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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 09/05/2022 21:28

There's a lot of people who need to read OP's posts properly.

  1. They already do movie nights when the little ones are in bed. They stayed up until 10pm last night doing exactly that.
  1. She's happy to spend time without the little ones but once a month is too often considering that the h wants a whole weekend dedicated to the older kids. He doesn't mean 3 hours at the cinema or bowling. OP would agree yo a less frequent arrangement like once every 3 months but the h pulls the "you don't like my kids" card.
  1. OP is unhappy that if the stepkids don't visit at the weekend then her h isn't focusing on the little ones with outings that they'd enjoy like farms and soft play.
  1. Her h spends time with just the older kids. He never spends time with just one of them at a time though.
AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 21:38

PeekAtYou · 09/05/2022 21:28

There's a lot of people who need to read OP's posts properly.

  1. They already do movie nights when the little ones are in bed. They stayed up until 10pm last night doing exactly that.
  1. She's happy to spend time without the little ones but once a month is too often considering that the h wants a whole weekend dedicated to the older kids. He doesn't mean 3 hours at the cinema or bowling. OP would agree yo a less frequent arrangement like once every 3 months but the h pulls the "you don't like my kids" card.
  1. OP is unhappy that if the stepkids don't visit at the weekend then her h isn't focusing on the little ones with outings that they'd enjoy like farms and soft play.
  1. Her h spends time with just the older kids. He never spends time with just one of them at a time though.
  1. Her DH expects her parents to do even more childcare to facilitate her spending less time with their children to spend more time with his.
RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:00

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:26

@aSofaNearYou

She does things with just her children without the step kids all the time - being that she lives with them all the time and not her step kids. Would have thought that would be obvious.

Add to this the fact that older children and younger children don’t do or want to do the same activities often and it often isn’t even practical that they can (for instance you can’t take them to the same movies and have them both enjoy it - same goes for a lot of activities).

This is all the younger kids really need to understand - the older kids do older kid things, this is the same as in non blended families.
And given that the fact their siblings don’t live with them and that can hardly be hidden - step kids doing “big kids things” once in a while really won’t be damaging to them at all - that’s just a quite empty justification for not bothering about the step kid relationship and not caring about their fathers relationship with his kids from a previous marriage.

You are literally making stuff up.

OP is clearly heavily involved with her SC, she also encourages their dad to spend one-on-two time with them, thus those relationships clearly are seen as important. She simply wants the same for her own children without her having to give up time with them too.

You keep harping on about all the time OP and her husband have with their shared children: When exactly?

They work full-time, the children are small so I presume in bed by 7ish during the week. Weekends are spent mainly with SC. So, do tell where's all this quality time?

RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:05

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:29

@Tinyleopard

Um everyone outside of stepmoms trying to justify this would think it’s worse being shunted between homes and trying to navigate new siblings and step parents than it is being in a home with your two parents together. Smh

I'd suggest being treated as less than by your own father is worse. Watching your two siblings arrive to fanfare, being given the world while you don't even get a Sunday roast if they're not there, and never get any days out with dad. Added to that you're expected to be shipped off to allow those siblings time with your mum, when they have their own.

Othering children is never good. The best way to blend a family is to keep things consistent. All have the same rules, the same expectations (age appropriate) and all are treated as part of the family.

OP sounds like she does this, giving her SC time once the little ones are in bed, allowing them time alone with their dad and having family time, so the siblings are all together.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:08

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:35

@Tinyleopard

I haven’t seen any evidence that the step kids in this situation have two loving homes. They have one loving father, but that doesn’t seem to extend through the home.

But really imagine thinking kids with an intact family who get along have it harder than the step kids whose step mum doesn’t want to know and are occasionally “spoiled” (ie taken out for a day) by there dad to compensate for what he sees as the crappy childhood they’re being given.

Ah, I get it now, comprehension skills not the best, so making up your own narrative.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:11

I agree, I think you're being unreasonable. They are your kids too since you married their dad. All kids in a family are equal.

In that case the SC should not be getting anything the resident children aren't. Or does it only work one way?

