Page 24 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Frazzledstar1 · 10/05/2022 18:36

Could you do every other month instead? It doesn’t need to be whole day or overnight event, could gps come over and sit with the younger kids just for an hour or two so you could go to the cinema, etc?

As step child myself, I can imagine that they feel somewhat “replaced” by your dcs at times (I’m sure this isn’t your intention). I never felt like my step mum liked me and it grew into resentment that later affected my relationship with my father. I stopped wanting to go visit because I felt like I was intruding when I was with them both and like an outsider. Just something to think about.

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 18:39

Frazzledstar1 · 10/05/2022 18:36

Could you do every other month instead? It doesn’t need to be whole day or overnight event, could gps come over and sit with the younger kids just for an hour or two so you could go to the cinema, etc?

As step child myself, I can imagine that they feel somewhat “replaced” by your dcs at times (I’m sure this isn’t your intention). I never felt like my step mum liked me and it grew into resentment that later affected my relationship with my father. I stopped wanting to go visit because I felt like I was intruding when I was with them both and like an outsider. Just something to think about.

That's not really in any way comparable to this situation though is it?

billy1966 · 10/05/2022 18:50

OP,

So he leaves your children short for basics by not contributing towards them, because of his extravagance towards his older children?

You both deserve better.

He sounds like a very poor father to your children.

Original poster

Loco323 · 10/05/2022 18:59

Frazzledstar1 · 10/05/2022 18:36

Could you do every other month instead? It doesn’t need to be whole day or overnight event, could gps come over and sit with the younger kids just for an hour or two so you could go to the cinema, etc?

As step child myself, I can imagine that they feel somewhat “replaced” by your dcs at times (I’m sure this isn’t your intention). I never felt like my step mum liked me and it grew into resentment that later affected my relationship with my father. I stopped wanting to go visit because I felt like I was intruding when I was with them both and like an outsider. Just something to think about.

Of course I don't want them to feel like that. And I actually don't think they do. They seem to enjoy coming here and get on so well with their younger siblings. We always have a laugh, hang out together in the evening etc.. which is not to be sniffed at with a 12 year old who may prefer to be on the Xbox with mates before long ha.

And as I say I'm happy to do this every now and again. I don't want to commit to any set schedule like once a month or once every two months, but the odd day on a whim here and there fine. It's not fair to commit my parents to any sort of set thing either imo. They could say no and it would all be redundant anyway and I don't feel to ask them to section off X amount every X many months either. The odd 'oh could you have X and Y next weekend so we can take DSC to the zoo' is very different to 'can you have X and Y every month or every two months on X date so we can go to some random undisclosed day out with DSC'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loco323 · 10/05/2022 19:00

billy1966 · 10/05/2022 18:50

OP,

So he leaves your children short for basics by not contributing towards them, because of his extravagance towards his older children?

You both deserve better.

He sounds like a very poor father to your children.

He has done this before yes. They've not gone without because I've picked up the shortfall but he has failed to pay his contribution towards things they need because of treat spending on DSC yes.

OP posts:

Penguinsaregreat · 10/05/2022 19:00

I agree 100% with you.
Yout dh needs to spend alone time with HIS children. He should be spending a significant time with just his older 2 dcs unless they specifically ask not to do this, which they won’t.
I don’t think it’s fair to use up your babysitters for this, unless your parents are desperate to babysit your kids for limitless amounts of time which is unusual as I presume they work too if you have a baby.
I feel that his older children would value alive fine with their dad and appreciate that you should not feel obliged to be their all the time.
Ask him how he would feel if for the majority of time his ex spends with the kids, they have to spend with mums oh too.

erinaceus · 10/05/2022 19:05

Has anyone asked the older DC what they think? You would need to be careful how you phrase it, but their opinion shed some light on the whole thing. If they are longing for some grown up time without their younger siblings tagging along, that is one thing; if they like hanging out all six of you then you can work around that instead.

Xkerching08x · 10/05/2022 19:14

I think your right, my dh has a child from previous relationship and I’m happy for us to all go out as a family but wouldn’t be interested in going out as a family with his kids minus ours, seems strange because they should feel special to dh but not to you.

MachineBee · 10/05/2022 19:21

AllFreeOwls · 09/05/2022 15:47

Why is it your parents you are expected to pick up the slack? Why not his own parents?

my thoughts too…

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2022 19:38

I'm not a DM, never mind a SM, so I do try not to post on this board but you're getting such a hard time here @Loco323 that I can't leave this alone! I've never seen so many people give the Op a hard time before.
I have no axe to grind so I can look at this dispassionately. You have two DSK and two small DC of your own, a FD job and a DH who's yet another guilt ridden seperated DF so, bless you, you are always going to be in the wrong here.
I can understand your DH wants his older DC to feel included and "special" but he's going about this this all the wrong way, he's excluding your younger DC to the point that not only will they notice when they're older but he is wracking up the resentment on your part too. Right now you try and include your DSC but how long before your resentment gets too much and it becomes him and them against you and yours?
The bottom line is your DH feels guilty and sad he doesn't live full time with his older DC but he seriously needs to pull his head out of his own arse and see what he is doing to you all. Someone said your marriage will be in ruins in a few years and I agree but for different reasons- you're resentment and protective instinct for your own DC will get too much if he can never see your point of view.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 19:43

MachineBee · 10/05/2022 19:21

my thoughts too…

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They live abroad. Not that I would accept that. I would tell him its his families turn to pick up the slack. Seeing as he's all about life being fair

billy1966 · 10/05/2022 19:47

I don't doubt that you step in and make up the shortfall, but you shouldn't have to.

But he just expects you too.

