'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

I am a child of divorce :) These kids have a brilliant set up and engaging paternal family

So why do you think they specifically need to go out of the house to do one on one time? Especially when they already do it?

@w1ngingit

I think if OP is so upset about how her kids are treated vs the SC there can't be a good atmosphere in the house and the kids will pick that up.

So OP's not allowed to be concerned about her own kids and has to put herself and her kids last so that her step-kids don't pick on a bad atmosphere?

Why is everything the OP's fault in your head, and the DH gets off scot free?

I have 4 kids and had a different issue with my ex. I was so involved with the little 2 that I wanted to do some things with just the older 2.

It was really good when I did but my ex of course didn't like it because it meant that he actually had to do some parenting (looking after the younger 2 on his own), or taking the older 2 out. He kept moaning so didn't do it very often.

I think it is actually really good for him to spend quality time with his older two on his own. They have a good relationship with their mum too so I don't think there is a need for more involvement from you at this stage, especially as you're already so stretched and when you have your kids looked after it is good for you to get some time off!

This is an interesting dilemma. OP, it seems there’s a lot more going on than your husband’s specific request here and I’d recommend using it as an opportunity to reset some of what’s going on in your family.

• The two adults taking the older two DSC out without the younger ones currently doesn’t happen at all. He’d like it once a month, you’d be willing to do it 4 times a year. You could offer to do that.
• the two adults taking the two younger kids to something like soft play without the older two currently doesn’t happen at all. You’d like it occasionally, would he commit to 4 times a year?
• your husband taking out his older children individually rather than as a pair currently doesn’t happen at all, and it seems to me this would be a good idea to improve 1:1 individual relationships
• making a big fuss of the older 2 currently happens a lot (to the extent that they are ‘spoiled’) and you think it stems from guilt, perhaps he’d be willing to work on that guilt and spoil them less and spend time in different ways (as above)

YANBU at all OP

Finally, yes this is part of the deal when you are a SP

No it isn't. Foisting your own DC on your parents during 25% of the available weekends so you can look after the DSC without their presence is not part of the step parenting deal. That claim gets dafter with every repetition.

The SC had to be at least 6/7 and 9 (probably younger) when they started forming a relationship with OP, they would have had their own relationship with her I would hope. Yes - time is more restricted now, they are not OP's children, but are you going to sit down with them and say that when they wonder why they don't get alone time with her any more? Or are they just going to feel pushed to the side. It's very clear to kids when someones "real children" arrive that they are second best. Why not try to address head on.

They have no reason to wonder why they don't see their step mum without the younger kids in the same way that the oldest SC would have no reason to wonder why they don't get time with their parents without the younger SC. It's because the younger children now exist, and didn't before. That is just normal family life with siblings.

I am not, nor have I ever said she needs to do this once a month. But if she did, that is not 25% of her weekends.

Yes, it literally is. An overnight on a two day weekend once a month is 25% of weekends.

Finally, yes this is part of the deal when you are a SP. It might not be particularly attractive and people don't discuss the ins and outs, but you can't walk into kids lives and say only on my terms and until I have my own. That is not how kids should be treated.

No, it is not. Who made you the authority? You have point blank refused to acknowledge that there is absolutely nothing to suggest "most" parents do this with even their own kids. Where is your evidence of that? Half the parents on this thread have said they do not do this, in fact it is a pretty common mantra on here (especially on threads where a SM complains about their DP never spending time with their joint kids when the SC are there) that the standard parenting approach with multiple children is "divide and conquer". So one parent does things with one kid while the other looks after the other. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest, no matter how many times you say it, that most parents regularly send their younger kids elsewhere so BOTH parents can spend time with the older one's. That is simply not true.

I didn't say it was all OP's fault. But that doesn't mean she shouldn't spend some alone time with them and yes god forbid on a weekend out of the house.

I wonder what you think the toddler and baby are actually missing out on? Is it that the older child got a phone the monetary value of more than the younger children's presents? That they don't get cooked Sunday lunch? I'm not sure about you but, my 3 year old doesn't even complain about not having a roast dinner on Sunday.

OP didn't say her kids don't go to soft play, just that they haven't done so with out the SC. Do you think that the younger children even noticed feel/are neglected? If so OP should either say that's not acceptable or leave. If she has these concerns she should act on them - that doesn't mean he is doing the right thing, but it's clear OP is the only one who will do anything about it. If DH was on here we could all tell him!

There is absolutely no reason to expect that parents will go out of the way to arrange regular, frequent overnight babysitting for younger children to spend time exclusively with the elder, as pretty much any parent of more than one child will tell you. Even less to expect that someone who isn’t the children’s parent will do so. I buses to take my nephew here, there and everywhere without my children by dint of their not existing at the time; I still do now but always with my children, and they all love it. I wouldn’t be asking my parents to babysit my young children overnight so I could spend that time alone with him, and they’re his grandparents! My sister - his mum - would think I was weird if I suggested it. He has two parents that he gets focused attention from; I’m another adult in his extended family and we love each other but he doesn’t need time with me to the exclusion of other kids (actually, all of the children benefit more from the time together than they do from being with the accompanying adults.) And it works both ways, I have only fun with him, I don’t go to his parents evening, I don’t make him brush his teeth, I don’t choose when he gets a phone. It’s the same thing here.

