'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

the young kids are there 24/7 and have far more alone time with them

When, exactly @Tamzo85 ? Please enlighten us.

And how are the step kids being treated like shit exactly? Id love to hear that too.

Haha keep arguing with anyone who disagrees with you…you are just making yourself look worse.

it’s coming across as childish and petty - have a nice day

OP if your dh is a dick, if you are miserable and feel your life isn't your own because of sdc. If your h has a huge case of dad guilt and always makes you out to be the bad guy. Leave him. There's your permission. I suffered so badly in a marriage where my ex put his kid on a pedestal and made him into the wife position of our marriage. It was sanity destroying. You don't have to be miserable, you only have one life. Life outside of a shit marriage with stepkids that make you feel like shit is amazing. I am so happy and I 1 million percent recommend prioritising your happiness.

If your marriage is pretty ok or great but there's a few niggles (as there will be for blended families) compromise on this and speak to him separately about doing things for his younger dc a bit more.

I wasn't talking to you. I was addressing the people who think he should treat the stepchildren less to make it more equal.

I thought you were going?

@Loco323

Imagine thinking your step kids who you don’t want to see alone with your husband are spoiled over the kids who live with you both 24/7 and have you and their dad all the time without all the emotional turmoil and uncertainty that goes with divorce and blended families. SMH, think about it.

There is some utter nonsense on this thread. I had two DC, 7 years apart. There is no way I would have shipped DS2 off to a relative so we could spend time alone with DS1. We did that by doing family film/board game night when the little one was in bed. We did it by taking him places he wanted to go with DS2 in the pushchair or in the toddler area eg at theme parks. We made sure he had special time with both of us but the younger one was there in the daytime or in bed at night.
OP, he is being ridiculous and also extremely entitled to expect your parents to do this much childcare. He is being unfair if he won’t ever take your little ones somewhere special for them. I would make it clear that if he in any way berates you for not being willing to do this you’ll be doing a lot less.

Because he spoils them... Ergo they are spoilt...by him. I am really confused about what you're struggling with. It's not a personal attack on the children. As I've said repeatedly he KNOWS and AGREES he spoils them.

You do understand that children with separated parents can still be spoilt by their parents don't you?

A toddler, depending on their age, is either already old enough to notice, or is about to be. It is not a flimsy excuse, it is a valid reason. Why would it be unacceptable for a step parent to set a precedent of doing things with just her step children before her own children were born and stop doing so once they are, but perfectly fine for them to set that precedent while their children are babies/toddlers and deemed too young to notice, only to stop once they graduate to "young children" who WOULD notice? The principle is the same. In my opinion, it makes if anything more sense from the step children's perspective for the younger child free times to tail off when those children were born, than further down the line.

The alternative is you are simply saying the younger children will never reach an age where being regularly sent away so their parents can spend time with the older children, as well as being regularly told your dad doesn't want to do things with you when those other kids aren't there, might upset them. And that is, quite frankly, blinkered, biased bullshit dressed up as moral superiority.

@Tinyleopard

Every night or weekend her and the father are together when the step kids aren’t of course. Or are you saying her own kids don’t get more personal time with her and their father? Especially time alone of which they obviously have when the step kids aren’t there and the step kids clearly never have - hence the need for this post, to justify making sure they never do.

Honestly, OP, you will never get rational replies on here and will be beaten up by the 'Hate Stepmothers Fan Club'.

I think you are being totally reasonable.

And I've already said my husband refuses to do things at those times because he doesn't want DSC to miss out. Please keep up.

Living with someone doesn't mean you need nothing else from them. Hth.

Poster's are actually insane on this subject aren't they.

I'm gobsmacked actually that people think being a Disney dad is a good thing. It's actually incredibly difficult to live with.

I wouldn't want to do that. Let him take his own children out and have quality time with them alone

Right so aprox 2 hrs a night where they're having tea and getting a bath and getting into bed? Oh yeah that real quality time. Ffs. Have you ever actually experienced this or even met a toddler?

In no world is this quality time.

So go on, what time do they get? Actual real quality time with their dad?

Oh yeah, that'll be fuck all.

