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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 14:12

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:03

The answer is really simple. Don't marry someone with DCs.... shocker!

What happens if you do have parents available to take your own kids 1 weekend in 4 when you get married to a man who already has DC, but then they selfishly die, get ill or take a job that involves weekend work? Again, since the ability to offer parental care for 25% of the weekends in the year is such a standard part of the step parenting deal, there must also be a policy for what happens then. Does the marriage spontaneously combust if your parents die? Are they still expected to have your DC if they're in hospital? Enquiring minds want to know.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:17

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 14:12

What happens if you do have parents available to take your own kids 1 weekend in 4 when you get married to a man who already has DC, but then they selfishly die, get ill or take a job that involves weekend work? Again, since the ability to offer parental care for 25% of the weekends in the year is such a standard part of the step parenting deal, there must also be a policy for what happens then. Does the marriage spontaneously combust if your parents die? Are they still expected to have your DC if they're in hospital? Enquiring minds want to know.

Show quote history

OP’s kids are second kids. They’ll cope left alone with a bowl of food and water.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:19

@AppleandRhubarbTart please refer to my previous comment. Don't get married to someone with DC. I've never said she had to give up 25% of her weekends. I have also never said her parents need to look after her children. That's not my battle and you are being disingenuous in attributing it to me.

Some one on one time wouldn't go amiss. If you don't want the hassle - don't get married to someone with DC. It's not rocket science. I wouldn't. Don't pretend to be a martyr SP, say you won't do it, make it clear to the kids and carry on regardless if that's what you want. Don't come on here moaning about your deadbeat DH and his Disney proclivities. If he isn't a good enough father to your kids and you don't want to parent his, get out get out now.

Moaning about taking on other people's children is just trying to blame people for your mistake - you are not obligated to marry anyone.

Scianel · 10/05/2022 14:20

you are not obligated to marry anyone

Likewise she's not obligated to listen to shit advice from someone frantically projecting on an internet forum.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:20

@HotDogKetchup tad dramatic there. Wouldn't say grandparents are that neglectful. Also bears no relation to my comment - don't marry someone with DC = no SC drama.

PeekAtYou · 10/05/2022 14:21

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:03

The answer is really simple. Don't marry someone with DCs.... shocker!

Or even better ... think more before having kids with your partner. I'm not bashing OP but too many mums and dads don't think more carefully before having children with a new partner and don't work on their guilt.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:21

@Scianel she came on here to do so. No one made her do that either.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:22

@PeekAtYou agreed. Probably the best advice.

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 14:22

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:19

@AppleandRhubarbTart please refer to my previous comment. Don't get married to someone with DC. I've never said she had to give up 25% of her weekends. I have also never said her parents need to look after her children. That's not my battle and you are being disingenuous in attributing it to me.

Some one on one time wouldn't go amiss. If you don't want the hassle - don't get married to someone with DC. It's not rocket science. I wouldn't. Don't pretend to be a martyr SP, say you won't do it, make it clear to the kids and carry on regardless if that's what you want. Don't come on here moaning about your deadbeat DH and his Disney proclivities. If he isn't a good enough father to your kids and you don't want to parent his, get out get out now.

Moaning about taking on other people's children is just trying to blame people for your mistake - you are not obligated to marry anyone.

You said what OP was complaining about was a standard part of the step parenting deal.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:23

Some one on one time wouldn't go amiss. If you don't want the hassle - don't get married to someone with DC.

OP has said very clearly, that she has no objection to some one on one time. It is not the “one on one” time she is resisting, but the frequency of that time.

So by your own admission, she isn’t doing anything wrong? So what’s your point?

Scianel · 10/05/2022 14:24

@W1ngingit Ignoring you would be a lot less drastic than divorcing her husband.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:25

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:20

@HotDogKetchup tad dramatic there. Wouldn't say grandparents are that neglectful. Also bears no relation to my comment - don't marry someone with DC = no SC drama.

My response was in relation to the GP’s not being able to provide childcare and how SP duties would be fulfilled in the absence of that childcare. When duties involve the obligation to have 1-2-1 time using childcare provided by GP.

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 14:25

If OP dedicated 1 in 4 weekends to just the older kids then she'd be told that she was prevented dad having one on one time with the older kids.

