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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:22

If you didn't like what having step children involves - then you shouldn't have gotten involved with DH. It sounds like you see the older DC as adult - they are not, they are young children. The seem old in comparison to your own but they are still very young in terms of emotional development. I would hope that they formed some kind of bond with you before your DC were born and quite frankly you are being very cold hearted if you do not want to maintain that bond by spending some time with them separately from your own DC. It can be incredibly difficult for children in a blended family. How old were they when you came on the scene? Are you saying that you simply didn't bother spending quality time with them when you became their stepmum before your DC?

It might be unreasonable for him to say that you should ask your parents to look after the young ones. But I am genuinely surprised that you do not seem to take being a stepmum as a serious responsibility and that this coincides with your own DC being born. This sort of attitude is incredibly damaging to the emotional wellbeing of young children. Just having them a few nights a week in the general chaos of daily life is not the same as trying to maintain a relationship with them separately.

You should also think about your own children in this - if you don't put effort in to your step children, they will feel second best (which clearly to you they are - but you seem hell bent on them knowing that to01) and be less interested in engaging with your DC in later life - you might not be bothered - but I can assure you, your DC may well be. They are siblings, they will not want a fractious relationship with their older brother/sister. These relationships can be invaluable in later life.

I am surprised at so many posters saying this is not your responsibility. You married your DH knowing he had children. You took them on too, this is evident by how involved he is with his DC. Just because you have your own now does not mean that your commitment is null and void. You're the adult.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 11:24

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:22

If you didn't like what having step children involves - then you shouldn't have gotten involved with DH. It sounds like you see the older DC as adult - they are not, they are young children. The seem old in comparison to your own but they are still very young in terms of emotional development. I would hope that they formed some kind of bond with you before your DC were born and quite frankly you are being very cold hearted if you do not want to maintain that bond by spending some time with them separately from your own DC. It can be incredibly difficult for children in a blended family. How old were they when you came on the scene? Are you saying that you simply didn't bother spending quality time with them when you became their stepmum before your DC?

It might be unreasonable for him to say that you should ask your parents to look after the young ones. But I am genuinely surprised that you do not seem to take being a stepmum as a serious responsibility and that this coincides with your own DC being born. This sort of attitude is incredibly damaging to the emotional wellbeing of young children. Just having them a few nights a week in the general chaos of daily life is not the same as trying to maintain a relationship with them separately.

You should also think about your own children in this - if you don't put effort in to your step children, they will feel second best (which clearly to you they are - but you seem hell bent on them knowing that to01) and be less interested in engaging with your DC in later life - you might not be bothered - but I can assure you, your DC may well be. They are siblings, they will not want a fractious relationship with their older brother/sister. These relationships can be invaluable in later life.

I am surprised at so many posters saying this is not your responsibility. You married your DH knowing he had children. You took them on too, this is evident by how involved he is with his DC. Just because you have your own now does not mean that your commitment is null and void. You're the adult.

The ability to pull such BS out of ones arse should be recognised as an art form

10/10 chefs kiss

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 11:25

Having a DH who expects you to give up 25% of your precious weekends with your DC and your parents to take them for the entirety of that time because he can't be arsed looking after his older kids by himself isn't an innate part of step parenting, though.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:26

@AskingforaBaskin I applaud your detailed analysis of what I have said. Very adult.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 11:27

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:22

If you didn't like what having step children involves - then you shouldn't have gotten involved with DH. It sounds like you see the older DC as adult - they are not, they are young children. The seem old in comparison to your own but they are still very young in terms of emotional development. I would hope that they formed some kind of bond with you before your DC were born and quite frankly you are being very cold hearted if you do not want to maintain that bond by spending some time with them separately from your own DC. It can be incredibly difficult for children in a blended family. How old were they when you came on the scene? Are you saying that you simply didn't bother spending quality time with them when you became their stepmum before your DC?

It might be unreasonable for him to say that you should ask your parents to look after the young ones. But I am genuinely surprised that you do not seem to take being a stepmum as a serious responsibility and that this coincides with your own DC being born. This sort of attitude is incredibly damaging to the emotional wellbeing of young children. Just having them a few nights a week in the general chaos of daily life is not the same as trying to maintain a relationship with them separately.

You should also think about your own children in this - if you don't put effort in to your step children, they will feel second best (which clearly to you they are - but you seem hell bent on them knowing that to01) and be less interested in engaging with your DC in later life - you might not be bothered - but I can assure you, your DC may well be. They are siblings, they will not want a fractious relationship with their older brother/sister. These relationships can be invaluable in later life.

I am surprised at so many posters saying this is not your responsibility. You married your DH knowing he had children. You took them on too, this is evident by how involved he is with his DC. Just because you have your own now does not mean that your commitment is null and void. You're the adult.

What do you think about OP's DH not spending quality time with his younger dc with OP? Is it ok that he spends most weekends with his older dc but not his younger dc?

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 11:30

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:26

@AskingforaBaskin I applaud your detailed analysis of what I have said. Very adult.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 11:34

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

Because he wants to go away with OP and his older kids once a month. Ergo, 25% of weekends in a month.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:37

As an addendum to my original post, if OP thinks her DH is such a terrible father, spoils his older kids too much (which tbh if she just thinks about this a little is probably to do with guilt) and wants to spend all his time away from her DC why doesn't she leave??? Then hey presto, no SC, which she clearly resents.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 11:37

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

From OP:

My husband has never, for example, taken our younger DC to a soft play so he can focus on them doing something small child centric with them with no distractions. No, every time we have a weekend just us and the younger ones he doesn't want to go anywhere and when the older ones are there it's never really small child focused.
Going out all together as a family is great, but it's different. My younger ones rarely get their dads sole attention for the day as he's off doing whatever with the older kids.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/05/2022 11:38

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:37

As an addendum to my original post, if OP thinks her DH is such a terrible father, spoils his older kids too much (which tbh if she just thinks about this a little is probably to do with guilt) and wants to spend all his time away from her DC why doesn't she leave??? Then hey presto, no SC, which she clearly resents.

Where are you getting This BS from? She spends a lot of time with them. Movie nights other activities she never once shows any dislike to them or resents them as members of her family.

AppleandRhubarbTart · 10/05/2022 11:39

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

Saw it explained on page 16.

Re the younger ones, his own actions are evidence of this. OP has already told us about the way he behaves. It's a remarkable coincidence that he's come up with a plan that involves other people doing so much of the care for his DC.

And as I said, nothing about this setup is an innate part of step parenting. It just isn't. So the idea that OP shouldn't have entered into a relationship with a man who already had DC if she weren't prepared to do exactly this, including lumbering her own parents with childcare so she can spend time with the DSC, will not wash.

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 11:39

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:37

As an addendum to my original post, if OP thinks her DH is such a terrible father, spoils his older kids too much (which tbh if she just thinks about this a little is probably to do with guilt) and wants to spend all his time away from her DC why doesn't she leave??? Then hey presto, no SC, which she clearly resents.

Sign. This is getting laughable now. OP has already said he overcompensates due to his guilt, but how condescending of you to tell to 'just think about it a little.'

Yes, leaving is so easy, isn't. Just leave. Hey presto. Hmm

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 11:48

which tbh if she just thinks about this a little is probably to do with guilt

Tbh if you just read my posts a little, you'd realise I've already acknowledged it's to do with guilt several times.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 10/05/2022 11:51

It sounds like there are a few different situations at play here but they all roll into one to show a pattern of behavior that sounds very much Disney dad.

The idea of spending time with the older DC I think is a really good one, we have certainly done it with our eldest as there is a 10yr age gap, we do most things as a family but occasionally someone has the little one so we can focus on the eldest, but I don't think once a month is reasonable, once every 2 months might be a better option, but that has to be entirely down to you to decide what works for you.
But I do think if he wants to do this then he also has to show the same level of commitment to the little ones. They should also get time where the activities are focused on them, this is your second problem because he doesn't see that as necessary, presumably because he lives with them and sees them all the time, but as we all know evening routines are not often described as quality time focused on the little ones. So I do think it needs pointing out to him that he is in fact favoring the DSC over your joint DC, and get him to see what he is doing.
I think you should pull him up every time he pulls the Disney dad card, so he starts to see his behavior is unreasonable.

I say all this as a first wife who's ex refused to prioritize our DD thanks to his new GF not liking my DD and she is now NC with her dad.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 10/05/2022 12:01

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:22

If you didn't like what having step children involves - then you shouldn't have gotten involved with DH. It sounds like you see the older DC as adult - they are not, they are young children. The seem old in comparison to your own but they are still very young in terms of emotional development. I would hope that they formed some kind of bond with you before your DC were born and quite frankly you are being very cold hearted if you do not want to maintain that bond by spending some time with them separately from your own DC. It can be incredibly difficult for children in a blended family. How old were they when you came on the scene? Are you saying that you simply didn't bother spending quality time with them when you became their stepmum before your DC?

It might be unreasonable for him to say that you should ask your parents to look after the young ones. But I am genuinely surprised that you do not seem to take being a stepmum as a serious responsibility and that this coincides with your own DC being born. This sort of attitude is incredibly damaging to the emotional wellbeing of young children. Just having them a few nights a week in the general chaos of daily life is not the same as trying to maintain a relationship with them separately.

You should also think about your own children in this - if you don't put effort in to your step children, they will feel second best (which clearly to you they are - but you seem hell bent on them knowing that to01) and be less interested in engaging with your DC in later life - you might not be bothered - but I can assure you, your DC may well be. They are siblings, they will not want a fractious relationship with their older brother/sister. These relationships can be invaluable in later life.

I am surprised at so many posters saying this is not your responsibility. You married your DH knowing he had children. You took them on too, this is evident by how involved he is with his DC. Just because you have your own now does not mean that your commitment is null and void. You're the adult.

What a load of absolute waffle.

Read OP's posts again, you may avoid embarrassing yourself further.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 10/05/2022 12:03

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 11:28

@AppleandRhubarbTart At what point did you get to 25% of weekends? I also see a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to spend time with the younger ones, but have yet to see the evidence of this...

The evidence is there in the OP's posts.

Once a month is roughly 25% of weekends. His expectation is that the younger ones are gone overnight.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:12

Loco323 · 10/05/2022 09:03

Selfish for wanting childfree time 🤣🤣 fucking hell. (Apologies for my potty mouth).

i think us step parents get the least childfree time and this illustrates why. Like OP, when DSS is here the world has to revolve around him and DH dedicates that time to him, which means I have to have my own kids single-handedly. Fine, but then add to that that to enable DH to spend time with his DSS EOWend he switches his working hours so he often works weekends when he doesn’t have DSS. Arranging a childfree day for me just doesn’t happen. I can manage an evening but nothing more and can’t fathom the logistics of a night away - it wouldn’t happen. I have a baby approaching a year that I’ve never left for more than an hour.

its easy to criticise SM’s but think practically as I’ve illustrated and you’ll see actually they have very little free time. I fantasise about divorce actually DH would have contact and that would be free time for me! He works so much I’m on my own all week anyway.

tomatoandherbs · 10/05/2022 12:16

The amount of time you have invested in this thread OP, you could have channeled towards an afternoon with your dh and SC! 😂

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:20

He hasn't suggested she spend one whole weekend with them. Say it is one afternoon once a month, that is nowhere near 25%. Sorry to all the maths whizzes here!

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:21

I don’t understand the OP’s DH’s motivation for taking OP along. I bet the DSC would prefer just to go with their dad alone.

HotDogKetchup · 10/05/2022 12:21

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:20

He hasn't suggested she spend one whole weekend with them. Say it is one afternoon once a month, that is nowhere near 25%. Sorry to all the maths whizzes here!

OP has said it would be overnight.

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:22

I see a lot of adults talking about how awful these kids are, as is DH. If you're not interested in putting up with "Disney dad" then yes - leave.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2022 12:25

W1ngingit · 10/05/2022 12:22

I see a lot of adults talking about how awful these kids are, as is DH. If you're not interested in putting up with "Disney dad" then yes - leave.

No one is saying the kids are awful. You're jumping to that conclusion because the thread is getting your back up. The most anyone has said is that their dad spoils them.

tomatoandherbs · 10/05/2022 12:30

OP you have repeatedly said that you would be fine to make it a few times a year. In fact you got exasperated at having to repeat yourself.
but have you actually suggested this to…. Your dh?