@Maray1967 - If you had the grandparents nearby, who loved having your DC, would you honestly never have sent the younger one there so you could do something appropriate with just the older one, a film age appropriate for them for example?

Or vice versa, have the older go for the day and then spend special time with the little one ? Something like soft play when the older one was at an age where they had lost interest in that…

I understand if you have no help. But when you have that option, it’s lovely to be able to have focused time. I go out for nice meals with my teenager- the younger ones just wouldn’t be interested in some of the restaurants we go to. In the same way the two youngest still love farm parks, but the older ones don’t.

@Loco323

He may want to make them feel that they are still loved despite the situation - which is your definition of “spoiled”.

Are you able to realise that there situation of being in a blended family with divorced parents is actually worse than that of your children? Taking them out for something special once in a while without younger kids (and this is relevant because of the age difference) is hardly spoiling these kids.

I can’t be bothered with this anymore since your obviously just going to do what you already wanted to do which is to make a big deal of both doing this.
I just feel bad for the step kids, sure hope you can prevent them being “spoiled” any further.

This with bells on !!

I honestly believe that there are a group of women on here that stalk the step parenting board and aibu to make every step parent (especially mothers) feel like shit.

If this OP had said she was hacked off that she never got time with the older dsc the very same posters whi are knocking her now would be bleating that 'she's not their mother' .. leave them to have 121 with their father.. they have a mother they don't need you..

Try and be forgiving of them OP.. massive projection of their own situation and absolutely NO IDEA what a tightrope walk it is to be a step mother.

Btw you are not remotely unreasonable. If he wants his kids to have all the attention from you and him on occasion.. then HE NEEDS TO SORT IT WITH HIS FAMILY. You don't need to carry the mental load on this one !

I genuinely do not understand how dense a person needs to be in order to just see one side and never actually consider the opposite

Yeah, I think we can all agree on that.

Also, your last paragraph is disgusting @Hutchy16 instead of slagging off other people perhaps you should take a long hard fucking look at yourself because that is truly vile.

I can’t be bothered with this anymore

Thank God for that.

Babysitters are a precious luxury. Most of the time I go out with my friends and dh goes out with his another night because so we don't need a baby sitter.

If one of our children needs some one on one time then it is with one parent while the other watches the rest. Or it is on the way to that child's sports club or when their siblings or school shoe shopping or some other practically. There is no way I could facilitate one on one time with me and dh at the same time for any of our children once a month. It is too much to ask of babysitters, and of siblings.

Because dh has step children op should understand the importance of them feeling loved and a priority so dh spending some time with the older kids doing what they are interested in should be a priority and OP says it is. So that is ideal. Family time should be at an activity all can enjoy so a soft play big enough for older kids or the zoo etc. There is also some quality time without the little ones in the evening after bedtime.

And an opportunity for a day out just the 4 of them once in a while in school hols may be possible. Sounds like a very normal and sensible set up to me. No idea why OP is getting a hard time.

Sorry, who says it's worse?

You?

Who put you in charge of everyone else's thoughts and feelings?

It's not about the occasional treat. It's about

• expecting everyone's lives to stop when they aren't there, including the other children.

• always finding fault in anything you do or say and twisting it into you pushing their children out, desperately looking for any example of this even in the most minor things i.e. wanting to make a Sunday dinner when they aren't there, getting your DC a bigger number of presents despite DSC getting a top of the range phone costing nearly £1000 etc etc...

• expecting everyone to roll out the red carpet and focus entirely on DSC as soon as they come through the door despite them living with us nearly 50% of the week.

• treating them to absolutely anything and everything they ask for even if he doesn't really have the money for it putting strain on us financially or saying he can't afford X that our DC need because he's spent Y on DSCs treats that month.

And now it's wanting to focus even more attention on them, taking up time I don't often get with my own DC (I mean quality time not an hour after work), my opportunity to spend an evening / day by myself or with friends to unwind when my parents have our DC etc...

No one is a winner in that situation. Certainly not our DC together, nor me or even DSC.

It's really not as simple as he just wants to treat them sometimes because they are sad about their parents splitting. It's unhealthy and it is spoiling them. Sorry if you can't stomach the word spoilt.