Exactly!
And I bet these same people berating the OP are still expecting the OP’s DH to have one to one time with his older kids as well as the time just him, OP and his older kids. I wonder if the other 2 weekends would be dedicated to his younger children, or would just spent catching up on stuff, getting some over time in, nursing his guilt for his older ones, etc…

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:26

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 14:25

If OP dedicated 1 in 4 weekends to just the older kids then she'd be told that she was prevented dad having one on one time with the older kids.

Exactly!
And I bet these same people berating the OP are still expecting the OP’s DH to have one to one time with his older kids as well as the time just him, OP and his older kids. I wonder if the other 2 weekends would be dedicated to his younger children, or would just spent catching up on stuff, getting some over time in, nursing his guilt for his older ones, etc…

He can’t possibly dedicate the other weekends to his younger DC as they still have DSC on the remaining weekends. So it’s all 4 or just the elder 2.

notagamer · 10/05/2022 14:27

Pleas can someone put me out of my misery

has the OP ever said if she actually went back to her DH and she said that a compromise might be more realistic… a few times a year perhaps. She’s said she would totally be up for that. On this thread but has she actually said it to her husband?

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:29

notagamer · 10/05/2022 14:27

Pleas can someone put me out of my misery

has the OP ever said if she actually went back to her DH and she said that a compromise might be more realistic… a few times a year perhaps. She’s said she would totally be up for that. On this thread but has she actually said it to her husband?

She said he said she doesn’t care about the DSC.

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 14:30

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:26

He can’t possibly dedicate the other weekends to his younger DC as they still have DSC on the remaining weekends. So it’s all 4 or just the elder 2.

Show quote history

Ah I see. Does he have his older children every weekend then?

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 14:33

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 14:30

Ah I see. Does he have his older children every weekend then?

Show quote history

OP has said he has them more weekends than not.

notagamer · 10/05/2022 14:37

In confused @HotDogKetchup

so… op DID try to compromise and say a few times a year
but then what?

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:38

Right ladies, I'll leave you to it as I do actually have a job to do. OP came on here for advice, you open yourself to it, you get it. I haven't slung names at anyone, sworn or been rude. I've said what I think. And what I'm seeing here is an echo chamber of some die hards on this thread who don't really care about the SC, but do want to suggest that the younger children are being neglected.

DH might be a shit, but that's not what OP asked. I think she should spend some time with the kids. Not "once in a blue moon" not 25% of her weekends either (which I think people have knowingly misrepresented as the realistic exception of her DH).

@Scianel "shit advice" is your view. I wouldn't say the same for your advice we just disagree. One of us has the ability to be sensible about these things.

Ta Ta

notagamer · 10/05/2022 14:38

Or is it another one of those threads that actually reveal the real issue is the op and husband have a bad marriage and it’s just one example of a ream of disagreements and issues?

six666 · 10/05/2022 14:40

Having read your whole thread, including some replies that really do seemed unjustifiably critical, I can see no reason to change my initial reaction which was that you are in no way being in the least bit unreasonable....

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 14:48

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 14:38

Right ladies, I'll leave you to it as I do actually have a job to do. OP came on here for advice, you open yourself to it, you get it. I haven't slung names at anyone, sworn or been rude. I've said what I think. And what I'm seeing here is an echo chamber of some die hards on this thread who don't really care about the SC, but do want to suggest that the younger children are being neglected.

DH might be a shit, but that's not what OP asked. I think she should spend some time with the kids. Not "once in a blue moon" not 25% of her weekends either (which I think people have knowingly misrepresented as the realistic exception of her DH).

@Scianel "shit advice" is your view. I wouldn't say the same for your advice we just disagree. One of us has the ability to be sensible about these things.

Ta Ta

And it isn't you.

notagamer · 10/05/2022 14:49

@six666 if you have read thread please could you confirm whether OP tried to compromise with DH and say that a few times a year would work - which she repeatedly said she would be fine with on this thread

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 15:04

DH might be a shit, but that's not what OP asked. I think she should spend some time with the kids. Not "once in a blue moon" not 25% of her weekends either (which I think people have knowingly misrepresented as the realistic exception of her DH).

Nobody is misrepresenting anything, that's literally what he wants to happen. OP is fine with occasionally and/or when it happens naturally in day to day life ie when the kids are in bed/in nursery when the SC are off school. This is perfectly normal.

Anyway, glad you've had enough of repeating the same nonsense without reading the information in the OP!