Alwayscheerful · 09/05/2022 22:13

If you work full time and have 2 little ones of your own to look after, energy and babysitters are a scant resource.
Maybe your DH could take all the children to visit his side of the family, time for you to relax or catch up on a few chores.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:14

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:45

@aSofaNearYou

She does things with her kids because .. the step kids do not live there full time

Funny that you wrote that like you were making some incredible point when in my very post which you highlighted - I say the exact same thing in the first paragraph.

Anyway it makes no difference why they are not there all the time - the point is that they are not and anyone who didn’t have an axe to grind against anyone who thought stepmum could put herself out once in a while to help them adjust to the new family situation could see that taking older kids out once in a blue moon without the very young children could be beneficial to making them still feel valued in the family, when they are not there all the time and probably feel a little lost and confused by the whole thing.

But no instead they are spoiled or as one poster had said “entitled”. Sad for those kids but of course it’s all about stepmum.

OP has said she has no issue doing this once in a blue moon, she simply doesn't want to do it every months.

Honestly, try giving her posts another read and you may stop embarrassing yourself.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 09/05/2022 22:18

KarmaStar · 09/05/2022 21:04

It is not,nor should it be,all about you and your two dc.
the original two deserve some time too,you are being very unpleasant.r
your dh has come up with a lovely idea,shame on you.selfish.

So OP's two children don't matter? Do they not deserve equal time with both OP and her DH? Or is it only the SC?

There's nothing selfish about not wanting to spend time away from your young children when that time is limited.

Maray1967 · 09/05/2022 22:34

No, I can honestly say that it would never have entered my head to drop DS2 off with relatives to do stuff with DS1. We were happy for DS1 to have a day out with cousins ( and we reciprocated) when he was younger but it never occurred to us to separate them as OPs DH seems to want to do. We did split cinema - me and DS2 watching a U film, DS1 with DH watching a 12. To us that was normal. We’ve done Alton towers, Go Ape etc all
managed with both of them.

BuanoKubiamVej · 09/05/2022 22:49

I think that if a family had a 12 and 10yo and then a big gap and then a baby and toddler who all 4 had the same parents, that family would find ways for there to sometimes be activities with the parents and older kids without the little 2 there, and equally some activities with the parents and the little ones without the nearly-teenagers. It's a big age gap and things that are fun for one age group are of limited interest to the other in both directions.

Your DH has 4 kids now. He doesn't get to play favourites but he has limited time, he needs to share the time he has evenly to maximise the benefit to each of his 4 children.

Love isn't pie. There isn't less for the older kids now that the family is bigger. Time is pie and does need to be shared fairly.

ChoiceMummy · 09/05/2022 22:55

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:21

I'll say okay so long as he arranges a baby sitter for the older ones the next weekend and we take our DC ou without them. I'm sure he wouldn't agree to that!

Why would he do that when you can do that eow anyway if you can possibly give up your selfish desire of child free time one weekend a month!

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 22:56

ChoiceMummy · 09/05/2022 22:55

Why would he do that when you can do that eow anyway if you can possibly give up your selfish desire of child free time one weekend a month!

Show quote history

I can't tell of you're joking or not

Scianel · 09/05/2022 23:28

I can't tell of you're joking or not

I really hope it's a joke.
A friend absolutely laid into me years ago when I said I wouldn't consider dating a man who already had children.
I wasn't wrong though.

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 23:41

Scianel · 09/05/2022 23:28

I can't tell of you're joking or not

I really hope it's a joke.
A friend absolutely laid into me years ago when I said I wouldn't consider dating a man who already had children.
I wasn't wrong though.

I wouldn't dste a George Clooney clone if he had kids. Back when I was single it was an instant end to the relationship/conversation. So glad I knew back then.

Bentoforthehorde · 09/05/2022 23:43

What the fuck is going on on this thread?
I see comments about step parents getting bashed but this is mental.
Tamzo and Co. we get it, you've made your opinions clear, why keep going on and on and on and getting personal?
Does this thread need a trigger warning??

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2022 23:43

They need alone time with him, yes, and sounds like they get that. They don’t especially need it with you too!