Has anyone actually tried to spend an evening with older children with a toddler and baby around - wonder who gets the most attention. And before someone comes back saying they watched a movie until 10pm the other night (what do you want a round of applause)?

Nobody is asking for a round of applause. They’re just answering you.
My eldest and I love our time together when the younger ones have gone to bed.

Why is everything the OP's fault in your head, and the DH gets off scot free?

Oh why doesn’t that surprise me?

I am not, nor have I ever said she needs to do this once a month. But if she did, that is not 25% of her weekends.

OP has said she is happy to do it on occasion, but not once per month. Which then contradicts your last paragraph, as OP has essentially agreed that yes, she would do this but not as frequently as once per month.

@aSofaNearYou They have no reason to wonder why they don't see their step mum without the younger kids in the same way that the oldest SC would have no reason to wonder why they don't get time with their parents without the younger SC. It's because the younger children now exist, and didn't before. That is just normal family life with siblings.

This is funny - now you are saying that you can dictate what the children think. Not sure that that's how it goes. More accurately you can say you don't care what they think they should get on with it.

Yes, it literally is. An overnight on a two day weekend once a month is 25% of weekends.

I don't think, and OP can jump in if she wishes to, that anyone is seriously suggesting that this happens every month. And I've already said there is no need for this much of a commitment.

No, it is not. Who made you the authority? You have point blank refused to acknowledge that there is absolutely nothing to suggest "most" parents do this with even their own kids. Where is your evidence of that? Half the parents on this thread have said they do not do this, in fact it is a pretty common mantra on here (especially on threads where a SM complains about their DP never spending time with their joint kids when the SC are there) that the standard parenting approach with multiple children is "divide and conquer". So one parent does things with one kid while the other looks after the other. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest, no matter how many times you say it, that most parents regularly send their younger kids elsewhere so BOTH parents can spend time with the older one's. That is simply not true.

I never said that I am the authority. SP's do take on a roll in a child's life, if the child is around and stays with the parent they are marrying. You may not like that but that is and should be the case. I don't actually think most SPs would disagree with that. If they can't do that they shouldn't become SPs - the clue is in the name.

This tiny thread of MN is not a straw poll of what parents do either. I have not said this more than once, so don't need to keep repeating it and I am not the authority. In any event this is not a single family unite, this is a blended family and things will be different as they should be. What frequently happens with families with an age gap is the younger kids have some childcare when the older ones do not, yes, nursery doesn't coincide with term dates etc etc. It's not something to get angry about, spending some one on one time with older children.

I was too wondering the extent of the obligation of OP’s parents because OP has become a SP.

Which part of OP becoming a SP entitled her OH and obliged her parents to facilitate activities for the benefit of their step grandchildren?

Was it in the small print?

Perhaps OP’s parents should have considered this before having children themselves….

Does anyone else think that, at least in MN-land, step-parenting has all the downsides of being a parent and none of the upsides?
I would genuinely rather pour bleach in my eyes than step-parent. Utterly thankless.

@w1ngingit

OP didn't say her kids don't go to soft play, just that they haven't done so with out the SC.

No, that's not what's happening, they wouldn't go to soft play because her husband doesn't want to do an activity focused on the younger kids.

It's hilarious watching you make up your own thread.

Do you think that the younger children even noticed feel/are neglected? If so OP should either say that's not acceptable or leave.

Younger children get older and will absolutely notice that their father only wants to do activities with their older siblings.

If she has these concerns she should act on them - that doesn't mean he is doing the right thing, but it's clear OP is the only one who will do anything about it. If DH was on here we could all tell him!

On this we agree.

Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

The only person stopping him from making the effort is himself. OP isn’t getting in the way of him doing anything. He can always take them out on his own.

As I have said, I wouldn't marry someone with children end of. It's a responsibility. You didn't birth them and you have many thankless task. I'd expect the same of any SF too. Don't do it. Children are hard and easily damaged.

Agreed!! You must treat step children exactly the same - except older children rarely get tons of special one on one time when younger siblings arrive in a non blended family - so really it’s saying step children should get extra special treatment.

Also, what happens if you choose to marry a man with DC and you don't have parents available to have your DC one in four weekends so you can be with DSC? Is there some government body that issues you with another set of parents to babysit? If it's that standard, there'll surely be some kind of procedure.

The answer is really simple. Don't marry someone with DCs.... shocker!

The answer!

Love and treat SK and treat them like children within the family!

Absolutely.

Although there are no “downsides” only blessing after blessing with DSC.

That’s a pretty drastic answer to a pretty minor disagreement within a marriage.

If OP dedicated 1 in 4 weekends to just the older kids then she'd be told that she was prevented dad having one on one time with the older kids.

OP- if you do the once a month thing, make sure your h does the parenting and mental load of deciding what to do and booking tickets. Hoping I'm wrong but too many dads get the stepmums doing the donkey work of booking and organizing.