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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 16:23

won’t be spending the time with his DC he asked

Also didn't realise I had to do whatever my husband asks of me.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 16:25

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 16:05

“I agree with PP we need to have a better conversation about his guilt and the way he overcompensates and how that makes me feel in relation to our other DC”

OP it really sounds like you are unable to take on anyones perspective but yours and see that as right all the time. Both from the above comment and from the way you’ve been getting mad with any one who has told you YABU here. Disagreement is alright, but you just think your 100% right and won’t consider otherwise and only want to hear agreement and anything else angers you.

You are saying you are going to sit your husband down and tell him about the guilt you’ve decided he has and how that makes him overcompensate and how that in essence means - your right and he was wrong and you and he shouldn’t do anything separately with his DC. Think about how that reads. You’ve psycho analysed him, decided you know how he feels and your going to tell him so all as a precursor to you saying your not going to be spending time alone with his Dc and him. And you frame this as some kind of conversation which will be good for your relationship? You must be kidding.

Another poster said, I wonder how your marriage is going to go in 3 years. When your having “conversations” like these with your husband that’s a fair comment in my book.

OP has not been angry at the reasonable posters that have disagreed with her, only at you and a couple of others who have made yourself look ridiculous with hyperbole and absolute refusal to even respond accurately to what has been said, making up your own narrative instead.

It's also very bizarre the conclusion you have come to about OP having a conversation with her husband about the way he treats the younger children, yet him having these conversations with her about what he wants her to do regarding the older children is apparently fine and not marriage destroying at all.

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 16:29

stepmum could put herself out once in a while to help them adjust to the new family situation could see that taking older kids out once in a blue moon without the very young children could be beneficial to making them still feel valued in the family

In case you're struggling... You said this.. which I have said throughout the thread I'm happy to do.

Is once in a blue moon every month to you? If so, I suggest you don't know what the phrase means.

OP posts:
HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 16:30

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 16:05

“I agree with PP we need to have a better conversation about his guilt and the way he overcompensates and how that makes me feel in relation to our other DC”

OP it really sounds like you are unable to take on anyones perspective but yours and see that as right all the time. Both from the above comment and from the way you’ve been getting mad with any one who has told you YABU here. Disagreement is alright, but you just think your 100% right and won’t consider otherwise and only want to hear agreement and anything else angers you.

You are saying you are going to sit your husband down and tell him about the guilt you’ve decided he has and how that makes him overcompensate and how that in essence means - your right and he was wrong and you and he shouldn’t do anything separately with his DC. Think about how that reads. You’ve psycho analysed him, decided you know how he feels and your going to tell him so all as a precursor to you saying your not going to be spending time alone with his Dc and him. And you frame this as some kind of conversation which will be good for your relationship? You must be kidding.

Another poster said, I wonder how your marriage is going to go in 3 years. When your having “conversations” like these with your husband that’s a fair comment in my book.

My observation is that when anyone disagrees with what OP says they take it to the extreme and fabricate whats been said to justify their own point. As you have here.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 10/05/2022 16:31

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 16:05

“I agree with PP we need to have a better conversation about his guilt and the way he overcompensates and how that makes me feel in relation to our other DC”

OP it really sounds like you are unable to take on anyones perspective but yours and see that as right all the time. Both from the above comment and from the way you’ve been getting mad with any one who has told you YABU here. Disagreement is alright, but you just think your 100% right and won’t consider otherwise and only want to hear agreement and anything else angers you.

You are saying you are going to sit your husband down and tell him about the guilt you’ve decided he has and how that makes him overcompensate and how that in essence means - your right and he was wrong and you and he shouldn’t do anything separately with his DC. Think about how that reads. You’ve psycho analysed him, decided you know how he feels and your going to tell him so all as a precursor to you saying your not going to be spending time alone with his Dc and him. And you frame this as some kind of conversation which will be good for your relationship? You must be kidding.

Another poster said, I wonder how your marriage is going to go in 3 years. When your having “conversations” like these with your husband that’s a fair comment in my book.

🤣🤣🤣

Dear lord.

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 16:31

It's also very bizarre the conclusion you have come to about OP having a conversation with her husband about the way he treats the younger children, yet him having these conversations with her about what he wants her to do regarding the older children is apparently fine and not marriage destroying at all

Funny that isn't it. Almost like the only thing that matters are step children and if I have any concerns about our DC I shouldn't ever raise them.

Tamzo, did you even read any of the post where I gave a list of examples of things he does that show he overcompensates sometimes quite drastically i.e. to the point we struggle financially or he can't contribute toward what our children need because of this? Or do you also think that's nothing to do with guilt/spoiling and totally reasonable and normal and I shouldn't raise it with him? Or are you conveniently ignoring all of that because it doesn't fit your idea that this is solely about a random trip out with the older kids?

OP posts:
HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 16:36

i honestly think the kids would benefit more by op NOT being there. But then I’m not a child psychologist as you appear to be.

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 16:38

@Loco323

Also didn’t realise I had to do whatever my husband asked of me

The fact you took me saying “you weren’t going to do as he asked” in regards to him asking this one thing involving his children and interpreted it as me implying you have to be subservient to your husband, which then put your back up speaks volumes. If that’s the attitude you have when he asks you to do anything with him then good luck with that.

