'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

What you seem to be struggling with is the OP is not excluding her SC. She's happy to do things with them, both as a whole family and occasionally with just them alone. In fact, she's already doing just that and they get alone time once the little ones are in bed.She just doesn't want her own children excluding further.

Interesting posting style you have by the way. Very familiar to another poster who's disappeared from the thread but had equal difficulties with comprehension.

If it really matters so much to you, just read the thread yourself and make up your own mind! 🤔

How do you know the children's feelings? You're guessing also. This request has come from a Disney dad who likes to overcompensate through guilt, which attitudes like yours only enforce.

It is very possible, seeing as they don't live with him full-time, the SC love having dad all to themselves and would see SM's involvement on these outings every month as an intrusion.

How do you know the children's feelings? You're guessing also. This request has come from a Disney dad who likes to overcompensate through guilt, which attitudes like yours only enforce.

Exactly. Frankly, I find the suggestion that ALL children with younger siblings MUST be expecting their parents will send those siblings away sometimes to spend time with just them pretty bizarre. I've never known a child expect this. In all the families I have ever encountered, it's the natural and obvious assumption once a new child is born, that they will be there pretty much all the time besides when they're in bed or at school etc. There is no "oh, I thought you'd send little Timmy to grandma's sometimes so it's just us". That is just an assumption fabricated by people on this thread. It isn't the standard.

Crikey. Some people really struggle with comprehension don't they!

I don't think, and OP can jump in if she wishes to, that anyone is seriously suggesting that this happens every month. And I've already said there is no need for this much of a commitment

Except he did suggest it should be every month and that's what the thread was about.. it's in my OP...

But phew at least you've said there is no need. I can rest easy now.

To answer those asking, I did mention during the argument that I don't have a problem with one on one time every now and then but wasn't going to schedule off a weekend a month or ask my parents for regular childcare for this to happen. He wasn't happy with that. He's still in a huff but he knows where I stand with it so.

I agree with PPs we need to have a better conversation about a whole range of stuff like his guilt and the way he overcompensates and how that makes me feel in relation to our other DC. It's hard though, anything I say is seen as an attack on his kids.

And to answer further, he doesn't have any family here. They live in a different country which is why he's asked me to ask my parents.

😂

You sound a bit harsh. Its his kids. He WANTS you involved. And you just say "no"

Well. I wonder how your marriage is going to go in say 3 years... 😐

Great another one

She is involved. Heavily. That's not the issue

🤦🏻‍♀️

Have you even bothered to read the OP's posts?

Tell that to him on the weekends where he's refusing to do anything nice with the kids they share. It's his kids. She WANTS him involved. And he just says "no"? I wonder how the marriage will be in 3 years...

You sound a bit harsh. Its his kids. He WANTS you involved. And you just say "no"

Okay so you want a woman who works FT, has two young children plus two step-children there most weekends plus mid-week, to commit to one weekend out of every four, and better yet to commit her parents to this, where she has no time with her own two youngest and no time for herself, to see friends, anything at all... and you think if their marriage is up shit creek in three years time it'll be her fault?
Fuck me the woman-hating on here never ceases to amaze.

That couldn’t be further from what OP has said. She is actively trying to reach a compromise.

I'm glad you clarified that with 'in MN-land'.. I love being a step parent and still have a good relationship with my SC even though they're adults now and I'm not with their dad anymore. I think it entirely depends on your mindset going into it. Some of us do actually just treat them like an extension of our own kids.

And some don't. Like my exh who was a vile step parent to my DC.

OP sounds like she's a good step mum in general, engaged and inclusive. But I also don't think her DH is being massively unreasonable (apart from expecting overnight trips with just the bigger kids). An afternoon of 'big kid' activities here and there every couple of months just sounds like a regular thing for larger families like mine when you've got kids with such a big age gap.

But that's the reality with families where there are more than 1 child.

I had lots of 1-2-1 time with my eldest, a little with my second and maybe once a year if lucky with my 3rd and 4th.

When I noticed that my eldest 2 started being really snipy with each other I organised some evenings where I took just the older two to bowling, cinema etc whilst my ex looked after the younger two. It had a real positive impact. I think that 1 parent on their own is more beneficial than 2 parents as there is a bigger focus and they can talk more freely.

And parents deserve a break too! Both working full time and with 4 kids does not leave them with any time at all really. The DSC are getting quality time with their dad which is what is important. They have a very involved mum so op doesn't have to be their mother. There is no problem other than her DH.

Yanbu, if he wants this he can sort childcare (not your parents!)
I'm a parent and stepparent although slightly different as my stepsons mother only sees him once a month or so (her choice). I have a son from a previous relationship too and we have a child together. I spend time with my son alone and my partner spends time with his alone. We also spend time with our daughter alone. Then also together as a family unit. We don't ship the other kids off for 2;1 time though!

