Page 19 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Loco323 · 2022-05-09T14:20:41+00:00

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12. We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Basically he was saying *we* need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us. I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me. My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so. I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... [hmm] what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me. They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me. Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:33

The venom on this thread about spoilt, entitled children. How the poor younger children are being neglected is beyond all reason. Tons of what I can only assume are step mums saying this is not your responsibility, this is nothing to do with OP.... amazing it's like the adult SM/SD who marries someone with kids doesn't know that they will have to continue to plough effort into them. And no, not just having them stay at their house.

I still haven't seen anything about OP's original relationship with these kids? How old they were when she rocked up. Whether she spent any time with them before she had here own. Plenty of people saying that DH's DC wouldn't want any time with OP but how can you possibly know that if you don't know what she was like with them before.

My daughter's SM was amazing with my daughter even after she had two of her own. Made her feel part of everything. Much to my annoyance when I was young and immature, but I look back now and see how amazing this was. I don't see a lot of sympathy for these kids on here. Parents and SPs do not have a lot of time. That's life. If you don't want to deal with it don't marry someone with kids. I wouldn't!

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 12:35

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:20

He hasn't suggested she spend one whole weekend with them. Say it is one afternoon once a month, that is nowhere near 25%. Sorry to all the maths whizzes here!

Gosh, and he can’t manage ONE afternoon on his own with his kids? It really isn’t crucial for the OP to be there. Why on earth should she use her child free time for that?

AndAsIfByMagic · 10/05/2022 12:36

Gawd the poisonous step mother bashers are out in force. Utterly ridiculous.

Ignore the vipers, your DH is a prick and needs to up his game with his younger children.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:39

@funinthesun19 I like that you have jumped to the conclusion that this is his motive. "That" meaning her SC, she chose to take on. Slightly demeaning to call them "that"... but oh well they're 9 and 12 and by all accounts get too much attention as it is.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 12:39

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:33

The venom on this thread about spoilt, entitled children. How the poor younger children are being neglected is beyond all reason. Tons of what I can only assume are step mums saying this is not your responsibility, this is nothing to do with OP.... amazing it's like the adult SM/SD who marries someone with kids doesn't know that they will have to continue to plough effort into them. And no, not just having them stay at their house.

I still haven't seen anything about OP's original relationship with these kids? How old they were when she rocked up. Whether she spent any time with them before she had here own. Plenty of people saying that DH's DC wouldn't want any time with OP but how can you possibly know that if you don't know what she was like with them before.

My daughter's SM was amazing with my daughter even after she had two of her own. Made her feel part of everything. Much to my annoyance when I was young and immature, but I look back now and see how amazing this was. I don't see a lot of sympathy for these kids on here. Parents and SPs do not have a lot of time. That's life. If you don't want to deal with it don't marry someone with kids. I wouldn't!

Venom?? It's very obvious that there is only anything as extreme as that coming from YOUR side of the camp, darling. That kind of hyperbole has not been used by anyone to describe the SC.

It doesn't matter whether she used to spend time with them alone before. She spent time with them alone before because the other children didn't exist yet. It's perfectly natural that this quality time would widen to include any new children born rather than be upheld as an exclusive thing indefinitely. In fact, many, many people have said they do not do anything of the sort with children that are all theirs.

It is in no way an inherent thing that regular time with both parents and the older kids is something that must be prioritised, with younger children being sent elsewhere to facilitate it, either for parents or for step parents. Your willful ignorance of that fact and insistence that it is is making you extremely and laughably dramatic here.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:41

Anyway it seems as though OP has got what she wants out of this. Validation to not do things separately with the SC. Now she can go back to her DH and tell him that he treats the younger ones negligently, the younger ones need Disney dad too and all will be well. Seems like a happy functional set up.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 12:41

@W1ngingit

The venom on this thread about spoilt, entitled children.

What venom? Just one poster said that HER own step-children were spoilt and entitled and she left her DH. (And the issue was probably her ex being a Disney dad and letting the kids have no boundaries and less to do with the kids).

How have you extrapolated that into the thread being full of venom? Surely you should agree with that poster given you advised her to leave her DH too?

I still haven't seen anything about OP's original relationship with these kids?

I still haven't seen you employ any critical thinking in this thread, case in point your accusation that it's full of step-mums.

LoveSpringDaffs · 10/05/2022 12:41

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/05/2022 16:17

Of course there's a difference, I was just pointing out that the way you've expressed you're happy to do one but not the other sounds harsh. But if you do stuff as a family anyway, I think your DH is being unrealistic about making it a once a month thing. The occasional cinema trip or visit to zoo etc as just a foursome doesn't seem like that big an ask though?

but why in gods name should the OP get a babysitter to take her step children to thexoo or any other child friendly place? Unless there's something the older ones particularly want to do, that requires two adults & no younger children, it's just bonkers.

they do stuff as a family
they do 'bigger kids' stuff when the little ones are in bed.
DH spends time with just the older ones (so OP & little ones miss out)

unless, as I said, it's for something in particular, it's just ridiculous expecting this. Especially when the OP works full time & wants to spend the weekend with her children (& SC).

