'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

@Tinyleopard oh get your violin out and play us a song about how hard done by you were. Because your experience as a step child is just the same as these sc experiences.. I was also a step child, I'm sure a lot of us were. 50% of marriages or whatever the exact figure is ends in divorce. You're not special just because you were a skid at some point. Get over yourself and go to therapy ro work out your issues.

I wonder whether their actual mum would agree with that

She owes them the opportunity to have time with their father, yes. But she doesn’t owe them what their father is asking of her.

@aSofaNearYou

She does things with her kids because .. the step kids do not live there full time

Funny that you wrote that like you were making some incredible point when in my very post which you highlighted - I say the exact same thing in the first paragraph.

Anyway it makes no difference why they are not there all the time - the point is that they are not and anyone who didn’t have an axe to grind against anyone who thought stepmum could put herself out once in a while to help them adjust to the new family situation could see that taking older kids out once in a blue moon without the very young children could be beneficial to making them still feel valued in the family, when they are not there all the time and probably feel a little lost and confused by the whole thing.

But no instead they are spoiled or as one poster had said “entitled”. Sad for those kids but of course it’s all about stepmum.

I can't tell whether you're being serious or not but I wasn't I was a step kid but weirdly I'm not permanently emotionally scarred and my dad genuinely was a useless twat!

You forgot the bit about excluding the younger kids.

@Loco323 I'm sorry, you appear to have attracted the utterly deranged to your thread.
And I assume some random Americans as well if they're using the term "potty mouth". It's a UK site, we fucking swear, don't like it, go somewhere else.

Seriously, you're not doing anything wrong or being remotely unreasonable but unfortunately any stepmother posting on here who doesn't make herself into a permanent martyr attracts a boatload of projection from some very bitter people.

Well that point went way over your head didn't it. The point is OP sees her kids without the step kids because by necessity the step kids spend half of their time elsewhere. Not because a decision has been made to send them away. It is not the same thing.

Nobody, including OP is saying she can't put herself out "once in a blue moon" (and by the way she undoubtedly does put herself out very regularly being a step mother, it happens a lot). But one weekend a month is not once in a blue moon to a full time working parent. It is a lot.

It's also, on a basic level, just a massive assumption that this is something the stepkids even want and need. You don't seem capable of accepting that this is not a universally accepted tradition that everyone adopts for their older children. Many parents primarily muck in with all of the siblings, without feeling any need to send some away to focus on others. This is valid regardless of your very ironic, very obvious axe to grind about step mothers doing so.

I guess you have to do what you think's right really. Time is one of the best things to give children, whether its our biological kids or not. If you want your family, including your husband, to be happy, then you may have to make some sacrifices.

Those were my thoughts. It sounds lovely having in laws to rally around to facilitate your ideal parenting scenario. Back in the real world he’s taking the piss!

i get v limited babysitting from my parents. No way would I use it for the exclusive benefit of my DSS.

The bitter people are usually the ex wives who can't make up their lives whether they want their children to have a good relationship or not.

It is not,nor should it be,all about you and your two dc.
the original two deserve some time too,you are being very unpleasant.r
your dh has come up with a lovely idea,shame on you.selfish.

NBU. The kids father isn't thinking clearly due to all the guilt of the split. As if he doesn't make the most of the youngest having him all to themselves on the odd weekend the SC aren't at yours! Why is he treating your children like second class citizens? Does he think if he shows his older two that the youngest don't actually have a nice time at all with him, that they won't feel like they're missing out? What the fuck? That's such a messed up lesson to teach them.

It really sounds like he is the one that needs some counselling to sort his head out. His youngest are probably small enough not to notice this just yet, but they will. How dare he prioritise his older kids mental health at the expense of his youngest? That's just cruel, and stupid.

But you think it should be all about the step DC's? Why is that okay?

Shame on you too, frankly.

I see the stepmother hate brigade are out in force this evening 🙄. OP, YANBU. Your stepchildren are part of your family and you treat them as such. However, they are not your children and any 1:1 time should be with their father. You have said nothing unreasonable. What on earth makes some of you think that the OP should give up her well-earned weekend once a month - and that her parents should do the same - to spend time with her DSC and not her own children? This is ludicrous. They're not her children, they are part of her family. She spends family time with them and her own DC, she spends family time with them once her own DC are in bed, she would happily spend one-off days out with them and her DP - she just doesn't see why she should commit to this on a monthly basis and send her own children off to her parents, just in case the SDC might think she cares about her own children more than them. And she is absolutely correct. It is parents who are the problem in these situations - parents who feel so guilty that they allow their DC to think they are the centre of the universe and that even someone who isn't their mum loves them just as much as her own children. It's so harmful, to the DC and to the family as a whole. These children have a mum and a dad and get 1:1 with both. They are not prevented from having this time with dad nor are they excluded from the OP's family in any way. Children need support to accept their situation (as long as it's a healthy one, of course) including not only an understanding that their parents are very sorry they are not living with both of them but also of the dynamics of their new blended family situation. It's absolutely normal that the OP loves her own DC and cares about her SDC. It's healthy for the SDC to understand this. It is perfectly possible to do this without traumatising or excluding anyone. I say all this as part of a blended family, with DC on both sides and a joint DC. OP, YANBU and don't listen to those that say you are.

And to be honest it sounds like your own children need 100% of your time and energy, seen as their dad is too busy being Disney dad to the eldest to give them an equal cut of his time and energy.

They have a mother already, they don't need two.

But the OP is taking about her step children who don't live with them, so completely different

Shame on you.

Why does OP need to invest even more time into one on one time with SC without her own children and ontop of that make her DP babysit for the privilege?

Sounds like a lot of effort on OPs behalf for no reason.

If he wants to do things alone with the older two once a month, that sounds fine and I'm sure they'd like alone time with their dad. Why he would expect you to ditch your two children for this I don't know. I know I wouldn't.

I get it, he feels guilty, he sounds like a good dad. I know you said the younger ones don't get much quality alone time with their dad either but even bath and bedtime is quality time. Well, it is to me as its the only time of the day I'm not trying to do 100 other things and can focus on the kids.

I agreed with a pp when they said if he's a dick and you're not happy, don't live this miserable existence and leave. But, on the other hand if this occasionally pisses you off but otherwise things are good, accept its just one of the things about blended families - that there sometimes has to be comprimises and sacrifices for all parties.

taking older kids out once in a blue moon without the very young children

I've literally said repeatedly I'd be fine with this. I actually think you're having us all on now.

Unless you're honestly about to say you think once a month classes as once in a blue moon?

He should be spending some time with his kids without you. They are there to see their dad, it would be great if he acknowledged that and gave them that one to one time.

Utterly ridiculous to suggest you use your parents to babysit your kids so he doesn't have to be on his own with his. Can you imagine the reverse - I want my husband to ask his parents to babysit our children every month, so we can spend time with my children from another relationship without them.

In case you're confused though, once in a blue moon means hardly ever or very rarely. Not really every month I assume you'll agree?

Sounds like you're up for a compromise, but is your DH? Fwiw I've got kids with a big age gap, and step kids are even older. So it does make sense to occasionally do some age appropriate outings with the older ones. But I agree it would be nice to do the same with your younger ones.

I think the responses would've been less harsh if you'd posted this in the step parenting topic!