'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

Which the OP has said numerous times she's more than happy to do. Try giving her posts a read.

She’s said on this thread
but never said whether she actually suggested a few times a year to her Dh

She’s said on this thread
but never said whether she actually suggested a few times a year to her Dh

Yes she has. She has explained she said this to him during the discussion when he raised the subject initially and it turned into an argument and him huffing.

As an adult are you really surprised she preferred her own kids?

And yes it is a big sacrifice. They are members of a family unit with 4 children. Their parents can do the one on one time OP is spread thinly enough.

You are not at all being unreasonable. He is trying to get you to help with his absent parent guilt. He clearly doesn’t need to feel like this if the older two are with you both most weekends. Perhaps he would benefit from some counselling.

I’ve read the OP’s posts and don’t see once a month as excessive.

When she works full time and has limited time with her own children? Really? Why should her children lose time with their parents? Why should OP be left with no babysitter for when she wants a night off?

Just out of interest, how often do you send your younger children away to babysitters while you and your OH take out the older one(s)?

As an adult, I’m not surprised. As an adult, I feel we have an obligation, however, to ensure that children do not sense that preference as far as possible. That’s our responsibility to them.

Your expectations are as unreasonable as her husband's, then!

Ibthink it would be better for children to have an understanding of relationships

I would say the responsibility is to not make such silliness an issue

Mums love their children more. And unless one were motherless I think even for a child it's a bit weak.

bonus kids

Is that a saying now? 😐 Shudder.

Only on MN and America form what I've seen. If we ignore it it may go away

And I'm not their second mum. That's not a thing.

You're coming across as 'Wicked Step-Mother syndrome'. When -will- it be OK for you to think about your husband and -his- children instead of yourself? You are in their lives permanently now, unless hubby ends up being pushed to make a choice between you and his children...he's already left one family...what makes you so different?

Grow up and compromise.

So are her [and his] two younger kids. You know that younger kids are not ornaments yes? And that they are actually part of the family? Jesus wept there are some crazy fuckers on here.

She has.

Grow up and learn to read

What are you even on about? Have you even bothered to read the thread or just seen it's a stepmum posting about he SC and decided to wade in?

I feel you completely OP. I am both a mum and step mum. I have been expected to shower my DSC with attention whilst pushing out my own children (and our own child) I have repeatedly refused. While they are under my roof they get treated EXACTLY the same but I will not pay extra attention to either my children, our child or my DSC. That just leads to resentment from the children. continue to do things as a family, if he wants 1 to 1 let him but tell him you will not be facilitating that my pushing put your own children in the same way he won’t push out his children and do something that is focused on your younger children x

Yes, let’s ensure that children deem their perfectly natural feelings as silly and weak…

you said it yourself.
If you have to parent, you want to be parenting YOUR kids, not HIS!
In other words, you're entitled to a break , and his kids are not your responsibility.

..
breaking it down, i get you're tired and need a break. So does anyone with small kids. However- it is clear your just not loving being a stepmom or see it as important any more. This is obviously going to cause trouble the Step Kids, and their father... So you do have to find a better solution than just saying no.

Your situation is tough, but can't you give a little. Maybe, accepting your importance as stepmom and showing your engagement will help rebalance things and it won't be needed going forward at the same level

Could a compromise be found? You clearly want it to work, but have become defensive and resentful.

You need to find a solution, so you are not over worked, your parents aren't over worked, but your Husband and SK feels more secure and engaged with you, not just a distraction. A solution that restarts your bond and get involved might make it less likely for husband to spoil them out of guilt

Here are some options:

1. Maybe plan an overnighter without the little ones, and say you will do this twice a year. So then, it is not too onerous on your parents, and you still have other options to ask for babysitting


2. Plan to do a Big Kids only day once a term , whilst the little ones are at nursery.


3. Conversely, ask DH to step up and do little kid focused activities on the weekends when SK are not with you. That is on him


4. Be mindful on whole family days that they all need solo time. and activities that suit their age. So go to the theme park , but DH takes the little ones on the merry go round and you take the big ones on roller coaster. Then swap. Each kid group gets needs met by age if not individually .


5. 5.Also good time for all of you together. I totally get that is nearly impossible. I have 3 kids and there are 3.5 years between them. SO 7 yrs, top to bottom. They are never ever at the same stage together. Even though they are siblings, it is IMPOSSIBLY hard to meet everyones needs. It might be ok for some people to say families do this, suck it up, but that is why families are hard and people fall out. Because it is hard to ensure that everyone feels listened to and cared for. Just bundling everyone together and trying to find the thing that works for everyone usually works for nobody.

Good luck

Hi OP.

I don’t think YABU. When I was young, a school friend of mine was the stepchild in exactly the same scenario you describe. Even down to the weekly Sunday lunch when they never usually did that for themselves. Dad went into overdrive every time my friend visited. The result - he grew up very spoilt and arrogant. Thought very highly of himself. Was very manipulative and entitled. Turned into a really shitty human who treated other people badly if he didn’t always get his own way. He treated his lovely step mum like utter shit (who was too scared to ever say no to him) and the same with his step siblings. Just a word of warning. The Disney dad you’re living with is sowing those seeds. Tread carefully. Stand up and have firm boundaries on this or that could be your future.

I think your DH has decided you SHOULD be their second mum (whether you want to or not…). It would allow him to continue to abdicate from “doing things” he could easily achieve on the weekend, if only he “felt like it.” Your DH has decided the “spoiling” makes up for active parenting and he doesn’t want to do that alone. I bet that his kids have complained about the “boring, little kid stuff every weekend” to their ACTUAL mother and she has kicked off about his apathetic parenting-style and HE has blamed your little ones rather than admit to her that he doesn’t want to go anywhere with them. He’s gaslighting you because he absolutely will not see that in this situation, he’s the bad guy.

@GingerWit

Exactly. It’s the defensiveness over the idea that she should do anything in particular to help her husband (you know the man she chose to be with) make his previous kids feel better about the whole situation which really sucks for the kids.

And the idea she has that his kids from a broken home and now with new siblings are spoilt and have it better than her kids - rather than being in a difficult situation with their father trying to make sure they still feel loved, which is so typical of the never-can-be-wrong and “it’s natural not to love your step kids and I don’t need to hide my preference for my own” type step-Mum which makes life difficult for kids in that situation, when a little give and understanding would go so far. But no - the idea of thinking of them and not her own pov and feelings enrages her.

Seriously if people don’t want step kids don’t have kids with someone who already has other children. But then maybe some people are so myopic they don’t care about how they affect the other children as it’s “not their responsibility”.

YABU, you are their father's wife, you are a big part of his life so you should be involved with his children.

When you married him you knew he had children.

Once a month isn't excessive, it doesn't have to be anything huge, a trip to the cinema and a burger or even a shopping trip.

I understand you won't want to identify the older children but if one or both are girls sooner or later they will start their periods, it may have already happen, I can remember when I was that age I didn't want to ask my dad to buy any.

You should be part of their lives, not a big part, but a part all the same. Also your children are siblings of the older two, they should be in each other's lives.

I think in your position I'd do a once a month family treat, one with just the older two, one with all four and one with just the younger two.