Once in a while, if there’s something particular to do, I guess would be nice. And the fact they get time when the little ones are in bed is good. But no need for monthly days out with you both minus the little ones.

it doesn’t sound fair on your parents either!

Topgub · 09/05/2022 23:50

Did you know your oh was like this (I've read all your posts but not the thread) before you had kids with him cause you seem to really dislike him as a parent.

Have you told him all the things you've said on this thread?

It doesn't sound like you've tried to resolve any of the issues or if you have, you've failed.

You sound miserable

StuntEgg · 10/05/2022 00:40

It sounds like your DH is trying to engineer a relationship between you and the DSC that suits some ideal of his, with no consideration for whether you or the DSC want it.

All family dynamics are different and the relationship between step-parent and children is better to develop naturally than be forced. Those PP who say you should love the DSC like your own are being ridiculous. It's a completely different relationship, and the DSC know this too. It's up to you and them to forge your own relationship between you, and has nothing to do with your DH.

Having been a "stepchild" at as similar age to these DSC, I would have found what your DH is proposing weird in the extreme, especially if they sent their new DC away to focus on us!. I was not interested in his wife, we just wanted to see our Dad, and she thankfully wasn't that interested in us either. She was not unkind, she treated us more like an aunt would and that was fine by us. We didn't need or want reassurances that we were loved from her; we knew she wasn't our mother.

I think your DH sounds obsessed with his older DC and it's clouding his judgement re. what's normal in these situations. I think you need to speak frankly to him, if he'll listen.

Original poster
Loco323 · 10/05/2022 06:38

Topgub · 09/05/2022 23:50

Did you know your oh was like this (I've read all your posts but not the thread) before you had kids with him cause you seem to really dislike him as a parent.

Have you told him all the things you've said on this thread?

It doesn't sound like you've tried to resolve any of the issues or if you have, you've failed.

You sound miserable

I knew he liked to spoil them a bit with treats, bit more junk food then I'd have liked etc.. that sort of thing. But it's really ramped up since ours were born. Moreso since the toddler has been getting older actually.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/05/2022 07:22

He needs to spend some quality time with his dc alone surely. Why doesn't he take just them out instead. I bet they'd love that 1:1 time just with dad.

tomatoandherbs · 10/05/2022 07:27

These men, previously married and with young children and possibly tricky exes, you must really love them to introduce all the stresses and strains and angst that they seem to bring in to so many lives on mumsnet.
And if you you already have children of your own and “blend” families? Bloody hell, these me must be utterly exquisite and perfect!

Hatinafield · 10/05/2022 07:32

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think I’d suggest getting some new board games and treats in and making a special night with the older ones once every week or two once the little ones are in bed, and then booking a day out to a theme park or trampoline park or whatever with them in the school holidays. And then he is free to continue to take them out whenever he wants as well of course. I’d also expect him to arrange the childcare for those “all of you” days out.

Hatinafield · 10/05/2022 07:34

Things for special evenings in:
Board games
Film
Chocolate fondue
BBQ party in garden
Den building in living room
Obstacle course round house
Crazy golf round house
and so on.

startfresh · 10/05/2022 08:15

My word, people like to spew a load of shit, make stuff up and ignore what you repeatedly say.

YANBU. Reasons why:

  1. he thinks that 1/4 of your already limited quality time with your children, you should ship them to your parents to appease his children (do they even want this) meaning you would then miss your kids for 1/2 your quality time if you, gasp, wanted a date night/night with friends once a month.

  2. whilst wanting this for his older kids, he will vehemently refuse to give your joint kids the same pleasure of quality time alone with the two of you, making sure anything they do is joint with their siblings.

  3. you have said over and over again (not your fault, but posters seem to ignore this) you'd be happy to do it several times a year, just not every month.

  4. his children get presents from 2x parents. But he makes sure that one of those parents is equal to his younger kids 2x parents presents. So they end up with much more.

  5. he's not offering up babysitting answers, it's your parents.

You're not a wicked stepmum. You're a human with your own children and job and stepchildren and you seem to be doing a wonderful job.

Also, nothing wrong with saying spoilt. I was spoilt and my parents were together. I can fully admit it. And my DC are spoilt.