I'd absolutely not go along with this. I wouldn't ship my DC off once a month just so DH could play Disney Dad with his 2. Maybe as a birthday treat or something during the summer hols but absolutely no to once a month. Those DC have got 2 biological parents. Is he getting pressure from their DM or maybe he's over compensating for the fact she doesn't have them at the w/e? What would he do if you asked to not have the DSC once a month so you could spent quality time with your 2 together?
To be honest, it sounds like you were all doing fine and the balance is right. If the kids were all yours, you'd maybe take them out individually as a treat but not a regular thing.
Oh and by the way, my DS is spoilt and I fully admit to it. Kids can be spoilt and not act like spoilt brats (that was for the haters).

What actually is the point of him?

You sound like just another nice young woman who walked into being skivvy/au pair for a man and his ex.

You have the most weekends and during the week.....and he now is thinking your parents should be facilitating his children having time with you while your own children are looked after by your parents.

Unbelievable.

You work full time too.

What EXACTLY was appealing about this situation.

I honestly don't get it.

His older children are his priority.

His younger children are not.

He is utterly focused on his older children and yours are an afterthought, whilst you try to compensate.

I think you have made a huge mistake and need to look long and hard at where you are.

You and your children deserve better than this disney dad who only comes alive when his older children are about.

How convenient for his ex that you are there every weekend for childcare🙄.

You are being made an awful mug of, you deserve better.

How do your finances work?
Are you paying for his children too?
Despite them having two working parents?

“I agree with PP we need to have a better conversation about his guilt and the way he overcompensates and how that makes me feel in relation to our other DC”

OP it really sounds like you are unable to take on anyones perspective but yours and see that as right all the time. Both from the above comment and from the way you’ve been getting mad with any one who has told you YABU here. Disagreement is alright, but you just think your 100% right and won’t consider otherwise and only want to hear agreement and anything else angers you.

You are saying you are going to sit your husband down and tell him about the guilt you’ve decided he has and how that makes him overcompensate and how that in essence means - your right and he was wrong and you and he shouldn’t do anything separately with his DC. Think about how that reads. You’ve psycho analysed him, decided you know how he feels and your going to tell him so all as a precursor to you saying your not going to be spending time alone with his Dc and him. And you frame this as some kind of conversation which will be good for your relationship? You must be kidding.

Another poster said, I wonder how your marriage is going to go in 3 years. When your having “conversations” like these with your husband that’s a fair comment in my book.

your right and he was wrong and you and he shouldn’t do anything separately with his DC

WHERE have I said he shouldn't do anything separately with his DC? WHERE? No where I think you'll find. I don't mind if you disagree Tamzo but no I won't sit here and quietly accept utter made up crap I've not said. You've done it throughout this thread, sorry if you don't like being called out on that.

Another poster said, I wonder how your marriage is going to go in 3 years. When your having “conversations” like these with your husband that’s a fair comment in my book

Yes heaven forbid I have a CONVERSATION with my husband about how I feel. What do you recommend I do? Let me guess, sit by and just do whatever he asks of me, pretend my DSC aren't spoilt by him when they are and excuse absolutely everything he does by saying 'but they have it worse so it's fine'.

You are absolutely determined to twist everything I've said into something worse and at times, completely fabricated. It's ridiculous.

@Loco323

If you say so, obviously we disagree on the core issue and will continue to. And I think the way your going to sit your husband down and tell him his own mind like a therapist all while telling him you won’t be spending the time with his DC he asked is a shockingly bad and unaware way to approach saying no to this. Which is how it read to me.

But in all seriousness I would ask you to have a little more sensitivity to how the children might feel even if you don’t do this. After all they no doubt have complex feelings about their new siblings and their fathers new family you probably aren’t even aware of and they may never share. I get it, you want to protect YOUR kids, but a little gesture can go a long way.

Oh and by the way, my DS is spoilt and I fully admit to it. Kids can be spoilt and not act like spoilt brats (that was for the haters).

I know I'm still confused about the recoil of horror at the word spoilt. I didn't call them spoilt brats 🤣 I said they were spoilt... And they are. Them having separated parents doesn't make it impossible for them to be spoilt for goodness sake. Get over it.

And I think the way your going to sit your husband down and tell him his own mind like a therapist all while telling him you won’t be spending the time with his DC he asked is a shockingly bad

I don't have the energy to even engage with this honestly. I've not said I won't be spending time with his children. But I think you know that. Yes I've said I won't do it once a month but as you said in your own post (which I asked about and you conveniently didn't respond to me- ha), I've said I will do it every now and then or 'once in a blue moon' as you yourself put it.