@Loco323

YANBU. & where are his parents/friends in all if this? Why is he saying to ask your parents, when they already do plenty??

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:44

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:22

If you didn't like what having step children involves - then you shouldn't have gotten involved with DH. It sounds like you see the older DC as adult - they are not, they are young children. The seem old in comparison to your own but they are still very young in terms of emotional development. I would hope that they formed some kind of bond with you before your DC were born and quite frankly you are being very cold hearted if you do not want to maintain that bond by spending some time with them separately from your own DC. It can be incredibly difficult for children in a blended family. How old were they when you came on the scene? Are you saying that you simply didn't bother spending quality time with them when you became their stepmum before your DC?

It might be unreasonable for him to say that you should ask your parents to look after the young ones. But I am genuinely surprised that you do not seem to take being a stepmum as a serious responsibility and that this coincides with your own DC being born. This sort of attitude is incredibly damaging to the emotional wellbeing of young children. Just having them a few nights a week in the general chaos of daily life is not the same as trying to maintain a relationship with them separately.

You should also think about your own children in this - if you don't put effort in to your step children, they will feel second best (which clearly to you they are - but you seem hell bent on them knowing that to01) and be less interested in engaging with your DC in later life - you might not be bothered - but I can assure you, your DC may well be. They are siblings, they will not want a fractious relationship with their older brother/sister. These relationships can be invaluable in later life.

I am surprised at so many posters saying this is not your responsibility. You married your DH knowing he had children. You took them on too, this is evident by how involved he is with his DC. Just because you have your own now does not mean that your commitment is null and void. You're the adult.

Since when was this arrangement an automatic expectation to being a step parent?

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 12:45

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:39

@funinthesun19 I like that you have jumped to the conclusion that this is his motive. "That" meaning her SC, she chose to take on. Slightly demeaning to call them "that"... but oh well they're 9 and 12 and by all accounts get too much attention as it is.

That= Spending the day with him and his children.

Why would she use her child free time for that?

I wasn’t calling the children that. Try reading again.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:45

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

You have jumped to the conclusion OP doesn’t want to be a SM and doesn’t value her SC? Where’s the evidence of that. Not wanting to devote one day/night a month to them is very different to wishing they didn’t exist.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:50

How old they were when she rocked up.

Did you arrive by mail order OP, this certainly sounds like it?!

What she did before is largely irrelevant, OP has come with a specific question not an overview of her whole life and interactions with her DSC.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:55

@HotDogKetchup oh I see, so it is also irrelevant as to how OP's OH has previously behaved? Of course it's relevant. These are young children. If you create the expectation that you are acting as a parent to them they have every reason for that bond to continue.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:58

@funinthesun19 it's still a very negative way to talk about spending time with your SC. Like that is below OP somehow. Odd really.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/05/2022 12:59

As someone who started a relationship with DC yabu.

I take my DC out separately, these DC should be part of your family and not just DH's problem.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 13:00

Why do you think the bond isn't continuing? They live with her a considerable amount of time. She spends a lot of time with them!

What is she doing wrong?

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 13:05

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/05/2022 12:59

As someone who started a relationship with DC yabu.

I take my DC out separately, these DC should be part of your family and not just DH's problem.

And many people with more than one children don't (especially not with both parents at once)!

It's good to be able to grasp that not everyone parents in the exact same way you do.

funinthesun19 · 10/05/2022 13:07

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:58

@funinthesun19 it's still a very negative way to talk about spending time with your SC. Like that is below OP somehow. Odd really.

She spends a lot of time with them though. I bet she does a lot for them.
She’s just not up for devoting her childfree time to going out with them.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 13:07

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:55

@HotDogKetchup oh I see, so it is also irrelevant as to how OP's OH has previously behaved? Of course it's relevant. These are young children. If you create the expectation that you are acting as a parent to them they have every reason for that bond to continue.

But no reason to expect it will continue without the new children after they are born. This is not a precedent that has been set.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 13:10

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/05/2022 12:59

As someone who started a relationship with DC yabu.

I take my DC out separately, these DC should be part of your family and not just DH's problem.

That would be fine if the youngest two weren’t excluded and the childcare wasn’t provided by OP’s parents - the youngest are family too?

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 13:13

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:55

@HotDogKetchup oh I see, so it is also irrelevant as to how OP's OH has previously behaved? Of course it's relevant. These are young children. If you create the expectation that you are acting as a parent to them they have every reason for that bond to continue.

