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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 09/05/2022 17:58

Ameliarosethistle · 09/05/2022 15:45

It would be a lovely thing to do for two little kids who didn't ask to be in this situation. They will see their half siblings benefiting from living with both their Mum and Dad who love them so they are at a disadvantage. You don't need to love them as much as your kids but they do need to feel accepted and cared for.

It makes no sense for OP to go on days out with them then as she’s not their mum. Surely it’s their actual parents they should spend time with in this situation if they’re that disadvantaged. It sounds like you think the OP owes them.

It’s also not the OP’s children’s fault that their siblings have different parents.

Kennykenkencat · 09/05/2022 17:58

It doesn’t have to be a full day out every month

An afternoon or evening doing something with just them would be nice interspersed with a longer time spent with just the 2 of them.

Bickles · 09/05/2022 17:59

Oioicaptain · 09/05/2022 17:48

I would offer to spend some quality time with your step children on your own. That way, your husband will have to look after your two, which being younger is much harder work. You could just take his out to the cinema or a trampolining place and sit drinking coffee.

This is a great idea! Especially cinema. It feels like a treat and is definitely something that will appeal to the older ones differently.
There are some really good films coming out too.

GabriellaMontez · 09/05/2022 18:01

Why do people think once a month isn't much? That will come round extremely fast. It will limit other things you may have planned as family, couple or individual. And burden your parents.

He's a cf. Probably comes down to laziness.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 18:01

@MiddleParking

you say you’ll never be a step mum again
Presumably it didn’t work out?

LoveItaly · 09/05/2022 18:03

I was thinking the same as tomatoandherbs. It may be better for the two older children to have some more age appropriate days out with their own parents, rather than with their stepmother and the younger two children. It can’t be much fun for either set of children going out on trips when there is such a large age difference.

Bentoforthehorde · 09/05/2022 18:03

I wonder how many people on this thread have 4+ kids with an age gap.
The reason I ask is that we have 4dc, 4/5/10/12 all live with DH and I (except the elder 2 have 50/50 weekends and holidays with their dad now.) and we don't do monthly special days.
I spend alone time with the older two on evenings, DH takes the kids out sometimes, we do plan "mummy time" evenings sometimes where its just me and one child. If there are activities more suitable for the bigs, generally I stay home with the littles because I don't drive, same with activities for the littles.
But it's all a sort of natural flow. My bigs wouldn't want to go to every activity with the littles, but they are old enough to have opinions on what they want to do with you.
Do the kids actually want this?
Given the choice mine would choose one on one meal/movie or even a game and watching YouTube videos of cats being scared by cucumbers or something. Scheduling time the way your DH suggests obviously doesn't feel natural to you, enjoying a common interest with the DC would be better, but as I say, ask the kids.
Also, as a mother of 4 I am very clear that there is no "most important person in our house" we are all equally important.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 18:03

@aSofaNearYou

That sucks for them if the situation of much older and small children is similar. But I guess they’ll be able to tell you about that once their older. Or more likely have little to do with you and possibly their own father because of it.

but hey they’re not your kids so not your responsibility.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 18:05

@funinthesun19

The OP as an adult who has chosen to become a mother to their siblings and partner to their father who they live with some of the time does owe them. They didn’t chose this situation - she did.

SnowWhitesSM · 09/05/2022 18:06

I'd compromise, I've been a step mum and it was awful. I could write a book about dad guilt and poor sdc and how that impacts a family.

But what he's asked for isn't unreasonable, maybe one montb you get the smaller dc to bed early and have a movie night and pizza/games night/pamper session with facemasks and make it a bit special, then the other month your dh books a really fun activity like go ape or something that you can't do with little dc about. Makes him happy and gives you brownie points.

GabriellaMontez · 09/05/2022 18:06

Oioicaptain · 09/05/2022 17:48

I would offer to spend some quality time with your step children on your own. That way, your husband will have to look after your two, which being younger is much harder work. You could just take his out to the cinema or a trampolining place and sit drinking coffee.

It's funny, the idea of leaving him with the little ones!

But seriously... why would you even think the sc would want to do this?!

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 18:09

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 18:03

@aSofaNearYou

That sucks for them if the situation of much older and small children is similar. But I guess they’ll be able to tell you about that once their older. Or more likely have little to do with you and possibly their own father because of it.

but hey they’re not your kids so not your responsibility.

If you say so, clearly you know everyone's step children better than they do!

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 18:10

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 18:01

@MiddleParking

you say you’ll never be a step mum again
Presumably it didn’t work out?