Just like he expects YOUR parents to look after your children, so that HIS children get taken on another treat.

Unbelievable OP.

You sound like a very kind woman and step mother who is being totally mugged off by this waster.

I repeat, you and your children deserve better.

LoveSpringDaffs · 10/05/2022 19:52

@Loco323

not that you don't have quite enough on your mind right now (especially with very bizarre post(era)!!)

But have you spoken to DH about how his younger children will feel as they get a bit older? Why do the older two need to feel MORE special to him than the younger two, they're ALL his children. It'll do NONE of the kids any good to set them up like this. They're AS special, but they're not MORE special and he needs to get his stupid head around that!!

MonsteraMother · 10/05/2022 19:54

Loco... You poor woman. God you've had such a hard time on here. Lots of people need to brush up on the word 'spoilt' too. My kids are also spoilt, doesn't make them awful - just means they are given everything that opens and shuts and don't really appreciate it.

You are obvs not being unreasonable...your husband is clearly guilt ridden and feels he needs to compensate. I would say 'yes' to him though but tell him he needs to sort everything. He needs to ask your parents for childcare or book babysitters and he needs to plan the outings. Guaranteed it won't last longer than 2 months then you'll be off the hook!

DreamsOfWaves · 10/05/2022 19:58

Sorry, I'm coming in a little late here OP. I can't believe the bonkers replies you've had. For what it's worth, I step-parents on both sides when I was growing up and I was DESPERATE to have one on one time with my mum. I haven't had it in over 20 years and it makes me really sad, my step-dad is always there lurking and talking over us. Taking away the kids' alone time with their dad is more likely to cause harm and resentment in my opinion. It sounds as if they get plenty quality time with you and I think it sounds as if you're doing a great job in the circumstances.

wentworthinmate · 10/05/2022 20:01

His children. HE can spend time with them alone. Not your place to bond. They have a mother for that.

Celp28 · 10/05/2022 20:04

Can you not spend time together as a family bit doing activities that the older dsc enjoy? I have and older dsc (and my own ds is the same age) and then my dh and I have 2 younger ds. We have always made sure we picked activities that everyone enjoys and spent time as a family. It really helped all of the children to bond.
also, assuming younger children go to bed earlier, could it not be a thing that the older dsc have time with you and dh? Movie nights or game nights?
I completely understand your dh point of view and I don’t think he’s wrong to want the best for his older children. However, I don’t think you abu either as I wouldn’t want to get a babysitter for my children just to spend time with other children. There are plenty of ways that the older dc can feel special and loved without separating them from their younger siblings.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 20:04

You are obvs not being unreasonable...your husband is clearly guilt ridden and feels he needs to compensate. I would say 'yes' to him though but tell him he needs to sort everything. He needs to ask your parents for childcare or book babysitters and he needs to plan the outings. Guaranteed it won't last longer than 2 months then you'll be off the hook!

I get what you're saying but why indulge it at all? Why not just confront the ways in which his attitude about this, and about the family dynamic in general, isn't reasonable?

Imabadmummy · 10/05/2022 20:18

More than 12 bank Holidays a year????
Which country cose I think I need to move....we only get 8 in the UK (9 this year).

misses point of the thread

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 20:20

Can you not spend time together as a family bit doing activities that the older dsc enjoy? I have and older dsc (and my own ds is the same age) and then my dh and I have 2 younger ds. We have always made sure we picked activities that everyone enjoys and spent time as a family. It really helped all of the children to bond.
also, assuming younger children go to bed earlier, could it not be a thing that the older dsc have time with you and dh? Movie nights or game nights?

This is almost exactly what OP said they already do - they almost always pick activities that are not focused on the younger children and they do have movie nights with the older kids when the younger one's are in bed.

Grrrrdarling · 10/05/2022 20:27

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

You are literally their 2nd mum, no matter how ‘involved’ their bio mum is, & you are a very special person, to them & their dad, for taking on that role so I am struggling to understand why you wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with your bonus kids & partner!
If you had older children you would make time to do things with them without the littler ones so why not the bonus kids?

whynotwhatknot · 10/05/2022 20:36

After reading the whole thread(some replies are short of batshit) youve got a selfish husband i think

he spends his money on the older dc so u have to compensate your joint dc he doesnt spend any time just with them taking them to activities-but youre the evil stepmum for not shipping your own children off somewhere? this thread is unbelieavable

does he ever have either set of dc alone btw?

Tiggy1980 · 10/05/2022 20:36

Having been a stepchild and experienced my stepmother’s preference for her own children, this post makes me feel a bit sad. A day out here and there where the attention is centred around the DSC doesn’t seem like an enormous sacrifice for anyone to make, and I’m sure that it would mean an enormous amount to them. They didn’t have any choice in living apart from their dad.

whynotwhatknot · 10/05/2022 20:39

Grrrrdarling · 10/05/2022 20:27

You are literally their 2nd mum, no matter how ‘involved’ their bio mum is, & you are a very special person, to them & their dad, for taking on that role so I am struggling to understand why you wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with your bonus kids & partner!
If you had older children you would make time to do things with them without the littler ones so why not the bonus kids?

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In repnse to this im noones 2nd mum and nor is op

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 20:53

Grrrrdarling · 10/05/2022 20:27

You are literally their 2nd mum, no matter how ‘involved’ their bio mum is, & you are a very special person, to them & their dad, for taking on that role so I am struggling to understand why you wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with your bonus kids & partner!
If you had older children you would make time to do things with them without the littler ones so why not the bonus kids?

Show quote history

If I told my DSS’ DM I was his “second Mum” she would tear my hair out and scratch my face off. Sounds nice in a perfect world.