all the time.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 09/05/2022 17:37

So many people on here (who I assume are not SMs) not even thinking about all the day to day tedious boring stuff you do for these SC even if it is only at weekends. I am a firm believer in "Daddy time with his own children" especially at the age when they want to see Daddy and not the partner or wife.

Ameliarosethistle · 09/05/2022 17:39

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:21

I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them. I'm sure he wouldn't agree to that!

I'm sure you wouldn't actually do this but that would be really mean. The point is your own kids will grow up with two parents who live together and love them, they're likely to grow up feeling quite secure. Your step-kids will grow up in two households, without that security. They're disadvantaged by the situation to begin with.

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 17:40

FabulousKilljoys · 09/05/2022 17:29

It’s not really that common at all these days to have four children and/or a huge age gap between them

Sorry, what? @MiddleParking maybe not where you live, but the average family in my city has 5 children. In my street alone the least amount of kids in one house is 4. Age gaps are still a thing too. So that's a bit of a sweeping statement.

So either you live somewhere where cultural expectations of family life are so different to the UK as to be completely irrelevant to the discussion, or you’ve just made that up. Either way, shrug.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 09/05/2022 17:40

Your DH is being an arse and just another example of wanting a women along to help him look after his DC that he had with another women. The kids already have a Mum and Dad and he can continue taking them out just him and them, like he has been doing, that is enough.

Just because he has a swinging dick does not mean his word is law. Tell him to do one.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 17:42

I do agree with him somewhat. I'm sure the older children notice that you don't do activities with them now without the younger tots being there, whereas before you would have gone out with them and dad. In other words, they don't matter to you any more now that you have your own children.

Do you think they said something to their father? Or is he's just feeling sad. I think it would be nice to do something with just the older two occasionally.

Trivester · 09/05/2022 17:42

Once a month is a lot - 4 times a year would be more reasonable.

I agree with you op that you can’t take the help from your dps for granted. I’m sure they love to spend time with their gc but it is tiring too, particularly as they get older.

12 outings is potentially a lot of money. Less outings and a paid sitter might be a more reasonable compromise.

catelina · 09/05/2022 17:42

@Tamzo85 It should be entered into in the full knowledge that it is an incredibly tough gig for all parties, certainly.

@JennieLee has it right - better step-relationships are forged with everyday tasks and involvement that help everyone without overstepping the boundaries of the bio parents. It requires a lot of goodwill on everyone's part to achieve this sort of balance though. If you add guilt, resentment, personality clashes and financial imbalance into the mix, goodwill breaks down and everyone suffers.

Like I said, it's a tough gig.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 17:44

@aSofaNearYou

”really manipulative” and a big ask for an afternoon once a month? Just waiting for this to evolve into him being emotionally abusive.

If you really don’t think his kids need quality time with him and his wife and mother of their siblings I really hope you don’t have step kids. It must be horrible to be brought up in an environment with a step parent who thinks that way. That kind of attitude makes an already sucky situation for the kids three times as bad.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:45

How does he get on with his ex?
if really amicable, could suggest that he and her take them out once every couple of months for the day?

my ex and I do this and the children LOVE it. We end up telling them to stop interrupting because we are catching up on stuff!

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 17:46

I'm sure the older children notice that you don't do activities with them now without the younger tots being there, whereas before you would have gone out with them and dad. In other words, they don't matter to you any more now that you have your own children.

That's just not true at all though and is such a massive leap. Unless OP is saying in front of them "why would I want to go somewhere with the stepkids", all this is telling them is she doesn't want to send her own children away just to spend time with them exclusively. Which is totally fair enough.

She went out with just them before because the younger kids didn't exist. Now they do, so they are also there. It's such a leap of logic to think that means the stepkids "no longer matter to her".

Oioicaptain · 09/05/2022 17:48

I would offer to spend some quality time with your step children on your own. That way, your husband will have to look after your two, which being younger is much harder work. You could just take his out to the cinema or a trampolining place and sit drinking coffee.

hellrabbitishere · 09/05/2022 17:48

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:30

Even if it was really important to your husband, the father of these DC in question

Show quote history

no i wouldnt to answer that one and i think its the expectations and guilt tripping that make me feel id throw myself in front of a fast moving truck than become a step parent ever again , if its so important to the husband he can take out his own children surely

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 17:50

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 17:44

@aSofaNearYou

”really manipulative” and a big ask for an afternoon once a month? Just waiting for this to evolve into him being emotionally abusive.

If you really don’t think his kids need quality time with him and his wife and mother of their siblings I really hope you don’t have step kids. It must be horrible to be brought up in an environment with a step parent who thinks that way. That kind of attitude makes an already sucky situation for the kids three times as bad.

An overnight once a month- ie all weekend. And yes that's a big ask. How often do you send your kids away for the weekend to spend it alone with someone else's kids?

Yes I have a step child. I feel absolutely zero guilt about not doing this, I have no interest in doing so at all and it's not something that's ever come up, nor would it. It doesn't even enter into my DSS's radar of issues he has in life that he doesn't spend quality time with my without my own DD. Thank fuck.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:51

@hellrabbitishere

so you would never ever compromise? Ie every 4 weeks just too much, but how about we do this 3/4x a year?

it would just be a dead - no?

Absentmindedwoman · 09/05/2022 17:52

It is devastating to feel you are not important to the people you should be important to.

Your DH is trying to make his older kids feel like they are important to him, despite not living together. I feel you are being a bit disingenuous pretending that it doesn't really matter to kids to not live with their parents - like it's almost a non issue - because of the way you say you get hardly any quality time with your own children due to work and a busy life. As if it's not a big deal.

Absence of a parent has a profound effect on your whole life. If it is not handled in such a way so you know you are still extremely loved and important and an equal part of the family. I suspect your DH instinctively knows this and is trying to do damage limitation.

However, I agree he shouldn't be blithely assuming your parents will do childcare.

Kennykenkencat · 09/05/2022 17:54

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:33

And they do live with us but I can't tell you the last time that me and DH took them out somewhere special just them. He always wants to save things for when the older ones are with us if we ever do get a weekend just the 4 of us.

I think this might be the problem

Your dsc want to go places that are age appropriate for them but maybe not for a toddler or baby and have probably asked their dad about you all doing stuff with just them meaning doing stuff that is a little more age appropriate to them and it has come out wrongly or your Dh has interpreted it as “feeling special”.

I think going out with just the 2 older ones will put a different dynamic on the experience. At 9 and 12 you won’t be. having to supervise them as closely and be on hand as much as a toddler and baby.
You never know you might enjoy yourself. Especially as they get older going out together will become a more adult occasion

I would try and find something that you all enjoy doing every so often that you can’t do with very small children. Even if it is a meal out in a nice restaurant or outdoor laser tag or a theme park that is more Thorpe Park than Pepper Pig World

I know mumsnet is about Step children only interacting with the parent and not the step parent and at 18 all children are kicked out to fend for themselves. But families are not like that.

Over the years to come you will have a better and easier time if you are close to your step children by doing something they really appreciate now and not treat them like you can’t be bothered with them and make the line between your own children and them so noticeable.

This isn’t going to be forever. It will naturally become less and less as they get more freedom to go out with friends and only want to go out with you a few times per year.
Having put the groundwork in though you will reap the benefits in free baby sitting.

There will be a lot of family get togethers over the years where you will all be invited to. Better to be the fun step mum who they have had fun days out with than the woman who only tolerated them and wouldn’t do anything for them.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 17:55

Absentmindedwoman · 09/05/2022 17:52

It is devastating to feel you are not important to the people you should be important to.

Your DH is trying to make his older kids feel like they are important to him, despite not living together. I feel you are being a bit disingenuous pretending that it doesn't really matter to kids to not live with their parents - like it's almost a non issue - because of the way you say you get hardly any quality time with your own children due to work and a busy life. As if it's not a big deal.

Absence of a parent has a profound effect on your whole life. If it is not handled in such a way so you know you are still extremely loved and important and an equal part of the family. I suspect your DH instinctively knows this and is trying to do damage limitation.

However, I agree he shouldn't be blithely assuming your parents will do childcare.

But the kids are getting plenty of time with their dad.

The issue is that DH wants OP to sacrifice her time with her own kids to assauge his guilt.

It is devastating to feel you are not important to the people you should be important to.

And this is what OP's dc will see when they're older and notice dad is always doing fun things with step-siblings but they are not invited.

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 17:56

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 17:51

@hellrabbitishere

so you would never ever compromise? Ie every 4 weeks just too much, but how about we do this 3/4x a year?

it would just be a dead - no?

Why is that so surprising? Men don’t wither and die on the spot at that word.

PeekAtYou · 09/05/2022 17:57

@Absentmindedwoman But he's not putting in the same effort on weekends when the older 2 aren't there. If OP suggests a farm or softplay then he says no.

He chose to have 4 kids and all 4 deserve to feel special. He already does outings with just his older 2 and makes a lot more effort with them than the younger ones.

OP isn't against doing stuff with the older 2 but once weekend a month is a bigger commitment than she wants to make. Naturally she'd like to balance time with the kids with running errands and seeing her friends too.