I’ve said no such thing and have never been a stepmum Confused

SuzyQ12 · 09/05/2022 18:13

If once a month feels a bit much to organise why not once every school holiday or every two/three months? Or think of things all four children could do, like the zoo, swimming or going for ice cream.

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 18:13

YANBU they have plenty of 1 on 1 time with him and time with both of you in the evening.

They are apart of the family unit so the rest of the time can be with the family. I absolutely would not put yourself out anymore for this idea.

TheCatterall · 09/05/2022 18:13

I can see both sides. Personally I’d ask myself - if these were all mine and his children… would I occasionally- once every 2/3 months - organise something with the big kids and have someone look after little ones.

if they were my own I would. Off to the movies etc? Something suitable for them that would be difficult with little ones.

id do it because not doing it sends the message that you tolerate their presence when with you and DH. But you aren’t interested in building any sort of connection beyond that.

Marty13 · 09/05/2022 18:14

Haha the whole "treat they like they're your own" thing...

They're not hers so I don't really understand why people want her to pretend otherwise.

I have children as a single parent, surely they're even more disadvantaged than SDC who alternate between each parent ? But who's gonna pick up the slack since there's no other parent ? Maybe I could just pick any random adult who share any manner of space with me and inform them that it is now their responsibility to take care of my kids so they feel special ?

This is so ridiculous. I'll never treat SDC as my own because, guess what ? They're not.

ivykaty44 · 09/05/2022 18:14

If you have a family of 4 with two parents, you don't send two of the children to grandparents once a month to spend time with the other two in aid of making them feel special

erinaceus · 09/05/2022 18:18

It sounds as if there is more to it than this specific request. If he were to plan a night out at (say) the theatre, with his kids, and invite you along, with this meaning that your two DC have to be babysat for the evening, that would be one thing. But it sounds as if he is sort of expecting you to organise some time and activities focussed on his older kids, and the babysitting, one per month and he can slot it. It is a bit telling that he has not taken your younger kids to something younger DC focussed. If he was doing this perhaps you would be keener to do some stuff with his kids.

SnowWhitesSM · 09/05/2022 18:18

I have big kids (teens) so maybe that's why I can see it from that side. They can watch better films, do better activities and it's nice for them to have time that isn't geared towards younger dc. I think the 'making them feel special' is a bit much. They have plenty of one on one time and if your dc don't already feel special to you then you're doing a shit job, there's a fine line between knowing you're unconditionally loved and being enmeshed and yukky with a parent. Lots of disney dads don't get where that line is.

But on the surface of things I'd make an effort.

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2022 18:18

Those of you saying once a month isn’t much, have you read that the dh won’t spend time doing anything small child centric when his older kids aren’t there? Why should the OP make the effort when he doesn’t make the effort with their shared dc?

Liz1tummypain · 09/05/2022 18:20

I see why he's saying it. I think you could be a bit more flexible. Surely your aim is for it to be one big happy family. You've married into his family. Got to make the best of it. Sorry.

SnowWhitesSM · 09/05/2022 18:20

@ivykaty44 you might tho. My friend has two older teens and then had more dc in her late thirties. She definitely ships off the youngest to do fun things with her teens.

I have two teens. I love spending time with just one. Me and one of them are going camping just the two of us for two nights in summer as the other one will be on NCS camp. I can't wait. Will do the same with the other one when it's the other ones turn for NCS.

Tagliatellme · 09/05/2022 18:20

I disagree with your parents having to provide child care, but I think it would be lovely if you and your DH could spend some time together with the older 2 occasionally. I'm a step parent who now has adult children and step children, and can look back and see what we did right and wrong.

I think one thing to bear in mind is that the older children didn't want this. If they could choose, they would have their parents back together and would be living with both of them. And at this point, they probably wouldn't choose to share their dad with more children.

If you get on well with them, and their father has plenty of time with them alone, then I think it's a reasonable request, and one that will help foster good relationships.

Our adult children all get along well, have done for years, and consider each other 'full' brothers and sisters. It was hard work for a time, and required a lot of stepping back and trying to put ourselves in their shoes. It's so worth it though in the end.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 18:22

@Marty13

All about how you feel hey Marty? please don’t become a step parent with that attitude. do you really think living with one parent and their partner who is the Mother of your siblings who simply tolerates you is good for kids? Or doesn’t that matter?

Incedentally the kids may be better off just with one single parent and no step parent if this isn’t a the kind of situation which is the alternative for them. Actually I think most people would prefer that.