'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

This is classic stepmum can do no right. Apparently, according to another thread, stepdad should not have to give up his hobby time to care for his stepchildren so his wife can work on just one day yet this OP is being told she should sacrifice either her child free time or time with her own children to give time to her stepchildren that we don't even know they want. They are probably perfectly happy to have time with just their dad sometimes.

MN Double standards at their finest.

Taking them out for something special once in a while without younger kids (and this is relevant because of the age difference) is hardly spoiling these kids.

I didn't say this individual situation was spoiling them. I said OVERALL, IN GENERAL, he spoils them.

If I’ve understood your posts correctly, you’ve got no objection to doing this once in a while but you just think once a month is too frequently particularly given you work FT, so you don’t really feel you get enough quality time with your own DC as it is? You don’t object to the idea but just the proposed frequency?

I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

I genuinely do not understand how dense a person needs to be in order to just see one side and never actually consider the opposite

Ironic.

@aSofaNearYou

She does things with just her children without the step kids all the time - being that she lives with them all the time and not her step kids. Would have thought that would be obvious.

Add to this the fact that older children and younger children don’t do or want to do the same activities often and it often isn’t even practical that they can (for instance you can’t take them to the same movies and have them both enjoy it - same goes for a lot of activities).

This is all the younger kids really need to understand - the older kids do older kid things, this is the same as in non blended families.
And given that the fact their siblings don’t live with them and that can hardly be hidden - step kids doing “big kids things” once in a while really won’t be damaging to them at all - that’s just a quite empty justification for not bothering about the step kid relationship and not caring about their fathers relationship with his kids from a previous marriage.

Yes that's exactly it. Obviously I'm the wicked witch of the west for not wanting to do it every month though. How very dense / evil / totally unreasonable of me.

And no Hutchy, I didn't get your post deleted. But making a big flounce off a thread and then repeatedly coming back and having your posts removed over and over... 🤣

She does things with just her children without the step kids all the time - being that she lives with them all the time and not her step kids. Would have thought that would be obvious.

Are you even reading what I've been saying or are you just going on with yourself for the sake of it?

What things does she do?

You mean work full time, and probably do all the mundane parenting?

What quality time are they getting with both parents?

It's funny you can't seem to answer that.

You seem to think mundane parenting is enough for small kids but big kids must have quality time. When are the small two old enough for quality time out of interest?

@Tinyleopard

Um everyone outside of stepmoms trying to justify this would think it’s worse being shunted between homes and trying to navigate new siblings and step parents than it is being in a home with your two parents together. Smh

I personally don't think it's worse to have two loving homes than it is to have one neglectful parent who favours your siblings. I'm sure many others agree, you know, people who actually love and value their kids and don't think neglect is okay.

indeed , and this is the same site where a thread about how hard done by men are has been started and of course lots of women in agreement about how they are .

You seem to think mundane parenting is enough for small kids but big kids must have quality time

No I actually think it's more mundane parenting is enough for resident children but step children must have quality time.

I think if you used to be closer to them and you’ve pulled away since you had biological children, whilst understandable, that could be hard for them and effect their self esteem and sense of belonging - both of which aren’t great for mental health. I think if you get together with someone with children and then have more chemistry then you have a responsibility to your bonus (step) children. If you show them unconditional love it will be amazing for their mental health. So I can see why he feels that way.

Yes, you're right!

@Tinyleopard

I haven’t seen any evidence that the step kids in this situation have two loving homes. They have one loving father, but that doesn’t seem to extend through the home.

But really imagine thinking kids with an intact family who get along have it harder than the step kids whose step mum doesn’t want to know and are occasionally “spoiled” (ie taken out for a day) by there dad to compensate for what he sees as the crappy childhood they’re being given.

The more you post OP the more I think you need to either get to marriage counselling or leave. Don't give this man and his kids your happiness to be ruined. Honestly life is amazing without a disney dad and spoilt entitled step kids. I love it being just me and my dc. Love it. I am so happy.

No more being the bad guy. Free yourself. Fuck this shit, it's going to fuck you up. Stress kills you. It really does. They aren't worth it.

She does things with her kids without her step children all the time because a) they are her own kids (shocking I know) but primarily because b) the step children do not live there full time so when THEY are not there, it is through necessity and practicality, NOT an active decision to send them away.

Yes obviously there are big kid activities now and then, but this is very different from a regimented and deliberate decision to regularly send the younger kids away. If there happens to be a film on or a specific day trip planned with the older kids, fine, whatever, but it is not necessary to orchestrate that once a month and yes, could ultimately easily be upsetting to the younger kids, especially paired with their dad blatantly refusing to do anything with them when the other kids aren't there, which, again, is happening through necessity, not a deliberate decision to send them elsewhere.

Your definition of "bothering with the step kid relationship" is entirely defined by spending time with them without any other children present, here. To me that's nonsensical, you can have a good relationship with children with other siblings around. As demonstrated by the many people who aren't even part of a blended family that have stated this is not a part of their family dynamic.

Your last sentence about not caring about their relationship with their father is just random nonsense and has no relation to what is being discussed on this thread. She's said nothing to indicate that, she's happy for him to do things with them.

Sounds a bit rubbish OP. I agree with you, there is no way I would get childcare for my DC to instead spend time with someone else’s.

My DC are both shared with DH (not a blended family) so not quite the same, but I have a rule that neither will miss out on an opportunity just because it wasn’t/ won’t be available to the other DC. For example, DS1 was recently picked to go on a sporting trip which probably won’t happen for much less sporty younger DS2 (even though he also plays the sport) and I wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping DS1 from going. While DS1 was away, we ate at restaurants with DS2 which DS1 would have liked. Fair does not always mean equal.

In your shoes, I would have an honest conversation with DH about finances (it’s not fair that your DC have to go without because of DSC so things need to be evened out or DH will have to go without something to make up the difference). Don’t listen to his crap about Sunday dinners etc and act exactly as you would if DSC didn’t exist when they aren’t there. When they are there, I’m sure you can find plenty of activities which would work for all age groups (zoo, theme park, beach, National Trust properties, pizza lunch out etc etc).

You've not even listened to anything I've said and when I've corrected you about information in your posts i.e. my children get LOADS of quality time with us (which I've repeatedly said they don't and given examples of this) you have nothing to say.

Carry on going on with yourself though.

God you're absolutely exhausting. She's explained many times that by spoilt she is not just talking about the trips out.

Nobody has said the kids "have it harder", it isn't a race to the bottom, just that this suggestion is both unnecessary and potentially cruel to them.

You have been replied to many times and are saying the same thing over and over completely disregarding the things you have been told which clearly show why your assumptions are wrong. You don't seem to be able to keep up.

Have you thought about giving it a rest?

But really imagine thinking kids with an intact family who get along have it harder than the step kids whose step mum doesn’t want to know and are occasionally “spoiled” (ie taken out for a day) by there dad to compensate for what he sees as the crappy childhood they’re being given.

Again just utter nonsense I've not said.

Haha okay. If you say so.

I am a kid from a broken home so you'd think I'd know how awwwwwwwwfulllll but seemingly only your opinion can be correct.

I still think emotional neglect is worse. Hth.

I am a kid from a broken home so you'd think I'd know how awwwwwwwwfulllll but seemingly only your opinion can be correct.

I am too funnily. I don't think I've wallowed enough today about it. Be right back.

I agree, I think you're being unreasonable. They are your kids too since you married their dad. All kids in a family are equal.