Being asked to do something has nothing to do with being a subservient wife and unless you always have to have your own way and be right all the time you wouldn’t be offended by being asked to do something and wouldnt make that immediate and bizarre leap, where it wasn’t implied.

Therealjudgejudy · 10/05/2022 16:39

You are not unreasonable OP. You sound like a very good, hands on step mum.
@Tamzo85 .. You sound delusional. Maybe try reading what the options has actually written and stop making up a load of nonsense. You are coming as across as extremely bitter and projecting.

Starfish75 · 10/05/2022 16:46

Your husband is not asking much from you at all and it can make a big difference to the older children's well being. Those older children may even look after your little ones one day too if you build a good relationship. And you already have your parents around to help out. Sorry op but you sound selfish. Put the kids first, step kids, blood kids, who cares. They are kids and kids need love no matter how old they are.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 16:48

Your husband is not asking much from you at all

Very much a matter of opinion.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 10/05/2022 16:55

Starfish75 · 10/05/2022 16:46

Your husband is not asking much from you at all and it can make a big difference to the older children's well being. Those older children may even look after your little ones one day too if you build a good relationship. And you already have your parents around to help out. Sorry op but you sound selfish. Put the kids first, step kids, blood kids, who cares. They are kids and kids need love no matter how old they are.

Jesus Christ. Have you even read the OP's posts or just decided to pile on because she's a stepmum, thus automatically in the wrong?!

He's asking for a hell of a lot. The step kids have a relationship, which has come about from spending family time together. Exactly how is sending half the children away once a month, and never giving them that same time, conducive to forming positive sibling relationships?

OP treats the SC with love, spends time with them. She also works full time and has two young children she'd like to spend time with.

For the hard of thinking: She is more than happy to do an occasional day out just the SC, she simply does not want to sacrifice one weekend a month with her own children to spend with someone else's.

Scianel · 10/05/2022 16:59

Your husband is not asking much from you at all

For one thing he's asking his parents in law to babysit once a month. Leaving aside the massive impact this request will have on a full time working mother with two small children and two step-children that spend a lot of time with them, are they just more random props in this whole thing?

Scianel · 10/05/2022 16:59

Oh and that should say, babysit overnight. Not even just for a couple of hours. Overnight.

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 17:02

The fact you took me saying “you weren’t going to do as he asked” in regards to him asking this one thing involving his children and interpreted it as me implying you have to be subservient to your husband, which then put your back up speaks volumes. If that’s the attitude you have when he asks you to do anything with him then good luck with that

It's quite ironic actually that you take grievance at me misconstruing one thing you've said when you have repeatedly and consistently done it to me throughout. Annoying isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 17:05

And not even misconstrued, you've deliberately (if it's not deliberate I'm afraid I have to question your ability to read so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it is deliberate) made things up I've not said over and over again.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 10/05/2022 17:07

OP, I'd ignore those who hate all SM (and I say this as someone who is not a SM and I don't like my DC SM, but YANBU).

You aren't your SC mum and you aren't an equal parent in terms of responsibility. Unless you adopt them this doesn't change. He should simply have less 'me' time as he's the one with 4DC.

I would step back from any communication on you adapting your life and your DC life to fit them unless it works positively for all of you. I would say to him, when these selfish ideas appear to him, no that doesn't work for me and DC. Don't get stressed or have long discussions, "no" can be enough.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 17:10

Starfish75 · 10/05/2022 16:46

Your husband is not asking much from you at all and it can make a big difference to the older children's well being. Those older children may even look after your little ones one day too if you build a good relationship. And you already have your parents around to help out. Sorry op but you sound selfish. Put the kids first, step kids, blood kids, who cares. They are kids and kids need love no matter how old they are.

Does love equate to a day a month spent devoted to DSC or are there other ways to express love and nurture children?

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 17:11

Scianel · 10/05/2022 16:59

Your husband is not asking much from you at all

For one thing he's asking his parents in law to babysit once a month. Leaving aside the massive impact this request will have on a full time working mother with two small children and two step-children that spend a lot of time with them, are they just more random props in this whole thing?

Evidently.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 17:16

I find the assertion from some posters that devoting a day a month to the eldest DC is integral to the mental well-being of those DC really odd. Why? Not every single family, blended or together does this.

Are we suggesting the children will wither and die without it?

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 18:07

I didn’t take issue with you misconstruing it, I simply found your interpretation of it telling and not unexpected.

Tinyleopard · 10/05/2022 18:16

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 18:07

I didn’t take issue with you misconstruing it, I simply found your interpretation of it telling and not unexpected.

As well all have with your deliberate misconstruing. It's getting boring.

mynameisbrian · 10/05/2022 18:19

funny thing as a full time worker with 4 DC spanning a wide age range I dont send young ones off so I can engage with my older ones. In some ways its fortunate that the OP DH has the opportunity to spend time with his older DC as that will be what they want too. I had zero interest hanging out with my step mum and younger sister. I wanted time with my dad which funny enough i never got. You sound like a good stepmum and I dont know why your DH is making such a big issue when there really isnt one .

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 18:21

Tamzo85 · 10/05/2022 18:07

I didn’t take issue with you misconstruing it, I simply found your interpretation of it telling and not unexpected.

I find your deliberate attempts to 'interpret' (or make up) everything I say very telling also. So let's just agree to disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 18:22

Also I really need to know... How do you define once in a blue moon Tamzo? I've asked a few times now 🤣

OP posts: