'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

It's quite possible that he wants a break from the younger two, and is just using the dsc as a front. Let's face it, days out with a 10 and 12 year old are less stress than with a baby and toddler.

Why would he do that when you can do that eow anyway if you can possibly give up your selfish desire of child free time one weekend a month!

1. She never said she wanted child free time one weekend a month, she said childcare was a finite resource and if she used it one weekend a month to spend time with her DSC she would not be able to use it for childfree time when she wanted it.

2. Childfree time is not a selfish desire, and nobody would ever say as much on a parenting thread that wasn't about SC. I'd wager time to yourself as a working parent is more important and beneficial to the average person than time with your step parent without those pesky other children existing in your way is to the average step child.

3. This doesn't even make any sense. The reason they don't have quality time with the younger children EOW is because their dad refuses to do so, not because OP demands child free time on those weekends. Have you been reading the thread?

Not being funny but she knows how to spend time with the older ones as she does it all the fucking time.

Her younger kids aren't ornaments to be put out of sight when older kids come over, they are part of the family too.

Honestly OP - you can see why step mothers get a hard time on here as nothing they ever do is right.

Selfish for wanting childfree time 🤣🤣 fucking hell. (Apologies for my potty mouth).

Your relationship with your SC sounds so reasonable and balanced. It's working! So often it doesn't.

Why would he even want to alter this? Its odd.

I can't help feeling he's resentful that you have your children all the time and he only gets his eow. And wants to even the balance.

This is the thing though, we don't have them EOW! We have them most weekends and also in the week too.

Selfish for wanting childfree time 🤣🤣 fucking hell. (Apologies for my potty mouth).

I bet their mum cherishes her free time but nobody will be calling her selfish.

I bet their mum cherishes her free time but nobody will be calling her selfish.

Considering OP said their mum takes on extra shifts at the weekend because it's more money, I'm assuming she doesn't get that much downtime.

Considering OP said their mum takes on extra shifts at the weekend because it's more money, I'm assuming she doesn't get that much downtime.

Right but when she does get downtime nobody is going to be calling her selfish are they?
just because OP has more opportunity for child free time doesn’t make her selfish to enjoy it.

And doesn’t make her selfish to cling on to it.

I missed that... just lazy then.

I never said it did. I'm just pointing out that when a resident parent gets time without their DC it's not all cocktails and pedicures.

And I actually think OP is happy to compromise with her DH, and whilst ok once a month might be a bit much, I do think it's important when you have a substantial age gap between kids that you do some age appropriate stuff with the older ones occasionally.

And we don't know if people call the mum selfish when she does have some down time, do we. So that's a sweeping statement too.

What has that got to do with anything?

I would agree to every now and again like a day trip to something not age appropriate for little ones but not once a month as you work full time etc so weekends are only down time, plus you said evenings little ones are on bed so spend some alone time then, maybe make this a little more about them if you can ??

I wouldn't ship my two young children off to have one on one time with my older step children unless it was a pre arranged special outing that we wanted to go on and wasn't suitable for your children. My partner can if he wishes but to go out as a family unit seems ideal.

Read, he wants a break from the baby and toddler.

Mmm, whilst also not having to do all the work of looking after the two eldest by himself either.

@SirYawnsAlot he gets a break as he does spend one on one with older dc and also when OP parents babysit so they can have an adult only night
Actually he wants it all his way

I have older kids and younger kids that are all mine/DH, and I don't send the little ones away so that the big ones get both parents for a day out! If the big ones want to do something that can't involve the little ones, then either DH or I take them and the other looks after the little ones.

I don't think this situation is resricted to step families. It happens all the time, and most families would just split the parents across the activities, not call in extra childcare!

Neither does OP. She's working full time all week, caring for her two children full-time and has the SC nearly 50%.

It's quite possible mum has time off during the week, or perhaps she takes every other weekend for herself and on the additional weekends she uses that time to work. We don't know for sure.

Why is an occasional night out with friends or her husband an issue? Does that apply to those in non-blended families; are any/all parents who have a night off or a weekend away, a spa day, lunch with friends selfish?

OP is also a RP (full time) and she also spends what appears to be quite intense, child focused time with her SC on top of that so if it's a competition for who has the least down time (which it isn't), OP wins.

It's not OP's job to compensate for that, FabulourKilljoy.

I'm just pointing out that when a resident parent gets time without their DC it's not all cocktails and pedicures.

I’m a resident parent and I know full well what it’s like, thanks.

I also have children who have an age gap, so I also know the importance of giving the older ones that quality time (And I struggle to give that to them at the moment. I usually rely heavily on family to help me achieve this but they’re so busy with extra work at the moment).
But I’m their mum, not their stepmum. OP shouldn’t have to be stressing about the older children the way I do about my children. She has already said her DH could always go out with them on his own but it’s like he needs his hand holding.
Plus what a great deal he has: OP is with his youngest and he gets quality time with his older children. Easy peasy with no arranging childcare for the youngest. He needs to just crack on and get on with it.

I never said it did. I'm just pointing out that when a resident parent gets time without their DC it's not all cocktails and pedicures.

OP is also a resident parent. Plus, her SC are with her almost 50% of the time.

From personal experience, and that of a number of friends, the RPs I know cherish their child free time, as a way to recharge. No it's not cocktails and pedicures, it's a lunch with their best pal, a quiet drink, trip to the cinema or just having a night at home which includes a long hot - uninterrupted - bath, wine, chocolate and a film. Or even friends round to share a drink, some food and a proper catch up. Just something to centre themselves so they get to continue being the best parent they can be.

According to many on here, OP doesn't deserve that same chance for time to herself or fun with her friends. She's selfish. And not only that, she's awful for refusing to sacrifice precious time with her own babies for the sake of two kids who already have a mum and dad.