Yes it’s irrelevant as this is not an ongoing arrangement but something new OP’s DH wants to initiate. It doesn’t relate to previous arrangements.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 13:18

@AskingforaBaskin and this questions is exactly why I think this conversation misses the entire point. The older children will have a lot to contend with, their family is split. Their father has another partner and now there are two young children in the frame. I think it is rather funny that people on here are suggesting that the older children get more attention. Has anyone actually tried to spend an evening with older children with a toddler and baby around - wonder who gets the most attention. And before someone comes back saying they watched a movie until 10pm the other night (what do you want a round of applause)?

The SC had to be at least 6/7 and 9 (probably younger) when they started forming a relationship with OP, they would have had their own relationship with her I would hope. Yes - time is more restricted now, they are not OP's children, but are you going to sit down with them and say that when they wonder why they don't get alone time with her any more? Or are they just going to feel pushed to the side. It's very clear to kids when someones "real children" arrive that they are second best. Why not try to address head on. I am not, nor have I ever said she needs to do this once a month. But if she did, that is not 25% of her weekends.

People are so focused on calling DH a dead beat, saying OP has enough on, that the kids are just collateral.

And no, it's not the same as one family where younger children show up after a significant age gap. The children in that family spend all their time with their parents - they are not moved pillar to post, do not have to contend with forming new bonds with new SPs. And even still, most parents do make some time for older children separately, even though this is difficult and time consuming.

Finally, yes this is part of the deal when you are a SP. It might not be particularly attractive and people don't discuss the ins and outs, but you can't walk into kids lives and say only on my terms and until I have my own. That is not how kids should be treated. I think if OP is so upset about how her kids are treated vs the SC there can't be a good atmosphere in the house and the kids will pick that up. You can't say that we need to behave like Kings and Queens are arriving when the SCs come around and then be all sweetness and light.

Lndnmummy · 10/05/2022 13:21

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:33

I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy. I think it's a nice idea, and if more step parents did it maybe we would have less threads about blended families not getting on.

You sound disinterested to me, I'm sure your husband is disappointed. You know how much you love your own children, so you just understand how much he loves them and wants them to have a bond with you?

Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

Completely agree with this!

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 13:22

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 13:18

@AskingforaBaskin and this questions is exactly why I think this conversation misses the entire point. The older children will have a lot to contend with, their family is split. Their father has another partner and now there are two young children in the frame. I think it is rather funny that people on here are suggesting that the older children get more attention. Has anyone actually tried to spend an evening with older children with a toddler and baby around - wonder who gets the most attention. And before someone comes back saying they watched a movie until 10pm the other night (what do you want a round of applause)?

The SC had to be at least 6/7 and 9 (probably younger) when they started forming a relationship with OP, they would have had their own relationship with her I would hope. Yes - time is more restricted now, they are not OP's children, but are you going to sit down with them and say that when they wonder why they don't get alone time with her any more? Or are they just going to feel pushed to the side. It's very clear to kids when someones "real children" arrive that they are second best. Why not try to address head on. I am not, nor have I ever said she needs to do this once a month. But if she did, that is not 25% of her weekends.

People are so focused on calling DH a dead beat, saying OP has enough on, that the kids are just collateral.

And no, it's not the same as one family where younger children show up after a significant age gap. The children in that family spend all their time with their parents - they are not moved pillar to post, do not have to contend with forming new bonds with new SPs. And even still, most parents do make some time for older children separately, even though this is difficult and time consuming.

Finally, yes this is part of the deal when you are a SP. It might not be particularly attractive and people don't discuss the ins and outs, but you can't walk into kids lives and say only on my terms and until I have my own. That is not how kids should be treated. I think if OP is so upset about how her kids are treated vs the SC there can't be a good atmosphere in the house and the kids will pick that up. You can't say that we need to behave like Kings and Queens are arriving when the SCs come around and then be all sweetness and light.

Once again showing you choose to rant before engaging your brain cell.

OP specifically posted they spend evenings alone with the older children and not the younger.

They don't need specific alone time with her outside of the home.

Let's stop the whole poor children od divorces parents BS.

More people are divorced than not. Its the norm

Most parents may make time for older kids. OP is not their parent. But their dad is and does.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 13:27

@AskingforaBaskin resulting to insults isn't a very thoughtful way of having a conversation. You appear to have a problem with children who may have issues in dealing with divorced/blended families. I am not sure why, it seems very aggressive when discussing two young children and their feelings.

I am not a child from a divorced or blended family, but just saying most people are divorced doesn't deal with the issues that many face during the aftermath. Most people have suffered bereavement too (and no I am not equating the too) but we don't say swallow your feelings and move on. Not very healthy way to deal with things really.